I am fu..ing pissed...why should I have to go to a shelter?

[angstlessk]

HE should go to a gulag!!!

I am currently in a relationship where my sig other will probably murder me, and there is nothing I can do about it

I can run to a shelter and leave behind everything i ever worked for..and now I am willing to..but WHY??? he is innocent till I am dead?

[elleng]

1. Get away from him,

and save your life. You decide whether 'everything you ever worked for' is more important than your life. Get restraining order, and right to retrieve your things or to return to your home in peace and safety.

[whathehell]

3. +1000 n/t

[Sherman A1]

4. Agreed

One thing I learned from going through a divorce (actually, learned many things) but, the most important thing I learned was....."It's Just Stuff".

And You will not necessarily lose all of it.

[elleng]

5. Right,

and tho its not easy, I left our house when my husband hit me (and he was taken into custody.) I didn't return to the house, but after that I sued him for share of proceeds of the sale, and he paid for movers to bring things to my 'new' residence.

[angstlessk]

11. he has not hit me..only tells me how he will cut my head off with an axe

he used to hit me..and threatened to kill my family if I left him in the early days..since we moved from VA to Detroit he has become INSANE!

[elleng]

13. Call the cops as he's threatening you,

that should be enough. Its called 'assault and battery,' the assault comes first. the combination of two violent crimes: assault (the threat of violence) and battery (physical violence)

[bravenak]

2. To stay alive.

You can only rebuild your life if you remain alive. Run.

[MADem]

6. There IS something you can do about it.

Get away from that guy. Go to the shelter. Get a support group. There are lots of people who have been through this and can give you good advice.

Check your car with a mirror underneath it every time you get in it (assuming you have a car). No, not for bombs--for tracking devices. If you find one, stick it on an eighteen wheeler--that'll fuck the asshole up. He'll be chasing some long haul trucker, thinking it's you!

Clear your computer history while you're at it--and check and make sure there isn't any spyware on your computer.

Get a tracfone and don't give out the number to anyone save Very Trusted People. Use any other phone you have for incoming calls only--and clear the history from that, too.

Good luck. Get away. It's just stuff.

[Sherman A1]

7. All good advice

[angstlessk]

8. I have recorded many of his threats..and diatribes

but when try to send them,google will not let me

[elleng]

10. To send them where?

Call the cops when he's threatening you, have him incarcerated. I did.

[angstlessk]

12. Call the cops In Detroit they are too busy

for domestic disputes

[elleng]

14. You KNOW this for certain?

That's not the case in DC, or in MD suburbs of DC (where my son in law worked as deputy sheriff in 'domestic violence' unit.)

[angstlessk]

19. His abuse is mostly psychological

he can keep me awake for 24-36 hours...but his threats are real...and I truly believe he will kill me and Linda with an axe

[elleng]

21. Then call the cops,

your lives really are in your hands.

[angstlessk]

16. And of course,he is wonderful....the day after

I live with a friend..whom I say is my ex-boyfriend's ex-girlfriend

He divides his time between torturing her and me...but I seem to be his real person of interest

[elleng]

18. So 2 of you are enabling his outrageous behavior?

2 of you should get away from him, together. He is NOT 'wonderful,' as you said, he is 'insane.'

[angstlessk]

20. I told my friend...when he goes to the store/bank

we should call a cab and even if we leave with only the clothes on our backs..we should leave...

She told him about our plan when he harassed her...now he sneaks out

[truedelphi]

53. If you' re a renter, and don't own your residence,

Start complaining to the damn landlord. Have that person evict him.

If they won't, then you may have a lawsuit against the landlord.

[yeoman6987]

28. I assume you are using g-mail

If they don't let you, try yahoo or hotmail. Try any other e-mail service until you can send the information somewhere for safe keeping.

[A Little Weird]

35. If you're having trouble sending an audio file

It may be because of a security policy. I've had that happen before. I got around it by zipping the files and sending the .zip file. The email program didn't have a problem with that file type.

In response to your OP, I sympathize with you. It sucks that these abusive guys get to terrorize with so few consequences and the women who are affected basically have to uproot their entire lives just to stay safe. It's not right, but it is the unfortunate reality for now. Please do get to a shelter and stay safe.

[renate]

9. You shouldn't have to

... it's totally not fair. And yet you have to. It sucks but you will stay alive.

[1dogleft]

15. Get a Restraining Order

or a gun, whichever you think will save your life in an emergency situation.It just depends how hard your willing to fight to survive

[angstlessk]

17. I poked him in his eye with my ecig mechanical

I only wish I had poked harder...of course he retaliated

[openinclusivity]

22. You have to go to a shelter because society is broken.

I am sorry. It really sucks. Best wishes to you.

[angstlessk]

23. Is there any way to post audio here?

perhaps you can tell me if I have a case?

[angstlessk]

24. I went to Detroit domestic abuse hotline..it was all about calling

but I do not have a cell phone..I have no phone

[elleng]

25. You need a phone,

otherwise there's no way to protect yourself/inform the cops you need help.

