Grief never goes away.

[LuckyCharms]

My mother passed 11 years ago.

She had a difficult death. There were a lot of family issues.

I was her caretaker.

Everything just came back to me out of the blue, and turned me into a fucking mess.

Just like that, for no reason.

No need to respond. I'm just hoping that typing this out lets me get my bearings again.

Shit just sneaks up on you. Especially around the holidays.

[justaprogressive]

1. Of course it does

you are not alone.

[Walleye]

2. I really can relate to that. My mom got her terminal cancer diagnosis on December 19

And she died a month later. It was a terrible colon cancer death, this was 30 years ago. My mom was the nicest person you would ever wanna meet, she was only 70, She loved Christmas with her family.I’m almost 75 now. The grief always comes back to me this time of year and the flashbacks. Try and hang in there ,pretty soon the days will start getting longer that helps.

[CincyDem]

3. Thanks.

Two years down the same road, without the family issues.

Must have been in the air last night. Doing menu planning for the holiday dinners and whoosh...WTF happnened.

[lapfog_1]

4. my brother died in 1973

and, every once in a while, it all comes back. How it changed my parents, and directly affected the course of my life. I would have had a much different life had he not died.

When i think on it, it always brings back some sadness... my father was a broken man after he died. My mother I think blamed my father for encouraging my brother to join the Navy (where he died).

No, the grief never really goes away.

[3catwoman3]

39. My younger brother, and only sibling, died in 1978.

Last edited Fri Dec 8, 2023, 05:22 PM - Edit history (1)

A winter scuba diving adventure that ended badly. It was not an equipment failure, and the autopsy did not show water in his lungs. I suspect a cold induced cardiac arrhythmia because he did not revive with CPR efforts.

I wonder if you ever feel this way - he’s been gone so long, so very long, that it sometimes almost feels as if I imagined him.

My dad died in 2011 at age 90, and my mom in 2020 at age 98, so now It also sometimes feels as if my childhood memories have been negated because there is no one left to share memories with. My own life, apart from that, has been good, but it surely would have been better had he been around for a normal life span.

I do NOT like being the last one left.

Wishing you serenity.

[lapfog_1]

42. As a former scuba instructor

I subscribed to a "magazine" called Undercurrent... they didn't accept any advertising and was really directed to people in the dive industry. The last page of the magazine (or sometimes 2 pages) was directed to a column titled "Why divers die" and it would cover, in some detail, diving accidents.

You are probably correct, if he was diving without the proper equipment in icy waters... a cardiac event could have easily been the cause. Wetsuits often leak... I've had it happen to me where a gap at the neckline in the back allows a stream of water to enter and run down your spine. It feels like someone is stabbing you and can be shocking. Dry suits are much better but you can still tear them and experience that same feeling.

And I completely understand about the sharing of memories and feeling of being disconnected from your life as a much younger person. I tend to tell the stories about my family... even if only to myself in my head... to recall the details.

I wish you peace and healing. I have come to terms with the changes that happened to me - instead of being an Annapolis graduate and career Navy officer and, hopefully, Captain of my own submarine in the US Navy... I eventually joined NASA (my second childhood ambition) and became Chief Scientist (one of many) and achieved success in my field. All because of the death of my brother when he was an officer in the Navy.

[3catwoman3]

48. How eerie, for lack of a better word, that you should be the person...

…whose post I replied to, rather than a general response to the OP.

There were several people on this excursion, at least one of whom, if I remember correctly, was a certified diving instructor. Many were studying photography at the Rochester Institute of Technology, which is where my brother learned to scuba dive - he took a course to fulfill an elective. The objective of this dive was to do underwater/under ice photography. My brother was underwater with his girlfriend, who was also studying photography. They had only been down about 5 minutes when someone on the surface noticed that Tom had forgotten to take his camera with him.

They tugged on the air hose, which I was told is the signal to the diver that someone up top wants to tell you something. No one tugged back, which I was also told is a sign that something is not right - you are supposed to tug back in acknowledgement. So, the people on the surface hauled my bother and his girlfriend up. Both were blue and unconscious. She responded to CPR, and he did not.

I have never gone scuba diving, never will, and made my sons promise me that they will not do so while I am alive to know about it.

It’s been many years since I have actively thought about my brother on a daily basis, and for that I am grateful, as to do so would be too sad. Despite that, awareness of the loss is always there, typically prompted by hearing someone talk about doing something with a sibling, or hearing my husband talk on the phone with one of his 3 sisters - difficult not to feel wistful and envious.

I’m going to hazard a guess that your brother’s death was service related and that is why you chose not to pursue attending Annapolis and joining the Navy. It sounds like your second career choice turned out to be exciting and rewarding.

