Silent Vigil (update)

[NanceGreggs]

Last edited Thu Feb 4, 2021, 09:46 PM - Edit history (1)

My beautiful mutt, Zen, is asleep on the bed we’ve shared for fourteen years. His breathing is shallow, and I am hoping he doesn’t survive the night. If he does, he will be euthanized tomorrow – and I’d much rather he passed peacefully in his sleep tonight.

Zen was very much my late husband’s dog (JeffR here on DU), and only attached himself to me after finally realizing that Jeff was never coming home again – in the same way that I know that Zen won’t ever be coming home again either.

I don’t really believe in an afterlife – but I keep whispering to Zen that it’s okay to let go of this life, because Jeff is waiting for him on the other side.

Tonight, I am trying with all of my heart to believe that’s true.



Zen was put to sleep at six o’clock this evening. I am truly grateful to all of you for ‘being with me’ at such a painful time. I didn’t want Zen to be alone in his final hours – and you all reminded me that I wasn’t alone either.

[True Dough]

1. An emotional moment of Zen

Losing a family member is difficult, and that applies to pets too (something non-pet owners don't fully appreciate).

Glad you're there to bring Zen comfort in his waning moments.

[NanceGreggs]

3. Zen was never the most graceful animal.

Whenever he did something awkward (which was often), JeffR and I would say in unison, "And here it is, your moment of Zen."

[True Dough]

6. Sometimes uncoordinated is charming

My wife and I have a mastiff/German shepherd cross, 105 lbs. He has big floppy ears that are all over the place during walks, a tongue that hangs halfway to the ground and his bumbling gait is all "I'm barely holding it together."

I swear more than half the people we encounter during our daily strolls look at him and smile from ear to ear, or they fawn over him. "Isn't he just adorable?"

We love him.

[DFW]

2. In such times

I think we all experience moments when we wish to imagine to be true that which logic demands that we reject in less vulnerable moments. It’s what makes us human except in the cases of the hardest of hearts.

[whathehell]

14. At no time

does logic "demand" we know what we do not know.

[Mister Ed]

4. There's an old folk saying that I made up myself:

"The proof of God's existence is that He gave us dogs; the proof that we are fallen from His grace is that they can only live for fourteen years or so."

[SheltieLover]

5. ...

[Rhiannon12866]

7. Oh, Nance, I am so sorry

And I have been there, too. Of course I remember Jeff, wishing his and your beloved Zen a safe and calm passage and peace and love to you.

[Solly Mack]

8. ...

[gademocrat7]

9. So very sorry, Nance.

Our pets give us their love and loyalty. Hugs to you.

[lark]

10. So sorry for your loss.

It's so hard when beloved furry members of the family are departing.

[Trueblue Texan]

11. I'm so sorry you are losing part of your family...

...I wish for you peace and healing and when you're ready, another wonderful critter to share your life with.

[yokbizzi]

12. Take heart

It’s true. Both Jeff and then Zen will be in his loving embrace. 😘

[AZ8theist]

13. First of all, Nance....I absolutely love your writing here on DU..

Your diaries are an ENORMOUS pleasure to read. I only wish I had your eloquence.

Secondly, I, and my wife and son are in the same boat. Our first rescue mutt, Maya, is nearing the end. We got her when she was about 4, and she was the most unbelievably loving animal anyone could ever wish for. The sweetest thing I've ever experienced in my life. We got her as a present on my son's 7th birthday (since I believe all boys should have a dog growing up) but she soon attached to me instead of my son. I think she detected that I was the "alpha male" in our household. She followed me everywhere. Still does. But that's OK, she is loved and gives love to all of us.
Now, some 14 years later, she is breaking down. Her hind legs are not working well. She stumbles and sometimes can't get up. We've given all sorts of things to make life more comfortable, but I fear the end is near.
It's incredibly sad. These dogs give you NOTHING but unconditional love. My kids aren't even close to that....

When the time comes, it will be the saddest day of my life.

Nance, my heart is with you. But try and think of the good times....the pleasure Zen brought to your life. The times Zen saw you when you came home and that tail wagged SO HARD you thought his butt would come apart!!! When he looked at you you could swear he was smiling.
I try not to be an emotional man, but I'm crying as I write this, so I need to stop. My best wishes, my dear friend.

[2naSalit]

15. (((((NANCE))))

[The Wizard]

16. Condolences my friend

Last edited Thu Feb 4, 2021, 08:22 AM - Edit history (1)

The following helped me several times when losing a faithful companion. I will hug our little guy BB James for Zen.
On January 4, 1993, the cat in this book and the books that preceded it was put to sleep in Kerrville, Texas, by DR. W.H. Hoegemeyer and myself. Cuddles was fourteen years old, a respectable age. She was as close to me as any human being I have ever known.
Cuddles and I spent many years together, both in New York, where I found her as a little kitten on the street in Chinatown, and later on the ranch in Texas. She was always with me, on the table, on the bed, by the fireplace, beside the typewriter, on top of my suitcase when I returned from a trip.
I dug Cuddles' grave with a silver spade, in the little garden by the stream behind the old green trailer where both of us lived in the summertime. Her burial shroud was my old New York sweatshirt and in the grave with her is a can of tuna and a cigar.
A few days ago I received a sympathy note from Bill Hoegemeyer, the veterinarian. It opened with a verse by Irving Townsend: "We who choose to surround ourselves with lives even more temporary than our own live within a fragile circle…"
Now as I write this, on a gray winter day by the fireside, I can almost feel her light tread moving from my head and my heart down through my fingertips to the keys of the typewriter. People may surprise you with unexpected kindness. Dogs have a depth of loyalty that we often seem unworthy of. But the love of a cat is a blessing, a privilege in this world.
They say when you die and go to heaven all the dogs and cats you ever owned in your life come running to meet you.
Until that day, rest in peace Cuddles.
Kinky Friedman
Madina, Texas
February 5, 1993
When I am very old, when I no longer enjoy good health, please do
not make heroic efforts to keep me going. I am not having fun. Just
see to it that my trusting life is taken gently. And be with me on
that difficult journey when it is time to say goodbye. Never say, "I
can't bear to watch". Everything is easier for me when you are there.
I will leave this earth knowing with my last breath that my fate was
always safest in your hands. I love you.

