Not all of our mothers were wonderful.

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

Today is Mother's Day, and it is appropriate that we honor our mothers. But not all of our mothers were wonderful.

I'm one of six children. Three boys and three girls. I was by far my mother's least favorite child. I always knew that, and I can joke about it. But I'm not about to pass on some mindless FB posting about how wonderful mothers are. Because my own mom, who did have many good qualities, was not the mother of legend or of FB commemoration.

I am a mother myself. I have two grown sons, and several years ago I told them that the absolutely must call me on Mother's Day (I really wish they'd send flowers also, sigh), my birthday, Thanksgiving Day, and Christmas. The point is that I shouldn't expect them to read my mind (I should tell them how much I'd love flowers) and so I tell them explicitly what I want.

My own mother passed away almost 20 years ago. When she was still alive I did call her on the appropriate occasions, sent her flowers, and so on. She did deserve such things. And I do miss her.

Nonetheless, Happy Mother's Day to all.

And to those women who are not mothers, please don't feel bad or sorry for yourself. I have no grandchildren, and I've learned to ignore grandparent/grandchildren related things. It's okay just to be a human being by yourself. Really.

[bcbink]

1. Not all mothers.

Many of us have a rough time on this day.

[Squinch]

2. Poindexter, this is a good thing to say today, though I suspect you'll get some flak.

Our culture loves to insist on this myth of mystical motherhood which is actually quite destructive. It makes many woman choose motherhood who were never meant to be mothers, and it often makes those who do become mothers feel inadequate and isolated.

The fact is that motherhood is a hard slog and mothers are people. Some are good people, some are evil, some are good at being mothers, some suck at it.

Many of us were raised by the ones who sucked at it, and this is an odd day for us.

I chose not to be a mother. Because my mother would not fulfill her responsibilities, I already had the experience of raising children and keeping a house when I was a child myself. I knew what it entailed and didn't want it. I have never regretted my decision.

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

4. Thank you.

"Mystical Motherhood" is a good way to express it.

I like to think I was a good mom. You'd have to talk to my sons (well away from me, I'm sure) to get the truth about me as a mother.

I don't want to be disrespecting my own mom, but I want to be honest. I knew from an early age that I was by far her least favorite, and of course that was somewhat painful. Mom died in 1999, so I have enough distance and perspective to make jokes, to understand.

I think the problem with Mother's Day, at least as promulgated in this country, is that it assumes all mothers are wonderful and deserving of honor. There's also an unexpressed sentiment that women who are not mothers are some how inferior. That's bullshit. Not to mention, not all mothers are wonderful. Okay, so I can tell my sons they absolutely must call me this day, and that's a transaction between us. And yes, I wish they'd think to send me flowers, but I could also let the know that I'd like said flowers. They should not be expected to read my mind.

And for all of you women out there who are not mothers, please do not let this day make you sad or angry or anything else. Just ignore it. Yes, ignore it. There's a Grandparent's Day out there. I'm not a grandparent, probably will never be, and even thought I'm slightly sad at that, it's only slightly. So what if I never have grandchildren? Big deal. I have a lot of friends who never married or married and never had kids. There is NOTHING inherently superior about having kids. It's just one way or living your life. But I hope you already get that, and are good at ignoring commercialized expectations such as Mother's Day.

So, on that note, Happy Mothers Day to all. Because every one of you had a mother, and I sincerely hope you can wish her well on this day. And if not, that's okay. Just move on and make your own life. Really.

[Wawannabe]

3. Agreeing with you

I always buy blank cards and write Happy Mothers Day because my Mother isn't what the cards say. I honor her for bringing me in to this world and to my tenth year. But that is all. I raised myself from then on.

Stayed with families I admired, foster care. She did teach me how NOT to be a mother.

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

5. Thank you.

Blank cards are often a good idea for any holiday, because our own personal sentiments may not align with the cards.

