Bad advice: Share yours

[MrScorpio]

- Always say the first thing that pops into your head, don't bother thinking about it beforehand. Everyone will appreciate how candid you are.

- The best time to procrastinate is right before you procrastinate. It's like a doppler effect.

- Try to mix your metaphors like you would toss a salad.

- A stitch in time can repair the fabric of space.

- Leap before you look and appreciate all of the newly discovered scenery on your way down,


Your turn now.

[Chan790]

1. Dry cleaning is for fancy people.

That's one wedding dress that will never be the same.

[cyberswede]

2. Always let your 14 year old borrow your iPad...

especially when he's eating Cheetos.

[lovemydog]

31. When he's done with the Cheetos, smear the remainder on your fingers

and post mean personal comments to strangers on the internet. From your parents' basement!

[Throd]

3. Use acetone to start a barbecue

especially when you're very drunk.

[sarge43]

4. Try to please everyone; you'll be busy the rest of your life.

Tongue test electrical outlets -- quick and easy and riveting.

When the boss or any superior who controls your paycheck asks you "What do you think of my plan?", tell them what you really think of that cluster and don't hold back. You'll be proud of yourself, broke but proud.

When encountering a speed bump, floor it. The sensation is awesome.

Claim all your multiple personalities as dependents. The IRS has a great sense of humor.

[lovemydog]

34. If someone at the IRS doesn't get the joke, say 'hold on a minute'

and switch to your other personality. That'll clear things up,.

[logosoco]

5. Always mix a peroxide solution to clean a dog wound

in the same kind of water bottle you always drink from.

[Glorfindel]

6. The best way to lose weight is to take up smoking cigarettes

It dulls the appetite whilst satisfying the urge to put something in one's mouth.

[pinboy3niner]

7. When checking for a suspected gas leak, always light a match to see better. nt

[Duer 157099]

8. The best way to test a blade for sharpness is

to run it across your finger or palm.

[HeiressofBickworth]

9. Bad advice -- my grandmother to my mother:

The way to avoid pregnancy is to just hold back and not enjoy sex.

Yes, Grandma had 8 kids.

[Ron Obvious]

10. A mixture of ammonia and bleach is terrific for cleaning bathrooms

Sphincter whistling is a great icebreaker at parties

[NecklyTyler]

11. The Cops will let you go if you come clean and tell them everything

[Boxerfan]

12. I before E except after C...total waste of brain cells

And screwed up me spallin sumptin awfull

[lovemydog]

13. When you find out what someone does for work, say a cliche about their profession.

It's a great way to break the ice and get everyone around you laughing.

[Skittles]

14. BE YOURSELF

it's the worst advice you can give most people

[lovemydog]

18. Haha! I'm gonna remember that one!

[WhiteAndNerdy]

36. That's what I was going to say! nt

[orleans]

15. when you're lonely, sad, or bored

always feel free to call your best friend at 3:30 in the morning--even when they have to get up in a couple hours for work because if they're your best friend then they won't mind

[lovemydog]

19. Definitely orleans. If they don't answer, send a bunch of drunk texts.

That way they know you care.

[Sognefjord]

16. Always work unnecessary foreign phrases into the conversations even if you can't pronounce them

properly or always know what they mean. Do this with a superior air so people will admire you.

[lovemydog]

17. Oui, gracias, danke ooh la la.

[Sognefjord]

27. Mange tusen Takk! Ja vi elsker dette Landet. Nice to meetcha!

[lovemydog]

29. Nice to meetcha too. Care for some Champagnyah?

That is how we sophisticates pronounce the unique sparkly beverage from Champagnyah, Belgium. Or somewhere else in Canada.

[Sognefjord]

40. Yah, you betcha, Ein Prosit, tovaristch!

[Jokerman]

41. Walla!

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=walla

[Sognefjord]

43. Hasty la Vista, Felix Navidad

[Islandurp]

20. If you lose the remote control to your television...

Try cutting off your foreskin and stapling it to your forehead because of satellites.

[orleans]

21. now there's a real thread killer n/t

[Initech]

22. You can use old motor oil to fertilize your lawn.

[hunter]

23. "Eraserhead" is an excellent date movie.

The GPS is always right.

If your gas oven isn't heating up, try lighting it with a match.

