I'm in my fifties and people have begun to die.

[qwlauren35]

Here on DU, there are posts about people dying in their 80's and 90's. But one of my college friends just died of lung cancer, and he couldn't have been more than 60.

People joke that when you get "older", it's common to talk about ailments. Creaky knees, etc. But the reality of "over the hill" hit me hard today. "Over the hill" - people in your life start to die. And the older you get, the more will die.

I'm not ready. They say that 50 is the new 40. Bullshit. That number is a serious marker, and I will have to acknowledge it, and deal with it. Over the years, starting now, one by one, I will lose my friends.

My mom died at 92, and she lived in a place where there were people approaching 100. I had a woman say to me that Growing Old Isn't for Sissies. There is a lot of physical and emotional pain in getting old. Saying good-bye to good friends.

I will always remember that woman, because she used to sit outside of mom's apartment, happily chatting away with someone I assumed was a good friend. Nope, not a good friend. Just a temporary friend, when all of the meaningful friends had all died. And then the temporary friend died. I offered condolences and she looked at me very strangely. I realized that she had seen lots and lots of death. It's sort of like being left behind.

So, my DU friends, if you have read this far, remember to make friends 20 years younger than you who will outlive you. Because outliving your friends hurts.

[elleng]

1. Let's stick together!

[Croney]

2. I have books called All My Friends Are Dead, and

All My Friends Are Still Dead. Little poignant dark comedy books.

I'm 75 and I've never had many close friends all at once. Almost all the few I've had are dead. My grandkids laugh at me when I say all my friends are dead, because they know it's true and they admire me for taking it so well.

There are a few people I am determined to outlive: a couple of ex's, and the orange turd.

[babylonsister]

4. I watched along with

my dad as his friends died. He went last June at 90, his birthday was yesterday, and I miss him every day.

Circle of life, as painful as it can be.

Cheer up, you have lots of years ahead. I hope you embrace everyone you meet, regardless of their age.


Life should go on.

[qwlauren35]

5. Many hugs to you.

For me with my mom, it started to feel like I'd have her forever, and then she was gone, It can be a different kind of hurt. Kind of like a surprise.

[emmaverybo]

7. I feel surprised everyday almost that my mom is no longer here. Passed at 90. I accept only

to have to accept again. I too settled in to her old age and felt she’d stay around even longer. Think I understand her more as I get older. Been three years.

Always helps me feel less lonely and crazy when others talk even a bit about losing parents. Especially for some reason a mom.

Old age definitely demands emotional courage. The deaths do take a toll.

[qwlauren35]

6. Interesting

I hadn't thought about "outliving" Trump. But I want him out of office, and I want a chance to see a recovered, better America. Reborn, with new priorities, new understanding of what is important, who is important, who should not be taken for granted, and how we need to take better care of each other.

I believe we will see this in the next two years. So, please stick around for it!

[Croney]

19. I like your description of a recovered America.

When he is gone, he will not be missed, unlike the rest of us. I want to be on DU that day.

[Marthe48]

26. Here is a song for you

I have said goodbye to so many people. When I heard this song, I embraced it.

[Croney]

28. Well! That's interesting. Thanks!

[tblue37]

3. My friends are all much younger than I am. nt

[SWBTATTReg]

8. A lot of us have already lost friends, young, old, average age, whatever, if they were HIV+,

It (HIV+) ravished entire communities, all ages. It becomes kind of a somber routine before you know it, and then you live it, the whole sad process, of losing friends, coworkers, etc. all ages, for literally years, until it's wiped all of them out.

[Pobeka]

9. Seems like a small wave of friends die in their 50's but then it's stable until late the 70's.

That's what I've heard, that's what I've also witnessed in my life. I'm in my early 60's. Hang in there, Old friends, new friends, they all count. Any one could die or leave for another home far away. Treasure them while they are with you.

[Lulu KC]

10. It is tough!

My parents lived quite long lives, too. Apart from the wave of loss when AIDS was untreatable, I didn't have anyone close die until my 50s. It seemed so unreal. Then I realized that if the life expectancy is in the 70s, and we know people who live into their 90s, it made sense.

I'm not used to it, and never will be. With practice, I might be getting just a little bit faster at finding some peace after that initial horrible pain of grief.

I send condolences for your losses.

[DENVERPOPS]

11. I expect that sometime soon

everyone will know someone who died from this Virus

I have already lost two friends.......

[qwlauren35]

14. Oh,

please accept my deepest condolences. One is painful, two is unthinkable.

[Midnight Writer]

12. You know you're getting old when you start checking the obituaries every day.

Today is the 30th anniversary of my Mother's death.

I "outlived her" just last month.

[Kali]

13. my kids are in their late 20s/early 30s

they have lost more friends and aquaintences than I have. young people die too and it is probably more tragic than olders going.

[Bucky]

15. I'm 56 and there's something I noticed today

I've reached the age where I can't clip on my bicycle helmet without worrying about pinching my neck

[csziggy]

16. My parents outlived all their friends

Dad lived in the same area all his life and after the last of his high school friends died, he felt very alone. He spent most of the rest of his life with Mom as his only companion, other than his daughters and grandchildren, but we didn't visit him often enough to be companions really.