[jeff47]

32. Get a prepaid cell phone.

Straight Talk and Tracfone are two major brands. You can find them at virtually any store that sells electronics (WalMart, Best Buy, etc). The major carriers also have prepaid versions of their service.

Since they're prepaid, they're the easiest to get. And since they're prepaid, you don't have to deal with getting the bill sent somewhere where you can receive it.

As for your stuff, get out now. You can use the courts and police to safely retrieve your stuff later.

[darkangel218]

37. Hey, are you alright?

[angstlessk]

38. Yes, I am homebound

have not been out of the house for years

[darkangel218]

39. Is there any way you can get a phone? can you receive mail?

[angstlessk]

40. he gets the mail...he is ignorant about email

[chillfactor]

26. Your life is more important than material things....

good grief.....wake up before you are dead!

[IdaBriggs]

27. You are not making good decisions/your priorities are NOT appropriate.

If your life is in danger, you do whatever it takes to survive.

Period.

No discussion.

Survive.

If someone is threatening to kill you, and you *believe them to be serious* because they are saying it to control or manipulate your behavior, in the moment you do what it takes to survive (comply, fight, flight, freeze or combination), and then you GET AWAY.

Once you have gotten away, you can arrange for the next steps for survival - shelter. Presuming you do not want to sleep in the street, there are shelters available for victims of domestic abuse. They will provide you with access to resources (counseling, legal aid, food) while you deal with putting your life back together, or alternatively you can shelter with family or friends.

Please note that family and friends are rarely trained in how to deal with these situations, and may either be in danger if your partner pursues or they may not be able to offer you appropriate information about necessary legal actions or emotional support.

If you are not in IMMEDIATE DANGER, you have more time to plan an exit strategy for the relationship and ways to keep yourself safe. You might find yourself minimizing the danger at these times -- DON'T. Just. Don't.

If you are with a partner whose "go to" coping skill involves physical violence, or who you believe when they make credible threats of killing, the relationship is not sustainable without high levels of committed intervention that would involve years of therapy for BOTH of you (and possibly significant legal bills).

Your possessions are both replaceable and retrievable. Your focus on them is a common way to avoid thinking about other things -- like why you picked this partner, what made you ignore the warning signs which can seem obvious in retrospect, and why you are still in the relationship. To be blunt, if you are smart you will start with a therapist ASAP to learn how to avoid subconsciously recreating this now "familiar" situation; change is NOT easy.

The shelter can help you with access to resources even if you don't stay there.

Good luck.

[elleng]

34. Right.

[kaiden]

29. www.women'sshelters.com. Plug in Detroit.

Women's shelters not only give women and children a safe place to stay, but they can help you contact the police and a good legal aid (free) attorney. The first step out the door is always the hardest. I wish you courage and peace.

[Borchkins]

30. Run don't walk to the shelter.

Be safe.

This is absolutely unfair, but you're most important.
B

[Thav]

31. Get out of there quickly.

If there are things you don't want to leave behind, make a plan of what you want to take an be ready to move. Find some people to help and vehicles to load them into. When your chance comes, get what you need out quickly and head to a domestic violence support center (Around here we have what's called Crisis Intervention Services). They have advocates who will help you get a restraining order and give you options on how to move forward.

If you are in fear for your life, you need to leave as soon as possible. I would volunteer to help get you out of there if I were closer, but I'm way far away.

[PeaceNikki]

33. I totally understand your frustration. It's not fair, but you need to stay safe.

Please, if you feel you're in danger, get away from it ASAP and do what you can to prosecute the asshole.

I am so sorry you're dealing with this. I've been there and it sucks. I had to leave my job, my home and my friends to move to another state to get away from him. Be strong and, most importantly, stay safe.

[libodem]

36. I left everything

And lost almost everything. There are things you should secure before you run. Birth certificates, ss cards, bank account and savings info. Mine got to the bank before I did and cleaned out the account plus ran out our line of credit. He got half my tax return return, too. He destroyed my clothing, jewelry, books and pictures. I have almost no baby pictures of my older boys.

There is an official list of things to get ready when you leave. The psychological abuse is mental torture. Its very abusive. Don't think that its less abusive than physical blows. Its damaging you.

Plan for a while. I did lose everything including our home on an acre. Don't tell him you are leaving. The abuse will escalate and he may stalk you.

[TBF]

41. Just get out

The things will not help you if he kills you.

I left on the middle of the night. Later I was able to go back (with help) and get my clothes and stuff. He wasn't even there.

I did have a good job at the time and a friend who took me in for awhile. But like you I was afraid he would follow. My friend convinced me that I would be safe with her, and I know that shelters are very serious about keeping women safe. Go.

[niyad]

42. Please listen to everything that has been posted here. GET OUT NOW. stuff can be

replaced, you cannot.

[madamvlb]

43. Please get out....

Need a place to stay? I have an empty spouse in the Poconos. Let me know.

[angstlessk]

44. I just emailed the YMCA about the threat we live under

seems each time he gets stumbling drunk the more he blames me for all his problems...and of course the cure is an axe on my head???

