Gender fluid?
Last edited Fri May 8, 2015, 03:47 PM - Edit history (1)
Bruce Jenner caused me to visit some truths about me. I am male, heterosexual in that as a male I am sexually attracted to females though I have been emotionally attracted to males but without a physical impetus. I say this only to iterate details, not as a denial about who I may or may not be in as much I am sure of what and who I like and prefer. I fit well within the masculine confines I was born into and raised in, there are traits of which I value and have served me in life, as they are to me. I have throughout most of my life also yearned to express a feminine portion of me. A portion defined not only in how I see myself but how I feel. I have dressed up as a woman, put on makeup, polished nails and admired that portion of me, feeling that there is in that, another me, as present as the masculine self I am daily in life.
My attitudes and sexuality remain the same even when I am expressing this other me, and even when given to thinking that I would live my life as this other side of me I do not see any of that changing. But I do not deny that there is a much a woman in me as their is a man. I often dream that I am a woman, confirmed by seeing my appearance in mirrors in my dreams and often times hoping that I would stay that way when I woke up.
I have found an avenue for this expression in online role playing games where I can create an avatar representing the woman in me and give her a name, in this world other people respond to me and interact with me as a female. I have found that other men do this and some in the same game. We are and others who know us are very respectful of our privacy insuring that no one outs us for not being who we say we are. I have though about this happening and I know I would be saddened by it and probably would have to pack up and move to another server where I can begin anew.
So why am I relating all of this? I am only wondering, and wanting to know if others have experienced much of the same. I am also hoping that myself and others are given space and respect to discover in the same way, and to make a choice that is as equally respected as those for who outcomes and coming outs are more deliberate and definitive. So Bruce Jenner got me thinking. I am glad, and maybe one day the other me will emerge more fully, ready to take a step into reality, or not.
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Last edited Fri May 8, 2015, 05:09 PM - Edit history (1)
[font style="font-family:'Georgia','Baskerville Old Face','Helvetica',fantasy;" size=4 color=teal]But, in spite of this, and much like you, I have only experienced "attraction*" toward people opposite of my assigned birth sex, and I fit well within my perceived gender. I don't feel as though I am in the wrong body and there are aspects of my current sex that I do like.
I just strongly identify with the other sex, much more so than the sex I was born. So much so that when I was young puberty terrified me and caused me massive amounts of dread. I didn't want to change in that way.
Also, much like you, I created many online personas in games where I almost always play the opposite sex. Though, I always end up telling people my birth sex, I did fool several people and something about that made me happy. I wasn't really even trying to fool them either.
The whole thing was bit confusing. Then not too long ago an online friend came out to me that they were going to transition to become a woman. I told her my own issues with gender and that I would support her and if she ever needed someone to talk to, I would be there for her.
We chatted and being the geeks we are got to talking about comics and one in particular. When she brought that up, I told her that was one of my favorites. I then told her, that part of the reason I loved that comic was that I wished I could be like the main character and switch gender at will.
At that moment it was like a light bulb went off inside my head. That was exactly what I wanted and there was a name for something like it: Gender fluid.
I think that term just fits with me, and is the one I identify with currently. For the first time, I feel as if I have a real understanding of my gender and orientation. That I finally am coming to understand myself and that makes me happy 
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*By attraction I do not mean a sexual attraction. I don't have those to anyone. Rather, as a hetero-romantic asexual I only have romantic and aesthetic attractions to people.
It's so nice to see someone share such similarities. I really like the notion of being gender fluid. I too have wished I could just snap my fingers and be what I want. I worry that such a description would be met with disdain from some withing the LGBT group thinking I am suggesting I can just switch it on or off and that this gives fuel to those that assert that it's a choice and as such can be controlled, or worse, cured. I do not think that is the case, what I feel and how I feel is not something I choose as one would what the decide to wear each morning. I think it's how I decide to incorporate it in my life that is the choice. I have inspected this deeply and feel strongly that I am fluid in the way you describe. The wishing is hoping I could just wake up the way I want to be and feel each morning, and look that way, and be treated that way. At times I have masculine feelings, feelings of a chivalrous nature, of rescuing the damsel in distress and at times I feel like I want to be the damsel so to speak. I can feel rugged one day and sensual and wanting to embraced the next. Less important is my sexual preference which remains female regardless of how I feel. I would love to be embraced by a strong woman, as a woman. Thanks again for replying. This is the first time I have spoke of this publicly( if this can be considered publicly). My big brother is gay, but I am even afraid to tell him. His mouth is like a sieve when it comes to keeping secrets and is not the most compassionate person even to his younger brother. 
