Was I too harsh? & Cal. law ??

[3Hotdogs]

Relative lives in Ca. She is nearly broke and it would not surprise me to find her homeless in a couple of years. Her mother is in the dementia unit of an assisted living facility -- on Calcare (medicaid, for the rest of us). When a resident dies, the body must be removed within four hours. I guess it is a state health regulation.

Mom, does not have long to live and daughter went to social worker to learn about making plans for the future funeral. S.W. advised her to go to a funeral home and set up an account -- maybe $50 or so a week to pay for the funeral.

I told her to go back to the social worker with three sentences ---
"My mother is destitute.
I am destitute.
What happens to my mother's body when there is no money to pay for a funeral and her body is not claimed?"


First question: Does anyone on D.U. know what happens to unclaimed bodies? What does the state of California provide?

Second question: Was i too harsh - cold to her? I felt a need to be direct with her. She relies on me for advice and listens to 80% of what I tell her to do. But she is also, not assertive. I have to present an idea two or three times before she follows up on it. There is kind of a time emergency for her to act. Not imminent, but certainly not too long into future.

I live on the east coast so I am not able to sit with her over a cup of coffee and give her a long dissertation. As far as I know, I may be her only support.

[marble falls]

1. No. She needs help from an authrity and you told her exactly how to position the request ...

"What will you do to help her if she does become homeless?" is my only question.

[3Hotdogs]

2. Not much I can do. As I said, I am on the other side of the country.

I have directed her to her town's social services office. She gets food stamps (card). I don't know if she has S.S.I. That is something I can direct her for.

She has difficulty holding on to employment.

I cannot send her money as I have little excess myself.

[marble falls]

5. You're as good as gold, brother - you did exactly the right thing ....

My question was for her, not you. Her needs might be the concern she needs to center on. In the sort term at least mom is in safe hands, the daughter will not be able to help mom if she herself is living under a tent held up by a shopping cart.

[handmade34]

3. I don't know California law

and I am sorry for your relative... she/you should do research and find out what the state does when there is no relative financial able to take care of the deceased person...

It is probably too late for your situation but I convinced my mother (in Michigan) to donate her body to MSU and when she died, there were no problems... I have donated my body to University of Vermont and assume all will be taken care of when I die

When both my husband and my father died in Vermont, it was expected, and I did all my homework. I was able to take care of them for approx. $300/each... fortunately in Vermont we can still do much of the work ourselves without depending on funeral homes...

I send your relative good thoughts because it is not an easy time

[More_Cowbell]

4. I'll be harsh with you: Does your relative need to plan a funeral service?

Or is she using shorthand for just disposing of her mother's remains?

I'm in California and haven't heard of CalCare, but even if your relative meant MediCal (which is California's version of Medicaid), that doesn't provide for funeral services. In California, counties take care of this. Here's a page that describes what services are available in Los Angeles County: https://resources.tulipcremation.com/2018/10/18/all-posts/los-angeles-county-funeral-assistance-and-low-cost-cremation-options/

Here's Santa Clara county's page on indigent cremation: https://www.sccgov.org/sites/coroner/Pages/indigent-cremation.aspx

Obviously you or your relative would have to search for whichever county she's in. I provided the links just to give you an idea of what you need to search for if she's in another county. I assume that the county that applies is the one that her mother is in, if they're not in the same county, but that's just a guess.

And here's a page that discusses funeral payment in general: https://www.funeralwise.com/plan/paying/getting-state-assistance/

If your relative feels bad about what she needs to do, she should ask herself what her mother would want or, if she can't put herself in her mother's place, what your relative would want if their positions were reversed. Would she want her mother paying $50 a month that she didn't have, for a funeral? Wouldn't she tell her mother "I'd rather have you keep your money"?

Good luck, and you're a good friend for helping.