Friend (a girl) meeting up with guy she just met at hotel-Freaked!

[NewsCenter28]

So, she's in town on a business trip away from home. She met up with a guy that she met at her workplace who also works for her firm for a scheduled dinner with this dude and apparently/allegedly 2 co-workers that she also met at work today on her business trip. Only problem is that he offered to pick her up at her hotel room? I am very concerned about this. It seems highly irregular and unprofessional.

Now, keep in mind, this is small-town mindset but what kind of guy offers to pick up his co-worker that he just met in her hotel room to take her out to dinner with 2 co-workers. What kind of girl lets a new guy pick her up at her hotel room.

I feel like she acted stupidly tonight. Am I just over-reacting? I sent her this message at 10:54 pm pacific:
" Hope your OK girl! Was kind of worried about you when you said you were being picked up by a guy at your hotel that you don't know. Stay safe and cautious always in today's crazy world. Wondering why he just couldn't drive himself there ha-ha "

Was that message too intense? I don't care if she finds it too intense because she kind of blew me off tonight when we hung out for a bit, which makes me even more concerned about this hotel guy. She RACED at a million miles an hour out of the parking lot where we were hanging out tonight.

She didn't answer my text

Kind of freaked!

[noamnety]

1. Let's start small.

Maybe try calling her a woman, not a girl, especially in this context where you are coming very close to acting like a parent.

Next - this is dangerously close to slut shaming, and I found it offensive: "What kind of girl ..." How are you ending that sentence in your head?

Next, I've done a LOT of business travel. I'm female. It's been entirely normal for us coworker types to meet up at each other's hotel rooms, so we can share a ride someplace. Normal as in that's been the routine just about every single time - unless one local person is meeting a bunch of out of towners, in which case all the hotel dwellers might meet up in the lobby. It's even been normal for the out of towners to converge in one person's hotel room to share a 6 pack and watch tv, and we manage to do it without humping each other in a mass orgy.

Last, if she seemed like she was racing to get away from you, and your sense is that she's blowing you off, and the way you deal with it is by texting her immediately and not giving a shit if you are being too intrusive, maybe you should ask yourself if people have ever said you have a hard time picking up on social cues. I'm saying that because it's one thing to be concerned about a friend. It's a whole other thing to be concerned about a woman going out with another guy - and tying that into feeling like she blew you off. That's not concern; it's something else.

Hmmm. Reading that back, it sounds very harsh. That was my gut reaction though, that if you were a male friend in my life acting controlling because I wanted to go out with a coworker, that might send off alarm bells about you, not the coworker.

[avebury]

2. Agreed. nt

[magical thyme]

4. more agreement.

A visiting woman is getting picked up at her hotel room by a co-worker to go have dinner with 2 other co-workers. Nothing strange about that.

It does read as though you're freaking this woman out, though.

[blueamy66]

5. Agree with everything that you posted.

What year is it?

[pipi_k]

6. Actually this statement

Next - this is dangerously close to slut shaming, and I found it offensive: "What kind of girl ...

I didn't have a problem with the original question, and it has nothing to do with "slut shaming", be it directed toward a girl, woman, or even a man.

I'll tell you what kind of girl/woman/man lets a stranger pick her/him up at her/his hotel room...

a naive/stupid one, that's what.

Just like meeting a stranger in one's own town/city.

Always arrange to meet in a public place for a while until a level of trust can be established.

And yeah, I realize that "people shouldn't have to be afraid of being attacked" blah blah blah, but that doesn't mean one lets down his/her guard and virtually sets oneself up for something bad to happen.

Honestly, people have to be smarter than that.

[cyberswede]

7. Perfect response.

...and at:

we manage to do it without humping each other in a mass orgy

[Raine1967]

11. Thank you for saying this.

I read the post, and I have a hard time3 taking a man seriously who labels a professional woman a girl.

[rurallib]

17. I will agree. I traveled for years for my company

We were rather cutting edge with gender equality, so we frequently had men and women in any group.
If anyone hung out, I figured it was their business, not mine. They are adults. As long as they did not try to drag me into anything why should I care?

If there was hanky-panky they would have to deal with any consequences. Not my business.
The whole visiting back and forth between rooms was pretty common.

[Le Taz Hot]

3. I used to travel all the time for my work

and I had co-workers or business associates pick me up at my hotel fairly often. Where the hell else would they pick me up from? They wouldn't come to my room, I'd meet them in the lobby.

'Course if I was meeting them (other non-business associates) for fucking purposes it was the same routine so there is that.

[pipi_k]

8. I'm pretty sure

the OP said that she had the guy pick her up at her hotel room, and not, for example, in the lobby.

Lobby, OK

Room, not OK


IMO, anyway...

