two kids vs. one: more work for parents or do they entertain each other?

[yurbud]

My wife and I are think about having a second child.

She thinks it would just be more work, but I think some or all of the additional work would be canceled out by the time the two kids spend playing together.

Any parents want to weigh in?

[PassingFair]

1. When you and your wife are gone they will still have each other.

If everything goes according to "plan".

My girls are 3-1/2 years apart.

There is no greater joy for me than to
hear them laughing together.

Truth.

[ScreamingMeemie]

12. "You are a huge b***h with a sickening voice, don't ever touch my DOG!"

I'm posting this for Nicole, without comment.


****Disclaimer-Before one is tempted to alert, PassingFair is my BFF and this is not a personal attack.

[PassingFair]

21. Oh alright, I didn't say they laughed ALL the time!

"Little stupid, little RUDE!"

[elleng]

22. Yes but . . . .

my daughters, 23 and 26, don't get along. There were surely pleasant and even joyous moments, but not right now.

One never knows.

[seabeyond]

2. hard. really really, much harder for the first 4, 5 yrs. especially the first couple years.

you dont realize how easy you have it, until you give that only child thing up.

BUT

it is grand after that. really, it is just the first couple that is so hard.

BUT

it is worth it.

i would have had one more, if i wasnt so old when i started. and my boys get along great. very little fighting because i grew up in a house that had us kids fighting, a lot. i hated it and it made me sick. never allowed my boys to fight and they dont. they are 14 and 16... 2 and half year difference.

it is harder, not gonna lie

[Brickbat]

3. How old is your first?

I mean, sure, it's "more work." You go from the double-team to the man-on-man defense. Any more and you have to switch to the zone. But having the first kid was work, too. And much of the work came from learning new skills -- coping skills, parenting skills, diaper skills, prioritizing, and so on. So a lot of the mental work that comes with having a first kid will seem pretty smooth by the second one.

As they get older, it's easier to outsource some of the kid-watching to the older sibling. (It all depends on the kids, of course.)

While most kids with siblings wish at some point that they were an only child, I think that while being an only child has its special moments, it becomes harder in adulthood. Which isn't necessarily a good reason to have another kid, but it's something to think about. Everyone who is close to me has a sibling, except for my MIL, who has a difficult mother, and I think sometimes she really wishes she had someone who had shared her experience and who she can talk to about it.

[yurbud]

8. current kid: 1.6 yrs

[Burma Jones]

4. It is more work, we have three kids

and while they do play with each other, they also bicker and fight and all the other all too human activities.

But, the work is worth it.

[HeiressofBickworth]

5. There are pros and cons

I was the oldest of three kids. Next one was 3 years younger. We fought all the time and as adults, we do not have a relationship. The one after that was 10 years younger -- I was married and gone when she was 9. I also have no relationship with her. Since they spent more time in the home together, they have a relationship with each other.

I had one child. I was divorced when she was 2. It was easier to have one child than to take care of and provide for more when I was on my own. It is a challenge to teach an only child to have compassion for others, to view the world in something other than a self-centered point of view. That seems to be easier with more than one child. Now that she is an adult, I tell her that since she is my only heir, she doesn't have to worry about some disgruntled sibling demanding a better split of the goods (LOL).

As I've told my daughter, deciding when and how many to reproduce is an intensely personal matter and the answer for one person may not be the answer for another.

[beac]

6. Not a parent myself, but a great quote from a friend about the subject of work to # of kids:

"One is one and two is twenty."


Please also bear in mind that they might play together and be friends but there's every chance they won't. My sibling and I fought all our childhoods and are not close now.

[surrealAmerican]

7. It is more work, but it's worth it.

It's much more work in the early years, when all their interactions will need to be supervised. Even though they may get along beautifully at some ages, there will be some times when they will be very antagonistic.

My two are three years apart (they're 17 and 20 now). They got along well more often than not. The worst years of their relationship were when either of them was four years old.

[riderinthestorm]

9. It's a lot more work and they may not end up playing with each other

Mine didn't. They are 24 and 15 now and while you'd think my older girl would have loved having a younger sister, she didn't. Ignored her and even to this day they aren't close.

You can't bank on them being playmates.

If you want two children, you have to want two without any considerations about how they may get along in the future.

[MountainLaurel]

11. If my brother and I were playing together

You could bet that something was about to explode or catch on fire.

[riderinthestorm]

18. My husband and I privately called our youngest "coyote chow" for the longest time.

We were never quite sure if the oldest wouldn't throw her younger sister out to the coyotes if we turned our backs.... (we're rural).

Even now, as the youngest is in desperate need of a mentor - a successful older girl/woman to confide in and look up to - she steadfastly refuses to consider her sister who is an ideal model (maybe thats why of course). They've been a cross-ends with each other since the beginning.

