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Sun Dec 22, 2013, 02:31 PM

The night before Christmas: Duck Dynasty Version

(reposted with permission from here)

Author: velveeta jones

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the manse
Not a creature was stirring, they'd been shot at first glance
The shotguns were hung by the chimney with glee,
With dreams of killin' animals on a long shootin' spree.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of white Jesus danced in their heads.
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my camo,
Had just settled down to stock up on ammo.

When out on the lawn there arose such a sound,
I sprang from the sofa and kept close to the ground.
Away to the window I ran in a flash,
gun at my side, I'd paid for it in cash.

The moon on the hood of my shiny big truck
gave the lustre of wealth and I thanked my good luck.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and 8 living reindeer.

With a tall lanky driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
But wait, what what this? It's against all God's laws!
This man was a nig...er, BLACK Santa Claus!

He called to his reindeer, like they were his pets!
Why wouldn't he eat them? There'd be no regrets.
“Now Biden! now, Kerry! now, Jewell and Sebelius
On, Hagel! On, Holder! on, Perez” and the rest!

I reached for my Bible to check out some fact,
Shor 'nuff it said that Jesus weren't black.
Armed with the truth and a duck hunting rifle
This thug carryin' gifts was not a disciple.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on my roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I grease-camo'd my face and got ready my gun,
the fake santi came down and looked ready for fun!

He was dressed in a suit, from his head to his toe,
Nice and shiny and clean with a silk tie, not a bow.
a bundle of papers and files in his arms he held out,
He looked like a slick salesmen twas just makin' his route.

He looked at me sternly and spoke with such clarity
“We spy on your family and see your prosperity,
you are on the TV and pretend to be regular-folk
But the truth will come out it's all but a joke.”

“You say you're a Christian and live by the Bible,
but if Jesus was alive he'd sue you for libel;
the winnings he'd make he'd use for the downtroden and poor.
Regardless of color, God, origin or used the 'back door'”

“You are a complete fake, sham, a 'reality star'
Why even your beard is quite plainly bizarre!
You say you hate gays, there sinful wickedness you condemn;
while making money conning ducks that you want fruitful relations with them!”

He said a lot more but some I didn't hear,
I felt some remorse that I hadn't shot those reindeer.
He compared me to Osama, in beard and beleifs,
And said if we were all Christian's we'd not be lyin' thief's

Then sprang to his sleigh, and without any pomp,
They all flew away, away towards the swamp.
But I heard him exclaim, as he drove with out hands,
“Merry Christmas to all, and now off to the Kardashians!”

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all of you!!

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