Federal prisoners file suit demanding Trump not be made their cellmate
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WASHINGTON (Spurious News Network) -- Five hundred federal prisoners, many sentenced to life in prison for crimes including murder, financial crimes, drug crimes and terrorism, today filed a lawsuit in federal court seeking to enjoin the government from assigning them former president Donald Trump, currently under indictment in three different federal courts, as a cellmate on the grounds that forcing anyone to share a cell with Trump is unconstitutional due to the Eighth Amendment's ban on cruel and unusual punishment.
"Donald Trump needs to go to prison," said Frederick Davidson, serving life in prison for manufacturing 3400 pounds of assorted drugs to include fentanyl and methamphetamine, "but he doesn't need to live with me while he's in here."
Jason Smith, serving ten-to-twenty for producing $3 million in counterfeit twenty-dollar bills, worries about Donald Trump's effect on his rehabilitation should Trump become his cellmate. "I'm trying to get my life back together in here. If they make me live with a career criminal like Donald Trump I might return to a life of crime once I get out."
Marty diBergi, serving five-to-ten for manufacturing machine guns, believes Donald Trump will have a disruptive effect on the prison population. "On my block alone we have at least thirty people who are doing time for their part in storming the Capitol in 2021. Now that they've learned Trump knew he lost the election all along, they're absolutely pissed. Stuff that bastard in here and I have no idea what they'll do."
Edison Hartman, who demolished his high school with homemade dynamite over summer break when he was sixteen years old and was given fifty years for it, worries that Trump will keep him in jail longer than expected. "Donald Trump is addicted to cell phones. If they throw him in prison he's going to smuggle one in. When the guards find it in our cell, I know he'll blame it on me and I'll get a year in the hole. Man, I got five years of good time. I don't wanna lose that because of him."
A former mayor of a large American city currently doing fifteen years for inciting an insurrection, has personal reasons for not wanting Trump as his cellmate. "He's the reason I'm here. You can't possibly think I ever want to see him again."
An inmate formerly of Minnesota, who was given five years in prison for promoting a toxic extract of oleander as a COVID cure and three years for fraudulently claiming in interstate commerce the 20-pound bags of gravel he formerly sold could be used as pillows, claims financial reasons for not wanting Trump as a cellmate. "That motherfucker cost me half a billion dollars through his lies. Put his ass in my cell and I WILL get it back one way or the other." An unidentified inmate across the corridor immediately yelled out, "suck it up, buttercup; I was in Trump University. Yeah, he screwed me and a lot of other people, but I'm not holding that against him. After all, he only incidentally led me to rob a bank and three liquor stores to raise money for my tuition."
The Guild of Federal Corrections Officials, the trade union representing guards at federal prisons, filed an amicus brief in the case because "we don't want him in here either."
Federal judges appear likely to grant relief to the plaintiffs. According to a judge who requested anonymity, "while the purpose of prison is both punishment and rehabilitation, making someone live with Donald Trump can be considered bullying."
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