Well I just got dumped.

[alarimer]

By my boyfriend of almost five years. Met someone else. Told me over the phone. We live in different states so maybe it was inevitable. But it still sucks. He was here a couple of weekends ago and gave no inkling he had met someone else. I don't know what to do. I begged and pleaded with him, to no avail.

I feel sick.

[bluedigger]

1. That's harsh, but there isn't any easy way, I don't think.

[alarimer]

2. No, but I had no idea this was coming.

Totally out of the blue.

I'm so upset.

[Robyn66]

49. Well, I don't know either of you but he is a shit.

Obviously the relationship was not giving him what he needed for a while and instead of being a man he was a coward. Be kind to yourself, you have suffered a terrible loss similar to a death. Just know that it was not about you, and after you feel better you can go out and find someone who will be good and honest. It is going to take time to heal so don't beat yourself up if you still have bad moments months from now. People will tell you to pick yourself up and get back on the horse. Well you need time to grieve and be angry and sad. In a lot of ways this is worse than a death because when someone dies you can cherish the memories once the pain passes, you will want to move completely past the memories at some point.

So basically sweetie, I am so sorry you are in pain. I have given you a ton of unsolicited advice that you are welcome to ignore But I think that there are a lot of us who have been where you are. Just do yourself a favor, don't beg, and don't drunk dial. Don't create more bad memories for yourself.

All the best!

[alarimer]

61. I think all the advice here had been pretty good.

I know, at least in my head, that I won't always feel like this, but damn if I can even get through an hour without crying. I'm sure people at work are wondering why my eyes are all red.

[Robyn66]

64. And that is ok

You have to go through this to get to the other side.

[PassingFair]

106. Haven't you been talking about getting rid of this guy for a while?

I seem to recall that your relationship was not a bed of roses in the first place.

Maybe this is a GOOD thing?

[kwassa]

3. I'm sorry. It sucks.

There is no good answer to what you are going through.

I've been there. It is terrible.

[alarimer]

11. I'm too old to start over

I thought he was it for me. Who's going to want me?

[kwassa]

17. You are never too old to start over.

I got married for the first time at age 47.

It is now thirteen years and going strong.

[lastlib]

32. WE want you!! I want you!

Get a puppy--you'll get over the loser ex-BF a**hole in no time at all. There are plenty of men out there. (Hell, I'm available, FWIW! )

[alarimer]

35. I have a cat.

I would like a dog, maybe if I get a house.

[ArnoldLayne]

53. I think you should get another cat I have 2.

[lastlib]

68. Look at it this way: You've just avoided a long-term mistake!!

That fact alone should be worth its weight in gold! You've avoided spending (possibly) your whole life with a world-class douchebag. Celebrate it!

[riderinthestorm]

34. My dad met the love of his life when he was 76. She was 79.

So how old are you???






They're 5 years married and living each day like la vida loca.

[alarimer]

37. That's sweet

There's hope for us all, I guess.

[mythology]

110. My grandfather also got remarried in his late 60s after my grandmother died.

To a woman who (no offense intended to my grandmother) loved him more deeply than even my grandmother did. She had enough money (and was more than happy to spend it) to be able to provide 24/7 care for him even as his Alzheimer's grew ever worse.

When they got married, the grocery store where they met put up a banner announcing the marriage over the same pet food aisle where they first met. He was buying dog food and she was smitten by his whistling. We had thought he wouldn't remarry or even live very long after my grandmother died, but they were married for close to 10 years.

Granted this marriage did lead to the somewhat awkward conversation where he asked my mom if it might be okay if they (my grandfather and his wife) slept in the same bed. But other than that,

[hamsterjill]

57. Who is going to want you?

Wait a minute here. Just wait a minute.

I understand that you are going through a tough time. Your boyfriend was a jerk. Granted.

But surely your entire existence on this planet is not defined by your boyfriend. I refuse to believe that about someone smart enough to be a Democrat!

Give yourself a bit of time, and then sit down and have a serious talk with yourself. Remind yourself of the assets and qualities that you, the individual, have. The gifts, the talents, the flaws and the sins. Be completely honest with yourself. Then forget the flaws and the sins and concentrate and the talents and the gifts. Put those talents and gifts to good use.

Your first priority must be to love yourself. You deserve that!

Then, if and when you are ready, you can consider another relationship.

[GermanDem]

73. How old are you?

I have friends who re-married in their 60's and 70's. And don't say "who's going to want me"!!! My granny used to say: There is a lid for every pot!"

