Worried about my boyfriend

[alarimer]

He recently moved to the DC area to be closer to me and to his daughter who lives there. He just started a brand-new job and apparently there is some of the usual new-job bullshit he has to deal with. It's been two weeks of training and meetings and a lot of nonsense that is starting to wear him down a little.

I don't even think that's the real issue. Once he gets into his actual job, it should be okay.

The other problem (and a bigger one) is that is currently living in his daughter's basement and miserable. He shares his bed with his young grandson (who is about 3), because the house is full. That's not that big a deal either except that he came home from visiting me to find that one of his grandsons slept in his bed and peed in it. Apparently no one cleaned it up. Basically, though, it is just a chaotic situation. The kids are undisciplined. The mom is currently trying to go to school (GI Bill), and there is just a lot going on. There is an obnoxious dog, who is neglected (and really needs to be in some other, less chaotic home).

I initially thought this was going to be temporary. Her lease is up in August, I believe and he wants them all to live together. She is living off the GI Bill, in a very expensive part of the country and it will help her save money if he foots the bill for housing at least. Since I am not living up there and it may take me a while to find a job up there, it's okay with me. I do have some misgivings, given that my boyfriend refuses (or is unable) to set boundaries. Living in a larger place will not solve those issues. He currently has no privacy, no chance to unwind in the evenings. But I have to listen to him complain every night. I am writing this in part just to vent. I don't really know what to tell him. In my opinion, moving his daughter in with him will be a mistake and he will be unhappy, although it will be a temporary situation (2 years max) until she finishes her degree. He has tried to persuade her to move someplace less expensive, but she is dead-set on one particular university.

I am looking for a job and eventually he and I will live together, but in the meantime I don't know what to tell him. I am going to suggest that he look for some other temporary living arrangement, because the situation is currently untenable. Maybe a short-term lease somewhere. He might be able to find someone's garage apartment closer to his work or something like that, for the next 4-5 months until her lease is up.

I don't know that there is an answer, if he won't actually be honest with his daughter about his needs.

[elleng]

1. Too few facts to enable me to be helpful,

but I hope he finds something better.

Post in MD/DC/VA with facts so we might help? Its a big area, and many sorts of places to rent with various costs. PM me with details, if you'd like.

[edgineered]

2. Until you spend some time at his daughters home,

that is, enough time to see for yourself the entirety of the situation, it may be best to spend your time observing things through the eyes of everyone involved. It seems, through personal experience, that making yourself into the bad guy would be the easiest thing to do. Then everyone dislikes you.

I'm sure you are caring and trusting, so just be careful please.

[Chan790]

3. What ellen said...

I've lived in and around DC for most of my adult life, even though I grew up in W. CT and consider NYC to be home.

There's actually a lot of affordable housing if you know where to look and you're willing to think differently/live someplace undesirable. For example, I lived in Wheaton...which is on the Metro so it's not that far out and it only cost me $600/mo. on a 3BR apartment-share. If he/she drives, there's decent rents within a 40 minute drive of the city if you go east into PG County past the end of the Metro line. Places like New Carrollton and Glenn Dale are fairly crappy places to live, but they're medium on crime. Alternately, look to Baltimore...it's only 45 minutes away by train (Most of suburban DC is 1/3 as far and has commute times over 60-90 minutes.) and rents are lower by half. You just drive/take transit to Baltimore Union Station and take the MARC to DC then METRO to your DC destination.

What university? As long as it's not Georgetown, you're probably okay...they're all easily accessible from anywhere in the region...except G-town, if it's G-town, you've got no choice but to live nearby..as in within 10 blocks and pay extremely-high rents.

[elleng]

4. I agree there's a problem if its G'Twn she insists on,

and I can understand wanting to attend that school.

One can often find 'surprise' good digs, I've done it twice, but not in Georgetown. Craigslist is a good resource.

[alarimer]

7. Not Georgetown

George Mason, I think.

He works in Fairfax County. Right now they live in Woodbridge, so the commute is a killer and he hates that, so the plan is to move closer both to his work and the school.

I know some of this is that the reality is more difficult than he thought it would be, when he made this plan some time ago.

[elleng]

9. Commuting anywhere can be bad, depending on direction and time of day,

but its only 15 miles between Woodbridge and Fairfax (where George Mason is located, and the job,) should be about a 30 minute drive. I'm sure there are lots of alternative living arrangements in the area. As I said earlier (about Georgetown,) Craigslist is a great resource.

Reality is ALWAYS different from one's imaginings!

[Callalily]

5. Be the sounding board

for your bf if you must, but stay out of the family situation - don't even offer opinions/solutions. When it comes to family, an outsider will always be an outsider!

[alarimer]

6. I agree that most people just want to vent and they don't want advice necessarily.

But as my dad used to say,"Are you going to complain about it? or are you going to do something about it?"

And it's not like he can't do anything about it; he could certainly have an honest conversation with them about the living situation. But I'm afraid he tries to please everyone all the time. And that never works out.

[Lady Freedom Returns]

8. This is something he will have to work out.

She was in the Military ( Correct?) so she is a big girl. Yet he is her dad. He will have to decide whether to put up with the way things are or let her figure things out.

And it is her house, her rules. So much of what is going on is something he will have to put up with.

This is not going to be an easy road for him either way. So be a sounding board for him and let him work it out.