Breaking: Donald Trump selects Official White House Pets
TRUMP TOWER (Spurious News Network) -- Following weeks of speculation, President-Elect Donald Trump has selected the Official White House Pets.
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Mr. Trump conducted a press conference on the sidewalk in front of Trump Tower to display the animals that will accompany him on his amazing journey: a breeding pair of Tasmanian devils who were captured in the wild and named after his parents, Fred and Mary Ann Trump. Upon lifting the veil covering their cages, the assembled reporters immediately retreated to Brooklyn.
Later on Fox News, Trump explained the significance behind their selection. "We were drawn to their reproductive strategy. A Tasmanian devil gives birth to fifty kittens who immediately square off in a fight to the death for one of the four nipples in a female devil's pouch. I couldn't think of a more appropriate symbol of my administration." Trump was asked NOT to bring the devils to the studio with him.
When asked which one was which, Trump shrugged: "No one's been brave enough to get that close."
Tasmanian president Jim Wilkinson questioned not only Trump's sanity but the legality of this move. "You need a licence to remove devils from Tasmania. He didn't ask for one and we wouldn't have given it to him if he had. One devil would make a poor excuse for a house pet, and two would be even worse. They look like a twenty-pound rat. They're born pissed off and get worse as they go along. You feed them the way they fed the velociraptors in Jurassic Park. They're solitary. They're nocturnal. They can gnaw their way out of a gaol cell. If you try petting one, it'll probably eat your hand. They have a scream that'll curdle your blood...and as for the stench...oh my. You Yanks have this lovely expression about bad-smelling things, 'it'll curl your nose hairs.' Well, a devil's odor won't curl your nose hairs. It'll make them fall out."
Sir Peter Cosgrove, Governor-General of Australia, was slightly philosophical: "There's no possible way those devils could possibly trash America as badly as Trump is going to."
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