CDC Horrified After Discovering Existence Of Thousands Of Public Pools

[Snarkoleptic]

http://www.theonion.com/article/cdc-horrified-after-discovering-existence-thousand-53098?utm_content=Main&utm_campaign=SF&utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=SocialMarketing

WASHINGTON—Calling the finding an imminent threat to public health nationwide, horrified officials from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention convened an emergency press conference Wednesday to announce they had discovered the existence of thousands of public pools throughout the country.

Visibly alarmed CDC personnel explained that they received a disturbing report last week of a municipal park in Astoria, NY that contained what they described as “an in-ground reservoir filled with approximately 40,000 gallons of tepid water mixed with human sweat, body hair, bacteria, and mucus.” The officials stated that further investigation revealed dozens of similar cases in the surrounding area, touching off fears of a widespread epidemic.

“We initially believed the pool in Astoria was an anomaly, but as we widened our search, we found this troubling phenomenon in nearly every population center we looked—the situation is far worse than anything we could have ever imagined,” said CDC director Thomas Frieden, who added that confirmed accounts of the large repositories of filth-suffused liquid have since been documented in all 50 states. “Our preliminary estimates indicate that millions of Americans may have already come into contact with these communal bathing sites. And perhaps most frighteningly, our models suggest that we may have discovered them too late to contain further spread.”

“We urge citizens to take common-sense precautions by avoiding these public pools, as well as any dripping wet or towel-clad individuals who may have recently been exposed to one,” he continued. “While it’s important that citizens not panic, we want to make it clear to the public just how disgusting these things are.”

[Wounded Bear]

1. It is a well-known historical fact...

that communal bathing led to the downfall of the Roman Empire, in just a few short centuries.

[Bluzmann57]

2. Ah man... Now I gotta sell the house

And move to some exclusive neighborhood where we will be ostracized because 1- we have little money and 2- I have a minority child. I just knew that pool across the street was trouble. Imagine, charging a whole dollar to swim? What is wrong with America?