I know it hurts now! But there is someone out there for you, just keep looking!

[kooljerk666]

116. I think that all the time....

any never go out & the other day I went to the library & ran into 3 very nice women very very nice to me.

I am still grieving a terrible loss my self & was nervous & stammering & made no connection BUT I saw I was not worthless!!

I had not shaved for 2-3 weeks & looked pretty scruffy, manson like & some people were still friendly to me, I could not believe it.

Long greyish hair, long grey beard & mustache is pretty bad too, I may let it go & do a fu man chu, and I am over 50 also.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

4. How awful, my dear alarimer...

Long distance relationships can be difficult.

I am really sorry to hear this...

You will survive this, and go on but right now it sucks.

[alarimer]

7. I was sort of ugly to him on the phone

In fact I think I told him to fuck off and die. I hope his new girlfriend dumps him right away.

[WillParkinson]

44. I disagree...

I don't think that was ugly at all. I think it was a very natural reaction. Just the fact that you'd seen him recently and he told you nothing and then had the audacity to tell you over the phone instead of being grown-up enough to do it in person shows immaturity on his part.

[Hayabusa]

87. Nah, that's not being ugly

that's just blowing off steam. He pissed you off and you let him know it. Perfectly and 100% natural.

[DFW]

45. I had it happen to me

I was 20 at the time, and thought the world had come to an end. It didn't

Then I met someone else 2 years later. 38 years later, we're still together. We lived on different continents for the first four years--how's THAT for long distance? But even continents are surmountable if your partner is worth it.

Mine was. Alarimer's was not. She will find someone new. The darkest hour is always before the dawn.....

[MrsBrady]

5. that's really shitty

especially if he saw you a few weeks ago...
that's real ass-holery in my opinion.

But don't beg and plead.
And don't answer the phone if he calls.
Stringing you along is not fair and you deserve better than that.

[alarimer]

9. But I can't start over at my age; I just can't

I'm 44. Whose going to want me? Some fat fucking redneck. No thanks.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

10. Sure you can. Lots of people do.

You won't have to settle for a fat redneck, either; 44 isn't old.

[alarimer]

12. Not here, not in this crappy little town.

I'm here because of my job, which I like a lot.

The upside is I guess I can move where I want to.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

16. If you can move, maybe you should, though it would be a shame

to give up a job you like. Moving would give you a new start. On the other hand, as painful as it is, you WILL get over this. Really.

[alarimer]

18. I meant more like someday

I've only been in this job a few months and I need to give it some more time, a couple of years at least. But it's not like I have to live in this town, particularly.

[Hoyt]

13. Hey, I had to start over much later than that. I'm really happy with it.

Hurts bad I know, but don't drag it out any longer than necessary for you.

But, what do I know of how it is for you? Hang in there.

[alarimer]

20. I'm just going back over everything in my mind

Wondering if there were signs. Our conversations over the last few weeks have been weird, like he wanted to say something and couldn't. And I wonder how they met and where and all that. And I wonder what I should have done differently. Our last visit previous to this was great, he even talked about just moving here, even without a job.

I just can't get my mind to stop.

[Hoyt]

30. I'll bet distance had a whole lot to do with it.

You never know, but he might cone to his senses, just don't wait too long. Give it some time, maybe, but don't waste time.

Although, I think the guy is pretty low for how this unfolded.

You might think this is crazy, but I'm really high on some of the Internet meeting/dating sites. 3 years ago I would have laughed at the thought. Now, I've met someone with a real future.

Point is, handle the current situation as you need to, but at some point, start doing some little things to moving forward if that is what's called for.

Again, I'm not qualified to counsel, but I've been dumped so many times, I learned a few things that work for me anyway.

Love and all that sure does hurt at times.

[OffWithTheirHeads]

21. 44? You have got to be kidding me! Trust me, your life is far from over. You will get smarter too

Hell, I can barely remember 44 and I'm just getting started. My dear girl, you have so much life ahead of you that you can't even imagine. Trust me, things will change. It's what they do.

[alarimer]

22. Thanks.

I'm just scared right now and upset.

[OffWithTheirHeads]

36. You will be fine.

I discussed your post with my wife. She said to tell you about us. She was 46 when I met her. I am 14 years her junior. I consider myself a trophy husband. This labor day, we celebrated our 24th anniversary. Life before her is but a vague memory.

The one thing I learned about life is that it always changes. It may get better, it may get worse but it always changes. There have been a number of occasions when I have seriously considered suicide. These were followed by times when life was fabulous. From this I learned that no matter where you are today, it will not be the same tomorrow so hang in there, the adventure has not played itself out yet.