Thanks for listening.

[lapfog_1]

56. correct on almost all counts

ice diving is one of the most dangerous diving activities in the world. Cave diving is either second or first in the danger factor. I have only been ice diving once... as part of my check out dive... any my instructor sent me and my wife with an assistant... we had only descended to about 40 feet when the assistant instructor's regulator (what you breath through) malfunctioned (probably from becoming frozen) and she started to panic. I grabbed her (and she fought me) and punched my BC to go to the surface fast... with my wife taking more time to avoid decompression (smart). We made to the surface hole and there were people to help haul us both out on the ice. After coughing up some water, the assistant instructor was OK. I didn't suffer any ill affects and the instructor passed me and my wife on the spot. Never been back in cold water since then.

As for Annapolis... that was my mother. To this day I remember the argument with my father. It was short. "I'm not letting the DAMN Navy take my other son!" That was the end of my submarine driving dream ( tourist subs or other commercial subs are almost unknown ). BTW, my parents were both "middle of the road republicans"... and being from Kansas, they sort of knew Bob Dole (our senator). He had named me as one of his picks to military academies after my father submitted my name to his office.

So sorry for your loss... I remember my brother at this time of year because of the family get togethers around Thanksgiving or Christmas. Of course, there are many missing chairs at such a gathering these days, including both my parents, all of my aunts, uncles, grandparents, and many cousins. But some of my cousins had families... and I have a daughter by adoption. So life moves on. But the death of my brother at the age of 23 still leaves a hole.

[3catwoman3]

57. My brother was 23 as well.

I was 26, and stationed in Japan as a nurse practitioner in the Air Force nurse corps.

[lapfog_1]

58. I thank you for your service. - n/t

[Siwsan]

5. The 9th anniversary of losing my sister (Jan 9) and mom (Feb 4) are approaching

On New Year's Day, that year, my 98 year old aunt fell and broke her hip. She lasted until September 9 of that year (2015). The months between January and September are a blur. I retired 3 years earlier than I'd planned because I just couldn't cope. I took over the care of my aunt who, even though she was in assisted living, still required my constant attention. I lost track of how many times I had to rush to the ER.

I remember the pressure people put on me to participate in holiday stuff, in 2016. I refused. I haven't had any desire to 'celebrate' since but I now force myself to, for the little family I have left, and spend the next day in bed, emotionally exhausted.

I absolutely hate this time of year.

[AllyCat]

8. I'm so sorry. Hugs to you.

[niyad]

10. Is there anything we can do to help?

[Siwsan]

13. This is a hard year because I'm already stressing over next November's election

Thankfully one of my cousins, who I haven't seen since before the pandemic is driving up from Illinois, on the 22nd, to spend a few days with us. He lost his dad to Alzheimer's and his brother to suicide in 2019, only about a month apart. The last time we were together was at his dad's internment service. My mom also died of Alzheimer's and I've also lost a brother to suicide so I am particularly close to this cousin.

He has a huge personality and for the few days he will be here, I know he will do his best to distract me.

[quaint]

6. Seven plus years a widow, we still have daily discussions.

I really miss my dad, who left us twenty years ago. Sigh. 'Tis the season.

[Scottie Mom]

25. 30 Years a widow.

Miss him every day.

[MOMFUDSKI]

7. You are not alone at this time of year.

My BIL got the divorce and the ex turned the kids against him. He just doesn’t do holidays for years now. He did agree to come for Thanksgiving one year but had to leave because he felt a panic attack coming on. The Hallmark ads really don’t apply for too many. Just be kind to yourself. Thanks for sharing.

[niyad]

9. Huggggggs. Here if you need us.

[plcdude]

11. I

Know. Hang in there friend.

[Goddessartist]

12. Hugs.

We're here for you.

[Joinfortmill]

14. Sending you healing vibes

[dflprincess]

15. My mom also died 11 years ago

Last edited Fri Dec 8, 2023, 06:29 PM - Edit history (1)

My brother, my only sibling, 12 years ago. My dad died when we were kids, almost 60 years ago. I miss them all.

Rose Kennedy once said something along the line of time doesn't heal, but scar tissue forms so it may hurt less, but it still hurts.

[mountain grammy]

16. I think grief becomes part of who we are

because, as you said, it never goes away. Hugs to you, Lucky Charm.

[Wounded Bear]

17. Everybody feels it differently. For me it has softened over the years...

In December 1970, my father passed when I was stationed at NAS Memphis, TN for school in my first year of service in USMC. I flew home for the funeral and almost the last time I saw my high school girlfriend. Lot of endings that dark December.

