Walks into a bar jokes thread

[red dog 1]

A man walks into a bar. As he sits down he looks up and notices three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.
He asks the bartender "What's with the meat?"
The bartender says, "if you can jump up and slap all three pieces at once, you get free drinks for an hour.
If you miss even one, you have to pay for everyone else's drinks for the rest of the night. Wanna give it a go?"
The man takes another look at the meat, then says, "I think I'll pass. The steaks are too high."

[Enter stage left]

1. A man walks into a bar...

"Damn", he says, rubbing his forehead.

[Mr.Bill]

2. A Priest, a Rabbi and a Buddhist Monk walk into a bar,

The bartender says "What is this, a joke?"

[Abolishinist]

4. A priest, a monk, and a rabbi walk into a bar.

They get to talking and drinking, and they start arguing over who's the best at converting followers. One says "I bet I could even convert a BEAR!" and they all agree to try to convert a bear.

The next day, the priest says "I sprinkled a bear with holy water and it dropped to its knees in prayer!"

The monk says "I wrestled a bear to the water and baptized him! He became docile as a lamb!"

The rabbi is covered in deep, bloody scratches and mumbles "In retrospect, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

[AKwannabe]

51. Hahahahahaha!

Lol
Rotfl

Howling! In fact.

Circumcision…

[Harker]

26. My favorite. n/t

[SeattleVet]

3. Two nuns walk into a bar...

the third one ducked.

[DBoon]

5. A Rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder

The bartender asks, "Hey where did you get that creature?"

The frog answers, "In Brooklyn. There are lots of them there"

[rpannier]

6. Three monkeys walk into a bar

the fourth one ducks

[edbermac]

7. A horse walks into a bar...

The bartender asks what he’d like. The horse doesn’t reply because it’s a horse and obviously can’t speak or understand English. Several people get up and leave, sensing the danger in having a live animal in a bar.

[Codifer]

68. Bartender shoud have

been sensitive enough to ask:

"Why the long face?"

[Permanut]

8. Two guys LEAVING a bar .

Just then a bird flies over and first guy gets nailed on the head with bird poop

Second guy, very sympathetic, says " Hey man, that's awful! Wait right here and I'll go back in and get some toilet paper".

First guy says "Don't be silly, that bird's probably a mile away by now".

[markodochartaigh]

9. From Prairie Home Companion

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm positive."

[ShazzieB]

12. A neutron walks into a bar.

He asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender says, "For you, no charge."

[Nululu]

10. A priest, a lawyer and a doctor walk into a bar

Before passing away, a friend of theirs wanted to take his wealth with him after he died. He handed each a bag with $100,000.00 cash. Their rich friend instructed them to throw the money into his coffin before he was buried.

They attended his funeral, tossing their bags into his coffin just before the lid was closed and locked.

They met at a bar after the funeral. The priest said, "I have a small confession to make. I put some money in our roof fund but I believe he would've approved of that. "

The doctor said, "Well, I also have a confession. I used some of the money pay for an operation a child needed but couldn't afford."

The lawyer looked at his friends in outrage. "Our friend depended on us to act in good faith. You broke your word. I'm shocked at you. I'll have you know the check I wrote was perfectly good!"

[Hamlette]

11. two men walk out of a bar

both are very drunk. They see a dog lying on the sidewalk licking his balls. One guys says to the other "I wish I could do that". The other guy says "don't you think you ought to pet him first?"

[BigOleDummy]

13. Keep em coming!

Some hilarious response so far!

[tecelote]

14. An Englisman, an American and an Australian walk into a bar and order beers.

Just as they were about to take a drink, a fly flew into each of their beer.

The Englishman pushed his beer forward and said, "Barkeep, another beer, please."

The American laughed, pulled the fly out, and took a giant slug of beer.

The Australian also pulled the fly out but began to shake it, yelling, "Put it back, put it back!".

[piddyprints]

15. Descartes walks into a bar.

Bartender asks, “Can I get you something?”

Descartes says, “I think not.” And, *poof*, he disappears.

[Lucid Dreamer]

22. A horse walks into a bar...

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer.

The bartender says. "You come in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"

The horse says, "I don't think I am," and immediately vanishes from existence.

This joke is about the famous Descatres theorem, "I think, therefore I am."

I thought about putting that part at the beginning, but that would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

[Niagara]

16. A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink.

As he sits there, thinking about his day, he hears a high-pitched voice say:

That shirt looks great on you!

The man looks around, sees nothing, and returns to his drink, thinking nothing more of it.

But then, a moment later, the voice returns, this time offering:

You seem like a really cool guy!

