When did you come out to your family?

[William769]

I thought this would be a good question to kick off the new polling feature.

31 votes, 0 passes | Time left: Unlimited
	Younger Than 13
	0 (0%)
	13-15
	1 (3%)
	16-18
	4 (13%)
	19-21
	8 (26%)
	22-27
	9 (29%)
	27-36
	4 (13%)
	37 Or Older
	2 (6%)
	Don't ever plan on coming out to family members
	3 (10%)
	0 DU members did not wish to select any of the options provided.
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[teddy51]

1. I'm curious to know (I am straight) were family members generally supportive for those that

came out? That to me would seem the hardest hurdle to get by. Having a loving supportive family would certainly make it much easier.

[William769]

2. Mother very supportive.

Brothers disowned me for about 5 years. To this day my sisters think I am dead to them and that have shamed the family name for all eternity.

Needless to say growing up I was closest to my sisters. Funny how things worked out.

[teddy51]

3. I have a very good friend who is gay (2 boys in family) and his brother is also gay.

Their parents are very supportive and he has told me many times that, that is so all important.

[teddy51]

4. That makes it tough, sorry about that. n/t

[GodlessBiker]

5. Dad didn't talk to me for a week, but now we are closer than ever. It's such a generational thing.

[teddy51]

6. You really think it boils down to a generational thing? hmm interesting. n/t

[GodlessBiker]

7. Well, I think a dad now tends to, not always, but tends to handle it better than my WW2 dad.

Everything else being equal.

[johnnypneumatic]

14. there are 600,000 homeless lgbt kids in this country who were kicked out by their loving parents

So often, coming out, trying to be honest, and be yourself, backfires horribly.
Others (I would think even millions) are still trapped in homophobic homes, being bullied by religious parents, urged to "be a man", "pray away the gay", "satan in inside you, we need to cast it out", "no son of mine is going to be a fag", or just "it is just a phase, you'll grow out of it".

[Ms. Toad]

24. Yes, and no - but not for the obvious reasons.

I was married to a man at the time I came out. Marriage is very important to my parents, and in our faith is expected to be life long and involves asking the community to help us keep our promises to each other for that life long commitment. I had done all the proper things in our faith getting married, involving both my home meeting and my current meeting in the process. 2 years later, I came out - and ending my marriage hit them pretty hard (particularly my father). My former husband and I were in pain, but not disagreement, that the marriage needed to end. But it hit my parents (particularly my father) pretty hard.

Being gay, in and of itself, was never an issue - even for most of the more conservative members of my family.

I am now 30 years into my second marriage (to a woman), also done right through a much more rigorous faith process (we were the first same gender couple to marry - it took them 8 years to approve).

[knowledgeispwr]

35. My dad was supportive, although he asked a couple of times if I was "sure".

He was concerned about me facing hardships, he said "You're already black!" but he let me know that it was fine. My mother and sister, who are both religiously conservative, flipped out. They told me I wasn't living "God's truth". I still considered myself a Christian then (now I'm an atheist) but that angered me. Dad didn't stick up for me during that "family meeting" I think because he was deferring to mom and that hurt, because I know he didn't share their views. This was about four years ago.

Now, my mother has been making an effort, being friendly to my partner (with whom I live in the same county) and occasionally asks about him, but we don't speak much. Every once in awhile my partner and I will go out to eat with them or go over to their house. My sister completely ignores the fact that my partner exists. When I've brought up the issue directly with her, she said I was "forcing" him on her and being "ungrateful" to my parents by spending holidays with him and not with them. I'd be happy to spend holidays with them if we both felt welcome. She let it be known that she does not want him to attend her graduate school graduation in May. Needless to say, we're not close.

[closeupready]

8. Soon after turning 18.

Though I knew I was gay from when I was probably 7 or 8.