I often have trouble finding a birthday card for my sons, because the sentiments on the cards don't match what I feel. I think, and this is thanks to you, that I simply need to use a blank card for each of them every year.

[Shanti Mama]

6. Thank you for writing this.

My mother was, deep down, a good woman, but confused, lonely, alcoholic, trying to hard to be a good wife, but failing. She was not a good mom. I try to be, hope I've been. My kids tell me I am, but ha!

I didn't adopt my two children until my 40s, so this day was tough for me for a long time. I get it and my heart goes out to child-free women, who are so for whatever reason.

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

7. Yep. There needs to be a

Non Mothers Day, to validate all those women who aren't mothers.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

23. A few other childless old lady friends and I celebrate Unmother's Day

on Mother's Day. This afternoon we will be going out for brunch after the Mother's Day brunch crowd subsides. We do this every year. None of us feels at all bad about not being mothers and we are celebrating the fact that we're not. My own mother was a great mom and I miss her, but even so I never felt the need to be one myself.

[Kali]

44. March 8th.

International Women's Day. Includes all women.

[mitch96]

16. My mother was, deep down, a good woman, but confused, lonely, alcoholic

Same here...
Never knew what was gonna happen next growing up. She taught me alot about life though.
Like trust.
It goes both ways. You can trust it's gonna happen or you can trust it's not gonna happen.
When drunk she would promise the little 6 year old a new bike, then smack him when sober for lying about a new bike..
So I learned from an early age, if someone says or does something and then it happens, you can trust that statement or action will happen in the future. If someone says or does something and it does not happen, well you can trust that person does not follow thru on the statement or action in the future... Followed that rule all my life. Crappy way to learn it but it stuck!!
m

[betsuni]

8. Argh. I still hear my dead mother's voice in my head

and it's always something passive-aggressive: Are you going to wear that old thing? (about a dress she urged me to buy). Why don't you do something with your hair, don't you want to look decent? Oh, you don't want to gain anymore weight, do you? You're wearing so much make-up, you look like a harlot. You look pale, why not put on a little make-up, don't you want to look decent? Why are you reading that stupid book? (when I'm reading a book she has no idea about). You're wasting your life. You'll never be successful. You're a failure only to spite me. Etc. She never, ever, told anyone explicitly what she wanted and was always disappointed, got really mad when nobody could read her mind.

Both of my siblings have had therapy, not me. I don't know, our parents were nutty, not my problem. Therapy is expensive. None of us have children. My brother said it was like an Aliens movie: imperative that the aliens not spawn because that would only cause more big trouble. I don't miss my mother. I'm extremely happy I didn't have to be in charge of children. I can't even handle a pet.

My husband's family name dies out with him because we didn't have children, so does my family name because my brother didn't. I don't care. I'm sure the dead ancestors don't care either, unless they're really OCD passive-aggressive, in which case they are dead so I don't care and they can haunt me all they want but it won't make a difference.

[a la izquierda]

9. My mom is great, but...

It wasn't always so and she and I have an odd relationship. I am frequently on other continents during Mothers Day, so i rarely see her for this day.
I chose not to have kids. I have dogs instead. Two of them died this year, so today (for a lot of reasons), is hard for me.

[Generic Brad]

10. I always meet this day with sadness

I picked the wrong wife - why couldn't I have settled on a white girl? I'm going to burn in hell because I don't go to church. I should give up on my career and look for something in the service industry - set my sights lower. My daughter is annoying and she really likes her all white grandchildren better. I need to give her money.

I don't need or want that in my life. Not all of our mother's deserve to be honored today.

[llmart]

11. Very relevant thing to say today...

Personally, I don't like most holidays the way they are promoted nowadays. It's all about buy, buy, buy and not about what one is supposed to be celebrating, not to mention they have created all new holidays to coerce people into buying more. I think Mothers Day and Fathers Day used to mean more and not be so commercial, but so did all other holidays. Don't get me started on Halloween.

