Thanks to my friends and supporters for everything, but I too think it's time to walk away from DU.

[Denninmi]

As many of you may know, I took a big step last Friday and "came out" about my recently psychiatric break and my resulting admission into a psychiatric day program in a thread right here in the DU lounge. Until then, I had only discussed openly and in detail my problems on the DU Mental Health Support group, where a very small but wonderful group of amazing, kind, and compassionate people threw me a lifeline and talked me through one of the worst experiences of my life. I had made allusions here in the Lounge about things, but couldn't quite find the courage within myself to really open up about this until last Friday morning.

It was a rough thing for me to accept that I am "mentally ill" and I still feel that it is degrading to be perceived as "crazy" just because I have bipolar II. Yes, I admit, because of this condition, I do have periods of intense emotion, usually in the form of doom and gloom, but I have always had a firm grasp on reality, I don't exactly run around Metro Detroit having visions and thinking I'm Napolean or things along those lines. And other than being ultra-stressed out, unable to sleep, and emotionally drained during this incident, I am completely functional in the real world, just like anyone else, I get up, go to work, come home, tend to the housework, walk the dog, pay my bills, pay my taxes, whatever needs to be done.

So, I "came out" Friday morning to my fellow Loungers, and felt pretty good about it. Everyone was kind and gracious, and that helped me overall to feel better about this entire mess. When this all happened back in August, I felt like I had been given a death sentence, because in my own mind, I equated mental illness with the homeless street people I see milling about in front of the local homeless shelter as I drive by, or with the images I remember from seeing 'One Flew Over The Cookoo's Nest" years ago, and I thought those dark places were my only possible futures. It was rough at first, but lately I have really picked up the pieces and gotten back to a "normal" life, yet one with a lot more hope, potential, and happiness than before this happened.

Bad timing. Who knew, certainly not I, that at almost the same time as I made my post last Friday, a disturbed young man 800 miles away in small-town Connecticut would unleash a tragedy upon the nation of epic proportions by senselessly slaughtering the most innocent among us and the dedicated souls that worked to educate them?

No one in the Lounge has been anything less than wonderful to me, but on the wider DU continuum, it rapidly became very ugly and hurtful towards people, anyone, with any kind of mental health issue. Those of us with these conditions were declared guilty by association of being a danger to society along the lines of this latest shooter, or the ones such as Jared Loughner who killed 6 and almost killed Gabby Giffords almost 2 years ago now. Every major forum on DU has been filled with thread after thread speculating about the role mental illness has played in these too numerous mass shootings. And that brought out the cranks and crazies, particularly the gun fanatics who were all too eager to try to shift the discussion of the tragedy away from the fact that America, unlike any other first world democratic society, is armed to the teeth, and blame anyone and everyone with any kind of mental health issue for these killings. Guilt by Association.

I personally have been told in posts that I should have to wear a modern day scarlet letter to identify myself to the public as someone with a mental health issue, that I should be required to be registered in state and national criminal police databases in the same way that sex offenders are, that the authorities should have the right to force me to move out of my home if I lived within a certain distance of places where children are, that as someone with a mental health issue I'm predisposed to violence, that as a white male from an upper middle class suburb I am especially predisposed to becoming another spree killer, that the medication I take to control the emotional roller coaster of bipolar is at best ineffective but that I could cure myself by thought if only I wanted too, even that I and all people with mental health issues should be permanently locked up to prevent future tragedies, that I am some kind of sponge off of the working taxpayers and I should get a job and pay for my own healthcare and insurance, even though I've held full time jobs continuously since 1987 and do currently pay for my Blue Cross coverage since my employer doesn't provide insurance, an especially ironic comment since I was sitting at my desk at work when I read it. You get the picture. Second class citizen at best.

When this happened to me in August, I honestly thought about driving into some massive heavy object at 90 MPH and effectively ending my problems, but I couldn't do that to my family. So, I endured the most terrifying, degrading, dehumanizing experience of my life. Somehow, I got through it, day by day, and I saw things there that really terrified me and made me come to realize that I had to turn this whole thing around and make dramatic positive changes in my life if I wanted to survive. Which I have been working my absolute hardest to do. And I have been trying to come to terms with myself and what happened so I don't walk around all day every day feeling like a failure in life, like damaged goods, like so much human trash destined for the garbage pile. It's been a struggle, but until I found out on Saturday just how stigmatized and looked down upon people with mental illness are in our society, I was feeling a lot better about things all around, like life held the promise of god things in my future. Now, I'm not so certain, and those old feelings of despair are beginning to come back, and I don't want any part of that.