[Behind the Aegis]

9. I was outed.

I have a large family, so I came out to different people at different times. I was outed to my mother when I was 20 by a roommate who was pissed off that I wouldn't sleep with him. He tried to "justify" his actions by stating it was for the best, despite the fact he was older than me and hadn't come out to his own parents. I came out to my father during the DADT battles. He was very supportive which was a shock for me because he is former military and had actually called me a "faggot" when I was 17. Of course, I found out years later that my mother had told him and threatened him if he ever said anything to me or treated me differently, she would divorce him and "take everything you own, plan to own, dream about owning, I will take it if you hurt my child." And people wonder why I am so intense?! I am my mother's son.

I came out to my brother who is a couple of years younger than me on New Year's Eve one year. He was just glad I wasn't sleeping with his then girlfriend (now, my sister-in-law). My two youngest brothers figured it out on their own. Both are very gay positive, one has a best friend who is gay and was his best man at his weddings. Various other family members happened throughout the next few years (21-25). The best story is my step-grandmother.

I was given a trip to the Bahamas for my college graduation. It was my mom's dad, his wife, and my mom's sister, who went with me. I told my aunt in the hotel the night before we left on the trip. She was more upset that I hadn't told her the year before when I lived with her because she had a friend she wanted to set me up with. My grandmother...well, we were in the Bahamas in a casino. We were tapped out, so we sat at the bar and were getting smashed on Bahama Mamas. We were just chatting away and she says, "I don't want to upset you, but I love you." Of course, being drunk and a bit of an ass, I just laughed and said "What a shocker!" Then she continued, "and I don't care who you love." That, of course, cause my jaw to drop and I sat there like I had been electrocuted. She had figured it out because she caught me cruising the hot Roulette Wheel dealer. I begged her not to tell my grandfather and she agreed. That lasted all of two minutes, when she announced, "Poppa knows. I told him last night!" She said she suspected I was gay and it didn't matter because she had taken me to kindergarten and watched me grow into a wonderful young man, and he (my grandfather) needed to "get over it." My grandfather replied," He's my grandson, I love him no matter what." And that was that. I spent the rest of the vacation scoping out dudes with my grandmother and my aunt. They were very pleased with the guy I hooked up with on the trip. My grandmother, upon seeing him emerge from the ocean in a speedo, said, "Good G-d! that's a hot motherfucker! That's my boy (meaning me)!" LOL! My family just ain't right.

I never "came out" to my favorite aunt. She died a few months after I visited her with my partner, we just never said anything. Turns out, she knew and was very happy that I had such a wonderful man to share my life with. Of course, that made her loss even more hurtful in some ways, but I am glad she knew. Most of my cousins don't give a flip, nor do my nephews and nieces. There were a few rough patches over the years, but for the most part, everyone has been very supportive. They all love my partner of 10 years. I am a very lucky man.

[HillWilliam]

10. Mom flipped out and I had to leave home at 2am with a suitcase

My grandmother wrote me a poison-pen letter, the likes of which I've seen nowhere else outside some freepish screeds (PS: all my family are super-staunch Dems). My brother tried to fight my dad's will, making ugly remarks like "f*gs don't DESERVE anything". Lucky for me he made that remark in front of the probate judge... who just happened to be gay. (Ain't karma a motherfucker )

Mom adjusted somewhat in time. She rarely asks about Rob even though we've been together over 16 years. (Mom, I'm pretty sure it's not a phase, k?)

Dad suspected but never said anything directly; only made some snide remarks. I dug my heels in. Two weeks before he died he asked why I never came out to him. He said, "I tried to tease you, goad you, shame you, make jokes, but you never cracked. What was up with that?"

I said, "You did everything but ask me directly. If you had asked me like a man, I'd have told you like a man."

You would have thought a bomb went off inside his head, but he only blinked. He considered a good 30 seconds and then quietly said, "that's entirely fair."

Then that was that.

[teddy51]

11. "for me he made that remark in front of the probate judge... who just happened to be gay." lol

That would have been worth the price of a ticket to witness...