Again, the man looks around, sees nothing, and returns to his drink, wondering if he should get checked out by a professional. Finally, when his nerves have cooled, and he believes the voice is gone, he hears:

I bet your parents are really proud of you!

He slams down his drink and looks around wildly. Frustrated and finding no possible source of the voice, he calls over the bartender. He says:

Hey barkeep! What’s that voice I keep hearing?

The bartender replies, "Oh, those are the peanuts, they’re complimentary."

[usonian]

17. A Jewish man and a black man walk into a bar in Georgia

The bartender asks them:

"What will it be, SENATORS?"

[AKwannabe]

52. Thread winner!

DUzzzzzy!

[soldierant]

69. That gave me a BIG smile.

[usonian]

71. This and one more picture warm my heart ❤️

Two glimpses of America the Beautiful.

[Wounded Bear]

18. A magician walked down the street and turned into a bar...

[North Shore Chicago]

19. Past, Future and Present

walk into a bar.


It was tense!

[Drum]

20. Inspired by yours, I found something I harvested from the Web a year ago:

Grammar walks into a bar…

- The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

- A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

- A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

- A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

- An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

- Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

- A question mark walks into a bar?

- A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

- A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

- Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

- A synonym strolls into a tavern.

- At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

- A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

- An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

- The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

- A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

- A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

- A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

[ProfessorGAC]

25. Those Were Hilarious!

I especially liked the one about the malapropism.

[North Shore Chicago]

27. Awesome!

[NNadir]

38. Those were great!

[Prairie_Seagull]

21. Hitler, Putin and TFG walk into a bar.............nt

[AKwannabe]

53. And I kicked the living shit outta them all!

And 86d them too!

[LuckyCharms]

23. A pony walks into a bar

and takes a seat at the bar.

The pony begins to state his drink order.

The bartender puts his hand up and interrupts the pony.

Bartender, while looking visibly shaken, says to the pony, "Ex..Ex...Excuse me. I'll be right back"

Bartender runs back into the kitchen and yells out to the kitchen employees:

"Holy shit guys. Come out and take a look at this. There's a pony sitting at the bar, and he's hung like a fucking horse"!

[Sogo]

24. In 2022, Tom Brady, Patrick Mahomes, and Aaron Rodgers walked into a bar

....to WATCH Superbowl 56....

[red dog 1]

28. An amnesiac walks into a bar,

He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, "So, do I come here often?"

[Marthe48]

29. A drunk staggers out of a bar

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says,”I’m Jesus Christ.”

The first priest says, ”No, son, you’re not.” So the drunk says it to the second priest.

The second priest says, ”No, son, you’re not.”

The drunk says, ”Look, I can prove it.” He walks back into the bar with the two priests.

The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, ”Jesus Christ, you’re here again?”

[red dog 1]

35. Ha!

[Marthe48]

30. A guy walks into a bar

A man goes into a bar and says, ”Give me a drink before the trouble starts.” And the bartender pours him a drink.

He drinks it and says, “Give me another drink before the trouble starts.” He downs that one and says,” Quick, give me another drink before the trouble starts.”

Finally, the bartender asks, “Just when is this trouble going to start?” The man says, “The trouble starts just as soon as I tell you that I don’t have any money.”

[red dog 1]

33. Good one!

[Marthe48]

31. A young Texan walks into a bar

“A young Texan walks into a bar and orders a drink from the bartender.

“”Got any ID?”” asks the bartender.

The Texan replies, “”About what?””

[First Speaker]

32. Mohammed, Jesus and Buddha walk into a bar...

...Mohammed says, "no booze for me, of course! I'll have a water." Jesus ponders a moment and says, "water for me, too. I need the exercise." Buddha considers and says, "I guess I'll have a water, as well. But do I want the glass half-full or half-empty?"

[red dog 1]

34. The Bartender says, "We don't serve time travelers in here"

A time traveler walks into a bar.

[red dog 1]

36. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry sir. We don't serve food here."

[lpbk2713]

37. A horse walks into a bar.

Bartender says "so why the long face?"

[Roland99]

39. Two fonts walk into a bar

Bartender says, “We don’t serve your type.”

[Lucid Dreamer]

40. The Beach Boys walk into a bar

The Beach Boys walk into a bar
“Round?”
“Round?”
“Get a round”
“I get a round?”
“Get a round....”

[red dog 1]

44. "I got the last round!"

[Lucid Dreamer]

41. Two men walk into a bar

Two men walk into a bar.

One man orders H2O.

The other says, “I’ll have H2O too.”

