HomeLatest ThreadsGreatest ThreadsForums & GroupsMy SubscriptionsMy Posts
DU Home » Latest Threads » Forums & Groups » Main » The DU Lounge (Forum) » In mourning again, still....

Sun Sep 19, 2021, 04:21 PM

In mourning again, still...

I've posted before in other lesser forums, Bereavement and Chronic Health Problems about the ambivalent emotions (grief/anger/political opinions on so many issues) as well as General Discussion I have recently and not so recently encountered since May. Well, my 92 year old mother passed May 29 of this year following two strokes; today I received word that my brother died this morning while in hospice care - nothing to be done with a combination of advanced non-alcoholic liver disease, and pancreatic cancer with DM, treatment of either of which would negatively impact any hope of extended time. He had been mom's caretaker having never left home and I'd imagined he had also helped her through caring for my dad. Having been estranged from my FOO for almost 30 years made for many years of mourning their "pseudo-deaths." I was able to attend my mom's funeral such as it was (graveside service aborted by severe storm); and true to the prognosis, now my brother's. I feel a deep and tragic loss because brother and I had become reconciled, had visited, and spoke by phone last just a couple days ago but am having a harder time renewing a relationship with my sister who handled final arrangements as best as possible and will handle this funeral as well. In these days of so many hospitalizations and deaths, vaccinated and obstinately not vaccinated, neither fell victim to that disease as far as I know. I don't know how everything will eventually shake out as those remaining left our childhoods behind on very different paths...and we don't know each other or each other's families very well. I want to thank you all for being kind in providing so much civility, care, and a safe place to learn, laugh, and share for each other and for me!

29 replies, 2022 views

Reply to this thread

Back to top Alert abuse

Always highlight: 10 newest replies | Replies posted after I mark a forum
Replies to this discussion thread
Arrow 29 replies Author Time Post
Reply In mourning again, still... (Original post)
Backseat Driver Sep 2021 OP
leftieNanner Sep 2021 #1
GPV Sep 2021 #2
CaliforniaPeggy Sep 2021 #3
NNadir Sep 2021 #4
Backseat Driver Sep 2021 #28
calimary Sep 2021 #5
Backseat Driver Sep 2021 #29
Skittles Sep 2021 #6
SheltieLover Sep 2021 #14
Skittles Sep 2021 #16
SheltieLover Sep 2021 #18
Backseat Driver Sep 2021 #26
Backseat Driver Sep 2021 #24
Karadeniz Sep 2021 #7
Chin music Sep 2021 #8
The Polack MSgt Sep 2021 #9
alwaysinasnit Sep 2021 #10
ancianita Sep 2021 #11
duhneece Sep 2021 #12
bucolic_frolic Sep 2021 #13
SheltieLover Sep 2021 #15
XanaDUer2 Sep 2021 #17
brer cat Sep 2021 #19
FakeNoose Sep 2021 #20
lunatica Sep 2021 #21
Backseat Driver Sep 2021 #25
Not Heidi Sep 2021 #22
Not Heidi Sep 2021 #23
Backseat Driver Sep 2021 #27

Response to Backseat Driver (Original post)

Sun Sep 19, 2021, 04:24 PM

1. My condolences for your many losses BD

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Backseat Driver (Original post)

Sun Sep 19, 2021, 04:25 PM

2. I'm so sorry

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Backseat Driver (Original post)

Sun Sep 19, 2021, 04:30 PM

3. You've really been through it, my dear Backseat Driver...and it's hard.

I am so sorry.

Do vent all you want; maybe it'll help. And remember, there is nearly always someone here.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Backseat Driver (Original post)

Sun Sep 19, 2021, 05:56 PM

4. That's very tough.

I have a brother from whom I'm estranged. I don't know how I'd feel if I learned he died, but I'm not likely to learn of it if it happens or happened.

Still, I'm happy for you that you were able to make contact with him before he died, and that you valued him and he you.

Deep condolences.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to NNadir (Reply #4)

Mon Sep 20, 2021, 05:01 AM

28. Thanks so much...

BTW, I once lived in a 10-mile zone. I wasn't freaked out by that, but I was freaked out by the cardboard sign I was instructed to be sure to post in my front window upon evacuation and could never throw away, passing it to any other that would someday have that address. So weird! Left it on the workbench, I'm the obedient kind, hahaha. The marks on the Katrina homes, after the fact, reminded me of that sign and possible future destruction/survivor search. Katrina was worse! As was the photos of Andrew in Florida. We also traveled right by the 3-Mile Island incident while PG with #1 kid; no sweat!

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Backseat Driver (Original post)

Sun Sep 19, 2021, 06:21 PM

5. Glad you found your way here.

World-class thinkers and writers, much sympathy, empathy, and compassion. Even when we’ve never met face-to-face, we all are friends here.

VERY helpful and much-needed at a time like this. I know that from personal experience. As DUer Skittles once put it, “someone’s always here.” Even just knowing that is comforting.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to calimary (Reply #5)

Mon Sep 20, 2021, 05:05 AM

29. Yes, thanks...

I've become a regular "Name of the Rose" heretic as I lick the texts. DUer's also have the best humor as a coping mechanism. Love you all!