In a way it was good that Mom outlived him - she was always more self reliant and was better alone than he could have been. Her big regret was by the time Dad died, she was too feeble to live alone so we had caretakers stay with her 24/7. She hated that, and wanted to be on her own, but her doctor would not allow it. Losing her husband of 67 years broke her heart and she was never the same.

Dad died at 90, Mom at 97. They socialized up until their late eighties, and knew lots of people, but did not make true friends easily.

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

17. We all die.

None of us get out of here alive.

I go to my high school reunions. They are a real good way to keep track of the rate at which people your age are dying.

And yes, making friends with younger people is always a very good idea.

[DFW]

18. My wife and I are 68. We've had lot of people die on us

Classmates of mine from when I was in Spain, including my best friend, who died at age 39. My wife lost her brother when we were 55, he was 51. I lost a cousin who was 41. My daughters have lost classmates before they were 20. Two of my grandparents never made it to 70. My parents and all their siblings had cancer, and only one of their families made it to 80. My wife has battled cancer twice, once serious, once theoretically fatal, but she has bounced back both times. The second time, she was that one case in ten thousand that "Beat the Reaper."

We have friends who are younger, some a lot younger, but we also have friends who are older as well. Ten years ago, I used to post about my four famous 80-something friends (Theo Bikel, Stan Lee, Helen Thomas and Ruth Westheimer). They all made it to 90, but only Ruth Westheimer is still alive. I lost Helen about 7 years ago, then Theo, then Stan (we ALL thought he'd live forever). The genius from Serbia who made most of my guitars died a couple of years ago, too. He was in his mid-eighties.

It happens to everyone, it'll happen to us. Just put it off as long as you can (or want to), and don't let it become an obsession. That is the worst. Like that line from "The Shawshank Redemption: "Get busy living, or get busy dying."

By the way, I had one grandfather who bucked the family trend. He made it to 102 with all his marbles intact. He sent out a Christmas card when he was 99. It had a picture of him, looking very much his age, with the caption, "Compliments of the Seasoned." He knew how to take it all in stride. I hope to be able to emulate his example, although my genetics are heavily weighted to see me depart this world within the next ten years. I am in no rush, and I will not spend the time left stressing about it. What for? There's other stuff to do.

[rwsanders]

20. In my 50's I've lost

2 friends to diabetes
1 friend to cancer
1 friend was murdered by his brother
My parents and grandparents were gone ages ago (my dad and one grandmother when I was 21 and mom when I was 44).
My wife is was diagnosed with breast cancer and then was septic due to a subcutaneous port for chemo drugs and had to have a heart valve replacement and pacemaker/defibrillator because of damage from endocarditis. She is back in now due to another infection (susceptible due to CLL).

I didn't expect to be losing friends and possibly my wife in my 50's. We just adopted 3 kids from the foster system 2 years ago.
I think we'd feel better if it wasn't for the additional financial strain due to the pandemic. We were on half pay because she hasn't worked since August, and if I run out of PTO to cover hours we'll be down another 30%.

If the virus starts taking out thousands I wonder what will be on the other side. Even before that with climate change and the billionaires sucking the economy dry I don't know whether to prepare the kids for college or foraging in the woods for grubs.

[AwakeAtLast]

21. Turned 50 this year

I have had a lot of time to think while sheltering in place. I have spent so much time trying to keep my head above water, I am realizing I my not have a lot of time left to enjoy anything. I'm not ready either.

[smirkymonkey]

22. I've been lucky so far. I haven't had any close friends or family members die

who weren't very old. My mother died when I was 2 1/2, but other than that, no other untimely deaths of people very close to me. However, being the way I am, that makes me think that I am due for an onslaught of tragedy or that I am going to go early myself. Which, to be honest, might be easier than having to endure facing the deaths of loved ones.

Sooner or later, we all have to go through it. Nobody gets through life unscathed.

[cate94]

23. My grandma died at 99

The first time she said she was the oldest person She knew, I laughed. It wasn’t funny. I know it now.

[C Moon]

24. My dad died when I was 27. I loved him to death.

The nights after his death, I stayed with my large family for a few days.
I never felt like I slept while there. Everything felt like a long dream.
I soon realized I had to get back to my friends, my home, my job, and away from my family for a bit.
Friends are very important.
I know that's off topic a bit, but I wanted to share.

[qwlauren35]

30. I agree

Friends are the ones we choose to share our lives with. And they are very important.

[Skittles]

25. feel thankful you had those people in your life

not everyone does

[Marthe48]

27. I sympathize with you

I have outlived many people, including 4 brothers and my husband. My Mom used to say 'when your number is up, it's up'

I am old enough to feel that the love I have for others doesn't end. And their love for me doesn't end. There is a poem I like:

https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/death-is-nothing-at-all-by-henry-scott-holland

I hope you do make new friends. We can't live on our own, and even if it hurts, we are like the Patient Noiseless Spider:

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/45473/a-noiseless-patient-spider

[Nitram]

29. Welcome to an awareness of mortality.

My grandmother, who lived to the ripe old age of 98, stopped making friends about the time she hit 95 because she was "so tired of making new friends after her old friends had died, only to watch them die, too. Over and over."

[Mosby]

31. Life expectancy in the US is dropping

The leading cause of death is still heart disease, which is 100% preventable.