The second man dies.

[Lucid Dreamer]

42. Two chemists walk into a bar

Two chemists walk into a bar.

The first one says, “I’ll have some H2O.”

The second says, “I’ll have some water too. But why’d you order it like that? We aren’t at work.”

The first chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom.

His assassination plot had failed.

[Marthe48]

67. lol

[Lucid Dreamer]

43. Two scientists walk into a bar

Two scientists walk into a bar

The first one says “I’ll have some H2O.”

The second one says, “I’ll have some H2O too.”

The bartender pours them both hydrogen peroxide because he’s tired of their bullshit every day.

[ggma]

79. Excellent!!

gg

[red dog 1]

45. Two jumper cables walk into a bar.

One of them says, "We'd like a couple of beers, please."
The bartender says, "OK, but don't start anything!"

[keroro gunsou]

46. A rabbi and a baptist minister...

Walk into a bar… the Irish priest who tagging along, ducked under.

[red dog 1]

47. A Canadian, a Texan, and a MAGA Republican walk into a bar,

The bartender says, "What'll it be, Senator Cruz?"

[red dog 1]

48. A woman and a duck walk into a bar,

The Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?"
The woman says, "That's not a pig, that's a duck"
The bartender says, "I was talking to the duck"

[AKwannabe]

54. Not cool

Not at all…

[red dog 1]

55. It's an old joke

"'Coolness' like beauty is in the eye of the beholder."

[AKwannabe]

58. locker room joke? Those are REAL old!

Kk

I get you now.

[AKwannabe]

59. What I MEAN to say is

Maybe you like animals better than women if ya tell THAT joke. 🙄🙄🙄

[A HERETIC I AM]

66. Why would you bust someone's chops...

About a joke,,,,,,,


ON A JOKE THREAD ?!?!?!?!?!

I mean…seriously ?


Why?

I T ‘ S


A


F U C K I N G

J. O. K. E.

JESUS HORNBLOWER CHRIST, not everything is put up with the sole intention of offending YOU.

[willamette]

93. Actually, it is offensive to lots of us

Actually, it is offensive to lots of us here on DU. Maybe as many as half of the readers. It just gets so tiresome trying to get the various oblivious posters to realize that they are perpetrators, particularly because of the fierce backlash against saying it out loud. The image dump posts are generally enjoyable, but they also usually contain one or two misogamist images, in with the good stuff. Point it out every time? Get dumped on by the purposefully unseeing? When the comments already say, "Thanks for all these great images," maybe not. By the by, anyone who happens to read this .... just because some of the most obnoxious US Representatives are women, it is not OK to use Old Joke ( "Take my wife, please" ) keep-women-in-their-(defined by non-women)-place memes, tropes, or jokes, if you care a fig about insulting half, or so, of the readers. Do you care, fellow heretic?

[JoseBalow]

91. A drunken farmer stumbles upstairs into his bedroom, waking his wife.

She sits up and see him standing there, holding a sheep under his arm.
The farmer yells, "this is the pig I've been fucking."
The wife says, "you idiot, that's not a pig. It's a sheep."
The farmer yells, "shut up, I was talking to the sheep."

[red dog 1]

49. A weasel walks into a bar.

"You look underage," says the bartender.
"I'll have a pop," goes the weasel.

[red dog 1]

50. A young man is passing by a bar when he sees an old woman

fishing with a stick and a string in a puddle by the sidewalk.
"She must be a poor old fool," he thinks to himself, and out of the kindness of his heart, he invites the woman in for a drink.
After he's paid for their round and the two are sitting quietly he asks her, "So how many have you caught today?"
The old woman grins, takes a big sip of her drink, and replies, "You're the eighth."

[CrispyQ]

56. This was my favorite pandemic joke.

A scientist, an epidemiologist, & an ER doctor walk into a bar.

Of course they didn't! They know better!

[Paladin]

57. Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar.

The bartender takes one look at her and says "Hey, why the long face?"


(The end.)

[red dog 1]

60. A corn stalk walks into a bar,

The bartender says, "Want to hear a joke?"
The corn stalk replies,
I'm all ears!"

[red dog 1]

61. A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar.

He came, he saw, he conquered.

[red dog 1]

62. A roll of duct tape walks into a bar,

the bartender says "What can I get you?"
The duct tape replies "I'll stick to my usual."

[red dog 1]

63. A baseball walks into a bar and the bartender throws him out.

[jcgoldie]

64. a duck walks into a bar

... and he hops across the foyer and hops up on the barstool. The bartender, he’s polishing glasses and stuff. The duck says, “Got any flies?”