I think a large percentage of people find some of these holidays just occasions of sadness, whether it's because your mother died, or she was a terrible mother, or you are not a mother and wanted to be or vice versa...you get my drift. There are some holidays that I just get through the day by telling myself I'll be so glad when it's over.

I'm very fortunate in that I have two terrific adult children and had a loving mother, but I hate it when my children feel they have to do something for me. If they're married they may have more than one "mother" to honor and buy something for or spend time with, etc. and it's too much pressure on them. Nevertheless they still both do something for me, but they are good to me throughout the year and I wish they wouldn't feel obligated. I just wish more people would stop feeling the need to do whatever the advertisers tell them to do.

[mchill]

12. I had a great mom, but

I lost her when I was 14. When you lose your mother at that age, anyone talking bad about their mother, in front of you, strikes you very hard...if they only knew, sigh (I'm over that now, but it took decades). My therapist said I was lucky to know the best kind of mother love for a shortened period, than having a bad mother, full stop. Only in retrospect can that be true.

Be the best mother you know how Mothers, as it does matter.

[BallardWA]

13. There will be no "deathbed reunion"

To all of us who survived our mothers instead of being nurtured by them:
Peace to you on this day.

[Lucky Luciano]

14. Yep - my mother pretty much sucked too

I think she had undiagnosed borderline personality disorder.

My girlfriend who became my wife never liked my mother because my mother was the type who talked and never listened - hence by g/f avoided coming to dinner if my mom was in town - eventually, my mother got the message when I always had to explain why my girlfriend couldn't make it. When I said we were getting married, she got very upset. I pushed back - she called my wife a c**t, said all kinds of nasty things like it should have been me that died instead of my sister etc. So I cut her off 6 years ago.

When our son was born, my little brother broke the confidence I gave him never to tell her that a son was on the way - then she demanded pictures and visitation - fuck off I said...then she threatened to throw my fathers ashes in the sewer. I ignored that threat. As expected, it was an empty threat - I confirmed when she died in October and we had to get to her house to clean it out - we found the ashes. My older brother broke my confidence by sending her a single picture of my son (he didn't have more pics because we were always worried about a leak to my mother) - he was threatened with being written out of the will which isn't even that much - and unfortunately, he is morally awful when it comes to wills. So now, my older brother is cut off and my younger brother too! I can be more forgiving there, but my wife is a "one strike and you're out" type of person - i.e. "If someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time."

In the end, when she died, I was pretty much like "Whatevs" .

[BallardWA]

17. Lucky you

Mine is still alive and stalking me on the internet.
I'm sort of in the witness protection program, and
have lost all of my big Italian family to her lies.

It's OK, though. Eight years of therapy, spelling it out
with venn diagrams and graphs on white boards have
brought great clarity.

"I have learned that to be with those I love is enough" Walt Whitman

[Wawannabe]

39. My mother

Threatened to lawyer up to get visitation of my son. I called her bluff. She never made a move legally.
Meh

[panader0]

15. My children's mother left when my kids were 10, 3, 2 and 2.

I asked her "What about the kids?" She said "I don't want them,
I only had them because you wanted them." She also left my step-son,
the 10 year old. So no, not all mothers are wonderful.
Both daughters are now college graduates and both sons are in
the Coast Guard.

[Canoe52]

18. Thanks for starting this thread,

Maybe we can make it an annual thing?
It's good to hear others share about not so great mothers.
It would always take me a long time to pick out a card to send to my mother, so many say how great you are mom, or how loving. The ones that said you made me the person I am today would be total snark on my part. Sometimes I'd have to hold my nose and send one because I couldn't find a more generic one.
So this year I did what some of you did, bought a blank card wrote happy Mother's Day, hope you have a nice day.
Hugs everyone!

[Wawannabe]

40. Hi canoe!

Hugs back at ya!
Hootie does a short song called Motherless Child. Less than one minute long. Look it up on Youtube. I can groove to it haunting as it is.

