Jokes from my brother, part the third
and final
Driver: “What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?” Officer: “Keep it. When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle.”
I asked a supermarket employee where they kept the canned peaches. He said, “I’ll see,” and walked away. I asked another and he also said, “I’ll see,” and walked away. In the end, I gave up and found them myself, in Aisle C.
I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
I put our scale in the bathroom corner and that’s where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.
When I was a kid, I used to watch the “Wizard of Oz” and wonder how someone could talk if they didn’t have a brain. Then I joined Facebook.
Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, “That can't be accurate!”
I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have lots of new ideas.
Apparently RSVP’ing to a wedding invitation with “Maybe next time” isn’t the correct response.
I just burned 1,200 calories: I forgot the pizza slices in the oven.
Who knew that the hardest thing of being an adult is figuring out what to fix for dinner and doing it every single night for the rest of your life until you die?
I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart, when they’ve never even seen one of his paintings.
Never trust an electrician who has no eyebrows.
My neighbor knocked on my front door at 3am. 3AM! Luckily, I was already up, playing my bagpipes.
Instead of cleaning my house, I just watch an episode of “The Hoarders,” and think, “Wow! My house looks great.”
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