The bartender says, “We don’t serve flies. We also don’t serve ducks, so you gotta leave.”

So, the duck leaves but comes back twenty minutes later or so and hops up on the barstool. The bartender turns around.

“Got any flies?”

The bartender says, “No! We don’t serve flies. We don’t serve ducks. Get out!”

The duck goes away, comes back, and hops up on the barstool.

The bartender turns around. “You again!”

“Got any flies?”

“No! You come back in here one more time, and I’m going to nail your fucking beak to the bar. You got that? Get out of here.”

The duck goes away, comes back twenty minutes later and hops back up on the barstool.

“You again!”

“Got any nails?”

“No!”

“Got any flies?”

( Bobby Weir joke )

[red dog 1]

70. Yeah, it's an old joke, and there are different versions of it.

[Brother Buzz]

75. Yo-Yo Man (Tom Smothers) was a vintner and lives in wine country so the duck asked for grapes

[A HERETIC I AM]

65. Is a "Guy leaves a bar" joke OK? Old Dave Allen bit;

You have to hear this in your head in the voice of the late, great Dave Allen. If you don’t know who that is, go to YouTube and search. You won’t be disappointed.

Fella leaves the pub like he does every night, but this one was “a nasty night”….dark, stormy, rainy and all.

So instead of taking a left and walking home that way, he goes right and takes a shortcut through the cemetery. He’s wandering through the headstones and comes upon a grave freshly dug for a burial in the morning.

He falls in.

He tries to climb out and he sliiiiides back in.

He tries again, scratching and climbing up the muddy walls and sliiiiides back in.

Once again and again he tries and slides back in.

Sitting in the far corner is another fella who left the pub twenty minutes before and fell into the same grave.

After watching this fella try and try, he stands up, taps the guy on the shoulder and says…

“You’ll never get out.”

He Did!

[red dog 1]

72. A guy walks out of a bar on the Moon complaining,

"The drinks were OK but there was no atmosphere"

[red dog 1]

73. A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.

Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.
When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.

"Alright I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas!
And I don't like to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
The man true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go...What happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

[CelticCrow]

74. A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.”

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he’s in the bar again and he has his monkey with him.

He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.

He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted.

“Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks.

“Now what?”, responds the patron.

“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!”

[red dog 1]

77. Good one!

Welcome to DU!

[littlemissmartypants]

86. Snort...

[justaprogressive]

76. Bloody Good!

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."
The second one says, "I'll have one, too."
The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."
The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"


Two friends are walking their dogs together. One has a big black lab, while the other has a minuscule chihuahua. They pass a bar and the lab owner says, “Let’s get a beer.”

The chihuahua walker complains, “That would be great, but we can’t take our dogs in there.” The first responds, “Watch me.” The lab owner strolls in with her dog and orders a beer. The bartender tells her, “Sorry, you can’t bring your dog in here.” “He’s my seeing-eye dog,” the woman replies, feigning offense. The bartender quickly apologizes and serves her the beer. The other woman follows, her chihuahua in tow, and orders a beer as well. Again the bartender says there are no dogs allowed in the bar. “He’s my seeing-eye dog,” the woman replies. “Yeah, right,” the bartender says, “A chihuahua? Give me a break.” Without missing a beat, the woman replies, “They gave me a chihuahua?!”

[Marthe48]

78. lol

[littlemissmartypants]

87. Hahaha!

[red dog 1]

81. A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.

A minute later he hears, "You look great, have you lost weight?" he looks around, but there's no one near.
Again, a minute later he hears, "You know, you don't look a day over 30."
Looks around again, no one but him and the bartender, so he asks, "Did you hear that?"
The bartender says, "It's the peanuts. They're complimentary."

[milestogo]

82. Jesus walks into a bar and puts 3 nails down on the counter

Says to the bartender "Say, can you put me up for the night?"

[Marthe48]

84. Jesus walks into a bar

Leaves the door open behind him. Somebody yells, "You born in a barn?"

[red dog 1]

83. Self-Deleted

Last edited Sun Oct 22, 2023, 03:36 PM - Edit history (1)

[spike jones]

85. A termite walks into a bar and asks, 'Is the bartender?"n/t

[littlemissmartypants]

88. Thank you. ❤️

[red dog 1]

89. You're welcome

I posted a new "Walks into a Bar Joke" thread yesterday.

(You Rock Too)

[littlemissmartypants]

90. Awweee! That's so nice of you to say. Made my day. ❤️

[JoseBalow]

92. An Irishman walks out of a bar.