Helping friends who divorce then get treated badly

[chowder66]

I couldn't figure out where to post this so if I need to self-delete just say the word.
I'm wondering if anyone has ever experienced this or has any idea why this is happening.

One of my good friends went through a divorce a few years ago and I helped him get through it.
(typed his responses to legal docs, shoulder to cry on, listened to the anger and anguish, encouraged, supported,etc).
He told me that without me he wouldn't have made it through. I was now his best friend in the world.
Then things turned. He started getting angrier and angrier and began treating me quite badly to the point that our friendship is probably forever broken. I can live with that. I don't like being treated poorly and cruelly.

Then a friend/boss I have known for years went through a divorce, same thing, I listened and encouraged. Told I was a great help.
Now he is something I don't recognize and I've had it with him, yet he's my boss again so it complicates things in they way that I can't just cut him off even though I am close to that point.

And two more (friend and family member) were divorcing around the same time. I listened and encouraged. Told I was helpful then the anger and bad treatment followed. One out of all of these people backed off eventually….but not totally. His divorce was semi-amicable. So I think that is why. 4 males, one female. All crazy now.

They all became hyper controlling as well. It seemed/seems that I would say something normal or neutral but almost all of these people started telling me that I was saying things wrong and that I didn't mean what I meant (even when there isn't anything to be meant). But they like to try to tell me what my intent is, what my meaning is, what my comprehension is and the words I can or cannot use. Along with structure, pauses, breathing. I feel like they are hunting for something to lose their shit over.

Example; Me: How are you today?
The Other: Hi, I'm okay but you shouldn't ask that.
Me: Oh….
The Other; Why, do you have to ask? You should try something better than that.
Me: (? - then I go quiet - because I'm confused)
The Other: Oh, now your pissed off, I don't know why but whatever.
Me: (??) Um, I'm not pissed off at all. Just confused.
The Other: Yes, you are pissed off because you said you were and you are proving it right now.
Me: (??? ) I never said I was pissed at anytime, what are you referring to?
The Other: You just said it.
Me: No, I didn't. What are you going on about?
The Other: Oh my god, you just said something about being pissed at anytime.
Me. I just said……"I never said I was pissed at anytime" and…..
The Other cutting me off: You just did it again. Just admit it, your pissed!
Me: (???) I think I should go now.
The Other: See! I told you you were pissed. Jesus. I don't know why but yeah you should go.
Me: Bye
The Other: Why? what's wrong? Your tone tells me everything I already knew. You have a bad attitude.
Me: I do not want to continue so I'm hanging up. Bye.

I typically have to hang up or walk away because I don't get it.
I'm afraid that what I just wrote is me cussing out everyone on DU…...but I think I just wrote about divorce and people treating those who support them badly.

I have vowed that I will never again make myself available to anyone divorcing.
Anyone?

[rug]

1. Just a guess but you saw them at their rawest.

No one likes that.

Now that the divorce is over they're putting it behind them. Unfortunately they may consider you part of that.

Or they can just be selfish assholes.

JMHO.

[chowder66]

2. Hmmm….there is some food for thought

I have had some thoughts in that arena but haven't been able to fully make it fit yet.

The one thing that has come to mind is the controlling part. Since the divorces, most of my male friends have tried to gain
control over every detail and win every argument with their exes and I do know that has passed on to me…. and I guess as the exes move further away they are actually trying to hang on to that vicariously by continuing to mess with me!

AH HA! I think that might be it. Sometimes you just need one person to pose the right thing. Thanks!



and I'm really glad I don't seem to be writing something different than what I think I am writing.

[Sekhmets Daughter]

3. They are regretting having revealed so many

vulnerabilities to you. The early stages of a divorce can be like a case of emotional shock...and they are happy for all the support they can get. But sooner or later the numbing shock wears off and they are horrified they revealed so much.

You'd be wise to keep your distance in future instances.

[chowder66]

4. Interesting

I'll have to think about this some more as well.
I was very close with the first example. I did know nearly everything raw about him and more before the divorce. We dated way back when and decided friendship was better... mutually. I lost touch with him when he married and had children. His choice and I respected it; plus I had my own relationship and things to do.

I thought maybe he changed a lot during the marriage and he did change in some ways but when it started occurring with other people I then started examining the common denominator…me. I couldn't find anything other than maybe being the primary listener.


As I have stated; I really don't want to ever do this for anyone again. I will share my sympathies but they are going to have to find someone else to lean on. I feel a bit bad about that but I have to preserve my friendships and sanity. I've been able to put distance between all but my friend/boss and I am now thinking about what I want to do about that.

Thanks for the insight.

[Sekhmets Daughter]

5. I think what you have experienced is actually pretty common.

Whatever you do, don't take it personally. Give everyone some space. They may get over it.

[riderinthestorm]

6. 100% agreed. These folks may someday reconcile their discomfort and become friends again.

But chances are, they won't.

[Sekhmets Daughter]

7. Chance is all there is...

I think that's a line from a song... but it applies in this instance.