I know you are hurting today but, trust me, life is just getting started. One of the best parts about getting older is that you reach a point where you no longer give a fuck about what others think about you and you can finally just be who you are. This is also a great time to fall in love because neither of you is pretending to be who you are not.

It gets better

[ArnoldLayne]

54. That is all you are 44 and you think your old. No your still young, I'm 54 and single I

wish I was 44 again.

[cherish44]

102. I'm a 45 woman and recently broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years

I have to color my gray hair, I am perimenopausal (hot flashes SUCK so bad lol) I have arthritic knees...Oh did I mention that I broke up with HIM? No, there was no one else. The relationship was just stagnant and going nowhere and I decided life was too darn short to be stuck in a rut. And I'm not worried at all about having to starting over as a middle aged woman, in fact I'm have the time of my life and enjoying the single life so much! It's "me" time that I haven't had in years - I'm doing stuff like taking classes, working out, traveling, dancing, going to concerts, meeting people, painting.... And YES I get asked out on dates all the time (not one has been a fat redneck). I'm in no hurry to "get a man". In fact I find life is much less complicated without one right now. When the time comes and the right person comes along, maybe, but right now I'm working on myself and have grown so much! Love your life and be happy and people will be attracted to you. Positive energy attracts positive energy!

[alarimer]

111. That is all very good advice

And I'm glad things are working out for you. That was my approach this weekend. I went to the Virginia Folk Festival in Richmond, where I saw some good music and ate some good food. Music always soothes me, not matter what I am upset about. Oh, and I also went out last night to our semi-monthly meeting of Heathens in the Pub, the only atheists and liberals in this town. Since I moved here, I have already done more socializing than I ever did in Texas. I have also joined a kayaking group based in the Hampton Roads area, but I haven't made it to a single paddle. I probably won't now until spring. I don't have the appropriate gear for cold-water paddling, although I may try to get some.

I live in a small town, though, that I have no intention of spending my life in. I moved here to take the job, which I really like. I was stagnating in Texas, career-wise. Now I am doing all the things I dreamed of and it will likely lead to other things, when I get tired of living here. My plan, long-term, is to move to Portland, OR. But there are other cities I might like too, so who knows. Although if I met someone here, I could keep this job and just live at the beach, which would be more than okay with me.

So I feel more positive these days as well. I'm also sure that there was more wrong in the relationship than I was willing to acknowledge previously.

[woolldog]

23. um what's wrong with fat rednecks?

We deserve love too.

[alarimer]

24. Yes, I apologize for that.

It was mean.

[woolldog]

25. nah i was just trying to make you laugh

cheer you up a bit.

[klook]

27. My wife was 46 when I met her.

Your life is far from over. I would advise spending time with people who care about you, and maybe taking a little trip when you can. You need to clear your head.

It gets better.

[alarimer]

28. Thanks

I know this intellectually at least.

I'd like to take a trip, but I can't afford it right now. I should start saving for something like that.

[crunch60]

43. OMG alarimer, you are just a baby at 44! You have years

ahead of you. I met someone really special at 53, and another at 60, and I hope someone exciting now that I'm much older. LOL. I am friends with my past partners, (most of them) .
You are a whole person without being attached to someone, you have to remember that. Be good to yourself, start going to a health club, work out, get a doggie or other companion, I love doing art, so maybe you could do some classes in that area.
Takes time to get over someone you love and move on, but it will happen if you let it.

[Robyn66]

50. Honey 44 is NOT old

I had an uncle who married his true love at 74 and died in her arms at the age of 83. I am not suggesting that you will be 74 when you find the right person, but love can come at any age and sweetie you are nowhere near old!

[hfojvt]

72. Hey, I happen to be 50

So it is not like you are too old for me.

Also, at my last reunion, there were six guys there who had never been married - Me, John, TomO, Doug, Steve, and Keith.

So, there's six unmarried 50 year old guys (unless some of them got married in the last two years).

[Aerows]

79. 44, and you think you are old?

OMG. I'd put the cut off point at about 85, my friend.

For every 44 year old woman that thinks she is too old to be attractive, there is a 40+ year old man that believes the same thing.

Honey, you have every chance in the world of meeting the right person. The most important person, though, is you. Love yourself, love your own hobbies, and you get people flocking towards you.

