This message was self-deleted by its author

[Soph0571]

This message was self-deleted by its author (Soph0571) on Mon Oct 5, 2020, 09:41 AM. When the original post in a discussion thread is self-deleted, the entire discussion thread is automatically locked so new replies cannot be posted.

[MaryMagdaline]

1. Soph0571 I'm so sorry

It’s tough to be powerless when someone you love is sick

[progressive nobody]

2. I feel for you. I seen it in various ways.

Take care of you while taking care of SO.

Mind if jealous you have NHS in your country. Best friend move to England 10years ago loves the system.

[sheshe2]

3. Hang on Soph.

Just hang on. You are doing the best you can.

[SheltieLover]

4. Hugs Soph!

[tblue37]

5. Ah, Soph. I am so sorry for you and your SO. I hope you have someone you can turn to

when things get too stressful.

By the way, is there a walker that your SO can use? If not, maybe a small, sturdy side table with wheels?

[a kennedy]

6. I am so afraid of this as well.......but are YOU OK???

[Soph0571]

10. No I am really not

I am so far from OK. I am trying so hard to be strong for him, but my heart is shattering and at the same time I am really shit at being a nurse maid. He is dying and I feel like I am letting him down all the time. Fucking hell I could not even get him back into bed. I want to scream, but I can't because all of the focus has to be on him. I am so not OK. He is turning yellow cause of the liver cancer, he spends 20 hours a day in bed. I have ordered a bell because he is so ill he cannot shout loud enough for me to hear him from the bedroom - and this is a small flat. All of it is shit.

Sorry for off loading.

[ZZenith]

12. Offload all you want, Soph0571

That’s what we’re here for.

I wish you strength and courage.

[a kennedy]

13. *hugs* *hugs* *hugs*

No, No, No, No, No, No, No DO NOT EVERY WORRY ABOUT OFF LOADING. WE ARE HERE FOR YOU.

[Kitchari]

18. You are not letting him down - no way

The situation is so fraught, you are there for him, and I hope you can call on some helpers to come in. Time for assistance!

[littlemissmartypants]

26. (((((Soph)))))

[SleeplessinSoCal]

40. Is the flat the preferred place to be right now for both of you?

I imagine being in a hospital bed would be even harder, though you'd have assistance lifting when necessary. That's a tricky thing. Feeling helpless sucks. But by just being there you are helping every way you can.

God bless NHS. I bet they have advice to give you. Hope so anyway.

[handmade34]

7. ...

hugs... right there with you, I am so sorry it is worrisome, scary and exhausting with such feelings of helplessness at times

[Ohiogal]

8. I'm so sorry Soph

[Cha]

9. I'm so sorry, Soph 💗

💗

[gademocrat7]

11. So sorry Soph

Sending supportive hugs.

[mnhtnbb]

14. Oh, Soph, this is a burden where you need help.

The NHS has hospice teams, don't they, as well as hospice facilities? Maybe it's time to look into it.

I am so sorry you are going through this. My heart goes out to you.

[crickets]

25. This is a wonderful idea.

Soph, I am so sorry you and your SO are going through this. I went through something similar with my dad and I know it's frightening and it makes you feel like you aren't doing enough, but that's not true. Everyone needs a helping hand sometimes. I hope you can call the NHS and find some options that will help you. Sending strength and healing thoughts your way.

[elleng]

56. Thanks, was thinking of hospice,

seems appropriate.

[packman]

15. God bless-

[Hekate]

16. Ah Soph, I am so sorry

[GeoWilliam750]

17. Wishing you strength and comfort

Care-giving is so hard, and takes so much, yet it is also the measure of your extraordinary love for him.

