Fran Lebowitz's One-Star Amazon Reviews newyorker.com

[soothsayer]

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Mike DiCenzo
@mikedicenzo
It was very fun writing this New Yorker piece in the voice of one of my favorite New Yorkers, Fran Lebowitz.

Fran Lebowitz’s One-Star Amazon Reviews
newyorker.com

https://t.co/mGHpyqINuY?amp=1

[tblue37]

1. She is a national treasure.

[catbyte]

2. My absolutely favorite Fran Liebowitz line

"He's like an idiot savant minus the savant." I've stolen that line a lot for the past 4 years.

[underpants]

3. "He's a poor persons idea of a rich person"

“He’s a poor person’s idea of a rich person. They see him. They think, ‘If I were rich, I’d have a fabulous tie like that. Why are my ties not made of 400 acres of polyester?’ All that stuff he shows you in his house—the gold faucets—if you won the lottery, that’s what you’d buy.”

[underpants]

4. I'd heard that the kiln explosion was much worse.

Part of my job is buying things. I had a request for a bucket. A plastic bucket from Walmart. The request was specific but I told them - I’ll get you some buckets and you’ll use what you get.

I find this bucket on the Walmart site. Ok. Then I see that there are 8 reviews. I’m already giggling thinking “who takes the time to review a plastic bucket?” Yep sure enough people did. Comments were “Good bucket” “does a good job and doesn’t leak” one person described how they used it to clean out the RV. Seriously, 8 people did this.

[soothsayer]

5. Ha

[UTUSN]

6. "I don't like welcome mats." - I took the "Welcome" off of a gate bell, and the welder looked at me

as very weird, like only some kind of beast would do that.

Yes, I went to the length of finding a welder who had the equipment (plasma?) to cut it off. If it's mitigating to anybody wanting mitigation, I *kept* the word/"Welcome" as a paper weight or whatever. I almost dunked my hand into his water bucket when the HOT metal went in there. Caught myself just in time, and the welder stood by with eye contact, like, go ahead!1

[soothsayer]

7. Wow

[UTUSN]

8. Um, is Fran included?!1 She's an even bigger curmudgeon by far than I will ever be!1

How come on her it's witty and, presumably, not on me?!1 Haha!1

[soothsayer]

9. Ha! I'm just imagining hiring a welder

I agree with your sentiments though. Totally

[UTUSN]

10. Whew!1

[soothsayer]

11. Ha. What's it cost for a welder to do that? And how did you find one?

I guess you took the bell to them?

I’m nosy when I’m fascinated, so please pardon the direct line of questioning.

Did you call places and describe the bell? Did you know what it was made of?

[UTUSN]

12. The 'net has been my way of engaging for these 20 yrs,

plus following through from one welder to another, learning that a particular equipment or skill was needed, and sending me on to somebody who might fit the bill, just the second one did the job. Found out that welders are smart and professional and have their network and cooperate with one another. Nice, which is why he was taken aback by my request.

Don't remember the price, $10-15. Yes took the bell, iron. And i think Fran would like me!1

[soothsayer]

13. I bet she would

Wow that’s cheap! Pretty neat. I might have just tried to hang it backwards (like: you’re welcome to leave).

My dad welded sculptures in our basement. Cool abstracts out of wood nails.

I wish I had his welding goggles, they were so cool.

[UTUSN]

14. You can buy some! Not your dad's

[soothsayer]

15. I've looked and can't find them

Lots of steampunk ones and modern hoods but his had these cool dials you rotated to make them darker or lighter.

We were able to watch eclipses on the dark, dark setting.

I search for vintage stuff from time to time. One day perhaps.