I do not know if this is ok or not to say here and it may be too off topic for this site

[tova]

I feel so guilty that many of the problems that my aspergers/ADHD son has are my fault. I will not go into a lot of detail. But he had gone from a preschool where he was mixed with autistic and regular kids straight to 1st grade. He skipped kindergarten because during the meeting with the public school I tried to explain to them how intelligent he is but he was also going to need a lot of extra services. There great solution(sarcasm)was to put him in 1st grade. He. Old not make that big of a transition and became anxious and confused. His psychiatrist prescribed him Paxil over the phone. I did not find out until too late that Paxil should never be given to anyone under 18. He was 6. He had an extremely negative reaction to the meds and had to be hospitalized. His school than insisted that he go to a special school. He has been stuck at this other school since with the public school refusing to take him back. He is now 10 and has told me several times how confused he had been when he went to 1st grade at the public school because he had only played at his preschool (we tutored his academics at home) and did not understand at all how to be a student (sitting in a chair, raising his hand, not being allowed to speak, being expected to know things that the other kids had learned how to do in kindergarten. He is now attending an ADHD camp. They had to teach him how and why to raise his hand to ask question! His special school only has 8 kids per class and the kids are not even taught these basics. He is only doing well academically because we have had to pay a teacher to teach him academics on the weekends because his school only wants to work on behaviors. He is 3 years ahead in math and academically advanced because of the tutor. When I spoke to him again last night about his behavior at camp he says he does not know how to be different because that is how kids act at his special school. We are moving in a couple weeks to a place with the worst school district in the country because of my husbands job. I am terrified for my son. They have already said they also will not give him a chance in a special Ed classroom at a public school and will put him directly into an enclosed autism room at another special school. He is a sweet kid most of the time who had tons of intellectual potential. I feel like no matter how hard I try to fight the system I cannot help him. He is smart, wants to have friends, and has so much potential but I see him being destroyed by the schools and now we are to a worse one. For this and many other reasons guilt goes all the way to my core. I have been coming to this site since nearly it's beginning when Bush was 1st elected. I care a lot about want is happening to our country. But I have written little because of other things going on in my life. I also understand that the jury will probably not allow this post. But I just needed to speak out for all of those kids stuck in our school system who have been misunderstood and there parents who have sometimes tried to make what seems like an impossible fight to help them. My son had the potential to really do good things in life but I think he may very well not meet any of his potential and even become dangerous because of how our public school system has treated him.

[tova]

1. Misspelling and grammar

I wrote this while I was very upset. Please give me a break on my spelling and grammar

[handmade34]

2. ...

so often parenting comes with too much guilt... I had to fight for my kids in the system... doesn't seem right

[a kennedy]

3. Welcome to DU and I hope you get info from the good folks here......

I can only offer :hugs: and support.

[surrealAmerican]

4. You're being really hard on yourself.

All parents make mistakes. You have been put in a situation by the school system that is very hard to navigate. They should be working with you to do what's best for your son, but they don't know him like you do, and their standard way of dealing with someone "like" him is inappropriate.

Your son is lucky to have you as his advocate, even when that advocacy seems ineffective.

[Phentex]

5. My two cents...

I don't know where you are going but you need to find a GOOD occupational therapist. A good one can address many of the issues you have mentioned including helping your son get an IEP at school. As you already know, school is just part of the equation. Check with your insurance company to see what services will be covered for private therapy.

Next, find a support group for parents of special needs children in the new place. A clinic may have resources but you have got to understand that you are not alone in this. Most of the time parents have the best information and the most resources since they have been there, done that. THIS includes advocacy both with the school and sometimes even the local government. Reach out to those with experience under their belts. They were once right where you are.

[tova]

8. Insurance

Nevada does not require any private insurance to cover autism until 2014. I do not know how much will than be covered. My husbands new insurance only covered 2 pediatric psychiatrists and the only one accepting new patients has very poor reviews. I tried calling other pediatric psychiatrists in Las Vegas and they all said they are not accepting new patients and most only accept cash payment and will not accept insurance. Initial visits with these doctors is $450 with $250-350 for follow ups!