[peacebuzzard]

19. Dear friend, this news is hard.

I am so sorry to hear this.
I wish you strength. I am sad for you.
I had an event in my home when my disabled sister lived with me. Long story, but she is very weak anyway because of other issues, and fortunately I was in town. (I used to travel for my job) I had gone out for shopping and my cat got out when she opened the door, so she felt obligated to chase the kitty. She fell downhill (I live on a steep hill). I found her inside the house but she could not get up. Thank goodness she managed to crawl up the hill and was in the house or I may have not found her. I had to call the ambulance because she could not stand. Her fall led to kidney failure due to exposure to the elements and exertion from crawling uphill. Rhabdomyolysis was the diagnosis. It was serious, she spent over a month in the hospital, one full week of IV fluids to flush the kidneys because of the acute failure. She was unable to walk for months.

I know it pains you to see your sweetheart so weak. omg I am so sorry.You are in my thoughts, ((()))

[Ilsa]

20. Just this:

Our thoughts are with both of you.

[live love laugh]

21. I'm so sorry. nt

[alwaysinasnit]

22. ...

[CanonRay]

23. Susan, can you get some live-in help?

You need some assistance with this situation, if it is possible. So sorry to hear this...you are in our thoughts always.

[Moostache]

24. Wishing you the ability to tap your strength and endure.

It is the hardest thing in the world to be empathetic and caring when the will is sapped and the strength is spent and when we feel our efforts are all we have and just not enough. Please feel free to vent and scream and howl as much as you need or can muster. I hope that you find the support we all need to get through such things. You care enough to be there and to stay through it all, you'll find the strength to survive the storm and safe harbor after for whatever you need.

[world wide wally]

27. You are doing what you can.

Hang in there

[Silver Gaia]

28. My heart is with you...

[niyad]

29. (((((((((soph))))))))) holding you and your SO in light and love. Vibes of strength and courage

for what you two are going through.

Your DU family is here for you, always.

[flamin lib]

30. I have some experience from long ago and far away.

There is nothing any of us can say that will make your burden lighter.

We can be an outlet, an ear and offer love and support from afar. Were it possible to be there with you, to help you lift your beloved and to hold you we all would.

Be kind to yourself when you can. Know that your virtual family hurt with you and for you. My tears flow with yours.

[cayugafalls]

31. Being the caregiver is so hard.

People do not know how hard it is to watch the one they love hurt so badly.

The only thing you can do is to try and keep going, even that seems like an insurmountable task. I do not have any easy words.

Just know that your SO knows your love is there.

I'll pray for you and your SO.

[irisblue]

32. Sophie, I am so sorry

[skylucy]

33. Dear Soph, I am so sorry. My heart is breaking for you. Sending love and prayers.

I wish I could give you a hug.

[Ialwaysvote]

34. Maybe neighbors can help

My husband and I have been on call (from Medical alert companies or just neighbors calling) to help when/if our neighbors fall. We've helped out this way for 5-6 neighbors over the years Check medical alert companies and enlist neighbors or family to answer the call to help. This issue is something we are all going to face sooner or later. (And maybe suggest your SO just sit on the side of the bed with his feet on the floor, for a little while, before he tries to stand up.)

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

35. I'm so sorry for your and your SO's situation.

Do you have access to hospice care through the NHS? You shouldn't have to do this alone. It's too hard.

((((((( )))))))

[irisblue]

36. Sophie, I am so sorry for both of you.

[MLAA]

37. Just a few thoughts dear dear Soph

Put Mattress on the floor?
There are floor chairs for when he might want to sit up they have a back but are just a couple inches off the ground.

What matters is that you are there. Wonderful though not perfect you! No caregiver is perfect, but your love for him is perfect.

Take a shower and cry in the shower. That is what I’ve done when I felt exhausted , scared and at the end of my rope caring for my husband after major heart surgery along with GI bleed last summer. And now a fractured hip and surgery last week. It made me feel better.

Acknowledge your fears and anxiety. Call friends and ask for what you need. Maybe they can bring groceries or take turns cooking meals. Or stay with him for an hour so you can sit outside for a bit. Or stay with him and listen for him while you take a nap.

💕💕💖💖💖💕💕💕

[LiberalFighter]

38. I had a situation back in 2017 with a friend.

No answer when calling him. Went to the other side of town to check in on him and found him on the floor unable to get up. Best I could do was get him sitting up and then called 911 here in the US.

