HomeLatest ThreadsGreatest ThreadsForums & GroupsMy SubscriptionsMy Posts
DU Home » Latest Threads » Forums & Groups » Main » The DU Lounge (Forum) » The stages of grief they ...

Sun Oct 19, 2014, 08:55 PM

The stages of grief they don't talk about in the media.

I just got back to California from my mother's funeral and associated business in Michigan and going through the stages of grief was a long journey, much longer than I expected because I found myself experiencing things they don't talk about in popular psychology. And if you have not yet experienced a major loss in your life (and may your loved ones live long, long, and healthy live) you may find yourselves experiencing them. For those who have suffered loss, you may find that you are not alone:

1. Jealousy: "Why does (fill in the blank) get to live to 93 while my mom is dead?". Yes, I thought that. As I talked to people during Visitation, all I could think was how much older some people are compared to my mom when she passed. Why couldn't it be MY mom. Why can't she have another twenty years?". Never mind that mom had a peaceful, painless. By golly, I wanted her around as long as anyone else.

2. Confusion/Disorientation: One morning after the funeral, I took dad and my son out to breakfast. We we were all worn out from the previous two days and were just going to take it easy. But I might as well have been looking at Egyptian hieroglyphics instead of a menu. I could not understand a single word I was looking at. FINALLY, I realized I was looking at a food menu and was able to fumble around and pick something out. I was this useless for about two days.

3. Hope: For the first time in decades, this agnostic began hoping that all the things about Heaven that I heard in church were true. I clung to it as I looked at mom in her coffin. "It can't be the end. It has to be true that I'm going to see her again." And even now, I am holding out for the possibility that I indeed will.

I still feel her near me. i know I did in her house. I can still hear her voice. One way or another, whether it's a spirit or just memories. She'll always be with me.

16 replies, 3057 views

Reply to this thread

Back to top Alert abuse

Always highlight: 10 newest replies | Replies posted after I mark a forum
Replies to this discussion thread
Arrow 16 replies Author Time Post
Reply The stages of grief they don't talk about in the media. (Original post)
RandySF Oct 2014 OP
shenmue Oct 2014 #1
CaliforniaPeggy Oct 2014 #2
magical thyme Oct 2014 #3
AwakeAtLast Oct 2014 #4
orleans Oct 2014 #5
Hassin Bin Sober Oct 2014 #6
Arugula Latte Oct 2014 #7
orleans Oct 2014 #15
WinkyDink Oct 2014 #8
brer cat Oct 2014 #9
In_The_Wind Oct 2014 #10
CTyankee Oct 2014 #11
Lars39 Oct 2014 #12
riderinthestorm Oct 2014 #13
Tuesday Afternoon Oct 2014 #14
LineNew Reply .
LWolf Oct 2014 #16

Response to RandySF (Original post)

Sun Oct 19, 2014, 08:56 PM

1. I am so sorry

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to RandySF (Original post)

Sun Oct 19, 2014, 08:58 PM

2. My dear RandySF...

She WILL always be with you...

Our bonds with our loved ones are very strong. You've dealt with some very strong stuff surrounding your mom's death and funeral and I think that's why you're feeling all these things. It's your mind's way of coping and maybe even protecting you.

Be good to yourself.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to RandySF (Original post)

Sun Oct 19, 2014, 09:03 PM

3. ...

 

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to RandySF (Original post)

Sun Oct 19, 2014, 10:18 PM

4. My condolences to you and your family

I totally get #1, although I've not experienced that myself. You explained it very well, and I don't think I've ever heard anyone describe that feeling. Very brave of you.

I think #2 was shock finally settling in. I say that because it was after the funeral and you were probably letting down from being so strong. It takes a lot to get through the activities surrounding a funeral.

As for #3, we all need hope anywhere we can find it.

I am so sorry you are going through this, I am sure it is a tough road.





Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to RandySF (Original post)

Sun Oct 19, 2014, 10:56 PM

5. my heart goes out to you, randy

i certainly remember the confusion & disorientation -- i wasn't able to concentrate on reading anything for several months after my mom passed from this world. when i did, the first book i read was "we don't die" about the medium george anderson. after that, i read as many books on the afterlife as i could find. it was a tremendous comfort.

my mom was & has been around quite a bit. i've gotten countless "signs" from her, sometimes even within hours of asking for one; i still smell her mixture of powder & perfume on occasion, one of the lights in the house began working again after over 10 years of not working--it would flash on and off sometimes, sometimes it would just turn on and a couple hours later turn off--that went on for several months after her passing. there have been lots of things like that.

i don't doubt your mom is still near you.

i just want to let you know there is a bereavement group on du--it was my go-to place for several years here. hopefully you can find some comfort there as well.
http://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=forum&id=1234

"Your Mother is always with you. She’s the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street, she’s the smell of certain foods you remember, flowers you pick, the fragrance of life itself. She’s the cool hand on your brow when you’re not feeling well, she’s your breath in the air on a cold winter’s day. She is the sound of rain that lulls you to sleep, the colors of a rainbow, she is Christmas morning.

"Your Mother lives inside your laughter, and she’s crystallized in every tear drop. She’s the place you came from, your first home, and she’s the map you follow with every step you take. She’s your first love, your first friend, even your first enemy, but nothing on earth can separate you. Not time, not space….not even death."
-----Author unknown

take care.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to RandySF (Original post)

Sun Oct 19, 2014, 11:42 PM

6. I've been dealing a lot with the jealousy thing lately.

My brother died before Labor Day of a sudden heart attack a the age of 51.

I have also experienced guilt and anger about spending time with my sister in law - feeling like my brother should be there. I kinda went through the same thing when my mom passed and I spent time with my dad. It just didn't seem the same. It was hard at first.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to RandySF (Original post)

Sun Oct 19, 2014, 11:57 PM

7. Death of a loved one is surreal.

 

I remember when my dad died thinking: "Okay, he's been gone long enough. This is ridiculous. It's time for him to come back now."

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Arugula Latte (Reply #7)

Tue Oct 21, 2014, 12:35 AM

15. Yes! exactly!

sometimes i get so tired of missing my mom and i think i've gone through enough pain without her and i think "enough! that's it! just come back!" and then i quickly realize that's not happening so i usually work myself into this repeated chant of "i want to go back, i want to go back, i want to go back"

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to RandySF (Original post)

Mon Oct 20, 2014, 05:12 AM

8. {{{RandySF}}} I totally get it. I was/am still wondering why my husband's brother lived to 83, but

 

my husband died at 73.

And I'm exactly where you are with "Hope."

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to RandySF (Original post)

Mon Oct 20, 2014, 07:19 AM

9. It is not an easy, or quick, process.

I found it helpful to talk through it...finding a group where I was comfortable expressing the many emotions I was feeling. DU is here for you if you don't have a physical group.

She will always be with you.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to RandySF (Original post)

Mon Oct 20, 2014, 07:31 AM

10. . . .

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to RandySF (Original post)

Mon Oct 20, 2014, 09:22 AM

11. Do you remember what Joe Biden said to family members who lost a loved one in Iraq?

He said, "Even though you may not believe it now, the day will come when the memory of your loved one will bring a smile to your lips before it brings a tear to your eye." I remembered that. It was so caring and tender.

I had a very tough time getting over the sudden death of a beloved sister in law. I couldn't seem to get any better and I reached out to friends I know who have suffered terrible losses. They told me that eventually time would help. They were right. I now have wonderful conversations with her grown kids about our funny, warm memories of their mom. We are able to smile and be happy that she lived and touched our lives.

Take care of yourself and grieve and share your thoughts if you wish to. I wish you the very best.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to RandySF (Original post)

Mon Oct 20, 2014, 09:37 AM

12. I'm sorry for your loss, RandySF.

I personally found that #1 was actually anger more than jealousy. Anger at the injustice, not the survivors. It's a hard slog no matter how prepared you think you are.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to RandySF (Original post)

Mon Oct 20, 2014, 11:14 AM

13. My deepest sympathy RandySF.

 



May you find peace soon...

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to RandySF (Original post)

Tue Oct 21, 2014, 12:28 AM

14. Honestly, I am not sure anyone ever truly, gets over the death of their Mother.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to RandySF (Original post)

Tue Oct 21, 2014, 07:20 AM

16. .



From this mother of sons.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink

Reply to this thread