I think I need to escape this present reality and live for a while in a very, very small world of work, home, family, and friends so that all of the hate and cruelty I have seen right here on DU, which surely is a reflection of the attitudes of the wider society, doesn't crush my spirit back down into some very dark places.

I really need to thank all of you for the kindness you have shown me, it has meant the world to me. Some of you in particular have touched my heart in ways you probably didn't even realize -Aristus, a kind, gentle soul who stood up for me one day in one thread when I really needed it; California Peggy and Elleng who have been like cyberspace "second moms" to me; Fizzgig who has always been a friend through this; the immortal MiddleFingerMom who could always make me laugh even on my worst days; and especially two of the finest men I have ever met, Tobin and HereSince1628, both of whom have talked me down off the ledge so many times I've lost count. I know there are others of you, too, that I am forgetting right now, but I am a little too upset to remember every name right now.

I really need to step away from a place that has felt like home for something like 5 years, because I just can't deal with the hurtful, malicious, painful things that are said and attitudes that are held by a small fringe group of fanatics who, quite frankly, based on their comments, are probably far more emotionally disturbed and far less anchored in objective reality than I ever was even in my worst days. I'm sure I'll be back when I am stronger emotionally or when I have learned to focus on the 99% of humanity that is filled with good, and disregard the 1% that seems to live to do evil in the world.

I wish you all Peace, Love, and Happiness.

[Fearless]

1. Take a break and come back if you're willing later.

Don't burn bridges, imho.

[hlthe2b]

2. I'm really sorry for what you and others here have been experiencing...

While I realize you may have made your decision and may not wish to reconsider, I do want to point out that MIRT PPRs of newly arrived posters (i.e., malicious intruders)-- attracted to the gun and related debates is at an all time high.

It is extremely likely that the majority of the attitudes expressed, the intolerance, the indefensibly abusive posts founded in extreme ignorance, were posted by these newly arrived posters intent on disrupting. The worst of these are being weeded out as quickly as your DU colleagues on MIRT and juries--and admins--can do so. It will get better. This too shall pass.

I hope you and others feeling similarly reconsider, but know that there are many many here who will defend you and wish you nothing but good health and happiness.

[raccoon]

3. Sounds like a break might be a good idea for you right now.

Anyway, I thank you for sharing.

Have a great holiday!

[HappyMe]

4. This makes me sad.

I can understand why you want to step away though. Please come back when you are ready, as you will be missed.

Enjoy the holidays. I wish you peace and continued healing.

[MrMickeysMom]

5. What's the harm in just "taking a break"?

Really...

I would be willing to bet that everyone, if identified at some point in their life wasn't "mentally ill". Those who say, "not me", IMO are probably deceiving themselves.

I expect you'll find cruelty here and wherever you go to congregate and take discussion in the big themes of life, but please don't think you should leave DU for good.

Just take a break.

Peace be with you... MMM

[lunatica]

6. Thank you for your eloquence

What you've written needed to be said. There is a lot of needless cruelty on DU sometimes, and you show us how it should be dealt with. You are strong and a fighter and intelligent. The Sandy Hook murders have brought out a tremendous amount of rage which so many find easy to express by lashing out with cruel and unjust accusations. I think sometimes people fear to grieve so much that they hide behind anger as their way to deal with things they can't control. For many people mental illness is a weapon they use to blame and condemn harshly with very little understanding of what it is.

I think you're showing a great deal of practical and healthy thinking by choosing not to be abused.

And I agree with your assessment of the fine people who have helped you. They've helped me too and I am quite grateful for them.

[AnotherMcIntosh]

7. Very thoughtful and well said.

In my opinion, you have not only thought about the problem but your decision is consistent with your values.

