Coming out of the Closet

[TexasTowelie]

By Dr. Brian Carr
President, Behavioral Health Associates, Lubbock, Texas, 1991-Present
Chairman, City of Lubbock Board of Health, 2013
Submitted on June 30, 2013 - 7:22am

I don’t know what is wrong with me. I really have tried to fit in, to be a productive member of society. I pay my taxes, exercise my right to vote, and keep my lawn mowed. I just can’t continue to live a lie.

I think I was born this way. Even as a small child I knew. My friends and I would be playing, having fun. My friend Patti lived down the street. Her ponytails and friendly smile let me know that she and I were buddies. We laughed and joked. I liked her very much. From deep inside myself I began to know that there was an attraction to girls.

I tried to push these feelings down. After all, I didn’t want trouble, didn’t want to get labeled. I hide behind my GI Joe and tinker toys. I found ways to mask my feelings, my hidden desires.

Puberty washed over me in junior high and the passion grew. Along with body odor and geeky hair I found myself looking more and more at girls. I fantasized about how Kim, Denise, and Karen might return my affection. I started to drift into hanging out next to girls, enjoying their scent and laughter.

I wasn’t able to contain my feelings anymore and my feelings took flight into action. Holding hands, kissing, and being held close fueled my life like nothing else had. I knew from Sunday School that such things might doom me to eternal hell fire but yet, I discovered such joy in those early moments.

Going steady met a refinement of my obsession, a promise of stability and a mutual pledge to be together. I learned to accept the rejection of those who didn’t understand who I was. Identifying with my sexual orientation was just another way to define myself as unique.

The freedom of college and young adulthood brought a new chapter of openness about my heterosexuality. I openly pursued women and learned all the “moves” that were to be used in the disco club. These dens of dishonor were many in Lubbock. “Faces”, “Crystal Pistol”, and “Freeman’s” on Broadway were places where I found others who shared my intensity for meeting the opposite sex. I had no shame in trying out new pick-up lines.

I began to have opposite sex sleep-over relationships. My male roommates were open-minded and enabled my carnal desires. I learned to look the other way with their “hook-ups” bringing into our house their female companions. College was a time of experimentation and Randy, Tom, Joel, Greg and I were a decadent bunch in pursuing our sick desires.

After college I would visit my old roommate Joel who lived in Austin. After college he left behind our shared experience and decided to give up on women. I tried to deny who I was and would go with him to gay bars in Austin but even then I was drawn to pursue the straight women who went there to relax. Oh, I could flirt with the men there but just never got the “zing” that told me that it was what I wanted.

Joel and I parted ways after a time. I think he was saddened by his inability to get me to make the right choice. I moved in with Valeri and we married, further confirmation of my long-standing faithfulness to who I thought I was. We raised two children and I established my career back in my home town of Lubbock.

I’ve worked to deal with my straightness and to try to be ok with it. I know that I’m more than just my sexual orientation but it is humbling to be so powerless against my desires. I wish that people would just leave me alone about it. I think that there are a lot more important issues that the government needs to get involved with. My family and friends are pretty much accepting of my heterosexuality now. My children accept and love me. My patients don’t seem to make much of a deal about it.

Can you see my point?

Now, take my story above and simply change the underlying premise about sexual orientation and think about how it shifts. Do we gain as a nation to pursue an agenda against people who are just like us with the exception of who they like to be intimate with? Do our political leaders really think that dictating morality in our behavior changes who we are inside?

I believe that sexual orientation is primarily a matter of genetics. People are “born” with the innate desire as to sexual orientation. Some small percentage of people may be traumatized by life experiences so as to pursue a particular sexual orientation because of its usefulness in obtaining benefits of authority or finance. My own professional association (American Psychological Association) does not support a view that homosexuality is a mental disorder.

My friends are my friends. Some of my friends are gay. I like my friends for who they are but I don’t worry about being overwhelmed by what they do and losing myself in their choices. Some of my friends like country music. I can listen to country music but just don’t feel a desire to do it because it is not what I like. I could engage in intimacy with another man but just don’t feel any desire to do so. I don’t fear it.

So, please enjoy your friendships and do not stand passive as those in authority push hate speech about those who are “different” for we are all “different” in some way. That is what is great about our country.

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http://lubbockonline.com/interact/blog-post/dr-brian-carr/2013-06-30/coming-out-closet

[font color=green]Definitely read the comments![font]

[William769]

1. Very nice, thanks.

That "Top Cat" is a piece of shit oh excuse me I meant to say a piece of work. My bad.

[TexasTowelie]

2. You are welcome.

There are a lot of bloggers on the LAJ site that fit into the TP mold.
Mr. Conservative, Dr. Donald May, is their "leader".

[Jack Bailey]

3. Thought provoking

I think everyone, at least those who are reasonably open minded, could read this and have something to think about. I know I did!

[TexasTowelie]

4. I'm glad that you have an open mind and enjoyed the article.

Nobody should have to cloister himself (herself) in the closet just because they are different (or is that they are the same). It's amazing to find that there are progressives in even the most conservative areas.

And before I forget, welcome to DU! You'll find plenty to think about on your visits here.