[Le Taz Hot]

9. It kind of depended on who it was.

A poster above mentioned something about meeting in someone's hotel room for drinks, just hanging out, and I've done that as well. I've also occasionally met co-workers one on one in a hotel room but it was usually not for long periods of time and always had to do with work. I can think of several scenarios in which one co-worker would come and get the other co-worker at his/her hotel room. Example, my co-worker is 2 doors down from me and we're going out to dinner together. I can see a co-worker knocking on my door to pick me up.

I don't know. I just think you have to give people the benefit of the doubt. If something untoward is going to happen, it's going to happen and no amount of calling or texting is going to change that.

[NewsCenter28]

10. Reply

My problem is that we were hanging out. Things were fine. I went to say good bye to her as I usually do and she acted strangely and rudely to me after being nice just minutes before. Like literally, she told me to come say bye to her on my way out. I did and she threw me way off. I should add that she is married.

[Xyzse]

12. Perhaps she got insulted?

I mean seriously, the guy who is picking her up is a work colleague. Why wouldn't they carpool, particularly at a new place?
I thought this was just a matter of courtesy.

I don't understand. They are logged on for the same company, it is not as if this was a non-business related matter.

There is not much to do. Trust that she can take care of herself, and if she doesn't feel safe, she wouldn't do such a thing.
Logically speaking, she knows where the guy works. He does anything untoward, that tends to affect the guy's livelihood.

[NewsCenter28]

13. Response

It's just that I was enjoying hanging out with her. She obviously wasn't enjoying hanging out with me. She could have been nice and said hey I have to run but her tone was one of dismissal and utter coldness. If she had to be somewhere, she could have been nicer about it and certainly could have warned me off trying to chat again.

She's nice until something else that she considers better comes along. Then, it's Ms. Cold.

Basically, my problem is that she doesn't give 2 shits about me.

Downside of me having Aspergers I guess.

[Xyzse]

14. Well, I don't really have enough information other than where you have gone on.

Not enjoying hanging out with you can mean very many different things.

Also, the fact that she hung out with you at all, means she actually considers you a friend/acquaintance.

Or, you may even just be overthinking things.

Regardless, she'll talk to you, or she won't, on her own time. Bottom line for me usually is to respect space, and don't push.

I sincerely hope you haven't called her a bunch of times and texted more than 3-4 times since then. If so, that is a bit much, and is pushing. She is married, she is only a friend, she knows what she's doing, and if you want to hang out again, don't expect much.

I'd probably just say something like "Hi, [this is what I am doing today], would you like to join me?" Other than that, space....

[NewsCenter28]

15. Thanks

Yeah. I agree. I'm just desperate for friends. I thought she was a good friend. Obviously not. No just 1 text. Yay me.

[Xyzse]

16. Well that's good.

I've learned pretty early on, not to expect much from people.

My suggestion though in regards to friends.

I have a few close ones, but we are all very busy people.
So for the times they are busy, and I'm not, and I want to do something. I use meetup groups.

I use meetup the website to find people who share the same interests that I do, and see if I can make some of their meetings.

At the moment, I am a member of a few book discussion groups, hiking groups, a capoeira group, and an ukulele group.
The last one is where I am the most active on at the moment.

They forced me to go up on stage for an open mic, play an instrument and sing at the same time. It is through them that made me do such a thing for the first time. Either way, it is room for growth.

Find a community of people who share the same interests, and if you make friends from there, then awesome. Otherwise, it is a way to pass the time.

[Ken Burch]

19. It might not be that she doesn't wish to be friends with you.

It's entirely possible that she was simply angry about what happened that evening and might have put that anger behind her by now.

But what your're feeling right now is rejection, and, in different ways we've ALL been there.

[Ken Burch]

18. Please don't take this as criticism, but you just revealed something important

about yourself when you stated that you have Asperger's.

A major part of Asperger's Syndrome is that it interferes with a person's ability to read social cues.

I think that's what happened here.

It wasn't that she was intentionally being mean, but probably she did or said something that was intended as a social cue to you...a cue that she wanted to spend time with someone else at that moment rather than you...and became annoyed and frustrated that you didn't "get" that(having Asperger's, it may simply not have been possible for you to get that).

Thus, she expressed herself to you in a way that read to you not just as irritation with what you may inadvertently have done at that moment, but as rejection of you as a person.

In response, you are expressing the hurt you feel about that by posting things about her in this thread that, even though this wasn't your intent, sound very judgmental and patronizing about your co-worker.

In the short-term, you're going to have to let this one go and accept that what she is doing is reminding you of the boundaries she wants to set between you and her as friends and co-workers.

Later, when you've worked through your feelings about this, you might want to consider asking her for some feedback as to how you handled this situation. Tell her that you realize that you probably didn't understand the message she was trying to send, and ask her what the "cues" where that she expected you to take. She may be willing to talk to you about this, and she may not. But at least you can make this a little bit better by acknowledging what happened and by making it clear that you didn't mean to step over any lines with her and would now like to learn from this and work on repairing any damage this may have done to your relationship as friends and co-workers.

