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Breaking Adolph Hitler's Wet Dream
by E.R. BillsAs a normal white guy who grew up with the normal white bread breaks, I have to say I’m pretty fed up with listening to other white guys complain about how put-upon they are.
By normal breaks, I mean I wasn’t born with a silver spoon up my arse like George W. Bush or Donald J. Trump. Oh, and my parents weren’t politicians or multi-millionaires, so I wouldn’t have been able join the Texas National Guard or get a medical deferment from a friendly doctor to avoid serving in Vietnam. I enjoyed the normal breaks, you know, the ones that almost anybody who didn’t look like me rarely got.
For all practical purposes, I was Adolph Hitler’s wet dream. I was blond-haired, blue-eyed (well, actually hazel but close enough for government work), athletic, and — oh, yeah — white. One Saturday as a preteen while visiting my uncle in Fort Worth, I threw rocks through several school windows adjacent to a playground where I was playing. In broad daylight. One of the school maintenance men, who lived next door to the school, heard the breaking glass and accosted me with a shotgun. I told him I thought I’d seen a ghost. He kept the shotgun trained on me until the police arrived. They brought a paddy wagon out just to scare me, I think, but my uncle paid for the damage, and there were never any charges filed.
As a teenager, some friends and I borrowed the fire extinguishers off every school bus in our town one Halloween and drove around spraying people with them. The high school principal and a county sheriff’s deputy confronted us the next school day and, after unsuccessfully bracing us regarding the missing equipment, agreed to not press charges or inform our parents if I led them to the empty spray cannisters, which I promptly did.
By normal breaks, I mean I wasn’t born with a silver spoon up my arse like George W. Bush or Donald J. Trump. Oh, and my parents weren’t politicians or multi-millionaires, so I wouldn’t have been able join the Texas National Guard or get a medical deferment from a friendly doctor to avoid serving in Vietnam. I enjoyed the normal breaks, you know, the ones that almost anybody who didn’t look like me rarely got.
For all practical purposes, I was Adolph Hitler’s wet dream. I was blond-haired, blue-eyed (well, actually hazel but close enough for government work), athletic, and — oh, yeah — white. One Saturday as a preteen while visiting my uncle in Fort Worth, I threw rocks through several school windows adjacent to a playground where I was playing. In broad daylight. One of the school maintenance men, who lived next door to the school, heard the breaking glass and accosted me with a shotgun. I told him I thought I’d seen a ghost. He kept the shotgun trained on me until the police arrived. They brought a paddy wagon out just to scare me, I think, but my uncle paid for the damage, and there were never any charges filed.
As a teenager, some friends and I borrowed the fire extinguishers off every school bus in our town one Halloween and drove around spraying people with them. The high school principal and a county sheriff’s deputy confronted us the next school day and, after unsuccessfully bracing us regarding the missing equipment, agreed to not press charges or inform our parents if I led them to the empty spray cannisters, which I promptly did.
Read more: https://www.fwweekly.com/2021/07/23/breaking-adolph-hitlers-wet-dream/