IMO, you should do what you want to do regardless of what that is. Once you've made your decision, and it sounds like you have, you should not be confused by the well-wishes of others who want you to take a different tack. Some have advised "take a break." But that only works if the meanness and hatefulness will subside. What are the odds of that happening? I suggest that they are slim to none. The mean-spirited comments and insults are increasing. DU has changed so that it is difficult, and sometimes impossible, to have a discussion without attracting the mean and hateful comments of some.

"Taking a break" will likely be the wrong decision if it is going to pull you back in and be contrary to what you want to do. One way to achieve happiness is to adopt a philosophy of "No regrets." It's not my position to tell you what to do. I only suggest that you will be happier if, once you've made a decision based upon your values, you stick with it.

Walk away, if you want, without regrets. And without second thoughts. Do other things with your time consistent with your values. Life is short. Never miss an opportunity to otherwise have fun.

Regards,

[BigDemVoter]

8. I'm so sorry

After working in the healthcare field for many, many years, I would challenge anybody to say they haven't either suffered from some form of mental illness, either depression or something else, OR have had a family member do so. . .

Mental illness is so common, yet it is STILL stigmatized unfairly. I would encourage you to remain a member of DU and not allow any "yahoos" to run you out. Sure there are some assholes around here, but I suspect that most DU members would be supportive and understanding.

Nonetheless, I wish you the best and hope you get some relief soon. It can really be awful, as I've seen it up close with many of the people I've taken care of.

On edit: I've committed the classic mistake of telling you what I think you shoud do. Let's just say that you know yourself best, and I STILL hope you feel better soon.

[nolabear]

23. + a billion and one.

[siligut]

25. Seriously, where does this black and white thinking come from?

I agree and because of this, I want to say to Denninmi the same thing. Take a break, Denninmi, get this all settled in your own mind and then come back.

[midnight]

9. K&R Paul Wellstone believed that people with mental illness should have access to the same

health care dignity as any one who might have a broken arm or cancer. But obviously some take their cue from this pile on mentality that believes it's ok to dump every wrong into the lap of the mentally ill because they are some how less and deserving of it... The same way the rich attack mother's on welfare...


Take some time to heal....

[freshwest]

39. +1

[dawg]

10. I understand, but I'll miss your posts.

Come back as soon as you are able.

[GoCubsGo]

11. I look forward to the day when you come back.

I hope it's soon. I understand why you want to leave. Parts of this place have gotten unbearable lately. I wish you'd stick around and just hang out here in the Lounge, instead of leaving altogether. But you gotta do what you gotta do. Take care of yourself, and come back soon. We'll miss you here.

[sweetNsassy]

12. Please understand this.

Perhaps due to your mental illness, or perhaps not, your post shows a gentle calmness and clarity that is rarely found on this earth. It takes an almost super-human strength to be mentally ill in today's society. You have that strength. You have that clarity. I am deeply moved by your forthrightness, and I know that you will do more than survive, you will prosper in a way that not many of us will be able to. You are a gift to this world, and your friends and family are damn lucky to have you. Stand tall, and stand proud.

[tallahasseedem]

48. That was very nice sweetNsassy!

Welcome to DU!

[sweetNsassy]

55. Thank you!

[In_The_Wind]

13. Come back when you feel ready.

[img][/img]
The door to The Lounge is always open.

[ismnotwasm]

14. Take a break

I've done that, and will do it again.

DU is just a discussion board full of good people, and some not so good. I'm sorry about your experiences and wish you nothing but wonderful things in your life.

[easttexaslefty]

15. It's a shame that the advocacy work

falls to the mentally ill, after all we are a fragile group, (generally) it does.
Who else but us can speak of our isolation, our fight, our pain?
Your diagnosis is relatively new and ( hopefully an not over-stepping bounds) seem to feel shame about your illness.
There may come a time that you put that down.
There are many misconceptions about the mentally ill. Many are uneducated about the subject. It is left to us, that are able, to teach them.

[LiberalEsto]

16. Wishing you the best, Denninmi

It sounds like you are doing the right thing for you at this time, but I will miss you on DU. But taking care of yourself is the most important thing, especially at this time. I hope you will come back.

I don't know why people on DU dumped on you so horribly, but I would not be surprised if some of them were trolls. It sounds like some of these people should be PPR'd. This should not have happened to you.