[Duppers]

19. My mother is narcissistic to a degree.

Need I say more. I severely limit contact but do call and send flowers.
Btw, therapy helped...me, that is.

Nevertheless, HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY to all those loving, giving moms out there! Including furkids moms!

💐

[mountain grammy]

20. 3 kids, 5 grandkids, I think I can say

Last edited Sun May 14, 2017, 12:59 PM - Edit history (1)

motherhood is overrated... just my opinion. Love all my kids/grandkids with all my heart. Call me, don't call me, it's not important.. They're there when I need them, I'm here when they need me, and whenever possible, we get together just for fun. Works for us.

[BlancheSplanchnik]

29. I also think motherhood is overrated.

It would be better for the planet, the animals, plants and everyone if more people weren't sucked into the romanticized fantasies. (And if women everywhere were in control of our own bodies.)

[mountain grammy]

33. Ain't that the truth!

Hi Blanche

[BlancheSplanchnik]

47. Hi mg!!

😄

[NNadir]

21. My wife was my mother-in-law's least favorite child. Early in our marriage, we moved...

...and didn't tell her where we moved, because my wife was fed up with the special bad treatment. On my father's death bed, he asked my wife to forgive her mother, and she did. When we flew back East to my father's funeral, she called her mother and re-established contact.

I'm glad she did.

We clarified what we were willing to accept and movement toward peace was made on both sides.

My mother-in-law is my two son's last surviving grandparent, and we will go to see her today in the assisted living home where she lives, bring her presents and spend some time with her, knowing what we know about who she is and who she was, forgiving and being forgiven. She doesn't have much time left, and should die in peace.

Happy Mothers Day.

[mnhtnbb]

22. Really.

My mother has been dead for almost 17 years now and I do not miss her. Most of the time I don't even think about
her. Strangely enough, like lunatica's mom (post #6) on kpete's thread https://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=view_post&forum=1002&pid=9062280
she was also a UC Berkeley grad (1929) and a smart woman, but she
lacked kindness and empathy. Nothing I did was ever good enough, and when I achieved something I'd worked for
(but she didn't approve of as a goal) she would tell me that if I only spent as much time studying as I did "xxxx", I might make something of myself.
I hold a BS and MPH from UCLA (she never got a master's) and I ended up making more money in a year than she probably
made in her entire career as a French/Spanish teacher. So--according to her standards--I ended up doing ok for myself. Did I ever hear that from her?
Not a chance. So fuck you, mom. This is the woman who, when I came home from school and told her JFK had been assassinated said, "it's about time!" and 20 years later had a photo of Ronald Reagan hung on her kitchen wall. In high school, we were arguing about the Vietnam war one night at dinner and she threw the glass of milk she was drinking in my face for arguing with her. When I was in my 20's, she tried to dump a bowl of salad on my head one time when I was visiting with my first husband (whom she adored and publicly told everyone what a mistake I was making when I divorced him) over some minor thing that I disagreed with her about while we were fixing dinner.

Well, she's dead now and has been feeding the fish for a very long time. I did my best--as a mother--to not repeat her behavior with
my boys when they were growing up.

[Wawannabe]

41. Go girl!

My sis told me our mom had breast cancer. I said - figures.
The last time I saw her -at a funeral -she turned her back on me. I'll not go to her's. Sisters will f'ing come unglued ...
Meh

[mnhtnbb]

45. There was no funeral or memorial service for my mother

because it was her choice. She probably knew no one would come!

My brother (always my mom's favorite) was the one who was looking in on my parents (in assisted living) because he was more
often in California on business. I had just moved to North Carolina when I got the phone call from my dad that she'd died.
My brother was in Greece on business, so I was the one who had to go and take care of things. My mother had been living
in the skilled nursing side of the assisted living facility and my dad was in the locked memory care unit because he'd suffered
a post-operative dementia after having an elective surgery for a hernia repair. My mom was all there mentally at the end--but had
heart disease--and my dad was losing it mentally but ok physically. It was tough. A couple of months later I went back to California and
moved my dad here to NC where he lived until he died about 18 months later.