[MrMickeysMom]

94. What the hell does 44 have to do with it?

Unless you're suffering some disability that will get in the way of waking up and walking into each day, taking time to enjoy the things that appeal to you (surely it can't just be to find a mate), and just live your life without expecting permanence. You cannot ever get it.

Believe in yourself.

[kooljerk666]

117. Hey I am 51yo 5'10 155lbs...........

and I was thinkin about the 40-60 age bracket. In my experience a mature woman is better at all things that matter than a 25 yo, and I mean ALL THINGS.

And not all us old guys are fat or red necked. I am just a loud mouth lefty!

[benld74]

6. Yeah, being blindsided is a tough one

but on the bright side, being in two different states means you wont accidently see or bumo into him anywhere. Are you better off? You dont feel like it right now, but time heals all wounds.

[alarimer]

8. I don't know.

I saw a future with him. I took me a long time to get there, but I did.

I can't believe it. I just can't

[benld74]

67. He has dented your ability to trust people, your own sense of knowing you are correct in your

decisions. That is what you are feeling inside now, although it most likely doesn't feel that way to you. When people have this sort of thing happen they lose faith in their own decisions, BUT REMEMBER, you are NOT the issue.
HE WAS and STILL IS. Over the phone is lame and we all know it.
It will take time to heal, but you can do this.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

14. Yes, it sucks hard enough to bend light.

I once got dumped by someone I'd been seeing for about 4 years, someone I thought was The One, my soulmate, all that crap, and it came completely out of left field (it turned out he had been carrying on with someone he worked with, and it had been going one for several months). I had no clue this was coming - what a punch in the gut that was. I also begged and pleaded, to no avail (and I later felt like an idiot for having groveled like that). I think I also told him to fuck off and die, or something like that. I was crushed, and I moped around for weeks, but -- here's the important thing -- I got over it. You will, too.

[alarimer]

15. I know all this

Because I've been here before.

Only after the last time, I didn't see anyone for 7 years. Not even a date.

[Aristus]

19. I'm sorry, alarimer. You must be in a lot of pain right now.

Getting dumped over the phone sucks.

Hang in there...

[CaliforniaPeggy]

26. So......what do you do?

Right now, you're in the first stage of grief: you can't believe it.

So cry your tears, grieve, yell at him, do whatever you feel like. It'll help you get through this mess.

Later on, when you feel better (and you will) then take stock. Don't let seven years go by before another date.

Get out of the house; volunteer, do things you like to do, help in a soup kitchen or whatever.

Go on hikes. Join a club that does things you're interested in.

Don't try to meet someone. Just be yourself.


Take care, and be good to yourself...

[alarimer]

29. Thanks for this.

All that's good advice.

Right now, it's just so hard to imagine.

[MrMickeysMom]

95. Such a good idea, Peg

and good advice.

[petronius]

31. Damn, I'm really sorry to hear that. He's an idiot...

[dawg]

33. Sorry alarimer.

I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better.

It sucks, and it is terrifying, to contemplate starting over again at our age. I'm a year older than you, so I understand.

But really, we're still pretty young. We have lots of good years ahead of us, and they can be filled with lots of wonderful experiences. We just need to be open to the possibilities.

I guess I'm talking to myself more than I am to you!

But it will get better. If he was worth hurting this bad over, he never would have let you go.

[irisblue]

38. he is a jerk. period.

you deserve the best. and he is not it. sending cyber hugs and strength.

[Chellee]

39. I'm sorry.

I know how much you're hurting.

When my husband and I divorced I was so scared and stunned and blind-sided that I threw up every day for 6 months. I was panicked. I had a part time job that paid $6.25/hr. How would I take care of myself and my daughter? How did I not see that he was having an affair? This was supposed to be forever, now what?

I have been where you are now. Flash forward 6 years. It's better. A lot better.

Like the proverbial frog in the pot of water, the unhappiness snuck up on me. I didn't realize how unhappy I was, until suddenly, I wasn't anymore. This is a blessing in disguise. Because if he was worthy of you, he never could have left you in such a cowardly way. He's a cheat and he told you over the phone. Wow. Manly.

It won't be easy. Telling him to fuck off and die is not such a bad thing. I had plenty of those rage moments when I wanted to hit mine with something. Preferably something heavy, like my car. But eventually they came fewer and farther between.

It'll be OK. Right now everything is destroyed, true. But every day will bring one tiny little success, and you'll put them together day by day and rebuild your life, and it will be better than it was before.

You've got this. You can do it.

[alarimer]

40. I just don't know how to fill the time

Without thinking about them. He told me that nothing had happened between them yet, but now that I am out of the way, I supposed it will soon.