For what it's worth, I've been dealing with mental health issues myself (depression) and in my family for many years. I find public attitudes about mental illness to be absolutely barbarian and based on fear and ignorance. A couple of years ago I told our church congregation that I was going through severe depression, partly from being unemployed for a long time. Not one person in this supposedly enlightened Unitarian Universalist congregation has contacted me to see how I've been doing. Last month I left that congregation and started going to another UU church in the area.

Good luck with everything and please keep in touch!
LE

[Riftaxe]

17. Best wishes

and bipolar does not make you different! just means you have an edge on seeing our world in a different way!

[Saboburns]

18. Salaam Aleikum

People are uncaring mostly. I, too, have been aghast over this website and the posts therein. I mean I have been deeply disappointed. Things I have jearned here:

Anybody who has ever owned a gun is a gun nutter who is to be blamed, and has blood on their hands.

Anybody who has a mental illness is a dangerous, dangerous threat to the rest of us.

The mom was a rich survivalist wacko, who owned so many guns she must be a Republican and so she got was coming to her.

So I just remain disappointed in us. I'm sure you feel ostracized. Go in Peace.

[Aristus]

19. It's been good knowing you. I hope you will return.

You'll always have at least one friend here, man. Guaranteed.

Peace and joy go with you...

[MrScorpio]

20. Take care of yourself, man. We'll be here when you're ready nt

[Baitball Blogger]

21. I know what you mean. When they go into frenzy over a "topic of the day" it's like watching a hungry

pitbull refusing to let go of a bone.

Come back when it's over.

[nolabear]

22. Oh Honey I'm sorry. Please take the words of a famous psychiatrist with you.

Harry Stack Sullivan, who knew a whole hell of a lot more than the assholes on DU who use anonymity to flout their ignorance and fear, said something that I have, as a therapist and as a person, know is true. "We are all simply more human than otherwise." They don't want to recognize that, but as another wise and famous man said, "There's nothing you can do that can't be done."

Go and be well, and if you feel like coming back know that you are respected and appreciated for who you are.

[Bake]

24. Peace, love, and happiness to you, denninme!

Most of all, peace.

Take a break from this place, and when it feels right, drop back by. You do not need to wear a scarlet letter! Surround yourself with people who love you, and most of all, be well.

Those of us who wish the best for you will still be here. Try not to stay gone too long.



Bake

[libodem]

26. I don't want to see you leave us

Even for a break but trust your instincts. You know what is best for your own protection. Makes me kind of mad that something violent and abusive like gun nuts get to have their way and some one sensitive and gentle gets pushed aside. It's as if the instigator can yell louder and talk faster, point more fingers, assign more blame, and deflect attention from the real problem, and get the victim in trouble. Fucking bastards.

Realize we like you and care about your welfare. Christmas holiday adds at least 25 extra stress points to an already overloaded system. Are you sure you won't need us?

[Still Blue in PDX]

27. I know how you feel.

Although I've not been personally attacked there are a lot of attacks on people who fit my demographics, i.e., depressed, overweight pit bull owner who on occasion breastfed in public. And I even spanked my kids once or twice. It's hard not to take it personally.

DU can be a rough place. I've been feeling sorry for myself for being one of those invisible weird loners, but maybe an invisibility cloak isn't all bad.

I've read your posts in the mental health support group and look forward to hearing from you again. Take care.

[fizzgig]

28. i'll be sad, but we all need a break from time to time

i talked with my psych a bit about this yesterday and how i'm feeling a bit beat up right now. he knows as well as i do that we're not all violent and it was good to get it off my chest.

you have been knee deep in the shit standing up for me and everyone else here with a mental illness. we're not mentally ill, we have illnesses.

be good to yourself and we'll leave the light on

[hunter]

29. You've spoken for many good people here on DU. I look forward to your return.

Enjoy this time away from DU, and best wishes to you.

[rurallib]

30. you got to do what you feel is right, but we will miss you

If you have to leave, at least you are leaving as a friend.
And as with any friend, the door is always open, especially here in the Lounge.
MFM lost the key.

[plcdude]

31. Okay

so we will see you later. Hang in there.

[murielm99]

32. It makes me sad to see the mentally ill leaving here.

You are not the only one going.

I hope you come back from your break, renewed and ready to add your needed voice to this place.

