Big hug to all of those who have/had a shitty mom and is having a tough time today
This is not to bash Mother's Day or moms in general.
Some of us have abusive, neglectful, absent or just plain crappy mothers. And for reasons I don't understand, some people really have a difficult time with the notion that not all moms are good moms. Somehow the mere fact she gave birth to you is enough for you to be eternally grateful. Note - not saying pregnancy or childbirth is easy. Giving birth vs actually raising a child with unconditional love are vastly different things.
I started dreading Mother's Day a long time ago - picking out a card for my mom made me feel like such a hypocrite. All of the flowery language and thank you for being my mom - just made me feel icky.
But I always got her a card, gift, took her out to eat - out of obligation not appreciation. My mom is extremely emotionally abusive and in the past was physically abusive as well. I am still dealing with the trauma from being raised by such a twisted narcissist. Everyone in my family knew she was abusive, but always put it on me to deal with her so they wouldn't have to engage with her. The phrases "oh but she's your mom, she loves you in her own way or "you have to forgive her, she's your mom and the only one you will ever have" make me sick. Oh I got lucky with an abusive dad as well, but everyone was fine with me never having contact with him.
So obviously, no one is forcing me to celebrate or even acknowledge the day - it is just everywhere - commercials, stores, social media, tv, etc. And for the most part I am ok with ignoring it. I know that it isn't directed at me or that I have to run out and order her a bunch of flowers. But it doesn't make it any easier - it still hurts, it is still a reminder of feeling like I missed out on something.
I just wanted to give a big hug 
to anyone have a tough time because of their circumstances. And if you ever feel the urge - no matter how well-intentioned - to say "but she's your mom, of course you love her", please stop. You mean well but it really hurts.
I realize that this sounds full of self-pity and I guess it is. I am just having a tough time of it today, and figured I can't be the only one - so wanted to give love and support to anyone feeling overwhelmed today.
= new reply since forum marked as read
....that two people like your mother and father found each other. Neither one could check the other because they both had the same defects.
I don't know if I could be as accommodating as you are. I see nothing wrong with cutting people out of my life who take away from my own quality of life just because they are related to me. I've got a sister that I haven't seen in 12 years and don't care to ever see her again. We can't always avoid unpleasantness in life, but I can avoid her. Of course it helps that she's estranged from just about everyone in the family.
I don't see your post as being full of self-pity. Maybe a touch of bitterness, but that's okay. It seems to be warranted.
On the bright side, tomorrow is a new day, and as far as I know, it's not one of these contrived holidays. 
people think you should try to forgive , oh she gave birth to you etc. F that
I noticed in stores this weekend so many clerks saying Happy Mother's Day to customers
I was with a friend shopping and I said ok I am a mother but what if I wasn't . Seems sort of presumptive or worse , what if you wanted kids and never had any etc?
He said then they will say well everyone has a mother .
I said back what if she just died how happy would you be or if you were anything but happy around your mother and she made your childhood a terrible misery .
I like Mother's Day as a mom but I never think of my mom who is long gone . It's not intentional just doesn't enter in to my day . Not a lot of fond memories I will leave it at that.
Am I bad ? Sez who? Someone who had a mom that functioned and cared for you ? Don't assume everyone should regard either parent as you do yours and did not have the same experience as you did
Then my friend I was talking to said hey in another month they will all be smiling and wishing me a happy Father's Day when I do not have any children and my father walked out on us when i was the age of 2 and I never saw him again . What s so happy about the day to me ?
I just replied to him - exactly !!!
For you a hug back
flying monkeys - the good thing about being an only child is that no siblings or a golden child to deal with. But my cousins who have only seen her at family gatherings when she is "on" cannot understand the no contact. I got tired of trying to explain. People who know me, know that I am the most forgiving and loving person - always willing to give someone another chance. If I have cut you out of my life, it has to be for an extreme reason. The shitty thing is losing the rest of your family when you go no contact because they don't want to get involved.
Lots of love to you and I hope you sleep better tonight
& compassion.
Very hard time for me, EVERY year.
The cards are serious triggers for me. Sent no card this year. More guilt for me.
Trying hard to make that "Happy Mothers Day!" call, all day..
Bless YOU for knowing what some of us are going through today. 
People are always so quick to find an excuse too - oh her childhood must have been bad, oh there must have been something really wrong in her past. No - she is just an awful person.
My husband, bless his heart, at first thought it had to be brain damage (because my mom had brain aneurysms) and I explained to him that if anything, it mellowed her a bit. The longer he has known her, the more he has seen her true nature and is honestly surprised I am not locked up either in jail or an institution.
My grandparents (her parents) were the most loving people I have ever known, they raised me in some respect and gave me the unconditional love a child needs. Had it not been for them, no idea what would have happened to me. It boggles the mind that they raised her - it can't all be nurture vs nature.
She told me almost daily that I was an awful, mean, cruel, nasty person (which is how I learned about projection and recognize it so quickly in a certain orange Cheeto). I believed it then, and still believe it to my core that I am some broken awful person (I can logically "know" I am not - but how I feel is completely different).