How can I sit here so miserable, when he is in love again? How can I stop myself thinking of them having sex or doing all the things we used to do? He was just out here and we had a great time and everything seemed normal. I just can't stop thinking about it all.

I have to go to bed; I do have to work in the morning. I just don't know how I'm going to get through the day.

[Chellee]

41. You do know.

You fill it with normalcy.

Just go through the motions for now. If you have to talk your way through everything that's Ok.

So go to bed. Tell yourself to brush your teeth, to lay down, to breathe deeply. And every time your thoughts start to race bring them back to just breathing.

Same thing tomorrow. Get up. Get ready for work. Go to work. Do your job. Just breathe.

Just give yourself permission to get through the next couple of days even if it means not feeling anything right this minute.

Good night.

[raccoon]

47. THis makes me think of 2 suggestions that really help me get through rough times:

Do the next right thing (go to bed, brush your teeth, etc.)

One day at a time.

Sorry this happened to you.

[ArnoldLayne]

52. Sorry I know how much it must hurt, I feel bad for you.

[lastlib]

70. that's why you need a puppy.....

Fill the time with something you love, not dwelling on the douchebag that treated you like an old dog.

[alarimer]

76. Nobody can be sad around a puppy

It's impossible

[HipChick]

42. Hugs...

Sorry this happened to you...Please don't let your self-worth be dependent on someone else

Love yourself...It will shine through

Don't allow your happiness to reside in someone else's hand..

[alarimer]

46. Wow. He's already unfriended me on Facebook

I mean, let the body cool a little bit.

[revolution breeze]

48. My daughter got dumped in a Facebook message

The douchebag then immediately unfriended her, but forgot to defriend her mother.

[LuckyLib]

86. No, This is for the best. Give him no message, no contact, nothing.

No message is a very heavy message. You're moving on, are too good for the likes of him, and are in the process of erasing him from your life. Many of us have been through this, and trust me, you don't want to be involved with anyone who can't sit down, look you right in the eye and tell you how they're feeling. This is so very painful, but each day is a step toward a new and wonderful future. You'll get there, more quickly than you think. Hang in there.

[HopeHoops]

51. I've known the feeling rather well. Try to view it as an opportunity rather than a tragedy.

I got dumped a few times (yes, other guys), but I met my wife in '84 and we've been together since and have three beautiful daughters. None of that would have happened if I hadn't been dumped. Hang in there and keep reminding yourself that you deserve better. It will come along.

[hedgehog]

62. That's a good message to keep in mind.

Better to get dumped now than to get divorced later!

[Baitball Blogger]

55. Long distance romances are the hardest.

If he found someone else, so can you. You may be surprised how much better you feel about yourself when you open up your horizons.

[alarimer]

75. I know. I was worried about it.

He never brought up any concerns over it. Not once. He was always gung-ho and supportive, but maybe it was just an act. Maybe he really wanted my leaving to be the excuse to end things. He just didn't say so at the time.

Come to think of it, I think it is kind of strange he never begged or even asked me to consider turning down the job and staying. I don't know what my decision might have been if he had, but it would have been nice to feel wanted like that.

[Baitball Blogger]

78. It is something that comes from age, but there are some decisions that will occur in your life,

Last edited Thu Oct 11, 2012, 06:42 PM - Edit history (1)

where you'll look back and go, whew! I dodged a bullet. Just wait and see.

[alarimer]

81. I hope so

He's been married twice before. I wonder why he was so eager to it again? He wanted to get married right away. I didn't care if we ever got married. I wouldn't mind living together forever. I don't see what the big deal was and I hate weddings.

So maybe I did dodge a bullet. There's a reason those marriages failed.

[geardaddy]

56. That really sucks.

I'm sorry that happened to you. This sounds contrary to sanity, but just let the feelings flow about how you feel. It'll be over more quickly that way.

And 44 isn't old. My mom's 80 and just met her new guy a couple of years ago.

[TwilightGardener]

58. Well, all you can do is resist the urge to call him ever again, and

get yourself into "fighting form"--new hair, new clothes, gym or bike workout for a toned body, new hobby. Treat yourself well, distract yourself, get through one day at a time, indulge your broken heart and listen to sad music and cry, and then move on to the next day. I too was dumped by the man I wanted to marry, and thought my life was going to be sad and empty forever--it wasn't. Heal and open yourself up to good things in your future. Good luck, many of us have been here.