[HillWilliam]

12. To His Honor's credit

he kept a total poker face. I only found out he was gay after the case was adjudicated. I kept that little tidbit away from my brother, smiling like Mona Lisa every time I thought about it. (Never once has a canary feather dropped from my lips )

Oh, and the other thing my dad said, warning me about my brother: "After all these years, I've finally figured out what your brother's problem is. He's a Gawd. Damn. Republican."

Drawled out, just like that heh

(Until I was 18, I promise you, I never knew those were separate words.)

[murielm99]

13. My daughter came out to me when she was 19.

It was hard for her. We were very accepting. Her brother had the hardest time of anyone in the family. He did accept her, eventually. When he went to college, he met more gay people, and became more open-minded. It was a maturity issue, too.

[johnnypneumatic]

15. I never did, although they surely know

as I have been with my partner for 25 years.
Growing up in the '60s and '70's was pure torture. Although my family was not religious, it was quite dysfunctional, we never really talked about anything.
I always felt alienated from society, and felt the hate and homophobia from outside, not from within my family.
However, I resented that I had to keep my secret, never knowing if I could trust my own family, and came to feel they didn't deserve to know me, since I essentially grew up isolated, with no guidance at all. A gay kid shouldn't have to come out to his parents, they should provide a healthy environment where it isn't an issue.
I have heard many people say they were afraid to tell their parents and agonized over it and lied and covered it up for years, hiding their love for their partners, growing up alone, but when they did, the parents say "oh we knew all the time." Well, the parents should have known how to help the kid through it, rather than letting him flail around without help, feeling hated, for years. I'm sure many kids committed suicide because they could not trust or tell their parents, even though the parents would have been supportive, but the kid never knew, so died, feeling alone and hated.

Well, I am going to a family reunion in a few weeks, seeing my brothers and sisters I haven's seen in years. I wonder if it will come up? My brother, while not an extremist, does have a rather Christian wife who home schools their kids. I'm not going to take any shit, let me tell you.

[closeupready]

17. There have been times in my life when

I could have written this. However, at other times, I'm more forgiving and just sort of take a 'hey, whatever, it's the past' approach.

I suppose that applies to a lot of gay people.

[Fearless]

20. A very common and relatable story no doubt!

I can think of several people I know off the top of my head who are living the same way, of a variety of ages. Just be true to yourself and as you said... don't take any shit!

[Zenlitened]

21. I could have written parts of that post myself :(

I think this is so true, and such a critical issue:

I have heard many people say they were afraid to tell their parents and agonized over it and lied and covered it up for years, hiding their love for their partners, growing up alone, but when they did, the parents say "oh we knew all the time." Well, the parents should have known how to help the kid through it, rather than letting him flail around without help, feeling hated, for years. I'm sure many kids committed suicide because they could not trust or tell their parents, even though the parents would have been supportive, but the kid never knew, so died, feeling alone and hated.

"Flailing around without help." Exactly.

I agree with Closeupready, that we can find ways to forgive.

But it took a long time to get past that realization, that the adults around me saw this child in obvious pain... and didn't lift a finger to help.

Wow.

I think all the feelings of hopelessness, of worthlessness, that so many GLBT kids experience stems from this: the appalling silence from the adults in their lives.

It's just so utterly alienating. Sends such a powerful message that "Yer on yer own, kid. We have other concerns that matter to us more than coming to your aid."

Thank gawd I wasn't lying on the floor, bleeding to death.

[johnnypneumatic]

23. thanks for understanding

I knew i couldn't be the only one

yes, we were lying there bleeding, and they either didn't notice, or worse, left us to deal with it by ourselves

[Vanje]

28. At large family gatherings, and other social occasions....

I'm not the first to bring up the subject. I'm a fairly obvious lesbian so most people are too polite to get their homophobic freak on when I'm within hearing distance . But if someone says something bigoted or ignorant , I come out Loud n Proud on their ass.
I say, "I bet you don't think you know anyone who is gay. but you DO! I assure you, You DO know someone who is gay" .
It takes some a minute to figure it out. Its great to watch their faces while they try to work it out.

