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Sun May 10, 2020, 08:51 AM

I feel Im losing the battle.

The virus,the shut down, moving, cleaning,cooking,talk to no one, just sit in this jail that we call a home everyday. It is affecting Mrs K as well as Tess. I just want to scream sometimes. The wine is back. At least not the hard stuff I keep saying. I just feel empty.
I just want to step back and reset. I want to feel SOMETHING except dread each day. Im backing off reading news as it is even more depressing. I just want to feel happy again.

end of pseudo rant, I just needed to get a few things out of my head. Im tired


Koz

14 replies, 1437 views

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Reply I feel Im losing the battle. (Original post)
kozar May 2020 OP
Newest Reality May 2020 #1
Mike 03 May 2020 #4
Baked Potato May 2020 #12
MichaelSoE May 2020 #2
TygrBright May 2020 #3
Squinch May 2020 #5
SCantiGOP May 2020 #6
jrthin May 2020 #7
Timewas May 2020 #8
kozar May 2020 #9
Timewas May 2020 #10
Timewas May 2020 #11
MenloParque May 2020 #13
kozar May 2020 #14

Response to kozar (Original post)

Sun May 10, 2020, 09:00 AM

1. Ah,

Last edited Sun May 10, 2020, 11:24 AM - Edit history (1)

Well, is it really a battle and is that up to you? How you frame it for yourself might influence how you experience things, but repetition may make the idea sticky.

I would like to suggest that alcohol fools your brain/mind by messing with your dopamine system, etc. It becomes an alluring picture of feeling better, (that short rush at the beginning) that can predominate your responses. It also creates a vicious circle/cycle because you nervous system can be affected so much that when it wears off it creates a craving to resolve the results of the drinking.

That's just something to consider. It takes a good while of sobriety to break that cycle and get back to a more natural and healthy cycle.

I could add that wanting so badly to not feel what you feel and putting so much emphasis on, say, wanting to feel "happy" can actually make you miserable. Be with what you feel if you can. Let it be alright for now and see if you naturally move into what is even better as a basis: calm, relaxed, balanced, peaceful. That is soothing, uplifting and fortifying. A lot of energy goes into what you are describing and that can just wear you out and, of course you would feel it.

Be Well. It will pass. Patience is a good thing to cultivate.

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Response to Newest Reality (Reply #1)

Sun May 10, 2020, 09:15 AM

4. +1

It took me a long time to figure this out. A real contentedness sets in when we stop wanting to feel some way other than we feel.

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Response to Newest Reality (Reply #1)

Sun May 10, 2020, 11:15 AM

12. Good message.

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Response to kozar (Original post)

Sun May 10, 2020, 09:03 AM

2. Just remember that that you are not alone.

Since you do have some online ability I would suggest looking up on the web the address for your local intergroup web site and look for online meetings. I just went to a meeting with my old NJ home group - 15 years after moving out of the area. It was so uplifting to be at a meeting and the added bonus of seeing old faces.

I do not know how connected you are to the program (Home group, sponsor, etc) but seeing as how you posted here, you are reaching out and that is GOOD.

Put a cork into that wine bottle. Remember that alcohol is a depressant. If you're feeling depressed without it, it is only going to exacerbate that awful feeling of dread.

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Response to kozar (Original post)

Sun May 10, 2020, 09:09 AM

3. Days like these. But only THIS one.

Get through THIS ONE.

If that's too much, get through THIS HOUR.

A wise elder with a LOT of sober time told me that one of her go-to coping mechanisms when she couldn't get to a meeting and was between sponsors was to start a "Scavenger Hunt for the Beauty."

I've tried it a couple of times, it helped. YMMV, of course.

But you're not alone. Hang onto that, too.

reflectively,
Bright

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Response to kozar (Original post)

Sun May 10, 2020, 09:28 AM

5. I think backing off the news is a smart thing to do. I'm going to

try the same. I can't control it so I'm going to try and only concern myself with things I CAN do something about.

