tell me a joke. i let the trolls get to me today.

[mopinko]

i need a laugh. i cant believe i let them suck me in, but here we are.
i'm done now, but i need a palette cleanser to get on w my day.

irish and farmer jokes esp welcome.

[FM123]

1. Here are some funny tweets about cats & dogs, hope it brings a smile to your face.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/funniest-tweets-cats-dogs-july-10-16_n_60f07074e4b0b2a04a21bccd

[mopinko]

2. love this one, esp

Link to tweet

not a big cat fan. i mean, i dont dislike them. i'll just say that i have been glad to be allergic.

[Croney]

3. Did you see this yesterday? They seemed to get funnier as

they went on.

https://www.democraticunderground.com/10181537644

[mopinko]

8. i did.

they were much fun.

that's why i cant quit this place.

[The Magistrate]

4. It's A Favorite Of Mine, Ma'am

Guy comes into a bar with an octopus under his arm and sets it down on the bar-top. Bartender wants to know what this is all about, and the guy says, this octopus is incredible, he can play any musical instrument, any one at all.

Somebody produces a xylophone, and the octopus rubs his tentacles all over it a while, then picks up the hammer with one tentacle and bangs out a nice tune.

Somebody hands up a guitar, and it's the same thing. The octopus runs its tentacles all over the thing, and soon he's strumming out some choice chords with a decent rhythm.

A guy puts a bagpipe up on the bar, and again the octopus starts running its tentacles all over the thing, and keeps it up quite a while. Finally the bartender says, aren't you going to play it?

Play it? says the octopus. If I can figure out to get it undressed I'm gonna fuck it.

[LakeArenal]

5. This is a favorite :

Did you hear Mickey and Minnie Mouse are getting a divorce?

His lawyer says to him, “Mickey, I hear you are divorcing Minnie because she is insane.”

Mickey: “I didn’t say Minnie is insane!
I said she’s fucking Goofy.”

[Wounded Bear]

13. Ok, that got a chuckle...

[Kali]

6. here?

I don't see any hides

[mopinko]

7. no hides. 1 here, 1 on fb.

other person should have gotten the hide, but the insults were buried in a shit storm.

the fb 1 was a relative who made a simple plea about masks and shots and got the full bs from a friend of the fam. i dont actually know the person, just who they are.
i got pretty testy. i feel bad when i do that on someone else's page, but.....

[Tadpole Raisin]

9. Can't think of one now

That’s probably a good thing. So here is a short stand up routine although you may end up just confused.

[mopinko]

10. love him. you may think my socks dont match,

but that's cuz i go by thickness.
words to live by.

[Tadpole Raisin]

11. Haha! That's good!

Now the only only ones I remember (not in the video)

SW: I saw a very small spaceship land and when the alien came out I said ‘Are you really that small?’ and he said ‘No, I’m just very far away.’

I bought powdered water today. I don’t know what to add to it.

[Jim G.]

17. Two Of My Favorites From Him...

"I bought some dehydrated water. I didn't know what to add."

"I got a dog. I named him Stay. When I call him he doesn't know what to do. Come here, Stay, Come here, Stay."

[mopinko]

18. i honestly feel that way about socks.

i collect them, and i end up w a lot of odd socks.

[Harker]

12. Seamus and Padraig are talking things over...

Seamus, feeling a bit poorly, says, "Padraig, me friend, when I die will ye pour a pint o good Irish whiskey oer me grave?"

Padraig, a sudden gleam in his eye, responds, "'tis the least I could do for me best o friends... o course I will! "Surely", he added, "ye'll not mind me passin it trough me body first?"

[mopinko]

16. an irish dad joke.

my da's joke-
2 little boys are standing on the corner w a box of puppies. 3 cute little pups.
a fellow stops to chat, and asks the boys- do the pups have names?

yes, says the boy. this one is mike, this one is pat, and this one is paderewski?

paderewski? why?

cuz he's the piantist.

[First Speaker]

14. All right. Once upon a time in Ireland, when there were Troubles going on...

...and of course, there have always been Troubles there, so this might be any time...two farmers, finally having had enough, decided to kill their landlord. So one evening they waited at a spot they knew he'd pass by to waylay him. The normal time came for the landlord to pass by, but no sign of him. They waited a little longer, and still no landlord. Finally, one of the farmers sighed.
"Faith and begorrah," he said, "I hope nothing's happened to the fine gentleman."

[Hotler]

15. The difference between a peeping Tom and a pick pocket is.....

one snatches watches........