I'm just a Towel, but that doesn't mean that I'm disposable
Last edited Tue Apr 22, 2014, 12:13 PM - Edit history (1)
I wanted to post this thread to thank everyone for the kind wishes during my illness and to fill in some of the gaps as to what occurred recently. It’s official now—I’ve been diagnosed as having manic depression. My overall health is in a precarious position now with diabetes, chronic anemia and various other hematological and endocrine issues. I am also having difficulty trying to obtain medical services as I continuously fall through the cracks of the multiple safety nets. While some of the words in the following paragraphs may seem boastful, I’m including this information to provide background and context.
I was blessed to attend one of the better universities on full scholarship. Within my first semester of college living away from my parents, I became self-aware and had my initial encounters with depression. One of my classes was an American Government course taught by an instructor that also taught the class on Marxism. The discussions focused on social justice and inequality so those causes have concerned me throughout my adult life. My depressed attitude related mostly to my awkwardness adjusting to social life in college after being raised in a fundamentalist Christian family.
I was able to keep my feelings of inadequacy in check by immersing myself into my academic studies, but I isolated myself from the social aspects of college for the first two years. I gradually stepped out of my shell and was accepted by my peers to enjoy the new opportunities that I created for myself. I decided to spend the summer between my final two years of college living off campus working as a pizza delivery driver and living with two other men in a rent house.
While living off campus was difficult financially, the more troubling aspect of those three months off campus was that one of my housemates was seriously disturbed. There were two occasions that summer when I was awakened by telephone calls from the local hospital asking me to pick up my housemate because of drug overdoses on Ecstasy. These were the first instances that I dealt with a suicidal person and mental health issues from a public health perspective. The only things I could offer were a shoulder to lean on and some financial leeway to help alleviate the financial burden on my housemate.
After I received my degree, I began work as a statistician at the Department of Insurance in Austin. I was fortunate to find a job in my academic major due to the tough economy in Texas at the time. About nine months later I was promoted to work on the Texas tort reform project and generally sympathized as an advocate for injured people that were harmed by corporate interests.
Within my first couple of years working in Austin I had to face another situation involving depression. My college roommate from my senior year called me one evening and he wanted to stop to visit so that we could chill out with each other. It was during the middle of the week so I was exhausted and I told him that it wasn’t a good time to meet. The next day I received a phone call from a mutual friend that informed me that my former roommate had overdosed on liquor and pills. He was found passed out on the side of the highway and had his hospital pumped when he was admitted to the hospital. My friend survived the ordeal, but his parents sent him to Kentucky so I never saw or heard from him again. Since then I’ve felt a sense of responsibility for turning him away even though I didn’t know his mental state when he called that evening.
During the 1990s my career in Austin had its highs and lows and I was occasionally depressed, but I managed to stay positive most of the time. However, there were two other acquaintances that also attempted suicide although I had never lived with either of them. At least I was proud of how my career was proceeding and I made suggestions to the actuaries that save nearly a billion dollars to Texas insurance consumers. I was also an officer in the public employees association so I have several friends that worked with the Department of Health and the Department of Mental Health and Mental Retardation. I understood how those agencies were under-funded and that social services were declining, particularly during the years that George Bush was governor. Finally, after 13 years with the insurance department I left in 2000 to enter the private sector for a more lucrative career in the Dallas area at a property-casualty insurance company.
In 2002 I experienced some adverse health and became an insulin dependent diabetic. This was also when I started taking anti-depressants. My supervisors were impressed with my technical skills and I even noted a terminology loophole in a reinsurance contract that resulted in a windfall of about $70 million for my employer. However, at the end of 2003 the insurance company decided to liquidate and I was transferred to an affiliated information technology company in the same financial holding group. I was the lead analyst filing workers compensation financial data and kept assuming new duties as my colleagues were either terminated or went on disability after they could no longer hand the stress. Ultimately, I assumed the work of eight other people within a six year timeframe.
During 2009, the IT company started taking on new clients and I handled various programming and software testing tasks. I switched antidepressant medications over the years and diabetes took its toll as my weight ranged from 117 to 185 pounds (I’m 6’ 1”). I was working 75-80 hours per week for months at a time, but the woman who was my new boss wasn’t satisfied and began to micromanage me. In April 2010 she asked me to work on a project due the next day. I agreed to do it, but I requested permission to go home, eat and change clothes since I expected to be in the office until two or three o’clock in the night. Unfortunately, I broke my arm and made a face-plant on concrete so I didn’t make it back to work that evening. I spent the next three months on short-term disability and received a horrible reception when I resumed work in July. There was no inquiry as to my well-being—just the indication that she was aiming to run me out of the job.
I received my 10 year award at the job in September 2010 and then was terminated a couple of weeks later. In some ways I was grateful due to the stress of the job and being employed continuously for 23 years with nothing more than a week of vacation at any time. I knew that I needed a break for my mental health and since I received a decent severance package I stayed off the job market for awhile and assisted with taking care of my father who had Parkinson’s disease. I also had two oral surgeries to obtain dentures since my dental health had deteriorated and I was not presentable for interviews.
I was living with my brother who also has anger management issues and the situation was one where I dealt with verbal abuse and a some threats against my life. I also was hit by a vehicle while riding my bicycle and placed in charge of selling the family home after my father passed away. I handled the majority of the work consulting with the reader, staging the house, studying the local real estate market and reviewing contract offers.