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Response to kozar (Original post)

Sun May 10, 2020, 09:29 AM

6. Please stay sober

Alcohol can be a slow suicide. Over the years I have lost two of the dearest friends I ever had to this disease.
As others have said, just convince yourself to put off the drinking till tomorrow, and then do the same tomorrow.
Best of luck friend- we need you in the voting booth in November so we can all take revenge on the people who allowed this to happen.

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Response to kozar (Original post)

Sun May 10, 2020, 09:30 AM

7. First, change your thoughts. If you think you "just sit in this jail that we call a home everyday,"

anyone would feel awful and trapped. You and your loved ones are lucky to have a safe place to ride this out. Many do not. Also, another thought (which is just a thought), " I want to feel SOMETHING except dread each day," you are choosing that thought. You don't have to accept that thought. You could think, "wow, another day sober, in spite of everything." You get to chose how you feel by the thoughts you accept as real.

Having said that, hang in there, you can do this. Your choice of substance isn't going to make you "feel" anything, other than numb. That is one of the reasons you choose to let it go. You are right, get out of your head. When you are having thoughts you don't like, change the channel (change the thought). Scream, do what every you need to do but continue on your constructive path and don't be a slave to your demons.

To constructive thoughts: be the boss of your mind.

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Response to kozar (Original post)

Sun May 10, 2020, 10:20 AM

8. To me

Not trying to be asshole but this sounds a lot like a pity pot trip..It is something that is warned about continuously in almost every group I have ever been involved with ..Poor little old me is gonna pour little old me a drink...If you have a sponsor call him/her..

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Response to Timewas (Reply #8)

Sun May 10, 2020, 11:03 AM

9. You did a fairly good job

Without trying. Ty for your" support" please never respond to one of my posts again.

Koz

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Response to kozar (Reply #9)

Sun May 10, 2020, 11:06 AM

10. fine with me

You sir are looking for an excuse... At least it isn't the hard stuff... apparently you are not a member of AA or any other program .. sorry to see this happen to anyone but you are in charge ..

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Response to kozar (Reply #9)

Sun May 10, 2020, 11:08 AM

11. OK You got it

LOL
Without trying. Ty for your" support" please never respond to one of my posts again.

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Response to kozar (Original post)

Sun May 10, 2020, 11:42 AM

13. You got this!

Also, remember no one has ever said you are confined inside. Iím in California, and our great governor has said to go outside and go on hikes, ride bikes, enjoy the parks while staying away from clusters of people. Get out and get some fresh air and sunlight. Yesterday, me and SO had a great BBQ on a secluded beach with no one in sight. I donít think I really need to drive that point but we are not in prison and itís ok to go out...but smartly!! The devil gives work to idle hands.

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Response to kozar (Original post)

Sun May 17, 2020, 07:43 PM

14. Update.

Well, gang, my chaos is being taken away from me. And I am starting to figure it out. Mrs K, and Tess,my hcp daughter, made a decision a few months ago to move. All I am gonna say is,, since 7 days ago, because our move date is coming quick,,June 6. We have paced our pets to new homes. Very carefully selected homes. and now Mrs K is seeing,,we made right choice. She deals with herself, I try to fight my drinking. Last 3 days have been fantastic. I dont feel anger much anymore. Daughter is happy, we can BBQ on back deck and eat there without our Canine family. Both Mrs K and I overreached with our animals. We lost our focus,, I actually had a few drinks yesterday, and a few more today. And I feel different. I cannot find the dissent, the anger, I am cooking again, and understanding what I was fighting when I drink. ( present tense intentional.) I am thrilled. I for the first time in years,,understand me. Im not so far gone that I cannot see what happens day to day. I for the first time in 14 years, understand, I do not need the wine,rum or any. I just need Mrs K and Tess. And Mrs K is listening,talking, Tess is happy and not yelling. I will end this with, keep listening and keep your brain open, you'll get there.

And to Mr Timewise, who answered my posts with so many big,bad ass statements,so simple to type.

Live my life, my friend,,you are nothing.

I appreciate you all ,,but not Mr Timewise..who has no clue what we are going through.

Koz

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