Went to my dad's house to look for his will

[Taverner]

We found it, but I had to hide and break down several times during the day

My mom was there - and she really hasn't started processing it yet

Dad's best friend and his wife were there

They were great, I don't think we would have survived without them

I also saw my dad today

I asked him what he wanted

When he came to, he recognized me

I told him about the end-of-life discussion

His heart rate went up and his eyes widened

I asked him if he wants to continue on

I think he shook his head - and he let out a grunt

I am going to go back several times to ask him again

We are keeping him on the feeding tube this week

I want to know if that was what he meant

He is "there"

I need a good sample

That is the only thing I can think to apply, the scientific method

[rug]

1. See if you can find an Advance Health Care Directive, a Lining Will, or a Health Care Proxy.

That will tell you what his intention were.

Ask the lawyer who prepared the will. Often those documents are done at the same time.

I'm sorry this is happening.

[Taverner]

2. I did - and he did not check live or die...

If you know what I mean

[rug]

3. Yup.

Did he appoint someone to make those decisions when he couldn't, a health care proxy or health care agent? Those are used because a living will can't anticipate all the contingencies.

[Taverner]

4. Yes, my mom first...but she abdicated this

Then me and my brother, who also abdicated this.

It is left on me.

All I can do is do a sample from several meetings with dad

[rug]

6. Ok, you'll know what to do.

Years ago I had to meet with the bioethics committee of the hospital where my daughter was being treated, unsuccessfully. Take whatever time you need and rely on whatever you think has the answer. It is unbelievably hard.

[Taverner]

7. I just want to know what my dad wants

I would help him recover, I hope he knows that

But going from newborn to adult in a year is not easy

And the fact that both sides are nuked

Doesn't help things

[rug]

8. The question uually comes down to prognosis and pain.

People often talk about quality of life but I think it's usually those two things. Any pain they can usually manage.

The doctors probably don't know but see if they have any hard facts on his prognosis. Strokes are strange things. Personally, unless they said he was terminal, I'd wait. The first question to me is life or death. There is time afterwards to consider the quality of life issues.

You really can't make a wrong decision though. Whatever you choose, it will be borne out of love. And that's a love you both have for each other.

Just get as many solid facts as you can now.

[Taverner]

9. "Just get as many solid facts as you can now."

Agreed 100%

[davidpdx]

13. Having everyone abdicate it and leave it on you is not fair

The family needs to make a joint decision. You certainly don't want anyone coming back to you years from now saying that you were the one that did or didn't want him on life support. It is a hard decision, but that doesn't mean family members should put it on one person.

As I've stated before when this happened to my dad he had no will, no directive. Nothing. Pure chaos. It's the worst thing to have to deal with. In the end I advocated removing his tubes because the doctors specifically told me his chances of getting better were low and that he would have to have to tubes in to stay alive. My siblings agreed and that's what we did. I told my mom she'd better have her stuff in order because I can't go through that again.

I think you need a definite prognoses from the doctor (from more than one doctor if possible). Find out if he were to survive would he have to be on a machine for the rest of his life? After that you need to sit down with your family and talk about it. Tell them that their input is just as important given the decision is about a family member's life.

I know you'll make the right choice.

[Blue_In_AK]

5. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

We had the same issue with my dad back in 1995. It's never easy.

[B Calm]

10. Does he have a living will? My dad didn't want a feeding

tube.

[hedgehog]

11. I'm so sorry for your troubles -

I think your goal should be to keep him comfortable and whatever happens, happens.

[handmade34]

12. no one's advice here

will really help... you will know when it is time to choose... when my husband was ill and couldn't communicate, I told him it was his choice, that I would be there no matter the decision and that it was OK if he didn't want to go on (very often with older men their concern is for their loved ones and want to do what is best for them)

I think sometimes we have to give permission to our loved ones to pass if they don't want to keep fighting and the promise that we will love them whether they are ready to go or ready to struggle with the process of possible healing...


be very content in the knowledge that you have been there for him no matter the outcome...

[riderinthestorm]

14. Oh Taverner, I am so so very sorry about this.

((((vibes)))) coming towards you for peace, clarity of mind as you make hard decisions, and a lot of love surrounding you as your dad finds his way....

[Justice]

15. Process is important. Gather information and talk it through with mom and brother

Don't ask for conclusions, talk about your dad the person and who he is/how he lived. Talk about diagnosis and updates from doctors.

We have had this discussion 4 times over 6 years regarding different family members, some were parents, some siblings. The discussions are hard, so hard - but get the words out, push people to share their feelings. We have had different outcomes in all cases, but the shared words helped us no matter the outcome.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[a kennedy]

16. If it's up to you......don't ever think you made a wrong decision.

If you're in charge, try to be at peace with whatever you've decided. You'll get through it, and try to keep calm, think as positively as you can, it will be ok.

[Taverner]

17. I just want what dad wants

When I saw him, his eyes opened wide

When I told him, his eyes went wider

When I asked him if he wanted to continue

He (I think) shook his head and grunted a 'no'

I do not want to see my dad suffer

But I do not want my dad to die

He was a GOOD dad