How long would you allow someone to sleep on your couch?

[LonePirate]

I have had a friend sleeping on my couch since just before Halloween of last year as he was moving back to my area after living out of state for about 10 years. I have been feeding and buying the necessities for him for the entire time he has been here; but he has made no effort to find a job or a place to live on his own.

At the end of last month when the six month mark had arrived, I told him he could stay for one more month and then he would have to leave. He has family in the area but he has been resistant to speaking much with them although there has been some contact.

He knows he has to leave tomorrow at the latest but I am not entirely convinced he has someplace to go.

So, DUers, what would you do in this situation?

[ret5hd]

1. time to go.

[Historic NY]

2. Kick him out or sell the couch

[hedda_foil]

3. If he doesn't leave, have him evicted.

The guy has taken advantage of you more than enough.

[quaint]

4. Change the lock.

[Blue Owl]

5. I know the type

Time for some tough love — give ‘em the boot!

[captain queeg]

6. Yeah it's time to go. It's already been too long.

He’s never paid you anything? Then I’d give him the boot. Actually I think it would be harder to get rid of him if he’d been giving you any money.

[Shermann]

7. Six months of sponging would be way past my breaking point! nt

[Skittles]

8. what was his life before he moved in

was he working? Is he depressed? Why is he so reluctant to move forward? I had a friend sleep on my couch for a while until he got a job but I would never have been so charitable to someone making zero effort.

[likesmountains 52]

9. He's not leaving unless you make him go.

[Demobrat]

10. Six months free room and board?

You have done more than enough for this person. I hope it’s not too hard to get rid of him.

[blm]

11. Knowing how I am, I'd say one more week

But, that’s just me. I recently had a 10month stay here from someone who really needed a place to live while she regathered her life. I do understand.

[Think. Again.]

12. How long would I allow someone to sleep on my couch?

Until they finish their nap.

[Aussie105]

13. You have made is life far too comfortable.

Why should he want to leave?

I'm sure he thinks the World Owes him Bigtime, let him go do it somewhere else.

You may have to resort to guerilla tactics - no food in the house, turn off all power, you go stay somewhere else for a week.
He will be gone when you get back.

[unblock]

14. 6-7 months is far beyond the call of duty.

At some point you need to protect yourself and your own goals in life and he needs to not make a temporary arrangement a permanent one.

Get aggressive in finding him a new place and/or a job if that's what it takes and you can't bring yourself to just give him the boot.

[MOMFUDSKI]

15. He has to go yesterday because he is not

seeking work. Simple

[True Dough]

16. Time to drop some

thumb tacks on that couch!

[jimfields33]

17. I had friends who were at the 10 day mark.

They pissed me off one night with lights and lowered my air conditioning. I was out and came home to a freezing home and lights on all over. I stewed all night and woke both up at 6:00 am and said goodbye. They wanted showers. I said no. Off they went. I was so glad.

[Shermann]

24. How about "showering" them with rice as they leave and start their new life! nt

[enough]

18. His family is where he must go, reluctant or not.

You have gone beyond the call of duty.

And it’s not your responsibility to find him a job or a place to live. That would just extend his stay indefinitely.

[sinkingfeeling]

19. Overnight is as long as I could tolerate the situation.

[peacebuzzard]

20. would not have spent 1 night in my home.

If they were broke I would pay for 1 night in a hotel so they could make arrangements for the rest of their issues.
I have cats as housemates and that's what I would say. "no, I'm sorry I dont't have any way to provide a place etc."

[Upthevibe]

21. LonePirate ...........

So what you're saying is you've supported this man for seven months. He's made no effort to get work or to find another place to live.

IMHO, he needs to go ASAP!

[Hekate]

22. Out! Hand him a cardboard box and change the locks the same day,

[dickthegrouch]

23. There's a reason hotels have you sign a contract

In some states one can gain a right of residence in a shockingly short time. Whereupon eviction proceedings are the only legal way of getting the person out. If you just change the locks, as suggested here, even after serving notice, you could be sued for damages.
Put the notice to leave in writing and give it in front of a witness.
I’m not an attorney, but I’ve been through the same thing.

[bello]

25. Been there, done that.

He was given a firm deadline, but kept finding reasons not to move out.

On New Year’s Day, Ms. Bella took all of his belongings and deposited them on
the front lawn. Locked the door and left. Just as it started snowing. He didn’t
have a key.

Rule 1: don’t FA with my wife or you will FO. I love her.