[catbyte]

17. I'm so very sorry.

[DeeDeeNY]

18. Oh Nance. This can't be easy.

My most heartfelt thoughts go out to you. JeffR and his DUzy awards brought so much humor to this site, as do you with your amazing essays. I hope you can find comfort in the coming days.

[Blue_playwright]

19. Thinking of you.

I know his passing will be doubly painful as it’s a piece of Jeff, too. I’m so sorry.

[KarenS]

20. weeping here,,,, I am so sorry. It is so hard to lose them. n/t

[LittleGirl]

21. Oh Nance

I’m so sorry for your loss. I remember when your husband passed. I know that Zen clung to you mourning him too. May his passing be gentle. My sincere condolences.

[BlancheSplanchnik]

22. My tears for you, Nance....

😪😪😪💔

[NurseJackie]

23. I know this heartbreak well...

... I'm sorry that it's visiting you today. Deepest sympathies to you.

[panader0]

24. Very sorry Nance. I too had a dog I named Zen. He is gone now.

He joined Sammy, Steiner, Buster, Miles and Neptune in doggie heaven. I miss them all.

[mollie8]

25. An experience I don't usually share:

There are many things in this world that we don't understand, but that doesn't mean they're not real.

I was with my grandmother when she died. I realized she was leaving me and spontaneously reached out to her and cried, "No, Grandmama, no!" I then felt her push me back and without voice heard her say, "No!, let me go!" Ever since then I have been certain that when you pass, you just leave the physical world and move on to the next phase.

My heart goes out to you in your grief. I believe your husband and your beloved pet will be with you in your heart until you meet again on the other side.

[sarge43]

26. Peaceful passage over the Rainbow Bridge, Zen

You love and are loved.

Condolences. Zen made a place in your heart and he will never leave.

[FailureToCommunicate]

27. ...

[BigBearJohn]

28. So sorry for the loss of your dear Zen.

“If I have any beliefs about immortality it is that certain dogs I know will go to heaven, and very very few people.”

[PirateRo]

29. I am glad he has you as his family

It’s difficult at times to explain to people that your dog is family, respected, trusted as any other family member. Entirely too many people think of a dog as they might a lamp or a couch or just a thing to have because neighbors.

I think it speaks for you that you concern yourself with his best interest. It highlights you as a person keen on taking care of others, of building relationships and of a strong view to move forward together. I am glad he has you to steward him at this time.

It is one of the hardest things in the entire world to be there at the end, holding a family member at the end of times. The pain is very deep and it runs a very long time. Sometimes I envy people who claim that time cures all. It’s never been nearly so kind to me but I can hope it will for you.

Please allow yourself time to grieve. I wish you all the best.

[Fortinbras Armstrong]

30. You have made me remember my Madison

Madison was a Great Pyrenees who we got from a rescue. She had been badly abused as a puppy, and as the woman who ran the rescue told us, "has trust issues". However, we soon got her to trust us, in large part because we had another Great Pyrenees, Belle, who clearly loved and trusted us. She was always timid around people she didn't know.

When she was younger, Madison liked to get onto our bed and lie between Suzanne and me. Since she weighed a hundred pounds, this meant she took up a lot of space. What she wanted was for one of us to stroke her throat and the other to rub her belly, which shows real trust. When we would do that, she would purr. I have never known a dog who purred before.

When she was eight, she got an aggressive cancer. On the morning of the day that we were going to take her to the vet to have her put down, she got into bed with us one last time -- something she hadn't done in several years -- and had us stroke her throat and belly. Of course, she purred for us. She then got off the bed, laid down on the floor, and died. Neither Suzanne nor I have ever had any doubt that she was saying "good-bye" to us.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

31. ....

[lillypaddle]

32. May he have the peaceful crossing you hope for

I don't know about an afterlife, either, but I do believe that every living thing releases their energy when the expire.

Zen and your husband will find each other.

[Hotler]

33. Peace to you.

To mark a friend's remains these stones arise,
I never knew but one — and here he lies.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epitaph_to_a_Dog

[Fla Dem]

34. May Zen go peacefully and once again snuggle with your husband Jeff.

I am so sorry you’ll be losing a loving 🥰 pal.

[Wicked Blue]

35. My heart aches for you

May Zen pass peacefully, without suffering.

May he and Jeff meet again.

We came so close to losing one of ours a few weeks ago. It tears me up even thinking about losing my daughter's Bailey, my beloved Penny or fierce little Daisy.

Our 17-year-old cat died last fall. But she's not entirely gone. Sometimes I can almost see her or sense her in the kitchen. Not quite a shadow, a faint glimpse from the corner of my eye.

[3catwoman3]

36. One of our vets once said to us that...

...we bring our animals into our lives knowing that we will outlive them, but we do it anyway, because life is better with them being part of it.

So true.

Wishing you serenity.

[Laffy Kat]

37. This was heart-breaking to read. I am so very sorry.

What a loving caregiver you were to Zen.

[denbot]

38. .