Am I the only one (at least here) that detests "family zoom" calls?

[CTyankee]

I love to see my kids and their kids. I can't stand my ex-husband and his wife, however. Whoever thought this idea up should be shot. I'm anxious before and furious after each call. I have to use a tablet with which I am unfamiliar.

It occurred to me that I can't be the only one subjected to these emotionally awful situations, all done under the "ideal" of getting together with the family. I don't want to complain because then I'll be the spoiler.

So I thought I'd check in here to sample some other folks opinions. Whaddya think?

[TreasonousBastard]

1. Any way to see the kids without the ex? That could solve the obvious problem.

[CTyankee]

3. We're all getting together on Martha's Vineyard in a few weeks. Mostly these occasions are inclusive

My now and forever husband doesn't want to come because he can't stand my ex and his wife. They are pretty awful but he's my kids dad and I can't be seen as the spoiler. Sometimes I visit the MA daughter and we go to the museums in Boston to see some really good shows.

[Ocelot II]

2. I've never had one.

What little family I have left communicate via old-fashioned phone calls, and I don't talk to my heinous sister-in-law at all. Maybe you should just opt out of Zoom altogether and talk on the phone to the people you want to talk to. Or you could plead technical problems the next time a Zoom call is scheduled. "Sorry, I'm having internet connection problems; I'll call you later."

[CTyankee]

4. It is very sad, isn't it? That I am reduced to making up a reason not to be in on a family call.

I'm relieved to hear that you have a heinous member of your family. My ex husband's wife is one such specimen. I get agitated just thinking about her, she's so obviously bent on putting me down any chance she can. I am really trying to rise above this but why should I get ulcers?

[Ocelot II]

5. I'm guessing most people have at least one family member or in-law

that they wish they didn't have. My SIL is a textbook narcissist, and before I decided not to have anything to do with her she made my life miserable over my mother's estate, complaining that as executor I should have had the estate pay my brother (inexplicably, her husband) for helping our mother before she passed away (just like my other brother and I had done), and for assisting our father to sell their house and dispose of household items, the nicest of which she managed to take for herself. Her emails to me were really vicious, and I finally told my brother I wanted nothing more to do with her. She's a nasty old cow.

[CTyankee]

6. This woman was having an affair with him, my husband at the time. But I went the "high road" out

of concern for my kids who were young. I didn't want them to be dragged into a messy divorce (on the grounds of his adultery). I went for a no fault divorce, which made it nice for her because she now acts like she's "grandmother." My ex didn't want any more children so she wanted to be grandma to mine. I made it perfectly clear on that one: I was the grandmother and their father's stepmother was the other grandmother (she was a nice lady).

[rsdsharp]

11. I had an estate action like that once. I was representing the estate

and a daughter of the deceased filed a claim against the estate asking that she be reimbursed for ANYTHING she had ever done for her mother going back to the late sixties. Running errands, driving her to the doctor, planting flowers; you name it, she wanted to be paid. To make it worse, she wanted $10 an hour for her time, and to be reimbursed at the current mileage rate.

She had 10 brothers and sisters, and her claim exceeded the total value of the estate, so if she won, no one else would get anything. The cherry on top was this witch was so nasty, she accused her sister, who was serving as executor, of sexually abusing her as a child. Two of her siblings supported her Gid knows why. The other eight, not so much.

[Ocelot II]

13. In my state at least, personal services can't be charged to or recovered from an estate

absent a specific agreement. I explained this to SIL several times, to no avail, after pointing out to her that it was none of her business in the first place and that if my brother had a problem with it he needs to tell me directly - which he never did. She accused me of cheating him out of estate funds he was entitled to, and it all went downhill from there.

[NNadir]

12. I'm not sure this will help, but I try this line on my wife when she's having a problem with...

...someone who she thinks is putting her down. (My wife is a very sensitive type.)

First I ask her to think of Ms. Roosevelt's sterling advice, which is, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

You might try this, when she says something to put you down, you could smile and say, "How charming..." or something similar, and nothing more. "What a lovely thought..." Trust me, it may drive her crazy.

You can actually kill people with kindness, even if it not actually real kindness or intended as kindness.

Personally, I always try to be amused by my anger. It's easier on me.

As for Zoom, at least you don't need to be in the room with her. You have a husband you love, and that is more than everything else; your husband will be in the room with you, and neither her nor your ex.

Life is too short to waste it on anger. If it's for your children, and their families that you zoom or go, enjoy those for whom you go.

[multigraincracker]

7. One brother and his two adult kids.

Face Time is it. Christmas is a piece of cake too.

[Buckeye_Democrat]

8. I haven't used Zoom, but I don't even accept...

... "Facetime" calls from my relatives.

If I'm going to talk to them by phone, I'll likely be doing other tasks at the same time. Possibly even sitting on a toilet!

Edit: I've only been involved with Zoom, or those kinds of visual telecommunications, during holidays when other family members have initiated it.

[RockRaven]

9. I dislike them too.

What I don't care for is feeling like I'm being held hostage by the most gregarious, talky person in the bunch. There's no elegant way to bow out early if two or more people start with some unending stream of trivial tittle tattle, or not participate in some inane thing like "let's go around and everyone say one thing that... yadda yadda."

An in-person family gathering with two dozen people is night and day different than a zoom call with two dozen people. With the former, like minded people can escape together when they aren't interested in whatever the larger group is up to, and you can mostly avoid certain individuals if necessary.

[CTyankee]

15. Pretend to fall asleep. Maybe no one will notice or will be glad you did to shorten the call!

[Archae]

10. Before my Mom died last October...

My younger sister and I at the height of the pandemic had a zoom chat with my Mom and my oldest sister.

So it was the four of us, we could talk and see each other, until my Mom would get tired.

Last Christmas, after Mom died, I had a zoom chat with the two sisters, since the oldest sister lives in California.

But it worked well, we enjoyed it and will probably do it again this Christmas.

[csziggy]

14. I hate Zoom calls of any sort - and any video calls at all

I just don't want to have to put on a bra and normal clothes to talk to people. If I have to do that, I want to do it in person so I can more easily sort out who is talking and who I want to talk to.

But then I am an old curmudgeon who doesn't really like to talk to people much at all anyway. (Can women be curmudgeons?)

The group I am a member of has had Zoom meetings monthly since last fall. I have not "attended" one of them. I use the excuse that my Windows 7 desktop does not have a camera or mic and I'm not going to buy one for it. Besides, getting Zoom to work on it is sort of a kludge if I had the technology on it. They posted some videos of their meetings and it just seems chaotic.

My husband's family has had some Zoom meetings, but I let him take those upstairs on his laptop and he can deal with it.

Even if I weren't retired I wouldn't have to do Zoom - running a farm does not require long distance meetings.