Adventures in tech support.

[Orrex]

ME: Ok, that's easy to fix. Please type in your code, and then press ENTER.

CUSTOMER: So I should press ENTER?

ME: First type your code, then press ENTER.

CUSTOMER: Press ENTER and then my code?

ME: No, type your code--

CUSTOMER: Now?

ME: And then press ENTER.

CUSTOMER: Ok, I typed my code.

ME: .........Did you press ENTER?

CUSTOMER: <<BEEP>> Ok, I pressed it.

ME: Well, you have to do it all together.

CUSTOMER: You didn't say that.

ME: Ok, let's try again. Type your code, and then immediately press ENTER.

CUSTOMER: Ok, I typed it.

ME: Your code and then ENTER?

CUSTOMER: My code.

ME: And ENTER?

CUSTOMER: <<BEEP>> Yes.

ME: Ok, but you have to do them straight through, no pause.

CUSTOMER: Do what?

ME: Type your code and then press ENTER.

CUSTOMER: I already did that.

ME: All right. Let's give it another go.

CUSTOMER: I don't know why I'm paying you people when you can't solve a simple problem. Can I talk to someone who knows what they're doing?

ME, internally: Sir, I ask myself that same question all the time.

[janlyn]

1. Oh,yes i remember those days

Glad i don't have to deal with it anymore! I had one lady who said the battery had run down on her device and turned off,she charged it but it wasn't on. I said, Ma'am push the green button. She says Oh,you fixed it you're a genius. *sigh*

[uriel1972]

2. "Where's the ANY key?"...

[Iggo]

3. I would like to choose the space bar. Can I choose the space bar?

[oldcynic]

4. Not Fair!

C'mon. Suppose I told you to press the hsitosu button. Some of us don't speak the language at all or only a few words of it. We're pretty much helpless and it takes longer to catch on. Have pity!

[Orrex]

5. You know, that's a fair point.

I talk to a lot of people for whom English is a second (or third) language, and I have no problem taking it slower with them. The way I figure it, their vocabulary is twice (or 3X) the size of mine, so I owe them the respect of courtesy at the very least.

But in the example above, the anonymous Customer is a basic American mutt, by far the most typical customer I get on the phone. If he's not understanding a simple concept, it's not because of a language barrier!

[oldcynic]

7. technospeak is another language

For instance: "Unofficial DU3 Basic HTML Reference Lookup Table [View all]" from your own 'Community Help'. I understand a few words but they don't mean anything. I just give up in despair and think the tech is a mutt. The less I understand the more adversarial and the more frozen my brain gets. Keep in mind, anyone born before the millennium spent most of their lives never hearing technospeak. It's like automobiles. My mechanic says you need to push the whazit button and I can't even find it. I don't care how it works, just explain slowly and make it work. Brain freeze is real.

[Orrex]

8. Yes, but we're not talking about esoteric or arcane terminology here

It's not at all like automobiles or HTML reference lookups; if they can dial a touch-tone phone, they can use this keypad. It's a 10-button number pad with an ENTER key and an ESCAPE key. And I know that they can dial a touch-tone phone, because my company's system would otherwise have auto-introduced the call to me as "rotary caller."

Before the conversation even begins, I have to confirm that the user knows their code, so that's not an issue.

I admit that I'm only assuming that they know that the key with ENTER printed on it is the ENTER key, so I'm taking a small leap of faith there.


In short, they are simply not doing what I'm telling them to do to solve their problem, after they've called specifically to have someone tell them what to do to solve their problem.

[oldcynic]

11. (sigh) I'm sorry you don't get it n/t

[mythology]

12. It's not rocket science. It's no more complicated than using an ATM machine

At some point, people need to be able to either understand the basics or they need to stop, ask a clarification question and then proceed. If it's not possible to go do it for them, then they need to take some personal responsibility.

[Orrex]

13. HOLY SHIT THANK YOU!

I've been doing this kind of job for 20 years, and I've taken well over 100,000 calls by now. I believe that I'm qualified to say when someone simply doesn't get it and when someone should get it.

If a person has the wherewithal to use a key to unlock their own door and to use a phone to call me for assistance, I am fully capable of tailoring my offered technical advice to that person's skill set.

I've given this basic technical instruction to people who, by their own assertion, are over 90 and also to people who are under 13. I know how to do it.

And I can also discern when someone is an asshole, someone who has decided--in defiance of reality--that they know what they're doing, and they resent me for answering when they call for technical assistance.


Thank you for stating the obvious!

[Kimchijeon]

6. I wouldn't have the patience!

[gratuitous]

9. My computer won't come on at all

Okay, have you checked the cords? Is it plugged in?

Yeah, it's all plugged in, but I'm not even getting the little light on the monitor.

When did you first notice this?

About 10 minutes ago.

10 minutes ago. So it's really recent.

Yeah, I was watching TV and I think the power went out, so I figured I'd check e-mail on my desktop computer.

Oh, okay. I think I see the problem now.

Is it serious?

Yeah, pretty serious. I need you to retrieve all the original packaging, or as much as you have, and box up your computer.

Uh oh. Then what?

Then take it back to the guy who sold it to you, ask for a refund, and tell him you're too fucking stupid to own a computer.

*CLICK!*

[Orrex]

10. Yeah, see, I think I'd get a demerit for that

#maybeworthit