I am sorry for what you had to endure and I hope you can find the peace you are looking for
Your mother sounds as deeply cruel as mine was. I guess I will never understand it, but sometimes it seems to me that my mother was born with some essential human element missing from her being - perhaps a soul? I feel exactly the same way about the orange creature as you do. Any of us who were so misfortunate as to have suffered at the hands of one of these malignant narcissists is quick to spot that same behavior in others. My own mother actually grew worse with age (if that's possible). It scares me everytime I consider all the horrid things my aging narcissistic mother pulled off and then I contemplate the orange malignancy going down that same road. Horror doesn't even begin to describe my feelings!
I am so sorry that you had to endure what sounds like much what I did. My father was my saving parent. If not for him, I think I'd be locked up somewhere. One thing I will say about my mother - she turned me into a fighter with a strong sense of justice and fairness. I became an activist at least in part because I can't stand by and watch others be unfairly treated as I once was. We have both overcome much and should take pride in that this Mother's Day!
That I had the best Mom in the world. We had a wonderful relationship and loved one another very much.
Today marks another year that we've had dinner together for Mother's Day since her passing many years ago. I bought another Mother's Day Card and set a place for her @ my table even though she's no longer here with me physically.
I MISS HER SO MUCH 
OP and others who had Mothers that shouldn't have been: God Bless you, and I'm so sorry for your pain
Happy Mother's Day to ALL deserving Moms (And again to my late Mom).
When I say that neither of my parents loved me, I get the same response. Or people think I'm looking for pity. And no, it's true...they are both narcissists and both incapable of loving anyone. And the sooner I accepted that, the sooner I could work on realizing that it wasn't about me...I didn't do anything wrong. I have 2 broken parents. My mom has been married and divorced 5x and my dad I think is on his 4th. I am the only child either has had..which is sad and funny at the same time. I'm the only one who understands what they are as parents...but also there is this idea that they had me and went...well, not doing that again...takes too much attention off of me.
Your adoptive mother was horrible too..I am sorry you had to endure that fear of being "returned". My mom used to always threaten to send me off somewhere and I believed her.
People who had loving mothers will never get it. I've tried and tried, so many times, to explain it to my best friends, but it's impossible to convey how truly horrible it is to have a narcissistic mother to someone who didn't have one. Even mothers who love their daughters sometimes drive them crazy, and when you try to explain your troubles to such daughters, they think they've been through similar things and that you're too sensitive for not being able to deal with it.
My mother never did the kinds of things yours did; she was subtle and underhanded, and she knew exactly which buttons to push to make me feel horrible while preserving plausible deniability. She did, nonetheless, manage to instill in me the belief that there is something horribly wrong with me. I cut off all contact with her years ago, and she still sends me e-mails trying to convince me to leave my husband because she's jealous of my happy marriage. Thanks to therapy, I have been able to make great progress on developing self-esteem, but it's still difficult at times.
I know, and many others with narcissistic mothers would agree, that your decision to have no contact with your mother is an excellent one and is completely justified. Do not feel the need to explain it to those who will not understand. Trying to get people to understand is "people-pleasing" behavior that we daughters of narcissistic mothers have to constantly watch ourselves against. We are forever trying to get from strangers the love and approval that we never got from our mothers. I was doing something similar myself earlier today. Just know that you are lovable, that you have suffered unfairly and unnecessarily, and that you are not alone.
[font color="navy" face="Verdana"]I can empathize with you and many others here. My viciously domineering mother wanted a clone, not a daughter. She never forgave me for growing out of timid, malleable obedience and developing a mind, ideas, goals, and life of my own, different from hers - and there was non-stop hell to pay for it for decades.
Her social contacts think she's just wonderful, though, since she assumes an entirely different personality and demeanor for them. But they know nothing, just as those who try to lecture you about your feelings know nothing.
It took most of my adult life, along with some professional help, but I'm actually grateful to my mother now for demonstrating so vividly the kind of person I would never want to be - thus helping form the person I am (and like) today.
Hang in there. Be proud of your persistence and strength in overcoming your abusive upbringing as well as the ignorant judgments of others. Be the self you love.
It's difficult for many people to understand. And now that I am a mother myself, it's even harder for me to understand! People close to me don't ask about my mother anymore. It's a strange place to be in.
But I am very fortunate to have a near perfect mother-in-law who has shown me love and kindness and acceptance for 25 years now. I am grateful for that.
lots and lots of therapy.
For years, I labored under the impression that I was a rotten person because I dared to have sex before I got married, am on my third marriage and had the temerity to move across the country. My dad is no prize either, but at least you always knew where you stood with him. My mom is the queen of the silent treatment, not to mention passive/aggressiveness.
She's a Christian, but the type that uses it as a weapon. So to her, I'm the whore of Babylon.
She told me I "must be antisocial" when I was being picked on and ostracized at school. I was six years old.
She always found a way to run down/belittle everything I did. Since her temper wasn't as monstrous as my dad's, I always thought she was the good guy.
It's only after a lot of perspective and therapy to realize that she's a very angry woman and probably resentful of me for doing what she felt she couldn't--escape a rotten marriage.
I hate both Mother's Day and Father's Day. I was a glorified farmhand, not a loved child.
And now it's compounded by everyone assuming I'm a mom, too. That's a whole 'nother post.
Hugs. 