Also, if she didn't know you have Asperger's, this would be a good time to tell her. That might help her take a more understanding view of your actions here. She may not have known that about you.

Finally, if you were beginning to have feelings towards her beyond mere friendship, you should probably try to come to terms with them and either find appropriate ways to express those feelings or to find a way to let them go.

Hope these comments are at least somewhat helpful.

[NewsCenter28]

20. Thanks Ken

Very helpful pointers! All right, please let me know if I had an Asperger's moment here. I was talking to her in the exit area she was preparing to leave. She mentioned something about "having to get ready to go to a dinner that she was late to" or something to that effect. I took that as OK, I won't stop you or interfere with you rushing to get ready to go. My opinion was, however, that she could have talked to me as she was getting ready in the exit area as I was as well with a non-aggressive polite tone rather than an aggressive almost downright mean tone. I mean I wasn't shoving a paper in front of her asking her to read something while she was trying to put her shoes on. I was just talking to her as she was getting ready to leave as I too was getting ready to leave with a 7 pm deadline. She even said "I'll talk to you in a couple minutes" prior. I also wasn't asking her to chat in a thought-provoking way really. To me, one can chat with another while getting ready to leave in a non-obtrusive non-delayed fashion.

So, was the mere act of me talking to her as she was getting to leave, in point of fact, obstructing her being able to get to the dinner on time? For example, we were talking as putting shoes on, putting stuff in backpacks, etc. I could talk to her and still get ready to leave and not be delayed. Why couldn't she? Is that my Aspie's coming into play in thinking that?

Also, tell me if my Aspies is coming into play in this thought as well: She was the one that chose to leave so late that she would have to rush around to get ready to get to her dinner on time. I wasn't hounding her or even chatting. So, I kind of look at this situation as: You're the reason that you're late, its not like you can say that you were late because you were talking to me, I delayed you, and then I delayed you again in the exit area since I most certainly did not! So, I look at it as don't be mean to me because of your poor time management? Is that Aspie's?

Many Aspie's are accused of having no empathy, which I disagree with. My empathy to her in this situation is this: I understand that you can't have a long conversation since you are trying to leave but you can at least be civil and speak to me in a non-annoyed voice. I understand that you are running late but do you have to adopt an aggressive tone with someone who is just trying to be your friend? I would look at this situation and say I wouldn't be empathetic if I got into her face, tried to slow her down, etc. To me, talking to her as she is trying to get ready to leave isn't delaying her.

I mean, if I'm talking to her with my head down tying my shoes as she ties her shoes, am I really preventing her from getting to her dinner on time?

Maybe my empathy gap is that I don't understand that if you are trying to get ready to leave a location that you can't talk to anyone at all? What about the guys at Tek, a smelter where my dad works, that yack away to each other, as they are showering. They are rushing and trying to get home from a hard day at work to their wives and children I'm sure but they have time to yack to each other as they get ready to go home. I'm sure after a 12-hour shift, they are eager to get out of there but my dad says they yack to each other in the showers all the time and no one complains there about conversations delaying them getting home.

Further, she, I and my dad went skiing together on Sunday and hung out all day. We were doing a cancer-a-thon event that had registration between 8-10. She told me to show up at 9. We did. Had to wait an hour for her to show up to the event and she almost missed the registration cut-off. I rushed out of bed early to meet her at her specified time and she showed up when she felt like it actually after getting hammered and hung-over the night before. I'm supposed to be empathetic to her about being late to a dinner and not dare talk to her lest I disturb her but she can show up late to this ski event we had planned together without me even being mad about it really until now but she's pissed if she perceives me as delaying her a couple seconds to the dinner that she wants to go to. Is that fair? Is that empathetic to me?

So, she turned up late for an event that I was really looking forward to but she's all freaked out about being a couple minutes late for a work dinner? Not fair.

Now, I know that you said nothing about empathy gaps but the Asperger's literature talks about empathy gaps. So, no offence was taken by me at what you said.

I agree with what you said about her thought process. I'm just curious-who do you think is the one who displayed less empathy and understanding? Did my long and probably rambling post expose the height of my Asperger's to you or did I raise some valid points that leads you to believe that maybe not all of this can be attributed to my having Asperger's and not understanding her social cues?

Once again, thanks so much Ken. I agree with you on her thought process but after I explained to you the above, do you still feel that it was a reasonable thought process for her to have?

P.S.: She texted me twice today all polite and nice as if nothing was wrong. I'm still kind of pissed since I couldn't get to sleep until 4 a.m. since I was sick almost to the point of throwing up about the way that she treated me since I thought we were good friends and plus I was watching MH370 coverage. I like her so much that I texted back all polite and nice and lovey duffy as well. It reminds me of the time that my Mom and Grandma had a bit of a confrontation. My grandma was ready to move on the next day but my mom wasn't and my Grandma got all concerned when my mom kind of didn't treat her as nice as she usually does.

