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Related: Culture Forums, Support ForumsDear Goddess, one takes a sanity break for a few hours, and even more unthinkable insanity occurs.
The Magistrate
(95,255 posts)Ever since a grandson knocked on the bedroom door and called that they were taking it to Walter Reed, that's about all the attention I can pay....
niyad
(113,587 posts)The Magistrate
(95,255 posts)He has a serious interest in matters Soviet and Russian.
There's an old man, he's always been interested in the news, keeps on top of everything going on, and one day his wife notices he's just looking at the front page of the paper, and puts it aside. She sees he does this for a good while, and it starts to bother her, a change in behavior at their age is troubling. So she asks him, how come you're just reading the front now, dear?
He says, I'm just looking for the obituary.
She says, They don't print the obituaries of the front page.
This one they will, he says.
niyad
(113,587 posts)Response to The Magistrate (Reply #5)
niyad This message was self-deleted by its author.
The Magistrate
(95,255 posts)Hope it brought a grin, and not a feeling of coals to Newcastle.
Most of the jokes are not too entertaining, mocking shortages and such, but that one is a keeper.
niyad
(113,587 posts)humour.
zanana1
(6,132 posts)WTH does "coals to Newcastle" mean?
niyad
(113,587 posts)wnylib
(21,628 posts)DFW
(54,445 posts)From Poland: If fleas could glow in the dark like fireflies, Moscow would look like Las Vegas
and, still from Poland:
A Pole finds an old lamp washed up on the shore of the Baltic one day. He rubs it to get some of the debris off, and out comes a genie, who informs him that he can have three wishes. "Anything?" the lucky finder asks. "Anything at all," the genie replies.
"OK, then my first wish is for the Chinese army to invade Poland."
Somewhat surprised, but bound to honor his new master's wish, the genie says, "Umm, OK, you got it. What is your second wish?"
The man replies, "I wish for the Chinese army to invade Poland again."
Even more surprised, the genie says, "OK, it shall be so. And for the third wish?"
The man says, "I wish for the Chinese army to invade Poland a third time."
The genie says, "I am bound to grant you your wishes, but please tell me why you want something like that to happen to your own country?"
The man replies, "For the Chinese army to get here, on the way, they would have to lay waste to the Soviet Union three times in a row."
From East Germany:
Two dogs, one from East Germany, one from Poland, meet on a bridge between the two countries. The East German dog is headed for Poland. The Polish dog is headed to East Germany. The East German dog asks the Polish dog, "why are you going to my country?" The Polish dog says, "I want something to eat. Why are you going to my country?" The East German dog says, "I want to be allowed to bark."
And I haven't even gotten to the ones from Hungary yet.
niyad
(113,587 posts)ones from Hungary.
DFW
(54,445 posts)On an official state visit to his socialist brothers in Hungary, Leonid Brezhnyev, first secretary of the CPUSSR, open the window of his hotel room, and sees the sun rising in the east.
The sun greets him: "Welcome to Hungary, comrade first secretary! It is so nice to have you visiting us!" Brezhnyev thinks, "what a nice friendly country this is, where even the sun greets me!"
After his morning pre-lunch meetings are done, he returns to his hotel room just before noon. He opens the window, and the sun is still there. "Ah, there you are again, comrade first secretary, so nice that you are still with us!" Brezhnyev thinks, "this truly a marvelous friendly country!" Then he goes off to lunch and his afternoon meetings.
In the late afternoon, he returns to his hotel room, and opens the window. He sees the sun, but there is no reaction. He calls out to the nearly-setting sun, "aren't you going to greet me again?" The sun answers, "no way. I don't have to put with that crap now that I'm in the West."
----------------------------------------
On a narrow, dangerous road out in the Hungarian countryside, a rich American drives way too fast in the Cadillac he had brought over to tour Europe. He takes the curve much faster than the car can handle, swerves off the road and into a massive tree. He is unhurt, but the car is totaled. He starts crying, thinking, "I had to work nine whole months to earn the money to buy that car!"
Soon, a West German comes speeding down the same road in his new Mercedes, also takes the curve way too fast, and slams into the tree and the wreck of the Cadillac. He, is unhurt as well, but the Mercedes is a total loss. He starts crying, saying, "I had to work fourteen months to earn the money to buy that car!"
Shortly after that, a Hungarian in his used Soviet-built LADA comes careening down the same road, takes the curve way too fast, and crashes into the wrecks of the other two cars. He crawls out, sits down next to the American and the West German, and starts to cry. "I had to work fifteen years to earn the money to buy that car!"
"FIFTEEN YEARS?" cry the American and the German together in amazement. "Why in the world did you buy such an expensive car?"
_________________________________________
At a world economic conference, the representative from the USA opened with the status of the average American. "In the USA, the average American earns $1500 a month. He needs $1200 a month to live on, and what he does with the other $300 is his business."
Next came the representative of the Soviet Union. "In the Soviet Union, the average Soviet citizen earns 162 rubles a month. He needs 160 rubles a month to live on, and what he does with the other two rubles is his business."
Then came the representative of the Hungarian People's Republic. "In Hungary, the average Hungarian earns 4000 Forint a month. He needs 8000 Forint to live on, and where he comes up with the other 4000 forint is his business."
niyad
(113,587 posts)I knew enough NOT to be drinking while I read them! Very good thing!
The Magistrate
(95,255 posts)Christmas is coming up, a guy's wife is adamant --- they have to have a ham and do things right. She shags him out of the house, tells him not to come back without it. So he stands in the line, most of the day. When he gets to the door they close up, saying they're all out. The guy just explodes. He starts yelling, he's a veteran, he's a good party member, he waited all day and he can't get a stinking ham! A man steps out of the crowd, taps the guy on the shoulder. 'Careful, comrade,' he says. 'You know what they would have done in the old days.' And he makes a little pistol with his fingers, points it right at the guy's head. He shuts up immediately and heads for home. When he gets there he's so obviously stunned his wife doesn't even chide him for having no ham, she asks him what's wrong. He just shakes his head. 'It's worse then we thought,' he says. 'They're out of bullets too.'
DFW
(54,445 posts)Sounds exactly like the stories one heard at the time.
niyad
(113,587 posts)Cirque du So-What
(25,989 posts)so I dont have to stay glued to some communication device constantly. Itll be there, waiting for me, when I decide to tune in on stuff. Itll be there , waiting for me, like a flaming bag of dogshit on my porch.
Wawannabe
(5,680 posts)Yep. Scorched!
malthaussen
(17,217 posts)... blink and you'll miss it.
-- Mal