[Phentex]

10. Why not an occupational therapist?

Also, your son may have another diagnosis that would be covered. Find a developmental pediatrician who should be able to recommend an occupational therapist. I'm not exactly sure why you would need only a psychiatrist at this point.

Check into other resources. Here in Georgia, there are organizations that will pay for private therapy but they are difficult to find (usually other parents know how to find them). Some are specifically for educational purposes but some offer money for other therapy. It takes a damn village.

Call an autism support group in LV. They will have way more advice than what we can offer here.

[tova]

6. I feel that my hands are tied

He is currently in a relatively small school district. The battles I have had to fight for him have been constant. We are moving to Las Vegas, NV. They have only one school district with about 350,000 students and about 7000 autistic students according to the administration from there (Clark County school district). I was told I had no choice and that he would be put in an enclosed classroom of about 8 students. I asked if he could at least be with other students who are high functioning and more academically advanced. Again I was told no. That is not how they do things. they will not base it on where he is on the spectrum just that he is autistic. They will than rewrite his current IEP based on their observations. We will have just moved 2500 miles a few weeks before school starts. In a new place. he will not know their expectations and yet after 30 days of observation they are going to decide where he belongs. I asked if I found that the initial class he was in was totally wrong if he could be put in a different class while they observed him so at least he would have a chance of showing how well he can do and they again said no. I will have no say over anything during this period.

[LadyHawkAZ]

17. Have you talked to the school or just the district office? n/t

[bluedigger]

7. Welcome to DU.

I'm sorry to hear of your problems. The Lounge is always a good place to find a sympathetic ear, but you might want to post in DU's Asperger's/PDD Group for more experienced advice. http://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=forum&id=1145

[tova]

9. Aspergers

I did not post this in the asperger forum because there never seems to be much posting there.

[MiddleFingerMom]

11. It can't hurt to TRY posting there. Just copy and paste what you've given us.

.
.
.
But do your readers (and yourself) a favor -- break your info up into short 4-5 sentence
paragraphs.
.
That HUGE wall-to-wall block of single-line-spaced text looks and can be quite daunting
and some of the people who might be able to help might give up before even attempting
to read that.
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Good luck!!!
,
,
,

[mstinamotorcity2]

12. I am going to try and offer a little advice.

I have worked with autistic children for about 17 years now. I have worked with all children for about 30 years. First check with the local Children's Hospital. They have social workers who specialize in helping parents get needed services. They will also use your doctors assessments and theirs to give your child the best start. Find support group in your new area before you get there. Send emails and establish some contacts that you can use once you get there. Get to know your son's teachers and find out how they run their classrooms. Look for after school programs that cater to children with special needs. They are out there. A lot of what you need to do can be done on your pc. I wish you all the luck and hope I have been of use. Don't worry about your mis-spelled words. If it were not for spell check I would be twisted on a lot of days. Sometimes I forget to use it, and must go back and edit if I haven't proofread before posting.

[hunter]

13. Loving acceptance and encouragement at home...

... makes up for a lot of bad schooling.

Do the best you can with schools, but always make your home a refuge.

I suffered bullying and harassment starting in the fifth grade. I was a weird kid. No doubt about that. Middle school was the worst. By high school I'd learned to be as invisible as possible. But I was still frequently harassed and sometimes assaulted, and there were teachers and administrators who'd see me getting tripped in the hallways, called "queerbait," who'd see me getting my head slammed in lockers, witness bullies vandalizing my stuff, and then blame me for causing trouble.

Fortunately I was safe at home, it was my refuge, and I did most of my learning there. My parents were always willing to buy books, subscribe to magazines, and buy inexpensive tools and electronic parts I used to build computers and other gadgets.

They supported me when I decided to quit high school for college. Quitting high school was one of the best decisions I ever made.

I got a lot of flack from some adults, especially those who thought their own high school experience was wonderful...

