Went through a whole bunch of photos

[nobodyspecial]

and I could see exactly at what point my life fell apart. Anyone else ever have this kind of epiphany?

[seabeyond]

1. no, not like that and not with photos

i did have an epiphany that changed my life, who i am though, about 2000. was a four year journey.

very interesting experience for you. i hope there is healing.

maybe by starting with your name.... specialme

[nobodyspecial]

4. I'm working on the healing

The hole got pretty deep, though.

[seabeyond]

19. the best to you

sincerely

[freshwest]

2. My life has fallen apart so many times that I'm bent over from picking up the pieces. But, yeah.

Don't beat yourself up over it, though.

[nobodyspecial]

5. I'm not beating myself up over it

And I'm all cried out. It was more like a detached, reflective journey.

This ain't my first rodeo, either. I just had been happier than I had ever been and had it fall apart, completely out of my control. I've rebuilt before. I'm just so tired and this was the worst -- and longest -- yet.

[freshwest]

9. I can't say it's going to get any easier.

[nobodyspecial]

12. Yeah, but since I've decided to climb back out of the pit

each day is getting better.

[freshwest]

20. I had a friend of mine who shared a progress story about 'the pit.'

Started out, like this. Kinda tedious and repetitious, but we just kept doing the same things over and over again.

I think one word picture to explain what was happening was a person falling off a building, trying to change their clothes in midflight. Not that easy when life is going fast.

Anyway, here's 'The Pit':

'I was walking down the road minding my own business, and whoop I'm down in this pit. I don't know how or why I got down here. No one helps me to get out. I am angry and hurt. But it's only me that can get me out and I know that. Still, it takes me along time to get out and I trip and keep sliding down again. It seems like it's going to take forever to get out of here.

The next day, I walk along the street and see the pit and inspect it. I trip and fall in. No one helps me to get out. I am angry and hurt. But it's only me that can get me out and I know that. Still, it takes me a long time to get out.

The next day, I walk down the road again and the pit is there. I stay as far away as I can, but I'm afraid and uncertain. I accidently fall in, etc.

The next day, I walked down a different street.'

If 'the law of attraction' thing is true, we draw to ourselves the experiences that mirror our true inner selves, the part of us that we may not admit that we have, or don't know. Not what we think we want, not just what is good for us and makes us happy and content.

So we keep on bringing in bad things. I've had to acknowledge the things in my life that made me attract things. When I expected a negative outcome, I was never disappointed.

When I told myself everything was going to be different and pleasant, and acted that way, it didn't negate my deeply held feelings that bad stuff was just my destiny.

In some ways, if this idea holds true, we got exactly what we wanted to validate our inner belief system. Then when it happened, it still hurt, but we did it and it was own creation. A really disturbing thought, but it can be empowering. I can't speak for anyone else.

IDK if any of that is true. But I have come to believe it a bit and work to have that outcome, but from within. It is wise for you to reflect on this. I'm sorry for what you've lost.

[PETRUS]

3. Are you whole again yet?

[nobodyspecial]

6. No, but I'm done wallowing

and working on it again. I just gave up for awhile.

[PETRUS]

8. Hang in there.

Been destroyed myself, but now better than ever. So keep in mind things can turn out ok.

[nobodyspecial]

11. Thanks

It's not the first time. It's all compounded by depression, obviously, and I've been on and off meds. Weaned off again because I was only masking, not moving through it, kind of like a foggy cloud. I'm having more clarity and pushing myself more. Even just talking about it anonymously on a message board is a huge step.

I know it can get better. Only thing that keeps me going. I just hope it's soon.

[PETRUS]

16. Seek what you need.

Everyone's different. In my opinions, meds are a mixed bag. What helped me the most are the same kinds of things that make life good even when I'm happy. Friends are maybe #1. I also like to do things that can function as a distraction but make me feel like I'm improving myself somehow. Studying something, practicing my instrument, playing sports, etc.

[nobodyspecial]

17. I'm basically an isolationist

And being around people makes things worse for me. But I am back to exercising and that always helps immensely. And once winter is over... It was totally like a switch went off at the end of September.

[Xipe Totec]

7. Photos? Not as such.

All the photos, I returned. That was in 1977. It has been downhill from there.

[nobodyspecial]

14. Wow

Now that's a long slide. How are you still hanging on?

[Xipe Totec]

15. If you knew who it was, you would fall in love as well

She is a champion.

A world champion now, in every sense of the word.

And when she was 16, I was the center of her universe.

And I had to tear my heart to shreds to walk away.

[nobodyspecial]

18. Your tale sounds much more poetically sad than mine

Do you want to move on from that?

[Xipe Totec]

22. Check your PM.

[handmade34]

10. epiphany?

oh so many of them... sometimes it seems every morning is a new attempt... nobodyspecial, it is all copasetic, yes??

[nobodyspecial]

13. Yeah, no need to alert the suicide hotline or anything.

The fact that I'm even talking about it -- even if it is to strangers -- is a sign that I'm already getting better. It's the silence and getting stuck in your own head that's the scary stuff.

[RainDog]

21. LOL. yes.

and other than that... no comment.

[PassingFair]

23. No, but my baby brother once claimed that my evil grandmother PUSHED him in the receiving line....

at my cousin's wedding.


Everyone thought he had exaggerated.

Months later, we were forced to watch slides of the wedding, and sure enough,
in SIX OR SEVEN pictures, taken one after another of people greeting the happy
couple, you can see, in stop motion, my AWFUL grandmother FULL-ON SHOVING
my brother out of the way to get to the groom.

Stop action of my brother's shocked face as he is almost pushed down the
church stairs, and of the adoring crazed fan-like expression on my grandmother's
face as she attempted to reach her other grandchild.



My OTHER brother had unwittingly captured the whole thing on film!



This is the SAME grandmother who lifted my husband's kilt with her cane
at MY wedding the year before.....

[nobodyspecial]

24. Sounds like quite a woman

Thanks for the smile.

[PassingFair]

25. She was a scourge!

I hope you can get your mojo back!

[Populist_Prole]

26. Never cared for my appearrance under the age of 18 or so.

If I bring home a prospective wife to my parents I'm going to have to first destroy old photos and home movies.