I'm so fucking angry

[vercetti2021]

You know what's the worst thing ever? Finding out shit through Facebook. Last time I had lunch with my dad he was going to see his brother In Idaho. Like awesome. I told him to have a good time. But come to find out not even ten fucking minutes ago that it was actually a family reunion with my other uncles, aunts and cousins. He purposely fucking withheld that from me.

Like cousins I haven't seen since the early 2000s. Like didn't even have the fucking courtesy to even ask me.

I need to vent because I'm close to having a psychotic bitch moment and can't calm down right now.

[PortTack]

1. Sorry.. cruel and unkind on your father's part!!

[vercetti2021]

5. Its gotta be the transition

He probably figured it out now

[LymphocyteLover]

2. Sorry! That sucks.

[cilla4progress]

3. Why

didn't he tell you??

[vercetti2021]

4. I don't know

He did the same shit when my grandparents died and didn't tell me about their wake in California

[Laffy Kat]

6. That's messed up.

Are you going to confront him, or is it just not worth it?

[vercetti2021]

8. What's the point?

I thought this late in life this kinda shit would be in the past. But it isn't. Not at all. Even as a fucking adult he finds ways to hurt me still.

[Laffy Kat]

9. I am so sorry. He sounds toxic. nt

[vercetti2021]

12. Kinda always was

I thought as an adult. He wouldn't be that way with me anymore. I'm 31...and goddamn it still hurts

[wnylib]

18. Hurts when you expect better.

Maybe just accepting what he is like and not expecting better will remove his ability to inflict hurt.

[7wo7rees]

7. Hang tight. A little perspective maybe. Understand you are upset, but there is a silver lining.

Your exposure to the rampant Delta tearing through the country was greatly reduced.
Not much to be happy about, but tis true.

[Tesha]

10. Families

They can hurt you more than anyone.

[vercetti2021]

11. So true

Something is clearly wrong with me. I'm always just written off as an individual. Honestly now I just wonder what's the point of being alive when you aren't even noticed by your own blood

[cate94]

13. The point is you.

They don’t define you, you do. And frankly, it is their loss—no wait—your dad’s loss, the rest of your family didn’t necessarily even know you were dissed.

[Demovictory9]

15. Reach out to the other family..let them know to contact you directly about family events

You have the contol over contact with family..take the power away from dad.

Next family event he will walk in and be surprised to see you there

[vercetti2021]

20. Not a bad idea

But they are tight knit and likely would tell him

[DFW]

23. You know what? LET them tell him.

All the while when he is packing to go, he knows that you know, and has to face you anyway. He'll at least have to open his mouth.

[vercetti2021]

24. I'd hope they would tell me

I have a hard time believing they would sadly.

[DFW]

25. That's rough. All of them?

Not a friend among them? That's one unhappy thing to confront.

[vercetti2021]

48. I believe so

I think it does have a lot to do with being transgender, liberal and changing your last name.

[NullTuples]

51. If they refuse to accept those things,

...why do you want them in your life so badly?

Build a new extended family from people YOU choose. Yes, it's painful and it sucks. But then it gets better and in the end the remainder of your life is so much happier because those blood relatives are not at all likely to change. Maybe 10-20 years ago a few might have, but I just don't see it anymore.

[vercetti2021]

54. I thought my cousins would be different

We are all from the same generation group. I thought more open minded about it

[DFW]

52. Another world from where I live.

My condoleances!

[vercetti2021]

56. A better world

That's for sure.

[Demovictory9]

53. so they tell him. the point is to establish your communication with the family

[calimary]

36. That's a good idea.

Have THEM keep you informed.

It’s a shame you even have to go through this, in the first place.

[MLAA]

27. Sounds more like something is wrong with him. You are not your father 💖

[vercetti2021]

58. I want to hope

But it seems like there is something indeed wrong with me.

[CommonHumanity]

28. I know how you feel

I know how you feel. My family treats me the same way. It is super painful and makes me reject myself. Your post above seems to be kind of going in the same direction of rejecting/devaluing yourself. Please try not to. It is really hard, but as one who understands, I am 100 percent behind you. So unfair.


Though I am sorry you have to go through this undeserved annihilating crap, it is actually a comfort to me to know someone else who doesn't deserve it is treated this way too. I guess it helps normalize it since the behavior makes me feel like an unloved, unwanted outcast who tries and cannot understand why she is not loved and wanted. I want to say a lot more and will write more in the coming days, but for right now maybe you can take comfort in knowing it happens to other decent people too. Hang in there ok? I'm a little older than you and will think back on what has helped me deal it and post to you again. You can contact me for support anytime. Love to you-you deserve it even if your dad isn't giving it for his insane reasons.

[vercetti2021]

42. Think they only way they'd notice

If I died. Hell I went to the hospital two years ago and nearly died from sepsis. Everyone jumped to make sure my mom was okay because she really is the only person that hasn't abandoned me yet. So it was taking a toll on her. Most of them stopped showing up a day or so later and my aunt didn't even come to see me. Like seriously they only notice you when you're gone. Somedays I wish it were like that.

