My (just) 16 year old daughter has been invited to sing the lead vocals for a band

[riderinthestorm]

I've written about her before. Massively talented. Great voice.

Huge substance abuser. She started sneaking out to underage drinking parties, prostituting herself for drugs, selling drugs at school at 14 years old. She's already been through rehab. Twice.

I've lurked on her Facebook page (sorry DU scolds but this kid has forfeited ANY right to privacy long ago) and these guys are typical punks - heavy drinking and drugs. I've gone to listen to them and they are actually pretty good with a lot of original stuff BUT this kind of environment scares the shit outta me.

She thinks I am being a total bitch even telling her I need to think about her doing this for a few days. Please know she regularly threatens to run away. She's drug tested and so far she's clean. She's no longer allowed to drive my car so my permission is required so she can at least get to practices on a regular basis (I'd drive her).

I have zero experience with the "indie band scene". Advice? Anyone?

[nolabear]

1. I'd be extremely wary. She's under age. She's vulnerable. She's unhappy.

Were she to run away and join this band you have every right to have them arrested. Her sobriety is at stake. If whe were to perform with them it should be done with chaperone. No club in its right mind would hire her as an underage perfprmer without parental consent, and again, you have the right to make sure that doesn't happen.

If this means something to her then I'd say you have the opportunity to support her if she performs and practices under supervision and doesn't hang out and party afterward. If it's ABOUT pretending she doesn't have a problem and partying you'll know soon enough.

Hang in there. It's a tough road with a kid who fights so hard to self destruct, but I know that doesn't mean she's not a great kid and I hope she (and you) makes it.

[TeamPooka]

2. the indie band scene is not good for her. Huge amounts of drugs and alcohol around

I've been there and was lucky to get out.
but I knew guys were not and went to jail or dies.
When she's 18 she can choose the life knowing there are a lot of people who are there to take advantage of her.

[Tsiyu]

3. It might be risky

unless you were too involved, which defeats the purpose.

If you take this "prize" away, then it might not be a bad idea to have something to trade. Maybe an instrument/lessons?

Voice lessons?

Music software? You can take her to a low-cost concert series...or look into music programs and how she might qualify for scholarships.

Times are tight, but having something to call her own - and to throw her young self at - is exactly what she needs to stay out of trouble.

My .02 which could be absolutely worthless

[riderinthestorm]

4. She's already taking weekly voice lessons. She dropped her instrument when she got to high school

way too "uncool" she said. So we subbed in voice lessons instead. Her voice coach LOVES her. She really is amazing. She has ALL the music software at home that she could ever desire - she ignores it.

I'm hugely interested in what you think might be "something to call her own"? That's her "language" exactly. These guys in the band are the only ones on the whole planet who "get her" (her words )

Mom hanging around practices is my only compromise I believe. That would be entirely unacceptable for her but I can't see dropping her off into what looks like sure fire self-destruction...

I feel very boxed in and helpless. The "band scene" looks pretty druggy imho. We're atheists or I'd try to steer her into the Christian rock scene (is that less druggy?!)

I've never been in a band, or a groupie. I don't want to be judgmental, nor do I want to close off options for her but this worries me on many levels.

[Tsiyu]

6. I think you are more than supportive

given all that you're providing.

If it's really about "the music," then the band situation can wait.

As for "something to call her own" I was thinking of music, or some other interest or hobby, which most kids get at some point.

Nothing more or less than that. Some kids never find anything.

But with her, you have gone above and beyond the call of duty. Her music is her something, and she has a lifetime to find bands to join.

She has to understand her past lack of judgment is limiting her present freedom, while still being allowed small bits of freedom to practice not fucking up. It's hard, and my heart goes out to you. She wants to be grown up all at once, and she has already practiced the darker side of that.

Go with your gut anyway; you know her better than anyone.

She is lucky she has a mom who cares.

[femmocrat]

11. That is exactly what I was going to recommend...

Last edited Thu Nov 22, 2012, 11:37 PM - Edit history (1)

Go to every practice and performance if it kills you. Once the battle is over about actually joining this group, she just might lose interest.

Or let them practice at your house. She needs supervision with her history, but at the same time you have to let her pursue her talent.