[Zenlitened]

37. Just wondering...

Has that family reunion taken place yet?

If so, and if you attended, I hope it went well.

Or as well as these things can be expected to go, given the painful history.

[johnnypneumatic]

38. I just got back home on wednesday

It all went very well, no one said anything, in fact nothing serious was ever discussed, true to form with my family of avoiding such things...
religion was never mentioned, my brother and his wife were sweet and funny, it was good to see them and get along so well.

However, I am now an expert on hay (that's what they talk about the most), when and how to cut it, how you have to watch all the weather channels before you cut it, in case of rain and some weathermen being wrong about it raining, round bales versus traditional rectangular, why you shouldn't feed horses with round bales, tractors and hay conditioners and hay aggregators, loading the hay vertical in the barn and letting it cure for a week before being used...

[Zenlitened]

39. Great to hear.

Last edited Sun May 20, 2012, 10:56 AM - Edit history (1)

Sounds a lot like my family, although discussions about the weather and the price of groceries are our mainstays. Wouldn't want to risk connecting on a sincere and genuine emotional level, right?

As for the immersive lessons about hay... well, if you're ever on Jeapordy, and there's a category on pasturage...

[Not Me]

16. I was married at the time...

I did not fully understand and harbored deeply repressed feelings. I have 4 brothers and no sisters, and went to private all boys elementary and high school...maybe that was part of it, who knows. I really loved the woman that I married and we had children, but in my 30's it became increasingly difficult. I went for coming-out counseling with a psychologist who specializes in that area, and it really helped clear up a lot, and reinforced that I was always gay but repressed the feelings as envy of other's good looks, etc. That, and I wanted/needed the approval of my parents.

I had also become increasingly depressed and had suicidal thoughts. My wife saw this and wanted so badly for me to get better. I finally sat her down and told her. She was--and still is--AMAZING. She told me that she loved me more than anything but now that she knew why I was so tortured, she wanted to see me get better. Even if it meant ending the marriage.

A couple months later, we told the children and our parents. The only one who had any issues was my dad.
I had a cousin who was gay and had contracted HIV/AIDS in the mid 80's. His coming out was twofold: I am gay, and I have AIDS. My aunt completely disowned him and threw him out on the street. All during this time, my dad stepped forward and took care of him. It was a long year with multiple hospitalizations, etc. But dad was always there for him.
I think when I disclosed to him, he feared all that he had seen my cousin go through.

He quickly came around, and we got very close until his death in 2006.

My immediate family--every one of them--have been there for me with unconditional love and support.
My ex and her husband visit, and we all do family vacations. I still love her dearly, and respect her more than anyone in the world.
My coming out completely upended her world as she knew it for some time. She has a right to be angry, yet she has risen over that and built a new life and is happy. And so am I.

[yardwork]

18. I was 45 and married when I told my mother.

First I told her that I had decided to leave my marriage. She was understanding. Then I told her why - because I had realized that I'm gay. Long silence. Then she said, "I wouldn't have thought of that."

And that was that. She lives near me now. She's nice to my partner. Never said a word against me for being gay. She doesn't mention it to her family or friends, though. That bugs me a little. Still, I was married for a long time and maybe she just doesn't want to get into everything. She's told them that I'm divorced and left it at that. I have very little contact with most of my extended family because they're conservatives.

My husband was very kind. He didn't want to believe me at first. He wanted me to stay. He thought it was a phase. After I moved out he found somebody new and now he's remarried. We all get along well.

My kids were relieved to learn that it wasn't something they did that split up their dad and me. I became a kind of minor celebrity among their friends for a while.

My father died some years ago. I don't know how he would have reacted.

[Fearless]

19. I told them when I entered into a promising meaningful long term relationship

I had been out to most everyone outside of family since my 18th birthday, a few years after that for the family. I told my brother and sister first. They couldn't have cared less. My parents scoured the internet looking for things that might have been medically wrong with me. While I saw the coping issues coming, I didn't think it would take that strange turn. Regardless, they ignore and don't acknowledge my relationships or even mention that I'm gay. I typically get the, "So you'll be spending the holiday with 'friends' statement."

