Critique My Dating Profile

[Rizen]

I'm autistic and not very good at reading people or knowing what they want. I have been sending messages to women on dating sites but not having luck with responses. I was wondering what I'm doing wrong. My messages go something like "Hi, how are you? I also like_______, _____, and _________ (based on her interests). What do you like to do for fun?"

This is what my profile says:


Hi, I'm _______. I live in Boulder, so of course I like go on hikes. For fun I also enjoy museums, zoos, board games, restaurants and so on.

I'm a caregiver to the elderly and am working on publishing a book while writing its sequel. I love world building and am looking for someone to share creative activities with. I also sketch, paint and work on photoshop and illustration programs. I'm always learning and doing research for my projects. I especially like to learn about physics. In my spare time I watch Netflix, read, write and play video games.

I eat right, exercise and take care of myself. I've lost and kept off 75lbs. That's not to say I don't have a sweet tooth for chocolate though. Life's a balancing act.

I'm looking for someone smart and creative. Someone to push me to do more and experience the world. A Democrat. Additional points if you have your own fur babies.

[msongs]

1. maybe too much information for a first contact nt

[Rizen]

4. I trimmed the fat.

[quaint]

2. "Additional points if you have your own fur babies."

[Rizen]

3. I cut that.

It's stupid that men who have cats are less desirable.

[quaint]

10. Men who have cats are cool, like women who have cats.

How many points does someone need to be a desired companion?
That inference would be a big red light for me.

[Hugh_Lebowski]

5. Single most important thing ... find the very best picture of you that's reasonably recent

And make that the main pic that people see. Ask friends (preferably female) if you're not sure what's a good pic of you.

I'd probably leave out the caregiver part. The book publishing part is good.

World building is vague and not something that many people are going to identify with.

I'd leave out that anything sounds needy like 'Someone to push me to do more'.

Playing video games is rarely a selling point, not that there are not women who also like them but better to bring that up later. Same kind of thing goes for physics.

Also letting on that you used to be really heavy ... is probably something to share later. For now, express it as something like 'I've been really into fitness and health' or along those lines.

You sound like a swell dude and everything, I'm sure we'd get along ... as a couple of dudes

[Rizen]

7. I trimmed a lot of that stuff out.

It's stupid that men are discriminated against for having traditionally female jobs like caregiver.

[Hugh_Lebowski]

8. Well I don't know what trimming you did, nor when.

You're asking what's the advice based on what you posted.

So I responded based on the info you provided.

[Rizen]

11. No, I mean I trimmed that stuff because of you.

[Skittles]

6. never say "not very good"

say something like, "I sometimes find reading people to be challenging"

do NOT mention previous attempts to contact women

[Hugh_Lebowski]

9. I believe that part is a preface, for us to read, not part of his profile (nt)

[Niagara]

12. Start with a decent profile photo and some humor.

For your photo, play around with angles, different type of lighting and no one wants to see a toilet or bare chest if you're taking the selfie in the bathroom. Be casual, dress nice in the photo and don't forget to smile. No duck faces, no weird eyebrow poses. A decent photo can take some time to achieve. Taking a decent photo is actually rocket science.



Use humor to attract that someone. Say something like "When nothing is going right, go left" or "just sitting here on the corner of awesome and fantastic." You don't have to use what I'm typing, just keep it positive and humorous.



If you're looking for a long-term relationship, say so.


Be mysterious. Keep your profile brief. Mention that you enjoy working out. Mention that you're employed full-time. Mention that you enjoy a decadent dessert here and there. Mention that you have an artistic flare.


The basic idea is to spark their interest and make them send you messages.


I suddenly realized that I feel like "Hitch" typing all this out.

[Rizen]

13. I have tried using a joke I made up but never with any success.

Q Why was the clam shy in the sauna?
A he had low shellfish-steam (self esteem)
Is that any good?

[Hugh_Lebowski]

15. As a dad joke, not too bad ...

Definitely not something to lead with though.

The approach of conveying that you read their profile with interest (but not too much, don't make it weird like you're psychologically profiling them or anything, just ... you read it and they sound cool) is generally well accepted ... partly because a lot of women just get endless 'thumbs up' from guys just interested in sex, who obviously didn't really read any of it, just looked at their pic, saw they were female, and tried to hit them up.

[Niagara]

16. That clam joke is funny.

But don't place jokes into your profile. Save the jokes for actual dating and texting.




The idea is to grab the reader's attention by saying something witty and making them want to contact you. Like perhaps "living in Boulder can be rocky sometimes." while displaying a photo you in the mountains or on a hiking trail.



It's not really a joke, it's simply a witty comment.

[Hugh_Lebowski]

14. +1

I've been on a dating site exactly 1 time, 1.5 years ago.

The first woman I contacted on the first site I ever posted on ... is sitting right here.

I would also add ... answer a ton of the 'matching' questions. I must've done 150-175 of them (this was on OKCupid). Mandy and I were a 97.3% match, so she came up first in my recommendations, so I sent her the first message I ever sent.

Have to say, those algorithms are pretty freaking good

[Niagara]

18. That's awesome. Congratulations, Hugh!

I've never used a dating site.


I always found my SO's when I wasn't looking for them and most of them I've already knew.

[Hugh_Lebowski]

17. Something else I want to say to you brother is that being autistic makes this sort of environment

really, really rough.

Dating websites are really (unfortunately) in so many ways a 'coolness' competition. I've known some people on the spectrum, and these are generally not the contests they excel in. It's not their forte, if you will.

Please don't beat yourself if you're not reaching the goal you'd hope for here. Don't take it to heart. Some people have certain social skills, and others do not. They have other valuable skills, but they don't carry weight in some social situations.

You might do better in other avenues than dating sites. Not saying don't try, but definitely don't let anyone or a general feeling of rejection hurt you my friend

[Niagara]

19. +1

Eloquently stated.

[debm55]

20. Wish you luck, Rizen. I meet my husband at a matchmaker. That was in 1978. We are still married and

in as much love as the day we married. I went through some that was just in it for the sex. As I looked through your Dating Profile you might to try to hook up with groups that meet your interests.==hiking, creative activities, writing , etc. Best of ;luck to you.

[highplainsdem]

22. Deb, I was writing my reply while you were posting yours. Judging by the

final sentences, we're on the same page.

[highplainsdem]

21. Consider this:

Hi, I'm _______. I live in Boulder, which is perfect for hiking, but I also appreciate what cities have to offer: museums, zoos, art galleries and concerts.

I'm working on self-publishing a book while writing its sequel. I love world building and am looking for someone to share creative activities with. I also sketch, paint and work on photoshop and illustration programs. Politically, I'm a liberal.

I eat right, exercise and take care of myself. That's not to say I don't enjoy good food and restaurants. Life's a balancing act.

Re the changes: I thought it best to move the mention of restaurants from the 1st to the 3rd paragraph, and delete the specific reference to chocolate and a sweet tooth.

And since it was obvious you like art, I added art galleries to the first paragraph, and took a wild guess that concerts might fit in there, too.

I changed publishing to self-publishing because I'm guessing that's more accurate, though if you have a book deal and are in the editing stage, that could be changed to "I'm close to having a book published, and I'm working on a sequel."

Anyway...free writing advice. Feel free to reject it.

FWIW, I have no experience with dating sites.

But they can be discouraging for a lot of people. Don't take it personally.

With your interest in books, you might want to search out groups of aspiring writers, or readers. Or local groups for people who love the board games you love, or the type of art you're most interested in. Easier to find kindred spirits there than on a dating site, and friendships can turn into romance.