[alarimer]

60. I need answers though

Where we went wrong, what little signs I might have missed. It's not fair that he can just jump into something else right away without even thinking about how much I hurt. I want to know that he hurts as much as I do. Actually I want to hurt him the way he's hurt me.

[TwilightGardener]

66. I know. I was baffled too, as to why my boyfriend dumped me. He didn't dump me

for someone else, actually--that would have hurt, but at least I would have had some closure. No, for whatever reason, he came to the conclusion that he just didn't want to be with me anymore. That drove me crazy. I did stupid things, in my heartbreak and confusion, in the months following. Things I hate admitting to (though nothing insane, hurtful, or illegal--just things like trying to call him, trying to "run into" him, trying to find out from friends what he was doing and whether he was dating again). We had seen each other almost every day, talked every day, for two years, and then...it was over, and I was suddenly alone, and I had to grieve. And you have to, too. It's like a little death. There is no shortcut and nothing that will heal you other than letting go (including the hope that you can get back together), the passage of time, and a positive attitude about your future. Wanting him to hurt is understandable, but you'll see in time that that attitude only prevents you from moving on--which hurts YOU.

[kwassa]

83. You want answers, but there may be no answers.

I have ended up friends with most of my ex girlfriends, but .....

I got the "let's be friends" phone call out of the blue. I still don't know why that ended.

and fairness has nothing to do with it.

[pipi_k]

59. I've been there...probably most of

us have, and it sucks, but it sucks even more when you don't see it coming.

My first husband did something similar.

We went to a movie, went out for dinner afterward, had a great time.

The next day he moved out.

Stunned is not even adequate to describe how I felt.

This was early 1970s, and in the years gone by I've come to see that maybe it was a way for him to feel less guilty about what he was about to do. He never gave a thought as to how badly it would mess with my head.

When he asked to come back a few months later I said yes.

Of course, a short time later he left again. When he asked to come back a third time (probably because his latest girlfriend kicked him out and he had no place else to go) I said, "Absolutely NOT".

He got married two more times after that and did the same thing. His third wife took him back too many times to count. They were married over 20 years when he passed away. One or the other would leave, then they would get back together. Hey...whatever worked for them, more power to 'em. It just wasn't for me.

anyway, it's hard to believe now, but as sick as you feel now (I always felt like I had gotten hit by a speeding bus) it will pass. This is his issue...not yours. Although if you find yourself getting involved with men who do this sort of thing, you may want to do some personal digging to find out why you're attracted to those men (even on a subconscious level).

So sorry you're hurting now...

[Odin2005]

63. Over the PHONE? What a coward!

I bet he was already fucking the "new girl" when he dumped you!

[alarimer]

65. He says he wasn't and I've never known him to lie.

It is unfair to have someone else waiting in the wings, while I am gutted. I want to know that this meant something to him at least. But by jumping into something, it just makes it seems as if it never happened, as if it didn't mean anything, and that kills me.

[geardaddy]

71. Ugh.

Yes, that's exactly what I thought when I had long-distance relationship that ended with the woman I was seeing dumped me over the phone.

Take care of yourself.

[Populist_Prole]

69. Be strong and don't try to get him back. You'll just injure your pride more

I'm a guy, and I've been dumped a couple of times by women, though in hindsight I did see some "signs" it was coming but I couldn't ( or didn't want to? ) connect the dots. Truthfully, I was just a temporary rebound BF as it turned out.

Though it took me a while to figure it out, I found that it's really simple: Once someone gets it into their mind and you no longer have their heart, their is NOTHING, I repeat, nothing you can do or say to make them want you. That people can make such snap judgments of matters of such gravity is maddening. I was in great physical shape, and other than romantically, I had all my life's ducks in a row as they say.....It was the apogee of my being...and it was all for naught. They didn't give a damn. Looking back I totally cringe now at my pathetic attempts to woo them back and how demeaning it was, and how wimpy vulnerable they must have thought I sounded.

[alarimer]

80. I just wish I had some answers as to why

I hate second-guessing myself.

[RebelOne]

74. I know the feeling.

I was dumped by a boyfriend after a 5-year relationship. I was devastated. It will take time, but you will recover.

[applegrove]

77. Vibes going your way.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

82. Hang in there alarimer. It WILL get better.

[alarimer]

84. Is he ever going to talk to me again?

He's unfriended me on Facebook, not responded to a text or email. I yelled a lot when he called me to tell me we were through, but I'm worried he'll never speak to me again, in any medium. I told him I hoped he died. I wrote to apologize but have heard nothing back.

