For my 20K post, a few jokes......
There was a farmer who had a horse and a goat.
One day, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said: Well, your horse has a virus
He must take this medicine for three days
I'll come back on the 3rd day and if he's not better, we're going to have to put him down.
Nearby, the goat listened closely to their conversation.
The next day, they gave him the medicine and left.
The goat approached the horse and said: Be strong, my friend
Get up or else they're going to put you to sleep!
On the second day, they gave him the medicine and left.
The goat came back and said: Come on buddy, get up or else you're going to die! Come on, I'll help you get up
Let's go! One, two, three…
On the third day, they came to give him the medicine and the vet said: Unfortunately, we're going to have to put him down tomorrow
Otherwise, the virus might spread and infect the other horses.
After they left, the goat approached the horse and said: Listen pal, it's now or never! Get up, come on! Have courage! Come on! Get up! Get up! That's it, slowly! Great! Come on, one, two, three… Good, good
Now faster, come on… Fantastic! Run, run more!
Yes! Yay! Yes! You did it, you're a champion!!!
All of a sudden, the owner came back, saw the horse running in the field and began shouting: It's a miracle! My horse is cured
We must have a grand party
Let's Cook the goat!!!!
An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
The drunk proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?”
The drunk shouts, “Yes, oi am.”
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him back and asks, “Brother, have you found Jesus?”
The drunk replies, “No, oi haven't found Jesus!”
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks, “Have you found Jesus, me brother?”
The drunk answers, “No, oi haven't found Jesus!”
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again — but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, “For the love of God, have you found Jesus?”
The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,
“Are you sure this is where he fell in”?
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head.
He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.
This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar:
‘ I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
‘He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 – he's trying to catch up on his sleep
Please, may I come with him tomorrow?'
Three old ladies were sitting at the dinner table discussing their problems with getting old
The first one said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”
The second lady says, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”
The third one says, ” Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have any of those problems, knock on wood.” As she hit her knuckles on the table she looked up and said, “That must be the door… I'll get it!”
Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school
He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town.
He really wanted to impress everyone
He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first.
One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk to his office
He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.
As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone
He motioned the man in, all the while saying,
“No
Absolutely not
You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than $1 million
Yes.
The appeals court has agreed to hear that case next week
I'll be handling the primary argument, and the other members of my team will provide support.
Okay
Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details.”
This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes
All the while, the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions
Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man.
“I'm sorry for the delay,” he said, “but as you can see, I'm very busy
What can I do for you?”
The man replied, “I'm from the phone company
I came to hook up your phone.”
A man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast food place.
He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and as he watched,
the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries until each had half of them.
The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would let him buy another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, “Oh, no
We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.”
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, to which she replied, “Not yet
It's his turn to use the teeth.
THANK YOU MY FRIENDS AT DU!!
= new reply since forum marked as read
First, Congrats on your 20K posts, my dear friend!
Saving them to share with DH in the morning.
Don't know if I can handle it.
Go do it anyway.
Several of those for each! And a coupla chuckles on the side!
Each.
Thank you for the posts and the jokes 
and only getting better, Bayard. Congrats!
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