My philosophy has always been that those who want to be part of my life can be part of my life, but that I'm not going to force anyone to do so. If they don't want to be part of my life, all of my life, then they find themselves increasingly distant as the years go on. At the same time, I continue to try to "normalize" it in their minds, and eventually I'm sure they'll come around to one extent or another. We'll call it a work in progress. Eventually they'll want to see their grandchildren no doubt. Lol.

[teenagebambam]

22. So, if I could share a story

I moved back home to go to school. Met my partner of going on 20 years at said school.

Partner had to leave his living situation, and so my parents (who knew him as a "school friend&quot suggested he rent the spare room in their house.

After a few months of going every morning to rumple the bedclothes in "his" room, my mother called my sister to ask "Do you think the boys are gay?"

My sister (whom I was also not out to, but she had figured it out) said, "Would it matter if they were?"

My mother said "Well, no, but there's only a full-size bed back there. They can't be sleeping well, they'll have to at least have a queen."

Which was what we got for Christmas.

And that's all that was ever said about it!

[marginlized]

30. That's my kind of mom!

[dbackjon]

25. I came out in my mid-30's

When I started my first relationship.

Sisters were cool with it, brother was too - although my sister-in-law was a little freaked at first.

My parents were totally fine with it (and my Minister dad explained to my SIL that there is nothing in the Bible against being gay - all passages that are commonly cited do not refer to two adults.

Never any issue with bringing the guy I was with to family functions.

My nephew came out when he was in college (5 years ago) - my being out helped make it a non-issue for him.

One first cousin on my mom's side was difficult - never any rejection, but some uneasiness.

[Vanje]

26. My "friend" and I were staying @ my parents

...Mom asked whether we'd like 2 little beds or one big one for the night.

She knew!

[William769]

27. Moms gotta love them!

[motely36]

29. I came out to my mom at 35.

Of course, she always knew. I think she probably knew around the same time I did. About 14-15. I was out in college and ever since then to my friends, but for some reason, I never came out to my mom.

[beyurslf]

31. I would be curious to know the ages of those who reply.

i am 36 and came out at 18, after high school. Most of my friends near my age are about the same--18-21 and after high school. My older friends (45-55)often came out later like mid 20's or early 30's. My son is 18 and he came out at 13. All my kids have had many, many friends who were out in middle school.

[marginlized]

32. Came out to friends in High School

I came out to my family first at 16 or 17. I remember my sister’s reaction: “Yeah, we kinda knew.”

But I was lucky in that both my parents were college educated and non religious. My mother also had a very out uncle who lived with a man for over 20 years. So it was nothing new.

At that time my mother was also diagnosed with cancer and had to make monthly visits to her oncologist in San Francisco. Maybe it was facing her own mortality and the brevity of life that prompted her to take me with her on a few occasions. Or maybe she was just a really cool woman. She would drop me off on Polk Street and say “meet me back here in three hours, we’ll do lunch”. But we rarely talked about my orientation. The cancer finally took her 18 years later in '88.

My father and I rarely talked about anything.

[TrogL]

33. They told me

My mother blurted out one day "you just don't like girls,do you?"

[RetiredTrotskyite]

34. I Came Out to my Mother at 19

Actually, she found a letter I wrote to a friend and when she confronted me, I said to myself "Bleep it" and came out. It didn't go all that well, though she didn't throw me out of the house. It was more of an uneasy truce for nearly 30 years, mostly her not wanting to hear anything about it. My ex-wife was way better about it when we finally divorced--we actually stayed very good friends until her passing in 1993 (it was back when it was thought marriage would "cure" being GLBT--it didn't). She said she wanted me to be happy and if I wasn't happy being married to her, then she was willing to let me go.