[TwilightGardener]

85. Maybe, maybe not. But you have no control over that.

You have to accept it and let it go. Don't keep trying to communicate with him. The answers to your questions are in his ACTIONS, and there's nothing you can do about that. All you can control right now is how YOU react--and every time you call him, write, seek answers, and LOSE IT, you are lowering yourself. Treat yourself with pride and respect, and deal with this with as much dignity as you can muster, no matter how sad and lonely you feel right now. You will be glad you did in the months and years to come, instead of cringing with embarrassment at the memory of your own pathetic behavior (Lord, don't I know it).

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

89. Who knows? Whatever you do, though, don't try to contact him.

From hard experience I learned that when these things happen there's not a damn thing you can do except lick your wounds and move on. Do not make the mistake of trying to win him back - it won't work and you'll just feel embarrassed later. This is something else I learned the hard way; 20 years later I still cringe when I think about how I made a pathetic ass of myself trying to lure back the guy who dumped me. That was the last time I ever saw or spoke with him, and once I'd recovered from the humiliation I'd inflicted on myself I was able to accept that he was gone and out of my life for good. Trying to maintain contact with someone who's dumped you does nothing but constantly rub salt in your wounds.

[redqueen]

91. Aw sweetie...

I know it's hard, but try not to think of it.

Try to focus on yourself. You are hurting and you need comfort, but he can't give that to you now.

He knows he hurt you. He was too weak to deal with you like a caring adult should, so I wouldn't expect much better now that he's dealing with the consequences.

I just noticed this thread is old. Sorry for piling on... my heart is so heavy with empathy for you. That's a really rough thing to go through, I hope you're doing ok.

[GoCubsGo]

88. I'm sorry.

His loss.

[redqueen]

90. I'm so, so sorry..

You poor dear... how horrible that he waited to do it over the phone, that he pretended things were fine.
The very idea that people withhold such things from people they claim to care about...

I hope you have someone close to you to lean on. What you must be going through... I'm so, so very sorry.

[mykpart]

92. Where do you live?

I have a son who's single.

[alarimer]

98. North Carolina, now.

Been here about six months. Now I've decided to get out and explore my new home.

I joined a couple of meetup groups, including a kayaking one, but it's a little cold for me, but when it warms up, I'll do some of that.

[tavernier]

93. Call him back.

Tell him you're really sorry about being so mean when you last spoke. Tell him that it was probably because you were feeling a bit guilty since you have been interested in someone else too for some time. Yes, it's a lie, but he's a guy, and regardless of the fact that he is now with a new girlfriend, he will be stewing over you being interested in someone else. Really. He's a guy... it's an ego thing. It won't make any difference, but at least you'll get a bit of your own. Hey, all is fair in love, etc.

And then go out, meet new people, and find that guy who is out there looking for you!

[alarimer]

99. He did email me back.

We both apologized for what we said.

So there is some closure at least.

[LeftofObama]

96. I'm a little late to this thread, but may I throw in my 2 cents?

A few years ago I was going through exactly what you are going through now. I sat down and turned on the tv and my favorite sitcom of all time was on, Frasier.

On this particular episode a caller called in to his show and was grieving over the end of a relationship. She said she had been crying and felt like her life had just stopped and she didn't know what to do. I thought, "Oh my God, that's me!" Well, here was his advise, and in my opinion no truer words were ever spoken, I'll try to explain it the way I understood it:

Many times when we mourn the loss of a relationship it's not the loss of the person that we are mourning. We are mourning the loss of the way we thought things were going to be. For example, You probably had dreams of how things were going to be in the relationship. The house with the white picket fence, two kids, a dog, etc. Well, those plans didn't end, just the person you thought they were going to be with.

I took it to mean that just because one person came close to fulfilling that part of the dream with you doesn't mean that there isn't another person who WILL fulfill that part of the dream with you. Hang in there and hold on to those hopes and dreams. It'll happen, and it'll happen with the RIGHT person!

I hope I made sense in explaining it. It helped get me through the tough times.

[alarimer]

101. That is good advice.

And it's true. I pictured a certain kind of life with him, but I don't think it's the one he wanted to live.

I said elsewhere that he has family obligations that I do not have: his aging mother (I have parents too, but they're not even retired yet), many children and grandchildren. I don't have kids. There are many reasons for that, but mostly because I didn't want those obligations. So the family thing wasn't something I was comfortable with and I never got close to them.

So I know now that whoever it is should be someone in a similar place as I am.

