Heard any good but corny jokes lately?

[red dog 1]

Q) What kind of bee produces milk?

A) Boo Bees

[brush]

1. Here's a Pearly Gates joke.

Guy dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the gates and the guy sees this tremendous wall of analog clocks, with hands.

He asks what the clocks are for. St. Peter tells him they are "lie" clocks and everyone has one. Whenever they lie the hands move. St Peter points out Mother Teresa's clock and says the hands have never moved. He also points to George Washington's clock which only moved once.

The guy asks, since we're talking about presidents, where's trump's clock?

St. Peter says, "Oh that one, Jesus keeps it in his office as a ceiling fan."

[red dog 1]

2. Good one!

[sl8]

3. Why is 2019 afraid of 2020?

They fought , 2021

[cayugafalls]

4. What's the difference between coffee and your opinion?

I asked for coffee.

[redstatebluegirl]

5. How about a scientific one.

The Names Bond
Ionic Bond
Taken, Not Shared

[ChazII]

36. +1, n/t

[North Shore Chicago]

6. ......

What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?



A condescending con descending.

[yankeepants]

11. should be "escalator".

[Orrex]

60. If the Queen of Jazz married the Dark Lord of the Sith

She'd be Ella Vader.

[red dog 1]

7. How do you get to Carnegie Hall?

Practice!

[red dog 1]

8. What kind of cheese isn't yours?

Nacho cheese

[red dog 1]

9. What kind of room can't you enter?

A mushroom

[yankeepants]

10. I got a dog from a blacksmith

and as soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.

[red dog 1]

12. What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator.

[red dog 1]

13. What did the rubber band factory worker say when he was fired?

Oh, snap!

[red dog 1]

14. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten-tickles

[red dog 1]

15. Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot.

[red dog 1]

16. Q) What did the older chimney say to the younger chimney?

A) "You're too young to smoke!"

[red dog 1]

17. Q) What do you call a bee that's having a bad hair day?

A) a frisbee

[maxrandb]

18. My wife was trying on a new dress,

she asked; "what can I do to make this dress look sexier?"

I replied; "give it to your sister".

[red dog 1]

29. Henny Youngman joke?

(Good one)

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

19. Why did the shark cross the road?

Just for the halibut

[red dog 1]

20. How much does a pirate pay for corn?

A buccaneer.

[Marthe48]

23. Little Johnny

went to his class halloween party dressed as a pirate. His teacher greeted him and said, "Where are your buccaneers?"
And Little Johnny says, "Under my buccanhat!"

[red dog 1]

24. Good one!

[red dog 1]

21. Why do painters always fall for their models?

Because they love them with all their art.

[red dog 1]

22. Q) Why was the poor guy selling yeast?

A) To raise some dough

[red dog 1]

25. What's the most famous creature in the sea?

The starfish

[Harker]

26. Yes. Yes, I have.

And it's always here at DU.

Thanks for adding value to my habitually wasting my time, Red.

You're the top!

[red dog 1]

27. Q) How does a squid go into battle?

A) Well armed.

[red dog 1]

28. Why don't they play poker in the jungle?

Too many cheetahs

[Wawannabe]

46. Hahahahaha!

tRump
Tom Brady
...

[red dog 1]

30. Why wouldn't the shrimp share his treasure?

Because he was a little shellfish.

[Ohiya]

31. Why won't you starve in the desert?

Because of the sand which is there.

[red dog 1]

32. What job did the frog have at the hotel?

Bellhop

[red dog 1]

33. Why couldn't the pirate learn the alphabet?

because he was always lost at C

[red dog 1]

34. When does a duck wake up?

At the quack of dawn.

[Mr.Bill]

35. There was an amateur baseball team

who had a game scheduled with their main rival team on Saturday. This rival team had a fantastic pitcher who would be pitching that day. His name was Mel Famy So the team concocted a plan. They would take Famy out drinking on Friday night, and get him so drunk on beers that he would be hung over for the game.

Well, it worked. His pitching was terrible and he had no control. He walked 12 batters during that game and lost badly. The guys who took him out drinking still say "Those were the beers that made Mel Famy walk us".

[red dog 1]

37. What did the cake say to the fork?

"Want a piece of me?"

[red dog 1]

38. What do you call a row of rabbits hopping away?

A receding hare line.

[red dog 1]

39. How do you make a Swiss roll?

Push him down a mountain.

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

40. Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

[red dog 1]

41. I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger,

then it hit me.

[mopinko]

42. where to the poles keep their armies?

in there sleevies.

my former FIL was polish. he must have known 1000 polish jokes.

