The Fear
The shock and numbness has subsided, now I have "The Fear". What the hell am I thinking? I'll be 50 years old next Tuesday and I'm packing up and moving to another state. I'm broke, have three soon-to-be homeless cats, no job lined up...I'm fucking scared to death.
Last nite, after finishing packing up the bedroom I decided to take a break. Bad idea. Breaks mean your mind has a chance to do its own thing. It decided to go into full panic mode. I was all alone, watching something useless on TV and I started shaking.
I'm not looking for sympathy. I can't tell my "RL" friends any of this. They'd worry too much and start showing up at my door. What's worse than being terrified alone? Having social anxiety and people showing up at your door. People who love you and make you cry. Fuck that. I feel safe telling you people. Y'know...just in case I go off the deep end and I need character witnesses or sumthin'. Plus, unlike the people that know me, you won't feel the need to endlessly tell me what a strong and independent woman I am. Like that matters in a situation like this. Strong and independent women still have nervous breakdowns.
Love you all. You're a special little group of misfits.
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Worrying about your fur-babies is probably the worst part right now. 
This helps me with anxiety and I hope you'll try it.
Breathe. Close your eyes and take long breaths....count to five breathing in, and five breathing out. You may only be able to do it for a few minutes to start off, but it forces your mind to focus on breathing, and distracts it from the continual loop of worry so there's some space in between your thoughts.
It sounds simple and it is, but very effective.
I've been where you are and I know you're scared because of the uncertainty you face. It's ok to feel that way. Please remember to be kind to yourself...know that all of us are here rooting for you, sending light and love your way.
...I know I'll be okay. I'm just overwhelmed. I really need to go to the store. I've been living on water and cigarettes since Sunday. I'm just not anxious to go out in public. I think I really need to eat real food.
Thank you, again. It's weird, but whenever someone else is going through hard times I always say, "I've been there" and assume it doesn't make a difference to the person. It does, though. Part of my brain has taken a vacation, that's how The Fear snuck in. Hearing those words reminds me that I've been here before, too. I survived. It's never easy, it's terrifying, heartbreaking...but, I survive.
But you know, your mind cannot possibly predict what's down the road for you in a month, in a year, in five years. So why worry about the worst? Although it doesn't seem like it now when you're in the thick of it, what you're going through may be the best thing to ever happen to you.
Tell that fear to go take a hike. Lift your face to the sun, and move forward as the beautiful survivor you are. And please remember to eat!