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Backseat Driver (Original post)

Sun Sep 19, 2021, 06:23 PM

6. very sorry, Backseat Driver

my younger brother died in hospice out of state in May, and I was never able to visit him due to Covid.....as if the virus wasn't enough to deal with

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Skittles (Reply #6)

Sun Sep 19, 2021, 07:02 PM

14. Deepest condolences

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to SheltieLover (Reply #14)

Sun Sep 19, 2021, 07:13 PM

16. thanks

I Skype-called him but he was severely autistic and seemed confused; I was never certain he knew who I was.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Skittles (Reply #16)

Sun Sep 19, 2021, 07:15 PM

18. I'm sure he knew, even if his recognition wasn't evident.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Skittles (Reply #16)

Mon Sep 20, 2021, 04:41 AM

26. I hear you. Bro had trouble using a cell phone; I'm pretty sure there

was some hepatic encephalopathy going on or metastasis. How do you have a successful career without cell phone use; he had a patent for Pete's sake. When you go into hospice, there's very little to no new diagnoses or treatments happening; vitals and pain comfort according to the patient's Advanced Directives.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Skittles (Reply #6)

Mon Sep 20, 2021, 04:11 AM

24. He'd call and let me know that he'd puked that day. We

made light of how as children we used a kitchen Revereware pot if we couldn't get to the single bathroom in the house - he was very skinny and weak - skin and bones, really. We visited twice; he was OOT; last time we spoke and reminisced, small and light talk really, several days ago he'd been sick and asked for pain medication as well - I guess he was preparing me - DH and I were married on his birthday in November and he was a 15 year old groomsman the others had to hurriedly teach how to wear tux and formal shirt while watching the OSU-Mich game...such a baby brother - I feel so sad...and how the years go by. Thanks and comfort to you too, Skittles.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Backseat Driver (Original post)

Sun Sep 19, 2021, 06:38 PM

7. Deepest sympathies. But, take care of yourself throughout these bad times.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Backseat Driver (Original post)


Response to Backseat Driver (Original post)

Sun Sep 19, 2021, 06:43 PM

9. I feel for you BD, and I wish you peace as you come to terms with this




Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Backseat Driver (Original post)

Sun Sep 19, 2021, 06:51 PM

10. ...

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Backseat Driver (Original post)

Sun Sep 19, 2021, 06:55 PM

11. Take care, BD. We're here and not going anywhere.

I'm sorry for your loss. Sometimes the distance and time are too great to heal everything. (I have an estranged brother situation and probably wouldn't hear if anything happened to him. )

Just know that we're grateful you're here.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Backseat Driver (Original post)

Sun Sep 19, 2021, 06:55 PM

12. DU always has a light on, an offer of a cup of coffee

Or something stronger. We share similar stories of estrangement between/among siblings and families. Hugs to you.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Backseat Driver (Original post)

Sun Sep 19, 2021, 06:56 PM

13. I hear ya, and I sympathize with you

You have my condolences and hopeful thoughts. I spend a lot of time sorting through the reasons, decisions, personalities that led to this or that in life's path. It's not a pretty picture. Most troublesome to me is there's no one who understands and that doesn't make any difference either. So I drive the bus and try to focus on positive things and improve outcomes. What else is there?

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Backseat Driver (Original post)

Sun Sep 19, 2021, 07:07 PM

15. So sorry for your losses

I'm glad for you that youb& your brother were able to reconnect, even on the phone.

Please take good care of yourself and, as others have said, someone is always here.



Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Backseat Driver (Original post)

Sun Sep 19, 2021, 07:15 PM

17. My condolences nt

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Backseat Driver (Original post)

Sun Sep 19, 2021, 08:03 PM

19. I'm very sorry for your losses, BD.

Take care of yourself during this time of mourning.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Backseat Driver (Original post)

Sun Sep 19, 2021, 11:50 PM

20. Sorry to hear this, my friend



Condolences for your brother. May he Rest In Peace.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Backseat Driver (Original post)

Mon Sep 20, 2021, 12:44 AM

21. Hugs to you Backseat Driver



I hope you can reconcile with the rest of your family. Maybe if you tell them what you wrote to us it will be a good way. I know it would grab my attention. I lost my mother and my son. I never stopped mourning and probably never will.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to lunatica (Reply #21)

Mon Sep 20, 2021, 04:33 AM

25. My mom had asked me to "never speak to her again."

I gave her time to consider and she said yes, that's what she wanted - I told her to have a good life; I guess 92 years was sufficient. I can only imagine conversations because none of the rest ever called me just to talk until their last illnesses. Like Dr. Laura, I could not find my "better angel" back then. Folks crucified Dr. Laura, but I'm no psychologist. It was a long time before I could re-frame and heal 90% from the toxic cruelties/double messages she spewed, but I got all kinds of counseling and eventually came to the conclusion about how her childhood traumas must have shaped her fundamentalist black-and-white thinking over being a nurturing mom. I'm not a perfect person either; she was clearly disappointed in her daughter and grandchildren. My siblings, brother and sister, and I took early leave on very different pathways.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Backseat Driver (Original post)


Response to Backseat Driver (Original post)

Mon Sep 20, 2021, 12:51 AM

23. I'm very sorry, BD

🫂 ♥️

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Not Heidi (Reply #23)

Mon Sep 20, 2021, 04:44 AM

27. Thank you and welcome to DU!

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink

Reply to this thread