DU does get nasty and obsessive when something like this happens. I am sorry.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

33. My dear Denninmi...

You know you need to take care of yourself, before anything else. But know this: I will miss you terribly. My only hope is that you'll heal and recover, and then return...

I have enjoyed your posts so much, and talking with you here has been joyful for me. Thank you too for letting me be your "second mom" along with Elleng...That means a lot!

I hope your holidays are joyful!

I will look for you, some sweet day...

[WillyT]

41. What CaliforniaPeggy Said !!!

Please... take a break... a breath... then come back...

Let me know if somebody bothers you, and I will sic Skittles on their asses.

[Jim Lane]

34. Thanks for pointing this out.

You refer to "the 1% that seems to live to do evil in the world." On that point I disagree with you. Most of what you've described isn't malevolence, but ignorance and carelessness.

It can't be denied that some people with mental illnesses are at increased risk for becoming violent and posing a danger to themselves or others. Under the shock of an event like Newtown, it's regrettable but understandable that many reactions would focus exclusively on that subgroup. The result is comments that use the term "mentally ill" in ways that are properly applicable to only a minority of the people who meet that description. People in your situation are like American Muslims after 9/11.

Your post is a very effective rebuttal of this error. It won't help with regard to people who actually "live to do evil," but I believe that to be a small number. I myself haven't posted anything along the lines of what you've described, but I have sometimes thought about "mentally ill" in this overly broad way, and I'll keep your post in mind as a useful correction. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

The accident of timing led to a bad experience for you, but it might mean that, in the long run, your "coming out" was even more beneficial than it otherwise would have been.

Like everyone else, I look forward to your return. Until then, happy holidays!

[Texasgal]

35. I am sorry that you have had to go through all of this..

I wish you well.. Please take a break and come back, sometimes we all need to.

[riderinthestorm]

36. I've been on those threads Denninmi. I was horrified at the tone and attitudes

I tried to keep up with them in defense of all who were so unfairly and grotesquely maligned. But the waves of shameful shaming continued.

I am so sorry.

I truly hope you will take a break and come back. You really are a voice of "sanity" in this crazy DU world.

[patricia92243]

37. This is the second time that I have seen someone quitting DU because ONE person's

actions/posts. To deprive one's self of hours and hours of the things that DU does to help/entertain because of ONE person, simply does not make even the tinest bit of sense to me.

Put the idiot posters on ignore, and go on about your business.

[GreenPartyVoter]

38. *hugs* The Mental health forum is going to be far too quiet without you. :(

[beveeheart]

40. I accept your wish for Peace, Love and

Happiness in my life and, in return, wish you Health, Love and Joy in your life.

[one_voice]

42. People fucking suck!

I have a brother that did a voluntary commitment that led to a day program, he's struggled with being bi-polar. He had a complete break a bit ago, after the death of his son.

What I've seen on here has been fucking awful. I'm sorry you and anyone else that's suffering from any mental illness has had to deal with the ignorance of some.

Please take care of yourself! I hope to see you back again!

Peace!

[rhett o rick]

43. I wish you would reconsider. You are much more valuable to us than the bullies.

Dont let the bullies win. Put them on ignore or call them out with alerts.

[ZombieHorde]

44. I'm so sorry you were treated that way.

[boston bean]

45. Please take care demi.

This place can be truly despicable at times.

It's an insight, a pulling back of the curtain sometimes where you just can't keep the feelings and images at bay, that DU isn't all that nice sometimes.. There are a lot of trolls, and some long time members whose skirts are showing.

My best to you, and I completely understand why you feel as you do. My apologies for the real hurt some have caused to you and others.

[Fire Walk With Me]

46. Your openness and honesty are already working to change the situation for the better.

If the effort against us is to dehumanize, to demonize, to make us The Other (don't we always need an "X, the Unknown" bogeyman of which to be terrified?) then your sharing your experience is an antidote to all who encounter it. Your yourself have brought things a little further into healing and a positive resolution and understanding. Thank you for your honesty and your courage. May the moods never hold sway in your bright life, and please consider returning when it feels right. Peace and blessings always.

[tallahasseedem]

47. This breaks my heart...

I wish you would reconsider, but I certainly understand.

You will be missed dearly. Please do come back and let us know how you're doing!

