Literature, advice for family members coming to terms with a gay son
Hello All. I've been around for awhile but I mostly lurk. I appreciate DU and this form. This post is seeking advice about how to deal with my sister, who seems to have a difficult time with me being gay.
First, a little background. I am in my mid-twenties and have been in a stable relationship with my boyfriend for nearly three years. We have lived together for awhile in the same town as my parents. My parents and (only two years younger) sister know I am gay. My mother and sister, both religiously conservative, did not take it well, but my mom has been making an effort. My dad never seemed to have a problem, which I attribute mostly to him not having the same religious beliefs as my mother and sister. My parents have gotten together with my significant other and I several times, and have been friendly. My sister has yet to meet him and does not acknowledge him in conversation at all.
I recently spent some time visiting my sister and parents. My boyfriend was not invited and I didn’t press the issue. I did bring up him fairly frequently in conversation. My parents at least minimally included him in discussion when appropriate. My sister completely ignored his existence as if my statements containing his name had never been uttered. It came to a head when she brought up how I had to come to her graduate school graduation ceremony again without inviting or acknowledging my other half. That was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. I made a point of including him in my plans to attend her graduation which she again ignored until she finally scolded me for not asking her about what I planned to do.
Due to that experience, I resolved to no longer leave who I consider my life partner out of family events. We have been together almost three years and I consider him a part of my family. I will no longer leave him behind in order to not “rock the boat” with my family. We will spend Christmas together this year; it looks like we will spend it with his immediately family, as they are much more open and accepting. My family will have to evolve and adapt.
I am not particularly close to my family, because I feel that I am so different, but I would like to make an effort to improve the relationship. Any advice? Any resources or literature you all would recommend? Thanks in advance.
= new reply since forum marked as read
And I'm glad that I made sense so late at night!
Don't give up hope on your sister though if you don't have to. Focus on the other members of your family who do support you or at least are neutral. Bring them closer to you and your partner.
My parents did the same thing that your sister is doing at first. They ignored everything. Denied everything. Wouldn't bring him up to save a burning school filled with children (ok maybe I'm being a bit dramatic). And, to be honest, I'll tell you that they are not where I want them to be yet either. They are not comfortable now with the whole shebang. But they acknowledge him as a person after a lot of hard work. And there have absolutely been times where I just have to cool off and leave them alone for a month or so (which was particularly easy when I was in college).
If your sister feels like you are pushing her, she will pull away, maybe for good. Just take your time. Build your allies. And most importantly live your life and be happy. Don't dwell on the negative. Stay positive! And talk to your partner too and keep him informed about how the issue is in your head, what your goals are, and how he might help you proceed. Believe me, I've had more arguments with my boyfriend over misunderstandings and misconceptions between what I think and what he thinks about something than any other topic. For me the hardest thing to learn was remembering that little voice in my head that keeps ticking away and commenting about an issue after we finished talking about it is not something he can hear too!! You'd be surprised how far behind you can leave him if your mind keeps dwelling on an issue. LOL!
Maybe the day will come when she will come around. And maybe they day will come when you decide that it's no longer worth your effort and pain to try to bring her around. Either way there are loads of people in the same boat as you. Loads! And we're all pulling for each other!
As for me it's bedtime on the east coast (not to cut it short, but I have work in about six hours and should get some sleep)... If you ever want to talk feel free to PM me or find me lurking in the forum! Plus I know there are tons of people here with good ideas too... just not all DU3 adjusted yet!
All the best,
...sounds like the realization I recently had when I went with my parents (without my partner) to visit my sister. He wasn't invited and my sister did her usual thing of completely not acknowledging him. When I got back and thought about it, I realize how awful it was towards my partner, and I became angry. I talked to him about it and told him that he was not going to be left out any more.
Luckily, his immediately family is much more accepting. I actually talk to my partner's mother quite frequently. Hopefully my own family will reach that place.
Thanks Rowdyboy!
Which sort of embarrassed me because I saw how rudely my own relatives were acting.
That you have some support from your parents support is helpful. You can and must educated them all-its not just you anymore-its the two of you. Whether your sister wants to admit it or now.
Hope you guys have a smooth go of it.... 
but be strong. In my experience, they eventually come around, blood being thicker than water and all.
It was two weeks before my dad died when he finally sought to make peace with me. He said, "I tried every way I knew how to get you to admit being gay. I tried to irritate you, embarrass you, to make you lose your cool. You never broke."
I replied, "All that did was piss me off. We're way too alike, you and me, for that kind of thing to work and you know it. This is how *I* feel right now: If you had asked like a man, I'd have told you like a man. Either way, I've been content in my skin."
The tension finally left, all at once. He'd been trying to say he was cool, but being very clumsy with it. But you'd have to understand my complicated dad.
Have faith that some need to open their minds, some need to find a way to admit being ok, and a few may never grow that much. Either way, be content in your own skin. Love your partner and love yourself.