It is very difficult to help someone when they don't have the ability to help. It was too much weight even for me. I'm a male and 220+ at the time.

[Heartstrings]

39. Virtual hug sent....

Breathe.....take a shower and cry....you are doing everything you can possibly do, and I’m positive he knows that and loves you for being by his side....❤️

Take it a day, an hour, a minute and a second at a time.

And don’t forget to just breathe and take care of yourself.

Du is here anytime you feel like venting....you’ve got this!

[thinkingagain]

41. Offload all you want

I vented some frustrations the other night.
One of the best things about DU no matter if your alone or tons of support and need just to share, when you put it out here in DU.
You will get helpful advice, hugs and kind words.
Just know that we care. And sending hugs and kind thoughts your way.

[cate94]

42. I've been a caretaker for people I loved.

You do the best you can and call for help when you need it. You did good. Things most likely won’t get any easier, but you showed strength and competence asking for help. I’m sorry you and yours are going through this. Sending hugs and love.

[kag]

43. Hugs, Soph.

We're here whenever you need. Sending strength your way.

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

44. Hugs and wishes for better times for you and yours.

[mountain grammy]

45. I'm so sorry

[lunatica]

46. Let yourself have a good cry away from your SO

He must be truly exhausted after that ordeal! You too. You’ll feel stronger after a good cry.

[ancianita]

47. So sorry you're hurting. The advice here to get some daily help is useful.

Get rest, hot shower, tea, and sleep. Little comforts. Tomorrow you can turn to others to get help for his needs. That is your help for both your sakes.

My hub (twice my size) had the same happen at night recently. I feel you.
Hugs.

[blogslut]

48. It Is hell. This I know.

Feel your feelings. They are normal. Take the help, you deserve it.

[Liberty Belle]

49. How stressful for you. Here are some suggestions:

1. Consider a lower bed for the time being, even just a mattress on the floor or on a boxspring without the frame.
2. Coenzyme Q 10 is an enzyme the body doesn't make enough of with aging. Supplementing with CoQ10 has been found to actually reverse liver damage in alcoholics and people with severe hepatitis; my friend's doctor called the change miraculous. It might work for liver cancer too though I'm not sure.

[Cassidy]

50. I am very sorry for your difficulties, and for the illness of your SO.

My mother had some medical issues early this year. She was very weak and found it painful and difficult to get out of bed. I bought her a bed rail assist/ grab bar ($35). My sister put it together for her. It helped mom sit up in bed without pain and stabilize herself before she stood. It might help.

It is difficult to feel helpless. You are clearly a very loving person, and I am sure your SO appreciates all you do.

[NJCher]

51. lots of good advice on this thread

When you see your SO so weak he cannot pull himself back onto the bed what do you do with that? I don't know what to do.

I certainly don't have all the answers, but a couple things occur to me: one is that you feel the pain, as many posts upthread have said.

The second is about perspective. You have enjoyed a long relationship with your SO and most of it was rewarding, fulfilling, and added much to your life. Right now you are going through a difficult time, moments that every relationship has. Looking at it on a continuum makes it understandable and something one can accept.

And finally, if it were you on that bed, how would you want him to respond?

[Fla Dem]

53. Suggestions for in-home hospice care are excellent. You cannot carry this on your own.

If you have help, so much stress will be alleviated. You will be able to spend quality, loving time with him. Holding his hand.

Please get help Soph, for your husband's welfare and yours. We are here for you.

[soothsayer]

54. Very sorry you guys are going through this. Here's how I get mom off the floor

My sister wanted to call the fire department but I figured leverage could do it.

I found a sturdy, wide scarf (small blanket would work) and slipped it around her back and under her arms. Voila’! A little constant tugging and she came right up. Used it numerous times: no back strain on either of us. It’s very gentle and effective.

Good luck to you.

[malthaussen]

55. I had to call 911 when something similar happened to my mother...

... not that I couldn't have pulled her up myself, but she was so fragile I doubted my ability to do so without breaking something.
A couple of cops stopped by to get her up.

Sucks, yeah.

-- Mal