Heard any new jokes lately?

[red dog 1]

Last edited Mon Oct 12, 2020, 01:01 PM - Edit history (7)

(DISCLAIMER)
Hippocrates said "Desperate times call for desperate measures"
For the past 4 years we've all been depressed because of that evil, orange POS who stole the 2016 election, and his Republican Congressional enablers (especially the Turtle), and we haven't had much to laugh at during those 4 years.
Normally, I wouldn't post a joke which makes fun of serious, life-threatening diseases such as Cancer or Alzeimers.
As a two-time Cancer survivor myself, I can tell you, there's nothing funny about having Cancer.
Nor is there anything funny about Alzheimer's Disease.
But the fact remains, we do "live in desperate times" and, that is why I posted a somewhat "tasteless joke".......because it's funny! ....and, (hopefully) it might make you laugh; because God knows, we need all the laughs we can get these days.










A Man goes to the doctor for a checkup.
The doctor examines him and says,
"I've got bad news, you've got Cancer and Alzheimers"
The man says "Thank God I don't have Cancer"

[Laffy Kat]

1. That is in very bad taste.

And it totally cracked me up.

[red dog 1]

5. I agree that it's in bad taste

Last edited Sun Oct 11, 2020, 07:07 PM - Edit history (1)

and I was thinking I might delete it, depending on the response it got.

But, these days, with Covid-19, the GOP destroying our country, and the evil child-rapist in the White House, we need all the smiles and laughs we can get.

[abqtommy]

9. Some jokes are so bad that they're good. This is a keeper.

[applegrove]

2. Halloween joke: what is hollow, orange and gone in November?

Trump!!!

[red dog 1]

3. I like it!

[applegrove]

4. I stole it from a meme someone sent me.

[abqtommy]

10. +100

[Beakybird]

6. "Doctor! I swallowed a spoon!"

"Don't stir."

[polmaven]

7. Have you heard about the new virus?

It is called "feline paralysis". It is the condition of not being able to miove when you are sitting in a chair with a cat on your lap!!!

[abqtommy]

11. +100

[TlalocW]

8. Not new but I like them

To make their jobs easier, St. Peter and his assistant angels decided not to do individual entrances through the Pearly Gates for souls but instead just bring them in all at the same time once a day. A new soul was waiting outside and watching as several angels started dividing people into one of two groups. After that was done, the group he was not in is ushered in first with much smirking and looking down their ethereal noses at the other group as they passed. Thirty minutes later his group is let in, and they're given a tour. Among all the wonders they're shown includes a walk by a gated community guarded by a couple of angels. The man looks through the gate and sees the part of Heaven behind it - beautiful, yes but no more so than anything else he's seen. Their angel guide tells them that they should avoid this area, but going by it is a shortcut to the next part of Heaven he needs to show them. At the end of the tour, the tour guide angel asks if there are any questions. The soul raises his hand.
Yes, two actually. Why did that one group get to go in before ours, and who was that gated community for??
The angel smiles and says, "The answer to both your questions is Baptists. We just find it's easier for all of us if we let them think they're the only ones up here."

TlalocW

[keithbvadu2]

12. Riches in Heaven

Bring riches with you

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"

[Shermann]

13. That reminds me of the Twilight Zone "The Rip Van Winkle Caper" episode nt

[Marthe48]

14. Not new to me

Maybe new to you:

Three souls are in line waiting to get into heaven.
Before they go in, St. Peter asks them how did they die.
So he asks the first man and the first man says, "Well I've suspected for a while that my wife had been cheating on me with another man so I came home early from work on purpose.
When I got back to the apartment she was lying naked in bed like she had just been having sex.
So I checked under the bed and there was no one there.
I checked in the closet and there was no one there, so I looked on the balcony and there was some guy hanging from the railing.
I got so angry I beat his hands until he fell, then I ran back in the apartement, grabbed the refrigerator, brought it back out, and dropped over the railing right on top of him.
Then I was so mad I had a heart attack and died and came here."
St. Peter said, "It sounds like you've had it rough, so I'll let you in."
The next man walks up and gets asked the same question.
So this man says, "I was in my apartement when I slipped and fell over the railing.
I was able to grab onto the railing of the apartement below me but then this guy starts pounding on my fists until I fall.
Then he goes and dumps this refrigerator on me and I wound up here."
St. Peter lets this guy in too because he has also had it rough.
Then the third guy comes up and is also asked the question.
This guy replies, "Okay, so I was having an affair with a married woman when the husband comes home early.
So I hid in the refrigerator."

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

15. LOL!

That was new to me.

[Marthe48]

17. Glad you liked it!

[red dog 1]

16. Good one!

[Marthe48]

18. :)

I think I've forgotten more jokes than I've heard

[red dog 1]

20. Me too

[cloudbase]

19. From a friend down under.

Aussie counseling at its best.


A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a cliff, about to jump off.


An old homeless bloke who was wandering by stopped and said,"Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a quickie before you go?"


She screamed, "NO! Bugger off you filthy old bastard!"


He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay then, I'll just go and wait at the bottom."


She didn't jump. Counseling can work!!!

[red dog 1]

21. Good one!

[Marthe48]

22. so sick

but I laughed anyway lol

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

23. Holocaust jokes aren't funny.

anne frankly, I think they're tasteless.