Wish it were different but banking on siblings "playing with each other" to ease the stress of raising two??? (where's that rolls-on-the-floor smilie now??! dammit).

Sometimes you get just the opposite and have to be even more vigilante. More stress. They'd have happily thrown matches at each other and started the house on fire if they'd thought of it (which they did not thank gawd....)

I have no idea if they'll ever become close. Of course I'm really interested in their dynamic as their mother but if I try to force it, then something really WILL explode!

[JoePhilly]

10. I got this ... the calculation changs over time ...

Ok ... child one is the hardest ... neither of you knows what the hell you are doing. And you argue over who is doing it right.

And so, you divide up the work into very specific aspects.

Then you have #2 ... after the initial BUMP of effort, you settle down into what is basically a man-to-man defense. Two parents versus 2 kids. Bottom line, 2 is a bit harder, but not twice as hard.

And, because you begin to split the effort, you argue less about who is right. Overall effort for child #2 comes DOWN because the parents tend to fight less about who did what right.

And then the "they play together kicks in". Which does tend to help, unless they fight.

Add a 3rd (we have three) and you have to go to a "match up zone" defense against them.

So my point ... you can double team one, but you tend to get in each other's way. You can go "man-to-man" with 2 and be just fine. When you add #3, you need to learn what a "match up zone" is so that one of you can cover 2 of the opposing players.

[HappyMe]

13. More work.

[shanti]

14. more work

siblings don't always get along.

[Curmudgeoness]

15. Well, with one, you always know who did it.

With two, it is always finger pointing. So the only child sooner or later learns that they will not get away with it.

The down side is that only children do not learn some of the lessons about getting along and sharing.

The up side of an only child is that you only have one kid to put through college.

The down side is that you can't just make them entertain each other.

The up side is the fights about ....

You get the idea, it really isn't about one or two children, it is what you want. But I will say that you are considering this at a good time. With the one only 1.6 years old, the age gap will not be too bad. The bigger the age gap, the harder it will be to have a good bond with each other.

[nolabear]

16. I like having two. And for them, the pressure's not so intense.

Onlies have to be the only one. It's got advantages too but it does have its stressors.

And yep, quite a bit more to manage.

[bigwillq]

17. Do it. Have another child.

It's more work, but it was great having a playmate. My sister and I are twins. We always had a best friend.

[one_voice]

19. My parents had five kids...

combined..

For them it was like having triplets and a set of twins.

For instance....16,15.14 and 2 were 11

We were all very close even from a young age. We are all still very close as are our children...

Oh man the gray hair we gave my parents. They said they wouldn't have it any other way.

I have two--almost five years apart. My daughter is the oldest. They got along well when they were young...of course they had arguments and the stop touching me stuff, my they were buddies.

It was my daughter who taught my son his letters and started him reading...he wanted his sissy to read to him, so she did and she taught him to read.

She took him to his first concert, they still hang out.

I would have them a little closer maybe 3 years...

I think it's a good thing to have a brother or sister, or multiple siblings.

[Orrex]

20. MUCH more work. Having one child prepares you almost not at all for having two

On the bright side, you can put them to work as janitors when they each hit the ripe old age of five.

[shraby]

23. Look at it this way, if one takes all your time, two can't take much more.

[XemaSab]

24. Have another one

I'm an only child, and sometimes it was very lonely growing up.

Also, my mom was working and going to school when I was growing up, but she made up for it by being a helicopter parent.

I think if I'd had a brother or sister there would have been more fun and less pressure for me.

They might not get along, but then again they might be best friends.

Also, with the money thing, I think parents often over think that. So you can make casseroles and shop for clothes at Goodwill. You might not be able to pay full tuition at Harvard.

When you're old, do you think you're more likely to regret NOT having had a second child, or having HAD a second child?

[ScreamingMeemie]

25. Mine are 8 years apart. The funny thing is, the older one always comes down to the younger's level

(current age 13). The younger never rises up. They were both rather like only children. I say, do what you feel you want to do, and don't worry about how they will get along. I really don't think it's much more work...until they both start playing different sports/concerts/plays.

[Phentex]

26. mine entertained each other and they are still close as teens...

but maybe it's age difference and personality. They are 19 months apart and have very different personalities so they don't compete with each other. Made great playmates as toddlers/boys and now they hang out in the boy cave together with no problem. I suspect they'll be really close as adults but I have no way to know for sure.

Being so close in age, I was able to get them on the same nap schedule and the younger one tried to keep up with his brother so things like potty training and learning to ride a bike came easy.

My sister and I are a year apart and very close. I have older sisters (6 and 10 years older) and I hardly know them.