[OAITW r.2.0]

14. Now that you know, why not invite yourself along?

Announce it on Facebook! "Guess what, I'm coming too!" Go, to connect with your cousins, at the very least.

[vercetti2021]

16. It already happened

It's over now. My cousin told me they missed me. I'm like. I wasn't even invited let alone told.

[OAITW r.2.0]

17. Sorry....that sucks. nt

[catrose]

19. I'm so sorry. Once my aunts and cousins figured out that my mother never told me anything,

they made sure to tell me about family events in the future.

[vercetti2021]

21. Yeah no idea if it would be the same

They are more tight knit and I'm on the outside of it

[catrose]

31. I'm sorry. Family hurts.

[drmeow]

34. If your cousin told you they missed you

you might not be as much on the outside as you think. There may be big generational differences, too. If you want to have a relationship with the family, you might consider trying to establish one with your age cohort. It may not work and you may need to be prepared for it to fail - but, if it does, that gives you permission to stop trying and move on with your life.

My cousin decided (at 50) that his older brother had abused him and refused to have anything to do with family events if his brother was included. As soon as his twin sons turned 18 they immediately went back to participating. Kids can see when the adults are being idiots/assholes!

My parents didn't tell me they were going to move temporarily across the country to North Carolina when I was the only one of their offspring who lived anywhere near them (3 hours away - siblings were both on the other coast). They have done that sort of sh$t to me all my life - not at the level you're talking about but it still hurts. It wasn't until my husband once told them (when they were making excuses about why they didn't tell me about a family trip I had been uncertain about whether I'd be able to go on so they assumed I wasn't interested) "no, you should have told her" that I (1) realized it wasn't me in the wrong it was them and (2) it shut them up. My mother-in-law never forgets my birthday - I'm lucky if I get a phone call from my parents! This year it lumped in with a family zoom call to celebrate my nephew's birthday which kept getting postponed because it wasn't convenient for my sister.

[vercetti2021]

47. Wow

Your parents sound like asses indeed. Why do that?

[drmeow]

67. they forgot to tell me

It's been 30+ years so I don't remember the details but I remember I was on the phone with them and they started talking about it like I already knew. When I reacted with "What?" the response was basically along the lines of "Didn't we tell you?" My dad was going to on sabbatical and had gotten a grant - which means they didn't tell me he'd applied for the grant, didn't tell me he'd gotten the grant, and didn't tell me they were going to be gone.

For the family vacation, I'd lost my jib and when the idea had been brought up I said I wasn't sure, it would depend on my job situation. They decided that meant I wasn't interested so they made all these plans without me.

You say you're 31 and it still hurts? I'm f**cking 57 and I'm tearing up just typing this. THANK GOD for my husband - he really helped me see that it's not right!

I still have a decent relationship with my family but I've finally stopped expecting them to reach out to me. I can definitely relate to your feelings of being an outsider.

[ZonkerHarris]

59. If that's the case, no offense, but his family sounds like a bunch of assholes

and you may be better off without them and spending time with people you care about that love you back.

[vercetti2021]

61. That's true

I would always hope that they wouldn't be this way

[wnylib]

22. Sounds like the toxic sort of person

who would offer to the rest of the family to tell you, then not tell you, and report back to them that he didn't know why you chose not to go.

Undercut him by contacting other relatives directly. Remove his power to exclude you. Expose him to everyone else.

[Hekate]

35. If your cuz told you s/he missed you, be sure to tell the truth: "Dad never told me. ...

… I missed you too. Please stay in touch with me personally.”

[vercetti2021]

38. Oh I did

I said just let me know next time. My dad didn't even tell me

[Hekate]

41. Good.Say it again as needed. Don't stay silent out of shame--which is what toxic dad wants you to do

[vercetti2021]

46. Usually do

Makes it easier for me sometimes to bury it deep down and move on

[multigraincracker]

26. Change your number and cut him off.

That has worked for me. I can pick my friends.

[luckone]

29. Let him know how disappointed you are in him for telling1/2 truths+ not having the courtesy to ask u

I would let him know how you feel- might as well he doesn’t seem to give af- I wouldn’t let him think he got away with the snub

[vercetti2021]

39. Really not sure where to even start

If I say something its gonna go south fast

[Joinfortmill]

30. No words. Sending good vibes

[RicROC]

32. passive-aggressive

We are (at least I am) so good at being passive-aggressive.

But a suggestion to be proactive and not confrontational is to react to the public postings from the family on Facebook and not reacting to your father might be:

"I'm so glad you had such a nice gathering'. I wish I was there to meet all of you. Let me know the next time there is a family reunion....I'll bring the steaks'

In that way, you cut your dad out of the process. You want to meet your family? Meet them- away from your dad.