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

43. Why did the moron (Trump) throw butter out the window?

To see a butterfly

[red dog 1]

44. What did the buffalo say to his son when he went away to college?

Bison

[red dog 1]

45. I just wrote a book about reverse psychology...Don't read it"

[red dog 1]

47. Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?

In case he got a hole-in-one

[eppur_se_muova]

48. Two pirates were drinking at a bar, and sharing old war stories ....

Sooner or later, the conversation turned to their obvious injuries.

"I lost this foot to a British cannonball", said the first, tapping his wooden leg.

"I lost this hand to a cutlass while boarding a merchantman", said the second, holding up his iron hook.

They drank in silence for a while, until one could no longer resist the temptation to ask, "So what happened to your eye?"

"Oh, that. A seagull pooped on it."

"I wouldn't have thought what would have caused you to lose it."

"Oh, it wouldn't have -- but at the time, I hadn't gotten used to having a hook."

[red dog 1]

49. What do you call the "Children of the Corn's" father?

"Pop" Corn

[Orrex]

50. I haven't heard any good corny jokes lately, but I'm all ears.

[Orrex]

51. I don't know any good corny jokes, but did you hear the one about Ty Cobb?

[Orrex]

52. My uncle learned a bunch of good corny jokes in the Air Force. He was a colonel.

[Orrex]

53. I can't think of even one good corny joke. Aw shucks!

[Orrex]

54. I could talk about my other uncle's feet. Does that count? They're corny.

[Orrex]

55. I know a few jokes about game hens, but those are cornish.

Last edited Mon Nov 9, 2020, 12:00 AM - Edit history (1)

[tblue37]

69. Not a joke, but when she was about 2 and a half years old, my daughter called game hens toy chickens

I thought that was a wonderfully layered label!

[Orrex]

56. Did you hear the one about the guy with the little trumpet?

Oh, wait. That's a cornet joke.

[Orrex]

57. There's only one corny joke about a magical horse. It's a unique-corn joke.

[Orrex]

58. Want to hear a funny story about the oak I planted? Acorn joke.

[Orrex]

59. "Either this man is dead, or my watch has stopped."

Whoops. That's a coroner joke.

[underpants]

74. 😆

[Orrex]

61. I was a good pupil when my optometrist tried to teach me a cornea joke.

Her name was Iris.

[red dog 1]

62. How do you make a Swiss roll?

Push him down a mountain.

[friendly_iconoclast]

63. Q: What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

A: I don't know, and I don't care...

[red dog 1]

64. What did the yoga instructor say when her landlord tried to evict her?

Namaste

[red dog 1]

65. What did the cop say to his belly button?

"You're under a vest"

[Progressive Jones]

66. 1st guy: "My dog has no nose". 2nd guy: "How does he smell?" 1st guy: "Awful".

[red dog 1]

67. What do you call a bear with no teeth?

Gummy Bear

[LaelthsDaughter]

68. Dad joke with a touch of dark humour!

“About a week ago my husband tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, 'Single handedly.'"

Not mine, but it’s very funny!

[red dog 1]

70. What do cows most like to read?

Cattle-logs

[red dog 1]

71. Why did the restaurant have a pig?

Because he was good at bacon.

[red dog 1]

72. What do lawyers wear to work?

Lawsuits

[red dog 1]

73. Why shouldn't you write with a broken pen?

Because it's pointless.

[red dog 1]

75. I once interviewed Howdy Doody!

(I had to pull a few strings)

[red dog 1]

76. Q) Why did the man get hit by a bike every day?

A) He was caught in a viscous cycle.

[red dog 1]

77. What did the porcupine's father say to him before he spanked him?

"Son, this is gonna' hurt me more than it hurts you"

[First Speaker]

78. What's white and crawls up your leg...?

Uncle Ben's Perverted Rice...

[red dog 1]

79. What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef

[tblue37]

80. The collie pupper loved to eat watermelon. One day her mother saw her sitting sadly in the corner, s

Mom broke out the pup's favorite treat and crooned to her, "Come to me, my melon collie baby."

[red dog 1]

81. How did the barber win the race?

He knew a shortcut

[red dog 1]

82. Why wouldn't the poppy seed leave the casino?

Because he was on a roll

[red dog 1]

83. Why did the shark cross the road?

Just for the halibut.

[red dog 1]

84. Why did Donald Trump cross the road?

Because there was a 13-year-old girl walking on the other side.

(Not "corny" but...)

[red dog 1]

85. Q) What did the cat say after eating two robins laying in the sun?

A) "I just love Baskin' robins"

[red dog 1]

86. What did one toilet say to the other toilet?

"You look flushed!"