Celebrate the Fourth of July by firing your guns at the sky.

Leave your clothes among the piles of seaweed while skinny dipping at night.

Bobcat and bear cubs are quite playful, very curious about people, and easy to photograph with an ordinary cell phone camera.

If the apes in the zoo are paying no attention to you, press your nose against the glass of their enclosure and stare at them.

Grandma's cat wants you to rub it's belly.

[lovemydog]

25. When photographing bear cubs remember their mothers should be close by

and will join in the fun.

[tabbycat31]

24. Ask everyone you know about their sex life

[lovemydog]

26. Especially STDs. People love that you're interested.

[ohnoyoudidnt]

28. If you want to ask your boss for a raise,

call him at home at 4 am on a Sunday.

[lovemydog]

30. That way he knows you're the 'go get-'em' type.

[lovemydog]

32. OMG this whole thread cracks me up. I've been texting a friend,

providing some of the bad advice on offer.

[Art_from_Ark]

33. You can pretend a bottle of Sprite or 7Up is champagne

by shaking it up real hard before opening it.

[lovemydog]

35. That's also great for contraception.

[LiberalEsto]

37. Gotta be Coke

Other flavors don't work

[kairos12]

38. Don't worry, with your gas gauge on empty you can go another 20 miles.

[Jamaal510]

39. Do donuts in your car in the middle of a freeway

-get drunk and try to run four laps around a school track afterwards
-spend your checks on video games and clothes before you spend it on food and bills
-wait until you're out of high school before you decide to learn how to drive
-smoke marijuana before class
-eat a lightbulb
-voting is for squares
-spend your money for tickets to a Raiders game
-never wear a cup while playing baseball
-go camping without bringing a sleeping bag or food
-wear your underwear on your head
-spend weekend nights watching LockUp instead of going out
-if you live in an apartment, the best time to blast your music is typically between 10PM and 8AM
-tell the truth whenever you are asked about your greatest weakness on a job interview

[lovemydog]

45. Smoking weed before a Raiders game

while wearing underwear on your head is perfectly acceptable as well. I feel your pain. My buddy is a Raiders fan too and just for his sake I'm hoping they turn things around. It's gotten to be a drag watching games with him. On the other hand I like the Jets & they suck too.

[Jamaal510]

49. I remember back in the day

when the Raiders and Jets would seemingly always meet in the postseason. Those were some good games, and I always got a kick out of hearing my dad and my brother complain about the Raiders not having any D and having to outscore the Jets.

[yuiyoshida]

42. omg..okay..

When walking about in Chinatown always greet people you meet with a cheery
'ching chong, ching chong, ching, chong!!" Tell them Rush Limbaugh taught you that!!!

[lovemydog]

46. Yes, that's a great way to meet people.

If they have any Chinese background, they really appreciate that you're speaking their native tongue.

[Lilyhoney]

44. Stuff your pockets full of high-quality catnip

then go to the zoo and hang out by the big cats. They will want to snuggle and play with you. It will be loads of fun.

[lovemydog]

48. Bring a junior high class trip, have them sneak into the pen.

It's educational.

[sakabatou]

47. Always look into green laser pointers

[Generic Brad]

50. Start Christian Ponder at quarterback

[Tobin S.]

51. Yeah, it probably wouldn't hurt none to take a leak on that electrified fence.

[orleans]

52. smoking marlboros makes you sterile

so if you don't have any "protection" just smoke a cigarette before having sex and...no worries

[kwassa]

53. Ignore the oil light on your car. It doesn't mean anything.

[bluedigger]

54. Always pet strange dogs.

Bonus points for reaching into open car windows to do it. They love that.

[JonLP24]

55. Most things you'd do on alcohol that you wouldn't normally do

http://www.damnfunnypics.com/2012/05/bad-advice-from-alcoholif-alcohol-could.html

[AwakeAtLast]

56. Measure once

Why waste time?

[orleans]

57. multi-tasking saves a lot of time

it is perfectly acceptable to eat, drink, smoke, put on make-up, and text a friend while you are driving

[orleans]

58. talking about religion and politics with the neighbors can be a lot of fun

[orleans]

59. if you're short on money always ask friends if you can borrow some

they never expect you to pay them back