Oh, you'll never experience a high school the Prom! and no, I never participated in high school sports, not even attending a football game, but why would I? High school was a place where I was tortured.

I had a few good teachers who were aware of my predicament and offered some shelter and encouragement, but many teachers were burnt out or stretched too thin to fight the toxic school culture, or worse, didn't see how badly some kids were hurting or thought it was their job to toughen kids up for the "real world."

I graduated from college (after some misadventures...) and I'm still as eccentric as I ever was, but I'm still here all these years later, married with adult kids, doing what I can to make the world a better place.

[tova]

16. Teasing

I was bullied from the time I started school because of a very severe speech impediment. We also moved often when I was a child which compounded the problem. I know 1st hand how much years of verbal and physical bullying can effect ones life. Now I have a child whose disability is greater then mine was. Please do not be offended by the comparison but it is like a vet who has been drafted and forced to experience some of worst the mental pain caused by others who you have nothing against and would prefer just to know and love who than sees the same done to her own child but to a greater degree. My son often says he tries his best but feels that he is often the one blamed when he was not the one that initiated something. I know he is not a saint but I have also known his sweetness. I try to make home a refuge like my parents and family did for me but I also do not think he has nearly the support I did. Plus at least I was often able to make friends at home at the places we lived but he has never been able to be accepted by the only 2 kids his age on our street. Maybe things will be better after the move than I fear. But as A parent I have mourned for his pain for years.

[elleng]

14. Welcome, tova.

DU has a perfect Group for you, so post this there too, I suggest.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=forum&id=1145

Good luck

[noamnety]

15. Hi, high school teacher here.

I teach at a school that has a learning resource center (special ed room). The students who need it are assigned there for normally 1 class period for school day, sometimes more. And it's often stated that they can go there if they or the teacher feels they need some time out of the larger classroom. We don't have a self-contained classroom where the students are segregated from the main population for the entire day. That seems to work really well, and we've had good luck taking students who have never been mainstreamed up until high school.

I think it would make sense for you to try to get into a similar situation in your area. Instead of having to do a full transition from one environment last year to the other this coming year, where he doesn't have the skill set yet to be successful 8 hours a day, is there a chance he can do a split schedule? For the first semester (year, whatever it takes) maybe you could lobby for him to be in whatever his favorite subject is, with the understanding that he is sent/asks to go to the LRC when he needs some down time to refocus; that might help give him and the school some confidence. I'm guessing what they are worried about is him disrupting classes to the point where the other students aren't getting access to the education they deserve, and people on both sides need to have an open conversation about that concern and how to alleviate it.

I've had some of the crazy disruptive students before - shrieking obscenities and beating their fists on the walls, and it is very scary for other students, and definitely no learning happens when something like that is going on in the room. We DID manage to work through those moments though, and actually the person I'm thinking of there managed to grow a ton during his time with us, and came back to visit a few times after graduation, with stories of how college classes are going.

Another thing to talk about in IEP meetings is the ability to maybe go to academic classes every other day and do homework in the LRC, if going to all the classes every day is overwhelming at first - or even a part time school schedule if that works with your family situation. But I really think the most positive thing is to attempt the full or part time course schedule daily with the pull out option whenever the sensory inputs are too much.

Try to schedule some time for him individually with teachers if you can. Some of my students who struggle need a good 10 or 15 minute chunk of time (or more) to work through a concept. That's hard to do when you have an hour long class with 20-30 kids. By the time you take attendance, give a demo or short discussion, that leaves maybe 60-120 seconds per student for one on one time. If one student needs the teacher's time for 10 minutes a day for extra explanations or to manage behavior, you can see the issue there. Having the agreed on time outside of the classroom (lunch? prep hour? after school?) can give them the support they need without preventing other students from getting the support they also need.

Hopefully the school you are going to will understand the concept of that special needs is compatible with being gifted.

(Note - I'm not a special ed teacher, just a regular classroom teacher. Hopefully the teachers certified in this area will chime in.)