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This message was self-deleted by its author (Soph0571) on Mon Oct 5, 2020, 09:41 AM. When the original post in a discussion thread is self-deleted, the entire discussion thread is automatically locked so new replies cannot be posted.
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There comes a time when it becomes too much, and for your sanity and your health you may have to put your SO in a good place, where they are used to folks like him, and his sheets will be washed, etc.
You deserve a medal for what you are doing, and you will know when it's time to let go.
Huge hugs to you, I know it can be so hard. 
I took care of my mom during her cancer and I just can't explain it. I know your feelings and wish I could help! Are you talking with him about the next step? That was the hardest part for mom and me, talking about the final days. Boy, my heart is just breaking for you, I'm so sad.
Please know you are not alone. I'll send you all my love and prayers.
1. Consider an intercom or walkie talkies to replace the bell. We use a pair of Alexa dots. He can let you know if he needs the rest room right away, or if you can take your time to bring him a drink. Consider he may be lonely and afraid of being alone.
2. Is in home help available? even a few hours a week may help you stand the strain.
3. It is critical that he try and keep moving if he can.. as long as the Dr. ok's it. Consider Dancing (even if that dancing is only swaying and hugging). Try to build his confidence in standing and walking if you can. Physical Therapy may help.
Best of luck and All of the hugs and energy I can spare are on their way to you
This is why so many seriously disabled people wind up neglected and/or abused. Caregivers find it too hard to cope and too many of them don't have a close attachment to the people they care for.
You can only do your best. Remember the love...always.
Make sure you eat and get some rest.
Sending virtual hugs.
I am surprised that that hasn't been provided for you through your health care system, given the state of affairs. Weird.
Stay strong and vent away.
Toughest job in the world caring for a SO. I first spoke with them, they were very clear that hospice does not mean you are giving up on someone. (In fact, I personally know of two persons who were on hospice care and eventually came off of it and went on to live a few more years.) The hospice people helped by getting my mom's medications so I didn't have to worry about it (and I didn't have to pay co payments anymore). They were there for moral support for my mother and for me and my family. They made my mother feel calmer and so much more comfortable. They explained things that were happening so that I worried less. They also made it clear that you can make the decision to stop hospice care at any time. I hope you will consider having them come help. Whatever you decide, please know I am thinking of you and sending hugs and prayers to you and your loved one.
All it means is that you are human and you cannot take care of everything 24/7. You need help.
I took care of my mom and dad for seven years. And when my mom's health went downhill, we had hospice to help us. I could not have done it without them.
Please give yourself permission to ask for help. It's the hardest thing to do. I totally understand that. It's one of the hardest lessons for us to learn in life, to ask for help.
If I lived near you, I would be helping you right now. There are other people like me who would help in a heartbeat. All you need to do is say the word.
The person you love is in crisis, you are in crisis. This should be a time where the two of you are both cared for, and where you have time to just love each other and not spend every second stressed out.
Hospice can help.
And don't ever, ever, ever feel like you are failing him or yourself. You are doing the hardest job in the world.
I know. I've been there.
Sending you as much support as I can through these words.
many folks that've gone into hospice, only to come out of it. My best friend's dad went into and came out of hospice 4 times. In Hospice, the care turns from trying to cure & active treatment of the cancer, pivotting to comfort, nutrition and building up the body as much as possible. While it's NOT a good thing to enter hospice, it doesn't necessarily mean a death sentence, trust me, I know.
Stage 4B metastatic Cervical Cancer complicated by visceral gangrene in every abdominal organ EXCEPT my heart & Lungs. You and your beloved remain in my prayers. God bless & please know that you're not alone.
It's really too hard to manage this kind of care alone. If he can't get out of bed at all and you can't move him or change the sheets he's susceptible to bedsores and other infections. If you can get a visiting nurse or other carer to come in for at least a few hours a day it will take some of the burden off you and help keep him comfortable. My own parents became bedridden in their last weeks so I know what some of the problems are with bathing and bathroom and other issues, and my brother and I just couldn't handle their care, so we had to get in-home carers. It's an awful, sad situation but you will exhaust yourself if you don't get help.
Can you contact his doctor, or the hospital?
Hospice is a service, it's not just a place where people go to die. My friend Marcia was in hospice and still living at home. There should be a program for someone to come and spell you for a bit. You undoubtedly have other errands to run plus you will burn out completely at this rate, not good for you or for him.
I wish I could help you more. So, so sorry this is happening to you both. Cancer sucks.
But, I’m an ocean away. Home health aides can truly be a life/sanity saver - give you a break from the bell (which is a smart method). You probably already know this, but hospice can be for just palliative care as one of my uncles with severe MS relies on as part of his care. Was difficult to get him to overcome the stigma, explained that it’s about keeping him as well as possible for as long as possible.
I read a couple weeks ago that you’re going through this, and didn’t know what to say. Have thought of y’all since. Hang in there, and find that nice thing to do for yourself everyday.
Can you hire a company to come in for a few hours a day or 3 days a week? They saved me because they bathed my mom, something I really did not want to do. Plus they would clean some and would make her lunch. They were a great help.
Now it's time to act for the benefit of both of you. Love and acceptance of reality go together.
Time for hospice help, at home or in a hospice. Hugs.
There is nothing easy about any of this. He needs you.
Love is all.
said, you can contact them for advice to help you out. They are great.
And as for the memories (of this kind of care) of now not being the ones you want later...they won't be. They will disappear behind the shining times of your deep love for your partner, and the good times you had together.
Wishing you courage, strength, and maybe a good nights sleep here and there.
You have given SO much to DU, I know all of us would like to be able to give something back to you... besides words and emojis.
**sigh**
You will burnout and be of no use to either of you.
not to mention the emotional pain you are suffering. I will echo what many others here are saying about getting in home hospice care. My mother had her mother move in with them during her very brief demise from a brain tumor and she elected to get in home care and assistance as well, even though she had a lifetime's experience of caring for sick patients.
She was retired nurse/nursing professor who was more than capable of handling many of the tasks that were required, but even she knew that she could not do everything on her own and she had my dad there to help her as well. It is much too big of an undertaking for one person, especially when you have been under so much stress for so long.
Please allow yourself a little break. It does not mean you care any less or have given up, it only means that you understand that everyone has limits and you are no exception. You have been a wonderful, loving caretaker who has gone above and beyond. Asking for a little help will be the best thing for both of you.
I was a hospice social worker. We had patients who lived. They have a wide variety of services they can offer you. Call his doctor, tell them the situation.