I returned to the Dallas area in October 2013 and was fairly happy since I had my independence from my brother, my possessions and my cat. Within the first month I had resumed hunting for a new job and attempting to get into a clinic so I could receive financial assistance for insulin and other prescriptions, but I ran into a delay and could not get into a clinic until January of this year. Meanwhile, this winter presented the most adverse situations which did have an effect on my search for employment.
After going the medical clinic a couple times in early 2014, I received the first lab results from my blood tests in mid-February and learned that I developed chronic anemia. The next time that I went to the medical clinic I asked the doctor about applying for SSI disability, but the doctor said that they couldn’t provide the documentation necessary for the SSI filing and referred me to the Parkland system in Dallas since I also needed other various health services. I had also stopped taking antidepressant medications several months earlier due to financial constraints and because I knew that changing antidepressants constantly and taking them on a start/stop/start/stop schedule was not good from a physical health perspective.
I contacted the Parkland system in mid-March, but fell through the cracks again since they were not accepting any new patients until April 1 due to changes in the ACA. Meanwhile, I was unable to pay my rent at the beginning of March and was forced out of my apartment by mid-March so I went to stay at the home of one my friends from college for three weeks. After experiencing the stress of homelessness, unemployment and multiple health issues I couldn’t handle the hopelessness anymore so on Friday, April 4 I gave up and overdosed on 38 hydrocodone pills. I spent five days in the hospital and then was discharged to a homeless shelter in Dallas where I spent about a week. I’ve moved back with my brother, but the situation is already getting tense after just a few days as I retrieved my possessions this weekend. I don’t know if I’ll every be reunited with my pet cat which has been my family for the past three years.
I kept asking myself why I deserved such a fate. While I made many mistakes in my life, I also felt that I treated other people decently and tried to help others to the fullest extent possible. I made significant contributions in the public and private sectors when I was employed and was sympathetic to people less fortunate than myself.
Needless to say I burned some bridges along the way and may end up losing my closest friend that I’ve known for nearly three decades, but in a number of ways it looks like my life is over at the age of 48. Will I ever be able to make a meaningful contribution to society ever again? Is the rest of my life going to be relegated to homeless shelters and psychiatric hospitals?
Over the next few days I’m hoping to get some help from SSI disability due to my medical conditions. I’m just a towel, but that doesn’t mean that I’m disposable. From what I saw at the homeless shelter there are plenty of other people in similar situations. What does it say about our society when so many people are left behind? There are plenty of people that want to be employed and contribute to society but for various reasons have fallen through the cracks of the social safety net. Are those people disposable too?
I know that this thread is vastly different from the cut-and-paste threads that I regularly post. However, I wanted to share this message so it may help others. It also illustrates that even among those who are considered to be productive and successful that adversity sometimes kicks us to the curb. For now I am a risk, but in a slightly safer place than a homeless shelter. In the meantime, I’m trying to find hope, make small steps one day at a time, obtain medical help and reunite with my pet cat. So DU, thanks for letting me have this rant.
= new reply since forum marked as read
There is no way you deserve all the misfortune that has come your way, but alas, this is how the universe proceeds sometimes.
I wish you all the best in your quest for better days.
I wish I could provide you with all the tools you need, but all I have for you is encouragement...
We need you here! You DO matter!
You stated your case very well, sound like an excellent person to get to know, and I respect your clarity and courage in sharing this here.
you sound like a person of strong character 
your condition is the result of a country gone awry and not something you deserve...
please know you are not alone...
-Laelth
handmade34 is correct. What happened to you was not something you deserved, your experiences were/are the result of a country gone awry.
A pox on the Wrong Wing and their backers....and all good blessings and good fortune to you.
And just from speaking to you on DU, I also know you are irreplaceable. I truly hope your SSI and living situation improve soon. I hate to see bad things happen to good people. And you do a lot of good. All the time. It's just the way your heart is.
And I hope you are quickly reunited with your cat. You deserve to not have to struggle.
I'm just down the road, so if you ever need help, send me a private message. Get plugged into Parkland. They are busy but they are good doctors.
I don't know if this will help or not, but you are not alone. There are so many people out there that I talk to every day who are going through the same thing. A lot of it has to do with the way that mental health was so underfunded for so long. And your personal corporate experience---I hear that a lot, too. It is not anything you did. You just happened to be standing there when someone hijacked the American Dream.
You've got the right idea about the little steps. And your kitty. And stay in touch with friends. Please send us updates on how you are doing.
Oh, and that is not a rant. It is your life.
A hug for you and some kind words that is all I have. It is all "one day at a time" for all of us . We all just have to keep on plugging away~it's all we can do.
You are sorely needed here and many other places as well.
Please remember that there is someone on your side, even if I AM west of I-35!
Last edited Tue Apr 22, 2014, 01:20 AM - Edit history (2)
I'm so sorry for all that you've been through. Life can be so damn difficult at times to the point of feeling it's no longer bearable. I know.
Small steps are the best and lean on us whenever you need to.
You're cared about.
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Pryderi posted this picture on DU and thought it applied well to people too:
living proof! Sending you Healing thoughts and high hopes you get your precious cat back before too much longer.
Peace and Aloha~TexasTowelie~