[GreenPartyVoter]

49. UGH! I just tangled with one of those people, and I so understand why you are going. *hugs* I wish

you might at least check in at the mental health forum and tell us how things are going, tho, from time to time.

[struggle4progress]

50. DU is a weird place, Denninmi, inhabited by the clueless, the geeks, the big-hearted, the trolls,

the arrogant, the frightened, and many others. Don't take it too seriously. And remember that we all really need good friends whose faces we can see and whose tones of voice we can hear, something not easily obtained online

Cheers!

[Lady Freedom Returns]

51. Why not just stay in the Lounge? n/t

[ohiosmith]

52. Damn straight!

[csziggy]

53. Denninmi, please do what is best for you

I didn't join in the messages of support last week - dealing with my own health issues took my energy.

But I read your message and was impressed with your courage in stepping forward. I am so sorry that events you had nothing to do with and no control over coincided with your courageous act.

Please let the administrators know what happened to you. NO ONE should be harassed as you describe. You didn't deserve it under any circumstances.

Take care of yourself and know that there are people here who love and respect you.

[Tobin S.]

54. Do what you need to do, Dennis.

We'll still be here...if we don't spend too much time in meta!

Take care. I've got a feeling we'll be seeing you soon.

[grasswire]

56. I'm leaving the light on and the latch string out.

Come back when you can.

[sheshe2]

57. Denninmi...

Two quotes to take with you.
From. To Kill a Mockingbird

This is a dear book to me. A sad, but oh so poigniantly beautiful one.

It breaks my heart to hear your story.

You are the Mockingbird. Anyone here that was cruel to you has never walked in your skin.
My thoughts are with you...whatever you decide to do.

Be well my friend.


“You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view... Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.”
― Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird

“Mockingbirds don’t do one thing but make music for us to enjoy. They don’t eat up people’s gardens, don’t nest in corncribs, they don’t do one thing but sing their hearts out for us. That’s why it’s a sin to kill a mockingbird.”
― Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird

[grantcart]

58. best wishes

[klook]

59. Hey, Denninmi -

I've seen mental illness up close among my family and friends. I can appreciate your struggle, and I'm saddened by your need to protect yourself here, of all places -- but I understand and applaud your wisdom.

I hope we'll see you back here when you're ready.

Your loved ones are very lucky you didn't take the "90 MPH" route -- believe me, I know.

Take care.

[Odin2005]

60. Oh no! Please don't leave!

[solara]

61. Dear Denninmi, I am so very sorry this happened to you

I haven't been on DU a lot lately but when I -do-venture here I find that I need to block some of the posters because of the rampant negativity and shrill hysteria that accompanies the torches and pitchforks that seem to be gathering here lately. Oh yes and the blatant FEAR -it feels good to be able to stop the whiny voices of fear and, really, I feel a lot better about being here.

I don't write much any more but I still lurk..though I did not read your post re: coming out about your recent psychiatric break. I salute you for your bravery on all levels and I believe I understand as much as I possibly can.. especially the estrangement from self.. and the feeling that you are absolutely alone.

I assure you that you are not alone no matter what it seems like. People are cruel to others because they dwell in fear, which is a kind of mental illness too. I truly believe we are all Bozo on this bus. ( And I use the singular 'Bozo' on purpose)

I am sorry you feel you have to leave DU, but if you do, please consider returning.

Again I apologize that you were treated with such insensitivity.

Take care of yourself and I look forward to hearing how things are going for you.



Peace,

Solara

[Chellee]

62. I understand, and I respect your position.

Take whatever time you need, and then please come back.

Your voice needs to be heard more than theirs. You can make this place better. DU needs you.

[Major Nikon]

63. I'm sorry to hear that because I enjoyed reading your posts

However, I understand you need to do what's best for you.

Take care and I hope to see you back someday.

[bluesbassman]

64. You do what's best for you Denninimi.

You will be missed, but I understand your reason. Always know that you have friends here who will welcome your return when and if you make that choice.

[datasuspect]

65. DU has never been a safe place

[kestrel91316]

66. I wish the admins would deliver pizza to the people on DU who want to treat all

mentally ill like criminals. That is unconscionable, and if it's not a TOS violation it sure as hell should be.