In fact, he stated the only reason he hooked up with my friend, was to keep from murdering me??? Cause he would have to murder her too???

[NYC_SKP]

45. I strongly urge you to call a shelter, or womens' hotline, or the YMCA and talk to a live person.

Email on a Sunday, it could be a long wait.

Also, I'm sympathetic that you feel you shouldn't have to leave because you haven't done anything wrong.

Right now, my best advice is:

It's far more important to be SAFE than to win the war of who's right and who's wrong.

Be safe for now, the rest will work out.

[angstlessk]

46. I don't have a phone

and I vacillate between caring for him and fearing him..I cannot imagine what it would be like to be free of him...have been with him for 20+ years..

[NYC_SKP]

48. Your predicament is not uncommon. Can you use the Internet to jot down some numbers and then....

...get some numbers to shelters and the YWCA and/or a church and write them down?

Then maybe write a gently worded note to leave for him to find, and then go for a walk to a store and beg them to use a phone.

I sense a cycle in your life that won't end or change until someone is arrested, or dead, or decides to make change happen.

You could use some support and it's not going to come to you, you have to go there.

Some numbers here: http://www.communityhousingnetwork.org/activek/content.asp?catid=67&contentid=236&returnto=catid=67

[angstlessk]

50. Here is the deal

We have a joint savings account...worth about 10 grand..my income plus my social security..he transfers money into his personal checking account each month to pay bills...

The moment he thinks I am leaving...ALL my money belongs to him

Same with my friend...he controls all our money

[djean111]

52. If you can get to a shelter, one of the things you can do online is redirect your social

security to another bank account. You may need police or shelter intervention if you don't have the passwords, but changing where your money goes is fairly easy.

When I was married to a violent controlling asshole, he would take my check when I got paid and then give me $20 to spend, and I would have to explain what I spent it on before I could have more.

[angstlessk]

55. How'd you get out?

I nhave been with him for 20 years...seems impossible to leave

[djean111]

57. I divorced him.

He was too embarrassed that his friends and co-workers knew/would know (his boss testified at the proceedings) to do anything after that. We still hate each other.
When he found out I was actually suing for a divorce, he said that if I filed giving physical cruelty as the reason, he would kill me. Heh. This was in the '70's.

Leaving? Yes, hard, I left the nice house, etc., but it was worth it. I just had to DECIDE and then follow through. Not easy, but that is the only way to do it.

[TorchTheWitch]

49. You have to get out!

Is there anyone here that you trust to PM with your name and address that can call the police for you? They can direct the police to your DU posts about this and do a welfare check on you and help you and your friend to get the hell out.

Do it. Do it now.

[angstlessk]

51. I wish....

The last time I called the police here I was drunk and foolish

[TorchTheWitch]

54. PM your name and address to someone here

If you don't want the police there for some reason there are also crisis intervention domestic violence advocates that can be called on your behalf and sent to your house to help you.

This isn't about wishing. It can be done by someone here with just your name and address to do the calls and send someone to you to help you. It doesn't matter if you're drunk or scared or whatever you need someone to help you NOW.

[angstlessk]

56. They could only come when he is away

[TorchTheWitch]

61. wrong

They do this all the time. It's what they're trained and experienced in doing, and they've dealt with a hell of a lot worse than you're situation. His being there doesn't matter a damn.

Please just stop it with the excuses. Every single person here easily recognizes that you desperately need immediate help and we're trying to help you. The very simplest thing you can do in helping yourself is to just PM someone with your name and address so that they can do phone calls for you and get help to you.

[NYC_SKP]

63. If you insist that help can only come when he's gone, then please include that information in a PM.

Someone here can make calls on your behalf and have help to you during a time you designate as safe and while he's gone.

[angstlessk]

64. SO TOMORROW WHEN HE LEAVES

SOMEONE WILL HELP LINDA AND I ESCAPE?

[NYC_SKP]

66. There is a good chance that someone in this thread can make some calls on your behalf.

And at least try to arrange for a ride for you both to a shelter.

If that works, then I would recommend that you seek legal aid and some emotional support, you'll need both.

Good luck!

[A Little Weird]

47. This guy sounds like a psycho

Please get to a shelter. I really do believe things can start getting better if you can just get away from him. I wish I knew of some way to help you.

[angstlessk]

59. Looking back, I think his parents knew he was sick

and they were glad I was taking him off of their hands..

The family was toxic...I cannot say what he told me, I feel it is confidential, but he did not stand a chance to be normal

[A Little Weird]

62. From what I understand, it's pretty common for abusers to have been abused

I hope he can also find healing someday, but you have to think of your safety. Don't let the fact that he was hurt be an excuse to let him continue hurting you.

[Louisiana1976]

58. I'd have gotten out. Yesterday.

[angstlessk]

60. Sounds simple, getting out, dosen't it?

It is not...ask the folks who actually GOT OUT

[grasswire]

65. remember those girls who had been imprisoned for years?

They made an opening in the door somehow and hollered outside. That was all it took.

Are you saying your situation is similar? Are you and your friend prisoners?