Christmas has never been a thing I could really get into since. I don't decorate, don't do gifts, and generally don't care for the family gatherings around the holidays. During my 7 years in the Corps I never went home for holidays or anything.

Ho, ho, ho. Bah, humbug!

[Zincwarrior]

18. No it does not

Old man hug. Yes, it does not get better, but it gets...better.

[ProudMNDemocrat]

19. I share in your grief.

My Father did not die a good death in 2000. Nor my Mother on the 2nd of January of 2013.

Now my only Brother just a few weeks ago. Grief takes its time. The memories we are left with are what prolongs that Grief, but comfort us at rhe same time.

Hugs to you.

[cate94]

20. My experience has been similar

It comes in waves. In the early days it always knocks you down. It goes away, it comes back in, and even after years it can bring you to your knees.

I’ve heard it said that grief is the price of love. If so, I’ll pay it.

[rubbersole]

21. It's your empathy that makes you special, LC...

...this season is tough at times remembering loved ones we shared so much joy with. It makes us human.

[Niagara]

22. We never "move on" from grief.

We move forward with grief


I agree with you that the holidays are especially difficult.


Lots of hugs, Lucky!

[Marthe48]

23. We are the sum total of our parts

The sad memories are as much part of us as the best. This isn't a good time of year and it is easy to be reminded of loss and sorrow. Be nice to yourself

[XanaDUer2]

24. My mom died 12/12

Every year its the same.

[Delmette2.0]

26. Over the last 20 years I have lost so much

Both parents, two brothers, my ex husband ( we were on good terms) and worse of all my oldest son.
He had muscular dystrophy and died from respiratory failure.

In an effort to get away from the daily news every series I watch ends up getting me in tears. Sometimes joy, sometimes sadness.

I read an article years ago that tears of joy are chemically different tears of grief. Tears of grief are good for us, they release the chemicals that make us sad. So I cry away and feel better.

[Martin Eden]

27. Grief is the price of Love

Love makes Life worth living.

[lynintenn]

28. My brother died in January this year

He died of throat cancer.2 months after he was diagnosed.This time last year I was taking him to radiation treatment every day except days when he was too weak to go. Still can't get those scenes out of my head.

[Jarqui]

29. Lost my best friend in 1985

Try as I might, I will never get over it. Never. Every year on his birthday - bad day. His parents never got over it either - they also buried both his brothers. Breathtakingly tragic.

Now, after an intense, daily, brutal 10 year fight, I'm losing the best friend who helped fill that void ... to the same thing.

I've got a great wife, two wonderful daughters, great siblings & friends & pets and the newest addition: a 20 month-old granddaughter who goes nuts over me. And another due in February. I can't complain. I feel lucky. But I've never been able to keep the grief away. You just learn to live with it I guess.

[irisblue]

30. My Mom passed this October. Her last day she told us, her kids would be orphans in their 60s.

Mom had as good a death as could be had. Her children were hands on her body, singing her favorite hymn and she just slid away. No pain no fear.

My sister turned 65 this week. She had a hard day

[onecaliberal]

31. Hugs...

We’re here for you.

[lonely bird]

32. Christmas is not a fun time

My mother died of cancer at 58 in 1983…

on Christmas Eve.

I have always had a tendency since then to get pissed off during the holidays. And it hasn’t helped that my father was physically and emotionally abusive to my mother.

I was lucky to find that my wife’s family was much more loving in their relationships.

[cilla4progress]

34. What do we do with this anger?

Yesterday I was thinking of two dear friends lost too young to cancer.

I'm so angry. I don't know what to do with the anger!

[lonely bird]

40. A good question

I don’t have an exact answer.

You don’t get past the grief, you get through it. It does stay but try to focus on the good times. Remember their smiles, their jokes, good times together. That does help for me.

Peace to you. Because peace is all important. We cannot change what has happened. We will never get to know what would have happened. We can only see what has and is happening and do what we can. Visit friends, make a new friend, try some activity you haven’t done before, perhaps adopt a fur baby (my dog Fuzzy helps).

Peace.

[cilla4progress]

33. I'm sorry you experienced this hardship!

[ShepKat]

35. it gets softer

40 years ago next month for me. I was 24... keep forgetting people my age still have parents

[NNadir]

36. I'm almost half a century into it and, no...

...it never goes away.

What happens is that you learn to live with it, but it never goes away.

[LoisB]

37. Hugs.

[momta]

38. I'm so sorry, LuckyCharms.

Like others in this thread, I lost my mom too. It's been 44 years for me. I was 16 when she died of cancer, and to this day my brothers and I talk and cry about it in therapy and with each other. This Monday will be the anniversary of her death, so the holidays hold a special kind of bitterness for us.

No, it never goes away. Be kind to yourself.