Best wishes to you both.

[Joe Shlabotnik]

5. Thats a tough one.

Your fears about the scene are justifiable. I started playing in bands around 15, and before we were 18 we were the house band at a seedy bar. The drugs, booze, sex, cigarette smoking, late nights, pressure to do crazy stuff and pressure/desire to play gigs out of town is very real.

Conflict with my parents (over everything), and a craving for attention escalated my bad behaviour, and thats beside the fact that my parents had already sort of given up on me by that point.

The thing is, if you flat out say 'no' what will she do instead. Can you even realistically stop her? If workable, Tsiyu's post above is the best course of action.

[AverageJoe90]

7. I'm honestly not sure what to tell you.

I sympathize with both of you, TBH. If anything, try Tsiyu's advice and see what works.

[wyldwolf]

8. Very tough decision

I sang in a band back in the 80s during my teens - and I was generally a good kid - but my parents were petrified over the potential for drugs and alcohol to the point they refused to let me play in bars.

Being that my entire family is a musical one - both on my side and my wife's side - I can really identify with your issue.

Many kids get into your daughter's situation because they're bored or need some meaning in their lives. My gut says let her do it. It may be what she needs to straighten up. But strike a deal with her - a curfew and one screw up and she's done.

[HopeHoops]

9. She'll go her own way no matter what you do. Give her support and MOST OF ALL...

... let her know that no matter what happens, she's always got a home to come back to. The worst thing you can do is alienate her, and trust me, you can't change her mind or her behavior. And who knows - maybe she'll be the next Pat Benatar.

My youngest decided she hated living here and moved in with my dad for her senior year. We signed over custody rights (well, it's joint). She's not into drinking or drugs, and certainly not sex (yet), but she just wasn't happy. She's home for Thanksgiving and totally happy now. We did the right thing. She'll be going back on Sunday. The thing that finally got to us is an old saying... "If you love something, set it free..."

Just give her a hug and tell her you love her. She'll come around. What she needs now is your support and confidence in her. Lead singer for a band is NOT an easy gig to score. That shows ambition.

[Odin2005]

10. Keep her away from them. These idiots sound like bad news.

She already has a history of drug abuse and sexual exploitation, and the Indie Rock scene is awash in drugs and misogyny

[kurtzapril4]

15. Funny.

I was in the indie rock scene for years, toured, played in bars....and I saw some drinking and pot smoking, but no mysogyny, and I would know, I'm a female bass player.

The only mysogyny I ever experienced was from metal dudes, and not all of them were like that, either.

If the girl isn't ready to be sober, there is no way in hell you can keep her sober, save locking her in a room and sliding her food in through a slot.

[OriginalGeek]

17. Off topic but that is way cool.

One of my favorite bands has a female bassist - Jo Bench of Bolt Thrower is fantastic.

[TwilightGardener]

12. Are these peers, or are these considerably older men?

If they're her age and/or classmates, maybe you could just keep an eye on things. If they're men in their 20's, they have no GOOD reason to want a 16 year old girl as a singer. Warning bells should be going off--that's inappropriate.

[riderinthestorm]

13. 16 - 21 years old. They all went to/go to the same high school as she does.

She was the lead in this summer's community theater musical "Cinderella" so they know her and/or have seen her. There's 5 of them in the band and one of the guitarists/other lead vocalist is in her grade level at school - 16 and a sophomore. Most of the others have graduated so they are 19 - 21.

I'm leaning towards doing it but continuing in my role as "chief bitch mom" and babysitting (dammit) at every rehearsal.

If they think she's that good, and they really are serious about making it in this biz, then my presence sitting there with a book shouldn't deter them right?

[TwilightGardener]

14. That doesn't sound too bad, then. Yep, if it's all about the

music, they shouldn't mind you hanging around. If it's about fun-n-games and stupid shit, you'll know soon enough.

[kurtzapril4]

16. 1 good reason....

She may have an incredible voice. They might want to have an excellent singer. Not all musicians are perverts.

[TwilightGardener]

18. They'd have to be pretty upstanding individuals for me to trust a

group of grown men alone with a sixteen-year-old girl for extended periods of time, and in possibly seedy places like bars. They can find another ADULT singer, really. A band made of kids close in age makes more sense.