(I guess, this might be a wee bit passive-aggressive with your father, but as an adult you are making your own decisions to meet your family. Besides, they might tell you things about your father that make the pieces of the puzzle come together)

[vercetti2021]

49. I sorta did that

I said hopefully I'll see yall around the bend

[SheltieLover]

33. So sorry, V

Breathe deeply.

[vercetti2021]

45. I'm just tired

Like my post above. If I were dead. Then they'd notice.

[Warpy]

37. You're entitled.

Once you recover your sanity, you can ask him about it, but make sure you're in the right frame of mind to listen to the answer and decide whether or not it has any merits, like everything came together at the last minute while he was en route.

until then, you get to be as hurt/furious/psychotic as you want to be. It looks like a terrible snub. Now is the time for you to get rid of those cutesy gift coffee mugs you don't use and don't like. Find a concrete wall and turn them into dust.

My parents could be dicks on occasion, so I know what I am talking about. Rage, break things, and wait for fury to turn into sorrow. Then find out just what the fuck happened and why.

[vercetti2021]

44. Can't even do that

Just end up making stuff bad in my own house and my momma stressed. Like usually I bury it and leave it alone.

[Maraya1969]

40. Family is the worst. Some of the things my own brother has done to me over

the year have been absolutely cruel.

I was told that God gave us friends to make up for our families. Hang here with us!

[vercetti2021]

43. Yeah friends are good

Just hard to make em

[InAbLuEsTaTe]

50. Wow, don't blame ya for bein upset... I would be too!!

[LT Barclay]

55. Not that it helps much, but my wife has gone through the same thing for years with her father.

Rough on her and has made our marriage quite a roller coaster. This weekend was one if the valleys and was 2 days of hell.
Find good friends. The Sierra Club has meetings and outings all over the country. I love sailing, the American Sailing Association (asa.org) has instructors on almost every puddle big enough to float a boat.
Its not you.

[vercetti2021]

57. I'm sorry

I don't understand what you mean by that at the end

[LT Barclay]

60. Her hurts are deep. Arguments can take days to resolve.

[Eko]

62. Ah, sometimes you have to come to the realization

that your family is not worth you and let them go.

[vercetti2021]

64. I think I did

Last night was enough of the bullshit

[LiberalLoner]

63. I'm so sorry. Sometimes family members can be so cruel.

We are here for you. 🌹🌹🌹

[vercetti2021]

65. That's a damn given now

Like either side. My dad's or my mom's side. All of them can be disappointing

[cksmithy]

66. I'm so fucking angry

I am so sorry. I know a little bit about how you feel. After my marriage in 1971 to a non Mormon man, my parents and siblings had all been baptized, temple marriages, etc. My entire family, 2 parents, 5 bothers and sisters, treated me as an outsider. I was basically shunned, not told about funerals, births, or graduations. I had to call them, ask about my family or I never found out what was happening with my family. When I asked about an aunt and found out she had passed away months earlier unexpectedly, they acted like they were stunned that I was even interested. My parents have both passed on. Needless to say, I really do not keep in touch with the rest of my siblings. It is just sad that this happens for whatever reason. Fifty years ago or today it it is unbelievably painful.

[halfulglas]

68. Coming from a large original family, a little tip.

I'm was one of 6 kids and my mother had 7 brothers so on that side of the family was large. All my uncles and aunts are passed now, and even a number of my sibs and cousins. But a good idea is to not depend on Facebook. Get your cousins' email addresses and keep in touch with them, not always important things, just drop a line or two to let them know how things are and it will prove you're interested in what's going on with the family. They might automatically keep you in the loop on goings on without going through your monster of a father, and that is what he is. It's his problem, not yours, that he enjoys hurting you and cutting you out. Besides, it might make him angry that he can't control your contacts with your extended family.

It might be of interest to your family that the family on my Mum's side after a number of years not having any reunions after the original generation died off, some family members moving to both coasts and in between, and trouble with scheduling a summer gathering trying to accommodate everyone's else's schedule, decided to reinstitute a family reunion but have it on a certain given weekend every year and sticking to it (except last year because of COVID) and whoever can make it, fine, as long as they answer the email so they are expected. Those that couldn't because of scheduling or other things - well, better luck next year. This year we had over 30 - not bad considering the West Coast contingent couldn't make it. Some years it's around 100. Sometimes it's funny the things you find out. Sometimes other people have misconceptions because someone else in the family told them things completely untrue. In other words, don't burn bridges with your cousins. They may not know your father's true nature so there might still be hope for a relationship with them.

[vercetti2021]

69. I told her to just contact me directly

Because no way in hell would my father let me know. If there is another, message me and I'll make it. I hope by then this covid shit is not killing us all. But that's our fam. My mom's side stopped doing it once all the older generation died off. My dad's side didn't stop though.

[halfulglas]

70. That's good.

The best "revenge" against your father would be for him to know you will continue your relationship with your cousins long after he's gone.