Finally, in 2005 I went home for a visit. By then I had met a wonderful man and we made plans to marry. I decided I was tired of living in silence about my life just to please my mom so I told her I was engaged to marry a man. To my complete shock--and joy, she said she was happy for me and wished me all the best. I asked her what prompted such a big change of heart and she said "I don't have that long to live--she'd had a stroke seven years before--and when I die, I want to know that you are happy and OK. If marrying a man will do that, then so be it." This was extra-special because she was a pretty-much dyed-in-the-wool Missouri Synod Lutheran--not fanatic, but it took a lot of work for her to overcome a basically Edwardian German upbringing. Later I found out that my cousin and several of her caregivers had been talking with her (she "outed" me to them, but no problem since none of them are particularly homophobic) and got her to see that being gay is not a choice and it is not something that one can change without being really messed up). I know how hard it must have been for her to work her way past a lifetime of conditioning and I appreciate her efforts more than words can say.

This is why, when fundies tell me that they cannot change their views, I think of my devoutly (though not fanatically) Missouri Synod Lutheran mom and how she managed to work through her previous homophobia to reach out to my husband and me, attend our wedding and even accept my husband as her son-in-law. It isn't that views can't change...I suspect many fundies just don't want to give up prejudices that they are comfortable with. If she could do it at age 89 or so, there is no reason that younger people can't do so--the will just isn't there.

In 2007, we set a firm date and sent the invitations out for our wedding. To my great happiness my mom said she would be there in Windsor, Canada to see us married. When we came down and I introduced my husband to be to her, he address her as "Mrs. So and So" and she said, "No, call me mom"--and she completely accepted him as her son-in-law. I still smile because she cried at our wedding, but looking at her, i could see that they were tears of happiness.


Anyhow that is my little coming out story, even if it took over three decades to come to a good conclusion.

[dickthegrouch]

36. I'm now 56 and came out the first time at 16

I was in trouble at school for 'propositioning' another boy (actually coming out to my best friend). Dad was OK with it and extremely supportive. Mom reacted the same way she does with everything: fury. We live an uneasy truce for two years until I went to college. In my first week I found National Union of Students Gay rights poster and phone number. Four months later I was wearing a "Glad to be Gay" badge to lectures. (I still didn't have a boyfriend and I was waaaaaaay to far out for any of my college peers, but the social studies students were all my friends).
Dad had always taught me to face the truth and stand up for what I believed in so I started the student "GaySoc" the next year. This was all back in the mid-70's and I was mostly very lonely out in front. The only homophobia I ever experienced was quickly put down by the members of the college rugby club (to my utter astonishment and profound thanks).

[mitchtv]

40. there never was a coming out event, Once I came home wearing a "gay Liberation " button

My dad said "don't wear it around here" It didn't go much further than that. this was in the 60's and they were already old. My dad was born in 1900. Devout Irish
American Catholics, with a strong appreciation of free thinking. It was tougher in the neighborhood, than my family. Parents came to SF to visit and to our farm in Sonoma Valley. We never spoke about it, they loved me , and worried about me, and came to love my Mexam lover. My siblings never treated me any differently, as I never hid anything from the beginning. I know what they were teaching at Blessed Sacrament, but as teens we were reading Peyton place and Lady Chatterly's Lover pretty early on . Gayness was not an unknown in Jackson Heights in the 50's and 60's. I am on great terms with surviving family, loads ofnephews and nieces around, all good, as far as we know.

[Occulus]

41. When I was 19

My mom found out while dad was out of town. I got thrown out into the rain, literally.

The following year my parents stopped helping me pay for school and I had to drop out. I never did go back.

I miss being a musician, which ended with my education. I was never happier than I was when I was rehearsing or performing... And i honestly believe to this day that that's why they stopped helping me pay for school.

I don't like to think about any of this. Nobody tried to make amends or ask forgiveness or apologize. I don't talk to my family much these days.

Sorry. I'm at work and i think I should stop writing and thinking about this or I'll have to go home.

[Vanje]

42. I'm so sorry. That sucks

nt