From http://ryogam.blogspot.com/2009/02/to-all-conspiracy-believers.html who stole it from someone else:
Tired of the "experts" with their annoying "logic" and "reality" telling you what to think simply because they know more about the subjects then you do and their opinions actually match the evidence better? Of course you are. Think the Kennedy assassination was a massive government cover-up by the Rand Corporation? Think the moon landing was filmed on the back lot of Paramount? Think an advanced alien race conquered the massive scientific problems inherent in interstellar travel only to crash in New Mexico and anally probe rednecks? Think the Holocaust never happened and those 6 million Jews are living with relatives in Madagascar? Think on 9/11 the US Government conspired to slaughter thousands of Americans just so Bush/Halliburton/Zionists/CIA/New World Order/Illuminati could invade Iraq in order to learn the secrets of the lost continent of Atlantis? Do you think the big auto makers are hiding the top secret hybrid engine the Mayans discovered over 2000 years ago that gets 9000 parsecs to a thimble of spotted owl sweat?
Well fret no more! My handy-dandy course will teach you, yes you, how to think like a conspiracy theorist in only nine easy steps!
1: Remember, you're right! No matter what the so-called experts say. No matter what the evidence suggests. No matter what reality, logic, basic cause and effect, or the very nature of the known universe demands, you are right because you think you are. This is the first and most important part of my program.
2: Anyone who disagrees with you is part of the conspiracy. People in conspiracies never admit they are part of the conspiracy, so if someone tells you there is no conspiracy, guess what? That's right, they're part of it, and out to get you.
3: Remember how important you are. You, yes you, are the one who sees through the fog of bullshit that all the fools have fallen for. If ten thousand experts say one thing and you say another, it just means you are that much more intuitive. Remember, the harder they oppose you, the more special you are!
4: Experts are always wrong. I mean really, when in the history of the universe has someone been more right simply because they know more about something? As if. So in keeping with that, make sure you always make the word official sound like it’s covered in a thin layer of slime. Make sure the word theory conveys the idea of something "they" made up after being drunk all night.
5: Never actually make a claim. You don't want to get drawn into a debate here; you're now a conspiracy theorist. Simply say things like "The evidence looks funny" and "Hmmm I wonder" and "Yes that's very convenient." Whatever you do, don't make a solid, verifiable claim that can actually be investigated or proved.
6: Remember they are out to get you! Never pass up an opportunity to remind people how oppressed you are. Remember that opposed equals right. They wouldn't be out to get you if you weren't right. And if people tell you that "They aren't out to get you and you're just being paranoid and in fact no one ever cares about you and for that matter, who the hell are you and what are you doing in my house?", ignore them!
7: Refer to "they" a lot. Don’t bother actually explaining who "they" are, but passively aggressively blame everything on "them" regardless.
8: Always, always, always demand "more study." They will always try to trick you by claiming that something has already been proven, sometimes proven over and over, but you know what I say, if the facts don't agree with you they haven't been proven enough! Make it sound so reasonable. "Well sure the 'experts' say that it hurts to poke yourself in the eye, but what's the harm in a little more study? I mean if you're right it will only prove you are right. What are you so afraid of?"
9: Every once in awhile, attack another conspiracy theory. Say things like "Listen, I'm not one of those idiots who say we didn't land on the moon; I'm just saying we never proved it wasn't made of green cheese."
= new reply since forum marked as read