[TheOther95Percent]

24. My post would say: Not all of our fathers were wonderful.

He was emotionally and physically abusive. I didn't speak to him for the last 4 years of his life after he punched me about his sandwich needing more mustard. I walked out of the house and never went back. My siblings understood.

I honestly hated the man. I was much luckier with my father-in-law. He passed away in 2010 and I miss him.

So I really understand when people tell me that a parent fell far short of any Hallmark card tribute.

Happy Sunday to all.

[SwissTony]

38. My father was an ahole.

(Don't mean to hijack the thread).

He was physically abusive, particularly towards my mother and my older sister. I was next in line, but didn't suffer nearly as much as they did. When the bastard died, I didn't even go to his funeral.

My mother was a difficult woman. I guess she had to be. My parents married in post war Britain and their was still some degree of rationing. Plus she married an a'hole (yeah, I know, if she hadn't, I wouldn't be around). So, circumstances weren't great. But she brought up 5 kids, got me through university. We had times when we'd be very close and times when we hated each other e.g. she'd read something in the Adelaide News (which is basically where Rupert Murdoch got his start) and maintain it was true even when it was obvious bullshit.

But I loved her and I know she loved me.

My mother-in-law was one of the nicest people you could ever hope to meet. She had so much time and patience withe everyone, particularly kids. She could walk into a room where 10 kids were having full contact karate fights and have all of them settled in about 5 seconds. She was wonderful.

I have only one complaint...she and my wife, when they got together, would not stop talking!!! I mean it. Neither of them ever drew breath. They wouldn't stop talking. From pre-dawn to post-dusk. They didn't know what silence was.



But she was a lovely, kind woman.

And it's an inter-generational thing. My daughter and my wife can't stop talking to each other!!



When they get together, I just retreat to my man cave.

[WinkyDink]

25. "to those women who are not mothers, please don't feel bad or sorry for yourself." Never occurred

to me!

[oldtime dfl_er]

26. Thank you for starting this thread

I've read every response, and for many of them, I've found parallels to my own life and my own mother. She's still alive, and still loves to play favorites. This can be a very damaging game when you grow up in a large family and are NOT (and I never was) among the favorites. Now that I'm an adult, and she's very old, I can see the illness behind it, but the damage is done, and it is lasting. Division, anger, hate. And she still laughs at the misfortunes of her own children.

I send her a card because I'm a good person, not because I expect her to appreciate it.

[BlancheSplanchnik]

27. My mother was pretty monstrous. Or helicoptering and enmeshed.

Both were hell.
I'm not hurt by Mother's Day schmaltz like I used to be.

I'm quite glad that I knew long ago I didn't want kids; the planet definitely is thankful for all who don't breed; and breeding is no antidote for loneliness.

[Turbineguy]

28. My Mother

became a widow at age 25. I think if I had not been born, she could have started a new life, as it were, leaving her past behind. My existence prevented that. She got remarried and had 3 more children, but my Father's shadow was ever present and the marriage did not work out.

It wasn't until I was taking care of her during her last days of life and all the anger, resentment and guilt fell away, I discovered the woman my Father fell in love with.

So based on those 2 days, I wish her Happy Mothers day.

[Wawannabe]

42. Hi Turbineguy

Well,
we can maybe hope for some other short miracles, eh?

Blessings on your day!

[alarimer]

30. Someone wished me a happy Mother's Day yesterday. I have no kids.

I didn't quite know how to react to that. I wasn't offended, but didn't know whether I should correct this person or not. I didn't. I am only bothered by the assumption that because of my gender, I must be a mother.