[kwassa]

107. This might be a key.

So the family thing wasn't something I was comfortable with and I never got close to them.

He might have sensed that discomfort, and couldn't reconcile it with his own feelings. His relationship with his children might not be so much an obligation as it might be an important source of meaning for him.

How much older was he?

[alarimer]

108. seven years

Not so much in the scheme of things.

Some of his kids are not very nice people and there was a whole lot of drama and I just couldn't take it.

But I think what it comes down to and why this might be a positive in the end is that my vision of the future and how I want to live my life is altogether different from his.

I never had kids for a reason, or for many reasons actually, but chief among them is the freedom to do what I like and go where I like and not be obligated by family to visit them, instead of somewhere I'd rather be. And I guess that this could not be possible with him.

[kwassa]

109. I think that there is a difference

Having been long-time single, and then long-time childless, and then having a child relatively later than most .... my outlook is totally changed with having children. Not better or worse, just different, and the change is permanent.

You see family as an obligation that you would rather not be involved in. I would never define family first as an obligation as one of it's basic qualities. It is a responsibility, but to me a very rewarding one.

You might do well with another lifetime childless adult. The outlook is fine, just different.

[riderinthestorm]

120. Ah! He has kids, you do not (and don't want to). MUCH clearer!

Your final paragraph is supremely instructive:

"I never had kids for a reason, or for many reasons actually, but chief among them is the freedom to do what I like and go where I like and not be obligated by family to visit them, instead of somewhere I'd rather be. And I guess that this could not be possible with him. "



Alarimer, this is a fundamental divide. You cannot bridge this. ANYONE with children will ALWAYS prioritize their kids (well 99.9% of the time, if they're decent. And if they don't, RUN AWAY!)

You need to recognize this for future relationships and happiness. Its not a "flaw", its just you. But knowing this is essential to a happier future. FWIW, I have a daughter whose very much like you and isn't interested in kids at all. She's found the perfect partner for the past 4 years.

Good luck.

[Mario_Ordinario]

97. Being single is the best

No one nagging you and asking you where you were. No one demanding that you buy them expensive Valentine presents, etc. You're fine.

[alarimer]

100. My family says "Solitude before settling"

It's true.

Not that it would have been settling necessarily, but, looking back, he has family obligations I don't have and I know I resented that sometimes. I'm feeling more charitable towards him now, the anger is mostly gone.

[Iggo]

103. Sorry, kiddo.

[Helen Reddy]

104. Hugs to you.

Any adult human (who is honest) has been through a similar ordeal, or will go through a similar ordeal.

I was dumped in my 20's by who I thought was the smartest, sexiest woman I thought walked this earth! After all these years later, it still stings. Thought I would perish of a broken heart. My current bride of nearly 20 years thanks (her) for dumping me way back when.

It will get better.

[cherish44]

105. My suggestion: If you're not doing so already, start working out

Seriously, those exercise endorphins are not a myth - it's a little hard at first but you'll be feeling so much better about yourself and life in general. I was stagnating in with a guy that I finally realized was going to hit a dead end, and got out. I went from prozac and xanax to healthy and feeling great after only 2 months of regular exercise and cutting the "crap" out of my diet. I exercise 100 % at home. There are free videos online or just buy some at a garage sale. The weight lifting one I have is the best...it's by Joyce Vedral, she was 60 years old when she made the video and she has a better body and more energy than most 25 year olds. (or I hear Paul Ryan has a video...teehee)

[a la izquierda]

112. Don't grovel, and never, ever give up...

From a 35 year old girl who, as an immature kid, dealt some death blows to good relationships.

It'll be okay. Promise.

[GreenPartyVoter]

113. I am so sorry! *hugs*

[blueamy66]

114. Just saw this.

I am sorry.

Sending hugs....

[alarimer]

118. I'm sorry for your experiences

And I do realize it could be much worse.

I am mindful of the fact that other people have had worse things happen to them.

[discntnt_irny_srcsm]

121. Sounds like...

...you are better off without him. A while back some friends of mine got divorced after being married about 12 years. They remained basically friendly. Then more recently and at about the same time they both had some financial trouble and decided to move in together to save money. After a bit I asked Bill if they were going to remarry his answer was, "Sure, right after I have the doctor put those kidney stones back in."

You learned about your ex before you married. That's a plus. It also sounds like you learned about yourself. That's even better. Explore your friendships IRL. Develop some new pursuits. It sounds like you have supportive friends here on DU. You'll be fine.

[RedCloud]

122. Maybe this song will help you through