[kurtzapril4]

20. Whatever.

I was playing in bands when I was 16, and the guys in the band PROTECTED me. I'll repeat...not all musicians are perverts.

[TwilightGardener]

21. Didn't say they were. Just that I wouldn't let my

kid hang out with grown men unless I really knew the men well and trusted them not to drink, do drugs, or try to take advantage of my kid.

[Kali]

19. if it about the music she/they will put up with your supervision

if it is about screwing around she will be on to the next scam soon enough. may I suggest a time line and various goals for your supervision - say at some point down the road if no violations of trust have occurred, you will back off on the obvious presence at practices etc.

youngest son has a freind in a metal band, he is a good kid but prone to all the things young folks can get mixed up in, been in a fair amound of minor troubles, wrecked vehicles etc etc. parents attend shows and all seems to be going better now. Hope this can work out for both of you.

[Chan790]

22. As someone who was the kid doing those things at 15...

I'd say that if you try to forbid her, you're going to create more problems than you can probably solve with an adult conversation...especially if she has a history or threatens to run-away. Step out of the parental role for the length of the conversation and talk to her like an adult...you really have a bit under two years left before she disappears to college and you're going to have to trust her to make good life decisions while worrying that she's not. Giving her the opportunity to show that she's capable of maturity and learning from her past errors will do a lot to ease your mind going forward, help your relationship immensely and even better prepare her for adulthood.

So...sit her down and tell her why you're concerned. Don't lecture, don't argue, hear her, have a dialogue without authority disparity; tell her that it's her decision and because it's her decision, she's responsible for the consequences of that decision. Tell her that you're not going to be mad if she gets herself into a bad situation but you're going to be mad if she doesn't display the maturity to be able to call you or someone else for help. Let her know that if she gets herself into something she can't deal with or even if she f**ks up that she can call you.

Edit: Also, invite her band-mates over. Get to know them. It will put your mind at ease to know who these people are. Have a BBQ or something and invite them over to get to know them as people. Make connections...you probably have something in common and if you do have concerns down the road, it's easier to initiate the "is my daughter getting into trouble I need to be concerned about?' conversation with a non-stranger.

I can't say I never f**ked up, I had a relapse of my alcoholism in my 20s. (The hubris of thinking I had gained the maturity to moderate my drinking.) I can't say that I didn't get in over my head, I can't say that I didn't do things I regret or knew I should not have. I can say that it was my parent's ability to trust me and treat me like an adult that kept me out of a gutter and away from unwanted-parenthood as ultimately it was my ability to frankly communicate with my parents as adults that got us past it all.

As for the music scene, I've worked in it. It can be problematic, but there are mitigation there and you actually have a card to play there that you don't realize. If they're really serious about being professional musicians, it's actually harder to succeed if you're constantly drunk off your ass or fucking around...it's hard to practice and be good enough to be a professional. Yes, there are famous musicians on drugs and living party lifestyles...it's less common than you'd think, a lot of that is manufactured publicity to keep their names in the tabloids and style sections. There are a lot of musicians that are only in it for the sex and drugs...they don't go very far professionally typically. More common is the musician that gets into trouble after they make it famous because they're unsavvy and tend to trust the wrong people.

So what is this card that you have at your disposal? It's easier for you, an adult with maturity and business experience, to do the legwork to get them bigger and more prestigious stages, meetings with the "right" people, to identify the right resources to advance them professionally, etc. (you'll have to do some work to learn the local scene and venues) than it is for them...promoters and venues hate dealing with young musicians: there's a lot of terms and contracts and logistics and work involved. Having worked for a venue, I don't want to talk to some 22 year drummer, I want to talk to some 35-50yo who is going to answer the phone when I call them and answer my questions with the right answers, capable of coordinating their publicity, turning out a crowd, knows exactly what their needs are days in advance of the gig and who I can trust on terms. I'd rather book less talented 30 year olds for twice the money than deal with teenage bands. If I have a fairly big band coming through town and I need an opener...I'm booking the one that has an adult running their business, even if that adult is not a professional manager because they're less likely to be making more work for me.