[noamnety]

21. After reading all this, I still think it's about the social cues

and about feeling a little like you should be allowed to tell her how to act.

I have a few people in my life who can't pick up on hints that I need to wrap up a conversation. One in particular I try to avoid like the plague at the end of the workday because he has no concept that I've just worked all day, I would like to go home now. Attempts to finalize the conversation and even backing away don't work.

I've found with him that I always have to be abrupt and unbearably direct: "I have to go now." If I leave any opening for another sentence, question, whatever, he will take the conversation in a new direction and it just never ends. It's possible she and you have some dynamics like that, and she was acting how I do in that situation, leaving no room for the conversation to drag on, because of the history of friend dynamics here, not because of that specific situation.

And I have to say, reading your thoughts, it's quite likely she was right. It sounds like your thought process wasn't entirely She needs to go. You also clearly have a little resentment about her leaving on time: She owes it to me to be late for them, to make up for that time she was late meeting me.

If she texted you like nothing was wrong the next day, then I definitely think Ken's onto something with she thinks she has a normal friendship with you, and possibly she also felt she had to be very direct (which can come across as coldness) to get the conversation to end, because if she tries more subtle hints you might miss them.

On another note though - being up til 4am almost throwing up because a married woman told you directly that she needs to leave now to meet other people, and then describing your texts to her as lovey dovey, seems like you are bordering on inappropriate/unhealthy feelings here. Don't be that person.

[seaglass]

22. When people are running late they get stressed and cranky - mostly at themselves. If someone tells

you they are running late for something it is best to leave them alone. That is the cue you didn't pick up on. While it may have looked like all she was doing was getting ready to leave her brain was probably going a million miles an hour thinking about being late, meeting with the co-worker etc., she wasn't focused on what you were saying and your talking became an annoyance because it was interrupting her thoughts. No need to take it personally as a reflection on what she thinks of your friendship, she would probably react the same way to anyone else who behaved the same way. That's my take on it.

[magical thyme]

24. this, exactly...nt

[NewsCenter28]

25. Thanks all-I agree but have one question

My name's Robin, btw. How do I fight "Bad" Robin's instinct to take her behaviour like this sometimes as she doesn't value her friendship with me as much as I value my friendship with her? What can "Good" Robin tell Bad Robin to kill that thought? That'd help me out a lot I think.

Also, I should add that she was very cold to me right from her 1st response to my overtures to her in the exit area. I do feel that she was sidetracked by another guy who was talking to her just before I entered the exit area. Its possible that he delayed her, she was frustrated and I was just icing on the cake of her frustration at that point. It wasn't like I missed any hints. She was cold to me right from second 1 in the exit area.

We are hanging out tonight, by the way. Wish me luck. We will see how it goes.

P.S.: No, I don't think its a situation of she owes me being late sine she was late for my event. Its more that I feel that she doesn't care if she shows up late for an event I'm into but don't dare mess with her being late for an event she's into. That's how I took it.

[Ken Burch]

27. Try not to think of it as "Bad Robin vs. Good Robin".

It's a question of you vs. your condition...it's not about having a "dark side", or about having a Star Trek evil twin(which would mean you'd have to spend a lot of time alternately growing or shaving off goatees as the situation warrented).

You aren't a bad person...you have a medical/psychiatric problem that affects the way you deal with other people and how they respond to you...a problem that still isn't fully understood or universally known.

The Asperger's is the issue...you, yourself, have done nothing wrong, and you can't let yourself feel shame or guilt, because these are things you don't have full personal control over.

[noamnety]

28. What about this?

There's probably some truth to the idea that you value her friendship a little more than she values yours. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or the friendship.

It's normal for anyone who is married to get much of their social interactions from being with/living with their partner. Those of us who aren't in serious relationships depend more on our casual friendships for socializing and connecting to people.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't be friends with her, it just means you need to come to terms with the idea that you might prioritize your time with her more than your time with other people, while she's not going to prioritize you above all others. Everyone who is good friends with a person who's in a relationship has that dynamic - even just single guys who are good friends with another guy who gets married.

[Ken Burch]

26. I think you just caught her at a bad time.

And she was trying to indicate to you that she wanted to focus on getting ready to go, rather than on having a conversation with you.

If she didn't KNOW you have Asperger's, she likely would have interpreted your responses at that moment as you being a jerk.

It's about the social clues...and, due to your condition, it will be a lifelong effort for you to learn to read them.

A professional counsellor or therapist will be able to give you more detailed guidance on this.

Good luck.

[rug]

23. This sounds like a subplot from the first season of Mad Men.