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MARY: How's the room? JOSEPH: Um ... rustic. (An oldie, but a goodie)
Link to tweet
Unrolled thread here
https://threadreaderapp.com/thread/1076511104170369024.html
MARY: How's the room?
JOSEPH: Um ... rustic.
MARY: It's clean, though?
JOSEPH: Well, it's not immaculate. (To self) But then who is.
MARY: Hm?
JOSEPH: Nothing.
MARY: A BARN?
JOSEPH: A bungalow.
MARY: A STABLE?
JOSEPH: A cabin.
MARY: THAT... IS AN OXEN.
JOSEPH: "Ox." There's just one.
[MOO]
JOSEPH: Nope two sorry my bad
MARY: You didn't call ahead?
JOSEPH: Yeah about that see I sort of figured the omnipotent being whose son you're carrying might you know HANDLE THE LOGISTICS
ANGEL: Need anything? A tiny bottled water?
MARY (weakly): I'm.. ok. Just - just this splitting headache and-
ANGEL: Great (into phone) send in the kid with the drum.
MARY: What.
MELCHIOR: Gold!
MARY: Uh-huh.
BALTHAZAR: Frankincense!
MARY: Yep.
CASPAR: Myrrh!
MARY: Got it thanks.
TRISH: Bath beads!
MARY: OOOH AWESOME
SHEPHERD: Nice manger.
JOSEPH: I'm gonna rip these walls out, re-wire it.
S: Gonna make it all CCXX?
J: ... CCXX, CCXXI, whatever it takes.
ANGEL: He's here! He’s here!
MARY: What?
GOD: Hey girl
JOSEPH: Oh fer-
GOD: So uh ... Is that him? The kid?
JOSEPH: Are you KIDDING me.
MARY: Sh, Joe. .... Yes.
JOSEPH: "Is that him?" Seriously? All-knowing much?
MARY: Joseph!
JOSEPH: Mary. Come on. The child. Is. GLOWING. "Is that him"!
MARY: Go see if a room opened up, Joe.
GOD: Yeah, do that.
JOSEPH: I'M STAYI-(poof)
GOD: He's got your eyes, M.
MARY: And your-
GOD: Beatitude? Ineffable perfection?
MARY: See I was going to say feet. But sure ok.
GOD: ...
MARY: ... Also he glows, so.
GOD: No yep that too sure
INNKEEPER: Hey Joseph once again sorry we were overbooked last night but I got a suite that just opened up and hold up wait WHO ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE
JOSEPH: Oh, they're not staying with us. They're passing through. THEY’RE PASSING THROUGH, RIGHT GUYS?
SHEPHERD #3: I dunno. Nicer'n our lean-to.
INNKEEPER: there are fire codes
WAITER: Room service.
JOSEPH: Hi.
WAITER: Where can I put it?
JOSEPH: In the manger.
WAITER: ...
JOSEPH: (sighs) Why does nobody know what a manger — The TROUGH.
WAITER: Got it. So uh like ATOP the glowing baby, or...
SHEPHERD #2: Your majesty?
CASPAR: Yes?
SHEPHERD #2: You brought the myrrh, right? The ointment?
CASPAR: I did.
SHEPHERD #2: Could my friends and I have a little? Just a dab or two? It’s just we’re shepherds, see, and we’re sore afraid.
JOSEPH: Out.
JOSEPH: Ok shepherds don’t mind me I’m just gonna spray some of this frankincense around the place freshen it up a bit right ha ha then I thought I’d pop out for some supplies can I get you guys anything like toothbrushes or
MARY: Joe, do you think we could maybe ... ask everyone to leave, already?
DRUMMER BOY: [pa rum pa pun pum!]
MARY: Like especially him? Painfully?
JOSEPH: I got you boo.
GUYS GUYS GUYS.
WE APPRECIATE THE MAZEL TOVS, BUT THE LINE BETWEEN PAYING RESPECTS AND SQUATTING?
IT.
HAS.
BEEN.
CROSSED.
MELCHIOR: But we ... we followed a star!
JOSEPH: Stars are fixed. You “followed” a comet
Maybe a planet.
But whatever. Anyway all of this happened in mid-summer. We’re all just pretending it’s December because in the third century the pagan ritual of Yule will get co-opt-
INNKEEPER: Did you enjoy your stay with us?
JOSEPH: ... what.
INNKEEPER: Great! One night, your bill comes to 20 denarii.
J: ... oh I don't THINK so.
INNKEEPER: No wait, you're right; I'm wrong.
J: Damn right. I mean it's a BARN.
INNKEEPER: With breakfast, 22 denarii.
(One month later)
JOSEPH: Oh, fer -
MARY: What is it?
JOSEPH: It’s from that dump we stayed in in Bethlehem. “Please rate our service.”
MARY: Let it go, Joe.
JOSEPH: (cracks knuckles)
MARY: Joe.
JOSEPH: Mary. Fleas, I’d let go. Bedbugs, even.
MARY: This again.
JOSEPH: NOT ANTHRAX
MARY: It’s not a big deal. You’re fine. I’m fine. Let it go.
JOSEPH. The only reason we’re fine is we could rub our magic glowing baby on each other.
MARY: I know.
JOSEPH: Otherwise we’d be dead.
MARY: Uh huh.
JOSEPH: That’s worth knocking off a Michelin star, don’t you think?
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