[WhiteTara]

41. No, grief never leaves, it just changes form

My little sister died Thanksgiving day 3 years ago and now my bestie BIL died this Thanksgiving and sometimes I just break down in the weirdest places. Yesterday I was getting my teeth cleaned and there she is scraping away and tears just started flowing and I couldn't stop them.

I still miss Mother and that was so many years ago, I don't remember the year. I'm not sure if I'll ever stop crying.

[Marthe48]

43. My Mom passed away Memorial Day 2007

My m-i-l passed away on Halloween 2017. There isn't a more personal way to observe Memorial Daythan thinking of Mom. And the portal between the worlds opens a little wider for us who loved Mom

[markie]

44. "grief doesn't go away"

triggers sneak up on us.... still

[GeoWilliam750]

45. Wishing you a completely full recovery

[Hope22]

46. It's just like that!

And It feels like it hurts more than ever on the revisit but I tend to think it was always that bad, and we salve the memory to be able to move forward. My heart goes out to you! Love and more love to you! 💗😁

[malaise]

47. Hugs

[barbtries]

49. No, it stays.

over 22 years later I may be suddenly feel that someone's tapping me on the shoulder, saying, "Bekah died," and I can't believe it. I can't believe it.
These "grief spasms" occur more rarely as the years roll on, and for me, don't last as long. Sometimes there's nothing better than a good cry.

I bet this has to do with the holidays. It's a fraught time of year for so many, because you miss your loved one. You miss her.

[FemDemERA]

50. Today at Costco

While waiting outside, I saw a daughter helping her elderly mother into a wheelchair to go inside shopping. The Christmasy sweatshirt the mother was wearing was exactly like one my mom had. Bittersweet memories of mom and I doing the same thing flooded me and I fought back tears.

The daughter parked mom next to me while she got a cart. The chair started to roll a bit so I reached out to stop it and told her my mother had that same sweater. She said it was an old one and I told her it must be as my mom had been gone about 10 years. We chatted briefly until her daughter returned. As we went our separate ways, I felt comforted in some small way.

I don’t believe we “get over” grief. I believe we move through it. We put one foot in front of the other and breathe. Over and over as we experience those little moments of bittersweet memories which glide in and out of our days like ocean waves upon the sand.

[SOteric]

51. Sending you hugs and my empathy.

Time has not so much healed the deep wound of my mother's passing as it has taught me not to bump up against the most painful parts all the time. But yes, sometimes just a random aroma on the wind, a holiday song not heard in ages, or even some unexplainable quirk of the subconscious mind brings it all back fresh.

[AllaN01Bear]

52. my late mom passed dec/21/2003. still hurts . getting better but u r correct , dosnt go away.

[Bayard]

53. I'm trying really hard this year.....

I lost my oldest brother, who was also my best friend, to suicide. No warning. I was barely functional for a year. Since then, I've lost both of my Type 1 diabetic sisters, and both of my parents. All to horrible diseases.

Xmas was always this big noisy happy occasion before that, where everyone got together at my folks, my siblings and their kids. Our favorite time of year. My sisters both started playing xmas music and putting their trees up the day after thanksgiving. It was joyous!

I'll be paddling along, some trigger will hit, and I feel like I'm drowning. There's just me and my younger brother now, with his family. We haven't seen them in 2 years now, but they are coming down on the 23rd. Its one thing to look forward to. I bought a xmas tree today.

My heart is with you on this, Lucky.

[CountAllVotes]

54. I am right there w/you

And no, it never goes away.

Sometimes, you cannot heal from it as it was so awful!

& recommend.

[Generic Brad]

55. We've all been there

And some of us will never leave there. And that's OK.

[BigmanPigman]

59. What really bugs me is when people say, "Get over it,

move on, it's time to get past it, etc".

Grief is a very personal and individual experience and when anyone says BS like that it tells me they are an ass and I need to get past THEM and say fuck you!

[Niagara]

61. You must know some unemphatic people, BigmanPigman

I'm sorry to hear that anyone has ever told you to "Get over it."


That's appalling.

[BigmanPigman]

62. Sometimes I think I am too sensitive.

I try to shake it off but it can be very disappointing.

[Niagara]

63. I would say the people telling you to "get over it" are insensitive

I'm in the younger DU members category.


I've lost beloved people and pets. I've never gotten over losing them. Ever.


We're allowed to grieve for any amount of time that we need, this includes for the rest of our lives.

[BigmanPigman]

64. Hear, hear!

[mvd]

60. Yes, it does

My mom talks about a “hole in her chest” sensation and while it sounds like depression, I think lingering grief over my dad’s death is contributing. He died in 2019. I always liked Christmas and really think of good memories I had with dad at this time of year.