I didn't have kids for a variety of reasons, one of which is that I wanted to be an independent person and being tied to another through marriage didn't seem at all like a good idea to me. I have a partner now (we're not married but may in the future). I've also never considered myself a "kid" person, don't really like them, don't really want to be around them, etc.

But also, I am not that close to my mother. I just don't know why really. I was not abused or mistreated in any way. So I don't get it.

[athena]

34. I think it's sexist and patronizing.

I actually feel offended when someone wishes me a happy mother's day. The best way to respond to it is to immediately say, "I'm not a mother." And when they say, "Oh, I'm sorry," say, "Why? I'm not sorry!" (I didn't think to respond this way when it happened to me; the first time it happens, you're just surprised and don't know what to say.)

I believe that Mother's Day is society's way of keeping women in our place. It wasn't intended that way by the person who came up with the idea, but patriarchy embraced it. They give women crumbs to keep us satisfied while keeping the main part of the loaf for men.

I agree with everything you wrote. I had a narcissistic mother and decided early on that I wouldn't put anyone through what my mother put me through. As much as people say they had horrible parents and knew to be better parents themselves, the reality is that people tend to repeat the patterns from their childhood. The child of a narcissist tends to be a bad parent. It takes years of therapy to get over that kind of abuse, and most people have children before they have even begun to process the abuse they have been through.

I've never liked children. I'm glad I chose to live my life for myself rather than to sacrifice it for the patriarchy. And I'm delighted to see that I'm not the only one.

[raccoon]

50. I never wanted kids either. I decided, like you, I wasn't going to put anyone through what I went

through.

[Chemisse]

31. My mother was a crappy mother.

Nothing major - no beatings, no alcohol.

She never told me she loved me - ever in my life. During my childhood, she treated me like I was stupid and inconsequential. She made me feel worthless.

I've worked so hard to be a really outstanding mother to my children, and pretty much succeeded, in spite of the poor model.

It helps to know I am not the only one who isn't bursting with gratitude today.

[Wawannabe]

43. Hugs

[athena]

32. I was going to hit recommend on this, until I got to the part

where you write:

Nonetheless, Happy Mother's Day to all.

And to those women who are not mothers, please don't feel bad or sorry for yourself. I have no grandchildren, and I've learned to ignore grandparent/grandchildren related things. It's okay just to be a human being by yourself. Really.

This is insulting. It ignores that many women are non-mothers by choice. It makes a generalization that women who didn't procreate all feel bad or sorry for ourselves and need to be told not to. It propagates the sexist idea that all women are here to bear children and raise them, and that any woman who didn't do so must be fundamentally unfulfilled and horribly depressed about it. Because how can a woman be fulfilled if she didn't bear children, eh? Because that's all a woman is supposed to be able to do. A woman is supposed to pop out children and spend the rest of her life cleaning up after them, while leaving all other endeavors to men. We've been brainwashed to believe that the most boring, messy, and arduous chores are fulfilling, so that we don't compete with men for the truly enjoyable stuff -- like math, science, philosophy, engineering, architecture, painting, sculpture, literature, history, economics, and politics. Oh, that's all boring. Don't worry your pretty little head over it. Let the men take care of all that. You just go back in the house and change some diapers. That's what's truly enjoyable.

Some of us think it's a horrible idea to have children. Some of us never wanted to be mothers. Some of us believe it's irresponsible to overpopulate the world. Some of us feel strongly that only those who truly love children should have them, and that too many people have children not because they truly want them but because all their friends had them. Some of us feel insulted when others assume we must be mothers because we are women of a certain age.

Enjoy your mother's day, but don't wish me a happy mother's day, and don't presume to tell me not to be upset about not being a mother.

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

35. I am sincerely sorry you were offended by that part.

What I was intending was to acknowledge that many women who aren't mothers are non mothers by choice. I certainly know any number of those myself.

I won't go back and delete that line, but if I post something similar next year, I hope I'll remember this.