When he got back from the party and saw what had happened he stormed of
to the neighbors to whine and kvetch. As he entered with snow on his feet,
he slipped on the hardwood floor and broke his ankle.

When the neighbor finally got the story out of the sponger, the neighbor was laughing
so hard that he had a serious asthma attack. Both the sponger and the neighbor had
to be hauled off to the ER.

[Hekate]

32. Priceless! I love your wife and your neighbor.

[MuseRider]

26. It's hard but you will have him there forever

if he has made no effort by now.

My brother promised, between his threats to me, he was going to move. 7 years later he did but we had to threaten him so he would get a job and stop getting fired for walking in the door at 7:30 am with a beer in his hand. He came back for 2 weeks while waiting for an apartment that was being made ready. A year later he was out and the year after that we put all his smelly stuff outside and told him after the first big rain we were calling a refuse truck out to trash it.

Don't let that happen. Get him gone, nicely if possible. You have done more than enough and if he does not recognize that and leaves like you asked then he was meaning to stay right there. Check your place well after he is gone, you never know what you might find.

You are a good friend so do not feel bad. He knew going in he was not going to leave. I wonder how many people he has done this to.

[GreenWave]

27. He has become a moocher. Is he playing video games all day long?

[hunter]

28. Nobody lasted long on the sofa in the house I grew up in.

Or in my house, so far as it goes.

Anyone who sticks around has to have a high tolerance for chaos.

It was so bad at my parents' house that two of my siblings found work and left home when they were sixteen.

That was mostly because of my grandma. She'd been removed from the home she owned as a danger to herself and others. She had the financial resources to live in nice "assisted living" places but none would have her, not for long anyways. Then she'd end up living with my parents. She could say the meanest most inappropriate words imaginable to anyone.

Some sofa-sleepers soon learned they could buy my grandma off with cigarettes and whiskey but that would raise the ire of my mom, which could be truly terrifying, even compared to my grandma's rages.

The only time I've ever lived alone in my life was when I was homeless, a feral human living in my broken car in a church parking lot, in the garden shed of a Vietnam war vet who thought he was doing a good deed by keeping me off the streets, etc..

Other than that I've always had roommates or family, making sofa-sleepers who overstayed their welcome a community problem.

Personally, I could never tolerate sleeping on sofas more than two or three days, no matter the circumstances.

[Emile]

29. Kick the bum out. The guy is a freeloader.

[beemerphill]

30. Easy

Wish him well and Godspeed as he is leaving your house. A friendly wave would be a nice touch too.

[Elessar Zappa]

31. Depended who it was.

Good friends, maybe six months, family (that I get along with), probably a year. I think you’re being completely reasonable considering he’s not putting in effort to get a job.

[ProfessorGAC]

33. Like Many Others Have Said...

...you've done more than enough.
Your life has been disrupted for 7 months.
He has to go & you need to not feel bad about it.
You've tolerated far more than I would have already.

[LudwigPastorius]

34. Give him two twenties and tell him to go pick up a pizza you ordered.

Change the locks before he gets back.

[hunter]

35. I'm feeling a bit disturbed by this thread.

Anyone who sleeps on a friend's sofa seven months probably has some sort of mental illness and would benefit from a mildly supervised housing situation and therapy.

It's too bad such things are largely unavailable, even when someone hits rock bottom and has no place left to go.

Every homeless person has a story of wearing out their last welcome.

By no means am I saying this is a reason to tolerate such a situation when someone is contributing nothing to the household.

God knows it wasn't my fear of being called "lazy" or of being homeless that drove me forward when I was knocked down. And I'm not yet so decrepit that I couldn't live again indefinitely as a wordless wild thing foraging through dumpsters. It's just that it would be really boring and a great disappointment to people who love me.

These judgmental "tough love" and "welcome to the real world" attitudes are one reason social safety nets in the U.S.A. are so full of holes.

Everyone deserves a place to go after they've crashed and burned, even those labeled "lazy," but the altruists among us shouldn't have to carry the entire burden, especially when it's various other aspects of our fucked up anti-altruistic society that are causing so many people to crash and burn in the first place.

As Buckaroo Banzai said, Hey, hey, hey. Don't be mean. We don't have to be mean because, remember, no matter where you go, there you are.

Personally, I've been a lot of places, from sleeping rough and finding food in dumpsters to grand bedrooms in great mansions with excellent views of the ocean. I've ridden in the back seat of police cars and in limos.

Life's a trip. Be kind to your fellow passengers. If you have to part ways, wish them well and point them in the right direction as best you know it.