I need some medical advice--quick!

[Orrex]

Let's hear it!

[Downwinder]

1. If this is an emergency, please dial 911.

[Orrex]

2. I thought that was if I need help with a phone number?

[Downwinder]

4. For all other calls, please hold,

an operator will assist you shortly.

[FSogol]

3. Drink liberally, repeat often.

[Orrex]

5. Well, you're the doctor.

[elleng]

11. You doin that, FS???

[FSogol]

12. Yes, that's my lifestyle. I remember a WAPO reporter at the beginning

of O'Malley's campaign wrote that the candidate appeared in an Irish pub, his natural habitat. That's my natural habitat too.

[elleng]

13. Y'all are NATURALS!!!

Nothing like MINE, tho. My daughter + her husband? That's a different story! Their favorite vacation is to Dublin, but having a kid has slowed them down a bit!

[mak3cats]

22. Irish Car Bomb!!

I've had a couple, and both were well worth the headache the next day.

(And sorry that you've been disappointed. You and elleng did your candidate proud.)

[sharp_stick]

6. Try to relax

when you hear the glove snap.

[Orrex]

7. What is this? The DMV?

[dixiegrrrrl]

8. Don't panic until the contractions are 1 minute apart.

or if you are a man and having them.

[Orrex]

9. Hmm. Do not use "can't" and "don't" within 60 seconds of one another. Got it.

Thanks!

[RushIsRot]

10. Put on clean underwear.

[Thor_MN]

14. Has it really been 4 hours?

If it has, apply ice and think about baseball.

[lastlib]

15. My advice to you....

...is to start drinking heavily!

Now just leave everything up to me!

[rug]

16. Don't touch it.

[davsand]

17. Don't lick that! n/t

[WinkyDink]

18. Take two and don't call me in the morning!

[Corgigal]

19. Naps cure all

And for the things it doesn't, well you'll be more refreshed.

[Laffy Kat]

20. Keep it elevated for God's sake!

Then alternate ice and heat.

[pinboy3niner]

21. But not for more than 4 hours

[noamnety]

23. This is something you can take out yourself.

Stitching it up is probably the hardest part, but there are some good youtubes on how to do it.

[doc03]

24. Even though I call myself doc03 I am not a doctor

my advice is if you have an erection that lasts more than 4 hours go to the ER.

[Callmecrazy]

25. If you pick at it...

It'll leave a scar.

[3catwoman3]

26. Do not make 2 medical appointments...

...in the same half of the same day, and always take a book to an appointment.

[bluedigger]

27. Well, it's clear you've come to the right place.

Stop picking at it.

[hibbing]

28. Neosporon n/t

[A HERETIC I AM]

29. Leave your fingers on the end of your hands

You don't know where they have been

[GreydeeThos]

30. As your attorney, I advise you to drive at top speed

[Orrex]

31. A thing worth doing is worth doing right.

[Hayduke Bomgarte]

32. Rub some dirt on it and

Walk it off.

[pinboy3niner]

33. My God, man, cauterize it immediately!

And next time don't stoop to pick something up near the door buzzard.

[Orrex]

34. Merry Christmas!

[betsuni]

35. If it hurts when you do that, don't do that.

[Fla Dem]

36. Don't push, let it happen naturally! nt

[Phentex]

37. Is it yellow or green?

I can't dispense advice without knowing this first.

[JustABozoOnThisBus]

38. You have no heartbeat. You have no hearts. Take two aspirin ...

... it gets better.

[hamsterjill]

39. Everything in moderation...

But that's no fun.

[Major Nikon]

50. ...including moderation

[Iggo]

40. See a doctor and get rid of it.

[LynneSin]

41. The perils of Bacon are highly overrated

I suggest putting Bacon on everything

[Samantha]

42. Your call is very important to us

All of our operators are busy with other customers. Your expected wait time is the rest of your life. Please hold.

Sam

[magical thyme]

43. glass of red wine with dinner every night

cures everything. What it doesn't cure, it prevents.

[jomin41]

44. Let the dog lick it.

[LeftishBrit]

45. My favourite medical advice rhyme:

Eat no green apples or you'll droop.
Be careful not to get the croup.
Avoid the chicken-pox and such.
And don't fall out of windows much.

[Laffy Kat]

53. Sounds like Dorothy Parker.

[LeftishBrit]

55. It's actually someone called Edward Anthony, of whom I'd otherwise never heard

[Laffy Kat]

56. Thanks! nt

[clarice]

46. Have patients. nt

[Dr. Strange]

47. If you find that faint light, like that emitting from a full moon...

upon hitting your optic nerve, causes a circular crusted cyst to form on your eye

THAT'S AMORE!

[discntnt_irny_srcsm]

48. according to My Big Fat Greek Wedding...

...most things can be cured by Windex.

[Marie Marie]

49. Don't drink the Kool-Aid.

[Major Nikon]

51. Coffee keeps the lead in your pencil

http://www.menshealth.com/health/daily-drink-could-fight-erectile-dysfunction

[LiberalEsto]

52. Press 1 for hours, press 2 for directions, press 3 to speak to the front desk...

If this is an emergency, call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.

Please hold, your call will be answered in the order it came in. At this time you are number 82...

[pinboy3niner]

54. ...press 4 for self-destruct to end your misery right now. nt

[kairos12]

57. Stay ready so you don't have to get ready.