[athena]

36. I'm sorry for going off on you.

I know you didn't mean to offend. But this is a difficult day for those of us who had bad mothers and chose not to be mothers ourselves, and it's difficult precisely because society does not respect our feelings or our choices.

For next time, a couple of small changes would make it OK: "Happy mother's day to all mothers", and "And to those women who wanted to be mothers and are not".

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

46. Don't worry about it.

I didn't take offense. You pointed out that I might need to re-think exactly how I express myself.

In any case, I hope today is a good one for you.

[Paula Sims]

37. My own Mother died a year ago yesterday

The last words she spoke to me were that she had two children - a son and a daughter (she had a ruptured intestine we discovered 24 hours later so the poisons had started to work on her brain). She told me that she wasn't happy with her kids and that they were huge disappointments (note: I'm the daughter).

I asked her why, when one is a doctor and the other is a PhD in mathematics and helps shape political policy (for the dems, of course). Her response was . . .

1. My son isn't a REAL doctor, he's a dentist (OK, got me there)
2. My daughter is not associating with the "right" type of people.

Keep in mind I came from a very poor Ukrainian immigrant background so although they wanted us to hang around the rich kids, the rich kids wouldn't have anything to do with us. My Mother loved the movies from the 40's and 50's and probably learned a lot of English that way. She also was very depressed and a paranoid schizophrenic.

Today I'm a PhD in math and happily married (no kids and lots of health issues) and my brother -- well, he is a dentist but truly, he think and acts like Trump. Needless to say, we're not close. . .

So what did I do yesterday at the 1 year anniversary of her death? I went to church, went to her grave with flowers, cried my eyes out, and said good-bye. Time for me to live my life. She did what she could (she tried) but I was a big disappointment to her. Oh well. . . .

Blessings to all that have survived their childhoods.

[LWolf]

48. Of course not.

Mothers are human, and come in every variety that humans do. As humans, we all have strengths, weaknesses, good things and bad things. As a public school teacher, I am well aware of the damage that poor parenting does. I'm also aware that most of those poor parents love their kids; they just don't know how to parent them well. They perpetuate what they know.

Of course, there are the monsters; those, thankfully, tend to be outliers. Still, a great deal of damage can be done even by those who love their kids.

[OriginalGeek]

49. when I was 4 or 5 my mom dragged me screaming and pleading

into the kitchen and took out a butcher knife and slammed my hand on the counter and threatened to cut off all my fingers for the crime of drawing on my bedroom walls with crayons.


But other than that she was OK until she married my step-asshole and they got all weirdo religious.


Sometimes I feel guilty for not missing her more.

[Bayard]

51. When I was growing up

I hated my mother. We fought like cats and dogs, especially in my teens. She was physically and emotionally abusive. I think she was nuts from being stuck at home with five kids. The last time she tried to hit me, I grabbed her hand and said--no, not happening. She never tried it again. Of course, by then I was about a foot taller than she was.

All that changed when I left home, and I was not under her thumb anymore. She respected me, and we actually became friends. It broke my heart when she developed Alzheimer's. I miss her.

[Freddie]

52. My mother had loads of issues

Severe depression - tried to commit suicide twice, once when I was pregnant and had a 3 year old. Her depression manifested mainly in hypochondria - she ALWAYS had something wrong with her and whined about it constantly. Lived to 84. Very self-centered which is typical of people with mental illness.
She was an elementary teacher and by all accounts an excellent one, many former students and fellow teachers came to her funeral and spoke of her very fondly. It was retirement - no longer having a reason to get up in the morning - that triggered her latent depression.
She was extremely dependent on Dad and they did *everything* together, at her insistence (not his). She resented his interests that didn't include her.
She was a wonderful mother when we were little. By the time my kids came along she was too tired or "sick" to be much of a grandmother.
Now that I'm 60 when I look in the mirror I see her face. I'm doing everything I can to NOT be my mother.